Hi guys, I've just received a really disappointing piece of news and I don't want to pretend that it didn't happen so I'm going to share it with you guys and address some of the issues that are bothering me. In my last post, I told you that I had been cast to take part in a TV pilot that was to be filmed in Scotland at the end of the month. I've had to pull out of that for a very silly and pedantic reason, sigh. The first day of filming was going to be the 30th April (Saturday) and originally, it was agreed that I would be able to go into work on the 29th April (Friday) as I had an important event where I had to host 30 of our clients from Peru. Being the only person in the company who speaks Spanish fluently, I'm expected to take the lead on this event and I was actually looking forward to it. There were three flights from London to Inverness that evening between 6:30 pm and 7:45 pm that evening so I thought I would easily make one of those flights. However, today I was informed that the cast were subject to a 24 hour quarantine before filming began: so essentially they wanted me to fly up to Inverness a day early, take a PCR test and remain in isolation (thus effectively in quarantine) until I get a negative result, upon which I would be released into a 'bubble' with the cast and crew, all of whom had tested negative. Thus for that to work, I could arrive in Inverness no later than 4 pm and that effectively meant that the latest flight I could take was the 1:10 pm flight from London and that meant arriving at the airport around 11:40 am and leaving central London at about 10:30 am - basically, there was just no way for me to do my event that was due to commence at 12 noon and then be in Inverness by 4 pm. The casting director was extremely frustrated about the situation as she really wanted me to be a part of this shoot. Oh believe me we all really tried so very hard to find a solution but alas, to no avail.
Now there's an element of me presuming that my sister is going to say something really stupid but this has happened before and I've told her that I was taking part in this project, so now I'm going to tell her that I can't take part. The last time it happened, she said, "can't you just ask them to change the filming schedule to a day when you're available?" Oh please, who do you think I am to ask a cast & crew of over 50 people to change their schedule just because I'm not available on the day of the shoot? Look, if I was a really huge star like Brad Pitt or George Clooney, then sure I would be able to snap my fingers and everyone would jump to make the necessary changes to the schedule for me, but I'm not. I'm a guy holding down a senior position in the banking industry trying to do a bit of acting on the side. So in this case, I have a group of 30 Peruvian clients coming to attend an event in London and asking them to move their schedule is impossible as it would mean changing their flights and hotel accommodation along with asking the organizer of the event they are attending to move it to a different date just for me. Like no, it is not going to happen and I feel a sense of responsibility in this case - I cannot just leave them in the lurch and expect my colleagues to cover for me since they don't speak Spanish. And as for the filming in Scotland, once again, we're talking about a cast & crew of over 50 people involved and they have already booked flights, accommodation, technical equipment and a stunning location - it would be so much easier for them to simply replace me than to try to move the dates just to suit my schedule. In both cases, it boils down to the problem that because both projects involve a really large number of people, they are simply not able to make any changes to those dates to suit my requirements and therefore I am forced to choose between the two options.
I think my sister is conditioned to 'say something nice' because she thinks she needs to respond by comforting me when I am disappointed, but there has got to be an element of exercising good social skills here. If a Ukrainian friend tells you, "my mother in Khrakiv was killed this morning when she was shot in the head several times by a Russian soldier." You don't say something dumb like, "did they rush her to the hospital in time because the doctors can bring her back to life even if she was shot in the head." That'll be a really dumb thing to say because that's just not possible, you can't bring the dead back to life and thus you're suggesting something that's entirely impossible, you're suggesting a 'solution' that simply wouldn't work. Thus rather than bringing hope or comfort to your Ukrainian friend, you have instead come across as annoying and downright stupid. Your Ukrainian friend didn't say that her mother was injured, she said that her mother was shot in the head and is now dead, were you paying attention to the details before coming up with a response? Yes I'm using a rather extreme example of people saying hideously inappropriate things as a result of poor social skills, but that's what I have to deal with when I am talking to my family. They say the most inappropriate things because of their autism and whilst they are not doing it out of malice to try to annoy or upset me, I still find myself having to take a deep breath, count to ten and then explain why what they said was both inappropriate and stupid. I'm the one who is disappointed and having to deal with this crap happening, yet I'm also the one who has to give them the lessons on social skills - this can really test my patience at times, even if I have come to expect nothing less from my autistic family.
