Amy's question: why are you so sensitive?

Hi there, I have had a conversation with a friend who has read my latest post on traveling in Morocco and she was rather taken aback by my somewhat hostile attitude at judging the poor social skills of the locals. Amy (not her real name) said to me, "I enjoy traveling to many countries around the world like you and when I land in somewhere like Africa or South America, the people will notice that I'm a foreigner. So they will ask me where I am from and I will tell them I'm from New Zealand, that my hometown is Auckland. I don't see that as something rude or intrusive, it is just a simple way to start a conversation. Sure there may be more witty or sophisticated ways to strike up a conversation with someone else but most of the time people find this to be a perfectly adequate because I would simply say, 'I am from New Zealand'. But once we've broken the ice, the conversation would flow. Why are you so upset or offended when people ask you where you're from? I understand that as a British person of mixed Asian heritage, it is never a straight forward answer of course, but sure that makes you a more interesting and that's just more reason to engage someone in a conversation, no? I certainly don't think that people are trying to be offensive or racist simply by asking a question like that because they would ask me exactly the same question if I showed up in a bazaar in Morocco. Do correct me if I am wrong, of course."

When a tourist steps into a shop in a place like Morocco, one of the first questions the shopkeeper would ask you is, "where are you from?" Yes it is simply to break the ice and start a conversation, but in the case of Amy, she is a white woman from New Zealand whilst I am an Asian-looking guy from the UK. The problem is that a lot of the people are never satisfied with my answer when I tell them I am from London. I hold a British passport, I have lived mostly in London since 1997, my mobile number starts with +44 as it is a British number and I have a NW1 London postcode. There's a huge difference between having a conversation with someone who is more educated and sophisticated and am uneducated shopkeeper with very poor social skills - when someone like Amy says that she is from New Zealand, the shopkeeper would probably respond by saying something associated with New Zealand like, "The All Blacks! Kiwi bird! Christchurch! Lord of the Rings!" But when I told the shopkeeper in Morocco I am from London, he said, "you can't be, your face is Japanese, you're not white." That's the kind of racist bullshit I have to put up with! If I am dealing with someone who is clearly educated then I'm more than happy to have a mature conversation about my genealogy. I took an interest in my roots in 2012 after I took a DNA test which revealed that I am in fact mixed Eurasian rather than completely East Asian. The problem is that I don't think a lot of people are tactful and intelligent enough to have a mature discussion about this topic with me without being downright offensive and rude - not everyone has adequate social skills.

When I was in Morocco, I did encounter some tourists from China at Volubilis - they were such stereotypical Chinese tourists. We were there to see these beautiful Roman ruins and there were security guards all over the place to ensure that the tourists behaved themselves around these ancient ruins. So I witnessed these Chinese tourists asking the security guards to take photos for them in Mandarin and after he took the photos, the Chinese tourists actually said to him, "谢谢你!" Like good grief, perhaps you can't speak Arabic or French but at least they could have tried to speak English with the security guards? Nope, they were monolingual and spoke only Mandarin, as if the Moroccan security guard could understand questions like, "你能帮我们照相吗?" So imagine the look on the security guard's face when I spoke to him in French and Arabic despite looking rather East Asian. So you know the saying in Chinese, 无风不起浪 - the equivalent of 'there's no smoke without fire', Chinese tourists have indeed discovered the splendours of Morocco and they do mostly conform to certain stereotypes of what one would expect of tourists from China. Hence because of the large number of Chinese tourists who have been visiting Morocco over the years, the Moroccans have come to expect someone who looks like me to behave like them and quite frankly, I am not quite ready to start a whole conversation with a stranger to explain why I am British and not Chinese, to explain the differences between the overseas Chinese diaspora and the Chinese in China. Thus that is a conversation I would have with a good friend, but not with a stranger.

