Q: Why can't my parents react to new information like normal people?

Hi guys, I would like to get something off my chest - it is one very frustrating aspect of my relationship with my parents and most people might just sweep this under the carpet, but I'd like to share it. My parents have simply given up on trying to absorb new information, even if this information is useful information to highlight how they have been totally wrong about something. We're not even talking about having a different opinion about something, we're talking about being plain wrong. Let me give you a simple example of this in action: my father is under the impression that countries like Germany and France don't do any kind of border checks, that anyone can enter the country without even showing the passport. I asked him where he got this piece of incorrect information from and he said that his friend had gone on holiday in France, the tour group got on a bus and the bus drove across the border to Germany but nobody stopped to checked their passports when the bus crossed the border. I had to explain to my father than both France and Germany are in the Schengen zone, so if you travel between any of the 26 countries in the Schengen zone, there are no internal checks. So you can cross the border between France and Germany without having to show your passport because you're already within the Schengen zone, but if you travel from outside the Schengen zone, say if you got on a flight from Singapore to Paris, the moment your plane touches down at the airport in Paris, you would be subject to passport control in order to enter the Schengen zone. The system seems simple enough, once I offer you that explanation, right? 

But my father either didn't understand or he simply wasn't listening to me - a few weeks later, he came up with the same ridiculous story about France and Germany not having any border controls. So once again, I explained to him how the Schengen zone works. So I picked the topic of the Schengen zone as it is very clear what the rules are about passport controls there, I have the facts and the correct information. Yet my father refuses to allow me to correct him, it is almost like he is unable or unwilling to change his mind on the topic. Let me give you another example, this time involving my mother. I'm going to Dubai this month and it is a city in a desert - so my mother has once heard this myth that it is very hot in the desert in the day (like 50 degrees) and very cold at night (like way below zero). I told her that this was totally untrue in the case of Dubai, in the summer yeah it can get to 50 degrees in the day but in the night, it doesn't get cold at all  - it rarely ever drops below 30 degrees in the summer. Sure there's rather large difference between 50 and 30 degrees, but 30 degrees is still very hot - it most certainly isn't cold. And in the winter months, it is a lot cooler: the day time temperatures are around 25 to 30 degrees and at night it is comfortably cool at 15 to 20 degrees. The range is only about 10 to 15 degrees in winter, but you certainly don't get the extremes of temperatures falling from +50 to -10 degrees from noon to midnight - that just doesn't happen in deserts and the pattern we observe in Dubai is far more typical. Do I expect my mother to know anything about desert climates? Of course not, but once I've explained that to her, I expected her to at least retain some of that information and accept that she was wrong. But no, she still insists that it is +50 in the day in Dubai and -10 at night in Dubai despite the fact that I have explained this to her already. I couldn't have been clearer, "you're wrong, I'm right:  so listen to me as I teach you about deserts." Unfortunately, there is just no way I can convey that information to her. Her brain simply rejects any new information even when she is told she has been wrong. 

My father was once told a long time ago that the welfare state is very generous in the UK, that you don't even need to work and the government would give you loads of money to live very well. I've told him so many times that this isn't true at all - how much you get depends on certain factors like if you have a disability, if you have children etc but you're never going to live like a rich person on benefits. You will get by, you will have enough money to buy food and keep the lights on, but that's not the same as living in luxury. Of course, you then have to factor in politics - a left-wing Labour government is more likely to increase benefits to win more votes from that segment of the electorate whereas the more right-wing Conservative government would slash benefits to appeal to their core supporters. I have tried to explain this to my father on many occasions but nothing ever goes in. Now this is something my father has been repeating since the 1980s, so I can only presume that someone once gave him that incorrect back then. But why does he refuse to accept that, "okay that person passed me an inaccurate piece of information, my son who lives in London has explained how the welfare system works to me a lot more clearly." No, he cannot 'unlearn' something that has been stuck in his head all this time. This is not usual of course, as most people would have the mental capacity to cope with the fact that something that they have been told isn't true or has changed. This isn't rocket science, let me give you a simple example: I am dealing with a project at work and my boss recently told me, "we're no longer dealing with company A as they didn't deliver what they had promised us, instead we're dealing with company B now, so continue this discussion with the guys from company B." Can you imagine how my father would deal with such a situation? I can imagine him listening to my boss but somehow 'forgetting' that we have switched suppliers and he would still talk to company A no matter how many times my boss would remind him that we have switched suppliers. I could go on and on - I have way too many example of my parents being unable to respond to new information. This might be something anyone with some common sense can handle but somehow, my parents simply don't have that ability at all. Are they just forgetful or is there another problem?