Why do people feel like they have to offer some kind of solution or optimistic suggestion when they are told, "something really terrible/disappointing has just happened to me". Well let's stay with the example I gave above about the Ukrainian friend whose mother was killed - you have just been given a nasty bombshell and unless you have experience with grief counselling, then trying to deal with someone who has just lost a parent under tragic circumstances is a huge ask. Thus offering a hopelessly, unrealistically optimistic solution (like suggesting that the doctors at the hospital can someone bring the dead mother back to life) is a completely irrational response from someone panicking in denial because they don't know how to deal with the huge challenge of grief counselling - they just don't have the social skills or training to do something like that so they try to avoid it by going into denial. After all, it is human instinct to go into denial when given a piece of really bad news - perhaps some of us are more prone to it than others, but it is very difficult to process that piece of bad news so that denial is a way to buy us some thinking time rather than have to deal with that difficult piece of news and all the emotions you may be experiencing at once. My point is that when people offer a completely inappropriate response in such situations, they're not doing it out of malice, but it is something they have done when they panic and don't have the right social skills to offer a much more appropriate and tactful response. I always bear this in mind so I don't get angry with my sisters when they do something like that. After all I am now 46 years old, I've had long enough to learn how to deal with my very autistic family. I know I can't change them but I can manage the situation a lot better now.
So what would the appropriate response be for this situation then? Well to begin with, rather than trying to tell me what to do or comfort me, a sensible first step would be to try to find out more information about what happened. After all, if I tell approach you with a piece of news like that, I am not looking for advice on what I ought to do next - note that I've already taken the decision to prioritize my responsibilities at work and attend to my Peruvian clients, thus forgoing the opportunity to take part in this TV pilot. I know I've made the right decision, this TV pilot is a one-off that may not lead to anything and I was only offered £400 for it; I was going to do it for the fun of it rather than because it would be good for my career. After all, I was so easily replaceable - I knew that once the casting director had finished her call with me, she would be like, "right, let's get our second choice on the phone and confirm him now." Whereas in my company, as the only person in the company who speaks Spanish fluently, I'm not replaceable. My company has invested in me to deal with the Spanish-speaking market that's why I feel this sense of responsibility. I've made a difficult decision and I know it is the right one. Thus at this stage, I am after empathy and understanding instead so that would involve allowing me to share my story, my feelings and simply offering a listening ear - thus rather than rush in to try to tell the other party what to do, you may use open ended questions like, "and how do you feel about that?" You would note that this is a classic line of questioning that a lot of psychiatrists and therapists use when treating their patients, because it is important to express our feelings.
Another dumb thing that people might say is, "oh there'll be other opportunities like this. If they liked you enough to want you for this project, then they will cast you in something else next time." Hell no, it doesn't work like that. I've been dealing with casting directors for long enough to know that this is something they will say to you to let you down gently but you rarely ever hear from them ever again. The way it works is that the casting director is given a brief - a shopping list - and if you happen to match exactly what they're looking for, then you will get chosen. But it doesn't work the other way around, even if you happen to have impressed a casting director, even if you get along well with a casting director, they're not in a position to create a role for you as they're passive in this process: they are only tasked with finding the right people who are a great match for whatever is on the shopping list. You need to be a pretty famous celebrity before someone would create a project specifically for you the way the RuPaul's Drag Race hinges on the fact that RuPaul is the most famous drag queen in the world. I simply don't have that kind of star appeal - I'm just a guy working in finance who happens to dream about acting once in a while. I may be cast in something similar in the future but I am only too aware that the chances of that happening are really tiny. In any case, this was only for a TV pilot - it was never going to be for broadcast anyway so it was not like this project was ever going to make me famous overnight. I loved the project though - so I would have had a fun three days of filming in Scotland and then just return to my life in the office in London.