I have actually witnessed this happening in Morocco: a group of Chinese tourists walk into a souvenir shop, the shopkeeper says a few words of Mandarin to them - it's not like he can actually speak Mandarin, but he has memorized a few words. The Chinese tourists laugh and they are tickled that he can speak a few words of Mandarin, the ice is broken and they then proceed to chat to him in a mix of Mandarin and broken English. Perhaps they would buy something, perhaps they won't but at least there is some kind of social interaction going on there. The shopkeeper is clearly convinced that the social interaction would make a sale far more likely than without. Let's compare this to my experience shopping in London: it is highly unlikely that anyone would ever ask me, "where are you from?" That would seem impolite and intrusive. Instead the focus would be on the product, so if they are selling a food or a drink product, I would expect to be given a sample to taste. If it is a electronic device, I would expect to be allowed to try it out or be given more details about the specifications. The bottom line is I would buy the product if I liked it - not because the shopkeeper can speak a few words of my language. I remember going into this shop in Ang Mo Kio a few years ago and having a lovely chat in Hokkien (my mother tongue) with the lady in the shop, I enjoyed talking to her but there was really nothing in her shop that I liked enough to want to buy. I felt bad about taking up her time and made an excuse to leave - it wasn't that I didn't like her, she was so friendly and engaging but that didn't change the fact that I didn't find anything in her shop that I liked.

Furthermore, the person who is trying to guess what country I am from or what language I speak is expecting me to 'reward' them for noticing that I'm Asian and that's never going to happen simply because nobody is ever going to get the right answer given how complex my identity is. The people who approach me to demand to know what country I'm from may simply be curious, but it often comes across as quite hostile and intrusive. The worst offenders are the ones who rattle of a list of Asian countries to me, "Japan? Hong Kong? Malaysia? China? Philippines? Thailand? Vietnam? Taiwan?" As if I am going to be impressed that they know some countries in Asia - oh please, I'm not your geography teacher and it's going to take more than that to impress me. Look, I've been to 67 countries in the world across every single continent except Antarctica and I speak over 20 languages - yet somehow, these people think they can impress me by listing a few Asian countries? Like seriously? Where do I even begin? I hate to sound like a bitch who is taking my privilege for granted, I know I am extremely fortunate and lucky to be rich enough to travel as much as I do, but what am I supposed to say in such a situation? It reminds me of when I was with my friend Janet and her young daughter showed us this drawing she did in school - it wasn't anything impressive or special but I felt obliged to say something nice like, "oh did you paint this today? Wow, I really like it." But as soon as I said that, I thought I sounded thoroughly condescending and fake because I didn't mean it. So in some cases, I would just rather not have that conversation at all.

Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to engage and interact with the locals when I travel abroad - the fact that I make a genuine effort to speak the local language is testament to my willingness to embrace the local culture. I spoke Arabic and French when I was in Morocco whilst those Chinese tourists spoke Mandarin with the locals! But here's the thing - if the shopkeeper can actually speak Mandarin fluently, then I'm more than happy to chat with him in Mandarin but the fact is these people have at best memorized a handful of words. That's not the same as actually speaking the language properly - years ago when I was working in Istanbul, I met a Turkish guy who actually spoke Mandarin beautifully and fluently because he had lived in China. He was keen to practice his Mandarin with me and under those circumstances, I then had a very long chat with him in Mandarin and I enjoyed that conversation. I was genuinely impressed with how good his Chinese was - contrast that to a shopkeeper who has memorized five words in Chinese. Do you seriously expect me to be so impressed with that, that I would then take out my wallet and start spending a lot of money in your shop? Oh come on. I'm not that easily impressed. Let's put it this way, I speak a little Arabic: if the Moroccan guy could speak some Mandarin and his Mandarin was better than my Arabic, then I would be impressed. In short, here's my benchmark: if you can speak my language better than I can speak your language, then fair enough I would be impressed but be warned my Arabic is pretty impressive for someone who hasn't studied the language formally.