I have a few theories as to why my parents are like this and I'd like to run it by you guys to see if you agree with me. My first theory is that they feel they are so old, they have no desire to learn anything new anymore. If you genuinely believe that you're going to die soon, then there's this sense of what's the point of making the effort to learn anything new when I am going to die any day now. Why make the effort to try to understand this new piece of information when I may never get to use that piece of information before I die? My father is already in his 80s and has had a health scare, so he is only too aware of his own mortality. However, if I was staring death in the face, my reaction would be, "right, I have all these things I want to do, let's hurry up and complete all these items on my bucket list in the time I have left." No, my father doesn't have a bucket list so he didn't react like that. He just reacted by plain giving up on everything, including processing any new information as if he wants death to come quickly. I was told that he is so bad at processing new information that he keeps going to this hawker stall in Ang Mo Kio which has closed down years ago. My father used to love their noodles, but for some reason, he just cannot get it into his head that this hawker has long retired. So you may argue that my father doesn't need to understand how the Schengen zone or the British welfare state work, however in this case, remembering that his favourite hawker had retired years ago would have saved him a lot of time, not to mention sparing him the disappointment of a wasted trip. I'm sure at this point, quite a lot of you would point out to me that it does sound like senile dementia - if he cannot remember such pieces of information, then he must be going senile. That's a theory I have used all these years to make myself feel better about the situation because that's a medical condition - it gives them a valid excuse. It makes it easier for me to cope with their chronic inability to retain information. 

Now my next theory is that they simply cannot process the new information, so they default to the old piece of information despite the fact that they have been informed that it is wrong. Let's go back to the desert geography example: my mother had a simple theory, "deserts are hot in the day, cold at night" but I didn't replace that with an equally simple theory like, "deserts are hot in the day and remain hot at night." No, instead I went into a detail explanation about how there are different kinds of deserts in the world and how the various factors like relative humidity, proximity to the coast and type of sand plays in this process to hold onto heat at night. As the 'teacher', perhaps I wasn't able to break down a very complicated physical geography topic in a simple manner for my uneducated mother to understand the topic. That was why the only piece of information she got from me was, "my son told me that I was wrong about deserts, but I don't understand what he said to me. It was way too complex." Since I had failed to communicate the correct information to her, she then defaults back to the only piece of information that she has even if she knows that it is inaccurate and incorrect. Uneducated people like my parents have a habit of simplifying very complex processes that they don't understand to the point where they totally distort what they have been told. I remember this incident years ago when  I was a teenager - we were on tour in China when the guide was taking us through this limestone cave with some really awesome stalagmites and stalagmites - the tour guide gave us a detailed explanation of how these amazing structures were formed but he spoke only in Mandarin. There was one lady in the group who didn't speak Mandarin so she asked my mother how these structures were formed. My mother then summed it up in one word, "earthquakes". I then turned to both my mother and the lady who didn't speak Mandarin and explained, "that was not what he said at all!" My mother then sheepishly claimed that she thought she heard the word 地震 (earthquake) but the guide never used that word - that was my mother desperately simplifying a very complex process to one word and getting it terribly wrong in the process.

My final theory is that my parents are so hopelessly autistic that they are subject to the Dunning-Kruger effect. The Dunning-Kruger effects refers to the situation when someone is so terribly bad at something they have no idea just how bad they are at it. The most common example used it when one of those contestants go on those talent shows, thinking that they can sing but make a total fool of themselves when it becomes painfully obvious that they have no talent at all but the clip goes viral as the internet loves mocking people like that. So in the case of the desert geography example: my mother has probably had some lessons in geography way back in secondary school, she has never ever set foot in a desert but she thinks she knows more about deserts than I do despite the fact that I have a degree in geography (and have done plenty of field work in deserts) and I have visited deserts in three different continents. Anyone rational would point out to my mother, "you really ought to listen to your son, he clearly knows more about deserts than you do." Well that's what any rational person would do, but my mother isn't rational - quite the opposite. The problem with people who are autistic is that they cannot see things from another person's point of view; thus for my mother to take into consideration the fact that someone else like me might know more about a topic like deserts is a big ask despite the fact that she knows so little about deserts. When I am at work, I would never pretend to have knowledge that I don't possess because that would get me into trouble. So recently when my boss asked me how I felt about a type of options trading, I had to be honest and told him that it wasn't an area of my expertise, so I didn't feel qualified to give him a recommendation or opinion on it but I would speak to some trading experts and get their advice on the matter. It would be so foolhardy to imagine that my opinion would be worth anything in this context. It isn't rocket science to seek the opinion of someone who knows more about the topic and it does seem like the most obvious thing to do, but if you suffer from the Dunning-Kruger effect, then that's not an option you would consider even if may seem obvious to the rest of us. 