A good question to ask me at this point would be, "why did you want to take part in this project? You've already told me that it wasn't for the money, nor would it bring you any fame, then why did you want to take part in it then?" There are two key reasons: I thought it would be fun to take part in a really interesting project and given the nature of the TV programme, it was quite different from the kind of acting I had done in the past and I had only done one similar programme in the past, so I was after new experiences. Thus with those two themes, the question would be, "okay, so what else can we do that will be both fun and a brand new experience for you?" So take gymnastics for example, I train about four times a week because I really enjoy it, I do find it fun but it is hardly a new experience because I have been doing it for most of my life already. Is there a new activity I can introduce to my life which has become quite routine at this point - given that I am either working or at gymnastics most of the time? Furthermore, if I wanted to get involved in a different and new media platforms, is there something I can do independently on my own terms (rather than try to be involved in a big budget production), such as by collaborating with an established Youtuber or social media influencer to try a different form of social media to reach a new audience instead of just using the channels I've been using all this time? Thus there's probably quite a lot I can do to seek the same kind of reward that taking part in this TV pilot would have brought me and focusing on that would be a constructive way to react to the disappointment I am facing right now.
Perhaps I'm assuming the very worst of my sisters and their response to this: I've yet to speak to them about it and I don't know what they will say or how they will react. Thankfully, I do have the social skills to deal with such a situation and if I haven't even told them that I was taking part in the first place, I could just avoid the topic altogether and spare myself the hassle of having to talk to them about it. But since I have told them about it, they are still under the impression that I am going to Scotland at the end of the month to do some filming so I will have to tell them why I am no longer doing it. Who knows, maybe I am overly pessimistic and they wouldn't say anything stupid. But let me finish by sharing with you how my friend Michael reacted: his response was short but sufficient. "Woah, I'm so sorry to hear that dude, I know you must be very disappointed because you really wanted to do this. It must be extremely annoying not to be able to do it over some Covid quarantine and testing protocol but take comfort in the fact that you were the one who dropped out because you couldn't get away on the 28th due to work commitments - you got through the difficult casting process and they wanted you for the pilot. That's not the same as being rejected during the casting process because they didn't like you or thought you just weren't good enough for the project. I know you're disappointed, I would be too, but you can hold your head up high knowing that you aced the difficult casting process and made quite an impression on the production team there." Michael acknowledged my feelings, but then went beyond that to offer me praise, support and reassurance.
So I'd like to point out two key features about Michael's articulate and eloquent response. Firstly, he didn't assume that there was some kind of obvious or simple solution that either the production team or myself had overlooked regarding the Covid protocol. He gave us the benefit of the doubt that we had exhausted every single option on the table before coming to this difficult conclusion that there was just no way to do this. Suggesting that we may have overlooked a simple solution is really quite condescending when obviously, everyone on the production team tried so hard to help me find a solution. Secondly, Michael crafted his answer based on the facts that I had given him. He didn't try to speculate about my chances on future castings based on what happened, he just reminded me that I actually succeeded in the casting process and it was the quarantine requirements, not the casting that prevented me from taking part. When people feel the need to say something nice like, "I'm sure there'll be other similar opportunities for you in the future." My response is always, "you're just saying that for the sake of saying something nice because you don't have a crystal ball to predict the future, so that's just a pointless statement." So there you go, I am glad I have been able to get this off my chest and share this with you. Writing my thoughts out like that allows me to organize my feelings in a very systematic manner and make sense of what is happening. This is why I encourage people to write things down, you don't necessarily have to publish it for others to read the way I do on my blog but writing can be a very therapeutic process. I am grateful to have this outlet and I'm so grateful to all my dear, loyal readers. Please leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.
Aww that's too bad you can't make it for the acting shoot, I know how much you love acting and how you go to many auditions in the hopes of even getting one part. Maybe you can treat yourself to something nice as a consolation, like another vacation maybe? Usually these shoots are an excuse to go travel somewhere exotic, like the Cambodian beer commercial in Ukraine last year.
ReplyDeleteLOL I find it funny the things your sister says sometimes, but I know she really doesn't mean it. She talks as if the film crew of 50 people are 50 of your friends which you have invited to a movie together and can just change days. But even in that situation if you changed days it's unlikely all 50 can make it, that its just better to watch the movie without you.
Btw, I have never been to Africa before. What places are you interested to travel there for your work? Anything particularly exotic that I wouldn't even think of when going on vacation in Africa? I know they've got very unique cuisine(like any country), and maybe wildlife, but I'm not sure of the nightlife or other forms of sightseeing.