For someone like Amy, there's nothing unusual about her situation being a white woman from New Zealand. Whereas for someone like myself, I'm indeed rather unusual. I'm nothing like the rest of the tourists from China, nor am I anything like the tourists from the UK - none of them speak Arabic and French the way I do. For Amy, there's nothing ambiguous about her saying, "I'm from New Zealand" because she is in every way a New Zealander, complete with a distinctive Kiwi accent. In her case, she fits neatly in a box whilst I don't. I'm just awkward. It's not like I am trying to be difficult, it's just my circumstances are so different. Take something as straight forward as the issue of one's mother tongue: my friend Pierre is French, he is from France, he was born and raised in France speaking French as a first language - how simple is that? In my case, I was born in Singapore but we don't have our own language there - my mother's mother tongue is Hokkien, my father's mother tongue is Hakka but my first language is English, my second language is French. Hokkien is like my sixth or seventh language and I just don't speak any Hakka. I learnt Mandarin at school but that's a foreign language for me as none of my grandparents spoke a word of Mandarin. People may look at me and assume that my mother tongue is Chinese and I'm like no it is English, as that's my first language. I would tell them that my mother tongue should be Hokkien, but I'm not that fluent in it, unlike say French, Welsh or Spanish which I am far more confident in. That situation is a confusing mess to say the least and try comparing that to my very French friend Pierre from Paris.

So when someone like Amy says she is from New Zealand or when Pierre says that he is from France, that's a pretty straight forward picture they are painting. The reason I dislike even being questioned about where I am from is because it requires a pretty detailed explanation about my identity and whilst I'm pretty happy with whom I am, it's not the kind of conversation I want to have with a stranger when shopping in Morocco. Furthermore, I don't want to mislead anyone or say something that would give them the wrong impression because if I say that I am from Singapore for example (well I was born there), people might assume that I am a citizen of Singapore, that I hold Singaporean nationality and I don't. They might also assume that I live there, which again, I don't and I haven't lived there since 1997. In any case, questions like that tend to refer to the country where I was born or even where my parents were born rather than something relating to what I am doing today. So I would rather someone asked me a question like, "where do you live?" or "what is your job?" because I can answer in the present tense - that piece of information is directly relevant to my life today. But of course, Amy said that a question like "what is your job" might come across as somewhat personal and intrusive, whilst "where are you from" seems like a more general question and Amy said she would be quite happy to tell people she is from New Zealand but may hesitate to tell people what she did for a living. She'll be like, "oh, why do you wanna know?"

Since I'm not using Amy's real name, I can reveal Amy's employment situation is probably as complicated as my mother tongue situation. She originally trained as an accountant, but wasn't happy in accounting as she found it boring, then decided to start her own business with a friend and unfortunately, like many start-ups, it didn't work out. In the meantime, she had a baby, so she took more time out of work and she then tried to get back into accounting after that, but struggled to find a position that was senior enough and would meet her expectations, but then she managed to find a position in Dubai which she did for two years, but when it came time to renew her contract, she decided she didn't like working out there and wanted to return home to New Zealand for her family so her parents could help with childcare. So she's back to square one, unemployed and looking for opportunities now - so she could say something like, "I'm a trained accountant" or "I work in accountancy" instead of "I'm unemployed" but unless you're a close friend, she would rather not talk about it. I know Amy is a highly intelligent woman, it's just that her employment situation is somewhat unfortunate at the moment. Whereas in my case, yeah my employment history is complex but I am very happy to talk about my job as I am quite happy doing what I am doing at the moment, in fact if you asked me what I do for a living, I would say, "do you have some time now? Are you sitting comfortably? Good, then I shall begin." Yeah, I'll be more than happy to talk about my job. Thus in Amy's case, she's more than happy to tell the people she meets whilst traveling about her beautiful country of New Zealand whilst she would avoid talking about her unfortunate employment situation - for me, it's not that I'm ashamed of the UK or Singapore, it's just that I'd much rather talk about something that is closer to my heart like my job.

So there you go, that's it from me on this topic. What do you think about this? How do you react when someone asks you 'where are you from'? Do you view that question as an innocent ice breaker or a rather intrusive question? If Amy thinks I am being too sensitive about talking about where I am from, can I accuse her of being too sensitive about talking about her awkward unemployment situation? How do we know how to break the ice with someone we're talking to for the first time without being too intrusive and asking very awkward questions, whilst trying to show interest in them? How would you reply if a stranger asked you where you are from? Do leave a comment below please and many thanks for reading.