Hence the reason why I think the Dunning-Kruger effect is the most likely reason for my parents' bizarre behaviour is that there's no shame in saying, "I don't know". I know my parents are not educated, I know that's not their fault given that they were born in a different era and I certainly don't expect them to know about complex stuff like desert climates, the Schengen zone or the Dunning-Kruger effect. So the rational thing would be to simply ask me, "so what will the weather be like in Dubai when you visit?" My mother had absolutely nothing to gain by trying to guess what the weather would be there based on what little limited information she has then getting it completely wrong. It's a social skill that she has never learnt - when you simply don't know the answer to the question, you are going to avoid making a fool of yourself by simply saying something like, "I don't know, can you tell me what the answer is ?" You can earn some brownie points with that kind of honesty and at the same time, you're giving the other party the opportunity to show off their expertise on the subject. This is why my parents' behaviour confuses me as they seem to think that they will 'lose face' if they admit that they don't know anything about the topic of the conversation, but they don't realize that they will lose a lot more face and totally embarrass themselves by saying something totally wrong or false, exposing their ignorance. Yet my parents do not have the social skills to deal with such a situation at all - they think that they need to say something intelligent if they want to 'take part' in the conversation, however, when they spout some dumb bullshit that's totally inaccurate and wrong, then that totally backfires on every level. Thus my parents would do two things: either they will say something utterly stupid (and embarrass themselves in the process) or they will say nothing at all, too afraid to even take part in the conversation. But actually, there is a third option to produce a much better outcome - all you need to do is to apply some social skills. 

I have a very good way to deal with this kind of situation and I'm going to share that secret with you now because it really isn't rocket science. So recently, during a Zoom call, my boss started talking about Modulus. I then realized, oh I recognize that name - he sent me a Whatsapp message about it during the weekend and I said I'll take a look at it (but I didn't), Thus at that moment, I didn't know anything about Modulus but I didn't want to admit to my boss that I hadn't looked at the link he had sent me. So how did I participate in the discussion without exposing my ignorance on the topic? I simply asked the others questions: so boss, you're obviously very impressed with Modulus, what do you like about it? Is there anything out there in the market right now which is similar or comparable to Modulus? I then asked the others, even if Modulus is clearly a great product, do you think it is right for us as a company at this stage? Has anyone read any peer-reviews yet about Modulus? Has anyone actually used Modulus before or are they just really sleek in their marketing to convince us that they have a truly amazing product? Do you know where is Modulus based, where is their head office? I could go on asking generic questions all day long about Modulus without knowing anything about it but at the end of that Zoom call, my team genuinely got the impression that I was really interested and enthusiastic about Modulus but just between me and you, I actually knew nothing about it at all. I carefully avoided saying anything stupid to expose my ignorance on the topic and really, that's just social skills. In using questions instead of making statements, I never put myself in a position where I had to demonstrate knowledge of the topic - so when I ask a question like, "do you think Modulus will be good value for money?" I am putting someone else on the spot to come up with the answer, rather than have to offer a cogent answer on that complex question. So if someone said yes I think it's good value for money, I would then follow up by saying, "interesting and why do you think it is such good value for money then?" And thus by the end of that Zoom call, I had managed to learn enough about Modulus, simply by asking the team all the right questions. 

This is why conversations with my parents can be stressful - I am often put in the situation whereby they would say something utterly stupid and wrong; I then have to think, do I correct them or do I let it go? Does it matter if they are ignorant or should I try to at least impart some knowledge? If I offer that knowledge, are they able to process that information? I have seen so many people who have been in this situation and they merely bite their tongue each time their parents say something utterly stupid. And it's not like I am having unfairly high expectations of my parents to be knowledgeable - I accept that they are completely uneducated. I think I am setting the bar quite low already if I simply expect them to be honest and say, "I don't know" instead of spouting complete rubbish when they make a wild guess based on something they may have heard over 30 years ago but can't quite remember. So that's it from me, what do you think of the three factors? Is it simply my parents giving up being unwilling to learn anything new as they feel death is imminent? Is it senile dementia? Is this simply what stupid people do: to over-simplify complex concepts? Or is it the Dunning-Kruger effect at play here? How would you deal with such a situation? Am I setting myself up for more frustration by trying engage my parents or is the 'let sleeping dogs lie' approach best? Trying to teach my parents anything new can feel like trying to teach a cat calculus - it is mission impossible. Should I be lowering my expectations, or should I just follow my father's example and just give up on my parents? Is it just my parents who are like this or is this common amongst elderly folks? That's it from me on this topic, please leave a comment below. Many thanks for reading.