Thanks for your kind words Amanda. I know they were casting for someone 'super intelligent, with excellent social skills, likable and has charisma' - to be picked for that part is like them saying, "I certify you super intelligent, with excellent social skills and yes you are likable and have loads of charisma, that's official!" Well, I got through the selection process but I was unable to claim my prize which is intensely frustrating but I have already made my decision - I just need a bit of love, empathy, sympathy and understanding now that's all.
DeleteMy sister is guilty of this thing whereby she says the first thing that pops into her mind without checking, "is this a sensible thing to say? Does it make sense?" Because if she would double check before blurting out the first thought that comes to mind, then she would probably realize, oh yeah that's a silly thing to say. My family often use the excuse that you can say whatever you want with family, you don't have to censor yourself, you're not talking to strangers and you can be honest. But it does lead to them saying a lot of dumb shit that makes me roll my eyes. The last time this happened, it involved a cast & crew of over 200 people and a very expensive location in central London and my sister thought yeah they would just move it to a day that suited me cos I couldn't do that day. If I explain it like that, then of course my sister would realize that her suggestion was downright stupid but it's not stupidity per se that's her problem, it's her lack of social skills that makes her blurt out the first thing that pops into her head without carefully considering what she is about to say and the effect that it might have. Seemingly well-educated and intelligent people like her can have really poor social skills sometimes.
The list of countries I will travel to could be extremely long: Senegal, Democratic Republic of Congo, Uganda, Kenya, South Africa, Ethiopia, Nigeria, Ghana, Benin, Togo, Cote d'Ivoire - the list is long. For me, it's more a question of seeing how the locals live, experiencing a very different culture. Furthermore, from my blog, you know I am a big fan of the American reality TV show The Amazing Race so I want to see all the locations in Kampala, Uganda that they have visited. I don't do nightlife as I am an old man. I do a full day of sightseeing, dinner then bed time.
Yes, validation and increased self-esteem is worth way more than 400 pounds of work. But still I know you find acting very fun, but I'm glad you can cope without having the shoot.
DeleteLol that's such an Asian thing to say that what is said is more important than how it's said. My sister does the exact same thing, and hates it when I tell her to ask me things more politely since she feels like she's still saying the same thing. It's about respect, to show you care about someone else' feelings to think before you say something and aren't trying to hurt/deceive them, but some people just think "But I'm your family! Of course I have the best intentions!" No no no, even family can stab each other in the back, but for some people they think family is forever so that gives them the excuse to get away with this. It's like how some Christians believe God will forgive anything bad they do provided they believe in him, so they don't mind going out and doing some nasty things.
Mate that's an insanely long travel list! Nice to see that things are heating up at work on the travel front. Oh so you prefer to do more cultural immersion on holiday, I guess that's the benefit of being a polyglot as you can converse with the locals and read local signs more than a typical English-speaking tourist. I haven't usually had the time to do that on my trips because they're too short and my parents just prefer 5 star hotels with some tourist trap sightseeing and trying local restaurants, but I guess I would try that more as an adult. I've changed countries twice and its shocking how differently each country works, but I've never experienced that on a tourist level yet getting to know the locals while on vacation.
Of course disappointments are part of life, you can't avoid them but I hope in sharing the way I have rationalized things in my head and sharing my thoughts here, I have given others a template on what to do when they encounter disappointment. Of course, I have worked all this out on my own. As a child, when I returned from a gymnastics competition disappointed, my parents would say that I shouldn't take part then I could be spared the disappointment. That's horrible parenting. My autistic parents didn't have the social skills to deal with human emotions like disappointment so they react to it as if it is like catching a nasty disease and the only way to prevent it is to avoid it altogether by never even putting yourself in that position where you may not get what you want (by taking part in a competition). But life is competitive, you may not always get what you want and simply by aiming so low to avoid disappointment will leave you with a miserable result anyway. I sound like a broken record but with good social skills, you can learn to deal with situations like that and whilst disappointment can be a difficult emotion to deal with, we don't need to fear it if we know how to deal with it. I suppose it is comparable to Omicron - this mutation of Covid is so easily transmissible that everyone will get it at some point but if we just accept the fact that you're gonna get it, experience mild symptoms and you're gonna have to deal with it, rest for a few days before you recover then get on with life, then you're not going to fear it. But if you are paralyzed by fear of catching Covid that you don't even leave your house, then the fear of Covid becomes far worse than the Corona virus itself. The same principle applies to disappointment - as a child I was only taught to hide my disappointment because my parents would scold me, even beat me if I showed any disappointment because they didn't have the social skills to deal with it. But I think we're a far more intelligent generation and we can learn to deal with disappointment and address our mental health needs in a far more enlightened manner and this is why I wanted to blog about this episode.
DeleteSo it does come down to social skills and if we love our family members, then we need to improve our social skills in order to provide the kind of emotional support and empathy our family members need. The Asian thing where you think you don't need social skills with your family members is just plain wrong, it's just so fucked up and don't get me wrong, I've seen white people with poor social skills too of course but perhaps I'm just sore about this because my family is Asian and they have such poor social skills - this has been what I have had to deal with all my life with my family.
I tend to do a LOT of research before I travel so I can plan meticulously when it comes to selecting the activities that I find interesting. I always lead my hubby by the nose as I plan everything, I do the navigating and when we arrive at the destination, I am the tour guide, the interpreter/translator and he gets to make little decisions like when we arrive at the restaurant and I say to him, "okay now you can select the pizza you want." Oh I am bossy. But that's just me, I love planning for my trips and that means I am engaged and thinking about the destination weeks in advanced before I even get on that plane.
Sigh disappointment can really hurt... but at the same time, sometimes I don't feel quite alive unless I'm risking disappointment in order to find happiness in something I don't already have right now. It's a life skill I suppose, to acknowledge that it's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows, hope for the best but expect the worst. But I'm not surprised by your parents, they didn't even chase love or try a different career. But mostly I feel sorry for you to have to deal with such messaging from them about "not trying" or always taking the safe but dull option. That must've been very demoralizing.
DeleteI think with white people there is a bigger stigma to having poor social skills than Asians. Recently I went to a meetup with strangers where there was one really awkward sounding man who didn't know how to ask people questions and react to their answers, and he was immediately singled out and the others did not want to talk to him. In Asia it's more common for every stranger at a meetup to not want to talk to one another. But then again you already know that from working with Singaporeans trying to connect them to investors and seeing as how they prefer to do everything by email instead of entertaining their business partners face to face.
Aww you're such a nice husband doing all the planning for vacations and interpreting. It's like he gets to be a tourist just turning off his brain, but then again you get to pick all the things you guys do. I don't plan my vacations that meticulously. Me and my friends pick a place, rent an airbnb, then we decide what to do when we get there, because sometimes we're just absolutely tired and want to nap on the first day. Waste of time and money but relaxing is still relaxing haha.
Recently at gymnastics, I met a young woman who quit after 1 lesson because she said she was disappointed that she couldn't do anything. I had to point out to her that some of the gymnasts she had met at the lesson had worked their butts off for months, even years to get to where they are and you have to be realistic with your expectations about what you can achieve, but you will get a greater sense of reward when you learn something really quite difficult. She said nah, I'm just gonna go do something like take a walk in the park to exercise, at least I know how to walk and there's nothing to learn about 'walking'. I just rolled my eyes and gave up on her, because she didn't have the social skills to deal with disappointment and by setting the bar so low, yeah she spares herself the kind of disappointment and frustration when you land on your butt twenty times in a row during training but how rewarding is a walk in a park going to be vs learning a new skill? That's why it was terrible trying to deal with my parents as they didn't have any of the social skills to deal with disappointment, so their only solution or advice was to aim so low you will never fail - can't do a back handspring? Let's give up on gymnastics and go for a walk in the park instead! We know how to walk! This is why I really wanted to talk about this and I am exposing my vulnerabilities to my readers by talking so honestly about how I experience disappointment and how I deal with it, but I am hoping this will help others in the process. This all ties into the wider theme of developing better social skills as this will serve us very well in life as illustrated by your example of the awkward guy in the meet up.
DeleteOh man gymnastics does take months and years of training to achieve anything special. That new gymnast should have set her expectations lower and simply worked on getting a handstand or vault right, or just hanging from a bar for 20 seconds. All those skills are already something the average person can't really do without training.
DeleteI think the problem is that the media and even schools don't portray that success isn't overnight. In the movies we see a few 5 minute montages and magically the main character is an expert/successful. Hell even dating can be a shitshow at the beginning, there are just as many bad dates and crazy exes as there are good dates and lovers. In Asia one thing that used to happen to me was I'd meet my parents' friends from some social gathering, and someone who hasn't achieved anything in life but has poor social skills likes to tell me of their very successful relative who graduated high school or university very young, or is making a lot of money, then asks me "how come you aren't as successful?" I really wanted to say to this person "excuse me? Do you even know what kind of fucking time, effort, and luck your successful relative has put in to get to where they are? What the fuck have you even achieved that you feel like an expert giving me 'advice'?" Nowadays I prefer to talk to actual successful people who know what they're talking about so I can get actual practical advice instead of just useless undeserved bragging. But it's people like these that would discourage a new gymnast from even trying.
Hi Amanda, it's not just gymnastics but if you wanna learn something new - whether it is learning a foreign language or a musical instrument or a new sport like gymnastics, then it is gonna take a lot of time, energy and effort. You don't attend one Spanish class and then expect to watch a Spanish film without subtitles - no that's not gonna happen. But invest a year or two of effort into learning Spanish, then yeah you'll be happily enjoying your new found ability in Spanish. You reap what you sow and I'm just shocked that this young woman was so unrealistic in her expectations about what she could achieve within 1 lesson.
DeleteI don't get the Asian thing about 'comparing' and I'm quite shocked that the only person who had the audacity to ask me, "how much do you earn a year" was my sister. If a British friend asked me that question, I might be coy and say, "well how much do you think I earn? How much do you think I deserve to be paid?" But my sister was like, okay is that pre-tax and how much do you have after tax? Woah. Then I was like yeah don't forget I work 20 hours a week and take many holidays a year whilst you slave away clocking in 90 hours a week and never take a holiday, how are you gonna factor that in then? I refer you to the Big Mac Index, ie. "how much is your true hourly rate?" So even for someone like my sister who earns a lot, her hourly rate is lower than mine because she clocks in 90 hours a week vs my 20 hours a week. But I digress. Only an Asian relative would ask me that question whilst my white friends would never ever go there.
Oh gosh yes, practice practice practice... But also I think sometimes people don't appreciate small steps towards a bigger step. It's very "all or nothing" with some people, because that's how they sort children when they're younger. Like you're either the fastest kid at running or the slowest, and there is no idea of "train to be a better runner" in schools.
DeleteLol your sister is so candid haha. I don't even ask my siblings how much they earn and I'm Asian. Gosh I feel sorry for your sister working 90 hours a week in her 40s or 50s. Usually in the west those hours are only reserved for junior employees in their early to mid 20s. The idea is to get more productive as you age that you have to work less, it's pretty much ingrained in the west. But in the East it's just squeeze as many hours out of each employee as possible. No wonder SG has low productivity compared to the rest of the developed world.
If you think my sister is bad, sigh, wait till you meet my parents.
DeleteWell I did speak to my sister and mother about this and whilst they didn't say something stupid like asking the cast & crew of 60+ people to re-arrange the whole thing just for me, they were really inarticulate and unable to come up with a more intelligent response. My mother just kept saying, "it can't be helped, there's nothing you can do about it." Whilst that might be true, I'm like geez, how autistic are you? I'm not asking you to evaluate the situation, I'm asking you for sympathy and empathy, for a bit of love and kindness but obviously, you're incapable of that. So I sat down with my husband afterwards and told him what happened and he asked me, so what should your sister and mother have said then? I told him I needed validation - I got through a tough casting process to feel validated, not for money or fame but I simply needed validation. So please tell me how amazing, intelligent, likable, awesome and charming I am - that's the kind of validation I am after. Thankfully my husband knows how to do that. Ironically, I did tell my sister and mother that a friend Michael had done just that already - but my sister and mother are so poor in their social skills, it's frustrating. It's like me telling them, "this is the correct response, this is what Michael said and it was what I wanted to hear. Now just repeat the same thing and you will get the same positive response from me." But no, even when I tell them what the right answer, the right response is, they don't have the common sense of cut & paste it. And this my friends, is why I have to live 8 time zones away from my family - the most autistic family in Singapore.
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