Do we want respect or simply friendship?

I have recently re-read a post that I had written a while ago: in that post, I tackled the myth that people from China are very rich today and of course, that's not true at all. A small minority of the Chinese population are becoming richer, but the vast majority are still piss poor by Western standards. The motivation for writing that post was not so much a lesson in geography or statistics but rather, my personal response to something my father said. I didn't want to argue with him, so I turned it into a blog post instead. The thing is that my father doesn't understand how you earn respect - I'm afraid he is severely autistic so he has rather poor social skills. Thus he was hoping that white people in the West would be astonished by China's economic prowess, assume that all Chinese people are rich and thus when they see him walking down the street looking ever so Chinese, would assume that he is rich and respect me. Of course, that's just total bullshit. If you want someone to respect you, then you have to earn that respect - you can't hope for someone to make some ridiculous assumption like that! But then again, this yearning for human dignity that my father yearns for is something quite basic that we all want; I know that my father is very insecure and quite afraid of people looking down on him. I can't teach my father anything now: you know the saying, you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink; but I would like to share with you some pearls of wisdom on the issue of respect that I've gleamed over the years.

Firstly, a little bit of definition is necessary here please: I think there are different levels of respect. There is the kind of respect that I would have for one of my role models - I know of this guy who has built up a business out of nothing, he came from a poor working class background like me, received no help from his parents but taught himself everything he needed to know about his industry. Yeah, there's a certain kind of self-reliance, independence and determination in his spirit that I admire and respect but that comes from me having an intimate knowledge of how he managed to succeed against the odds. We're not talking about that. What my father is after is something a lot more basic - so when he walks into a posh 5-star hotel, would the duty manager treat him the same way he would be treat any other guest? Would he think that my father was a guest with a reservation or would he call security to throw this person out who has no business being in such a posh establishment? After all, we all want to be judged fairly and not discriminated against - that's quite a basic desire.To be honest, I don't think my father has ever been thrown out of anywhere like that before - however, I know he is extremely paranoid about people looking down on him for a simple reason: he can't speak English. So even if we're in a situation whereby the staff at the front desk of the hotel are chatting amongst themselves about something like, "sorry, I can't go for lunch with you today, I'm on a diet and I've packed a salad, that's my lunch I'm afraid. Think about poor me counting how many cherry tomatoes I have left to eat when you have something hot and delicious." My father would imagine that they are saying something nasty and racist about him because he has no idea what they are saying.

Oh I have this in memory of a really posh restaurant I visited in Paris years ago. I had just finished this incredible crème brûlée when I asked the waitress where the washrooms are. She escorted me to the washroom, waited outside whilst I was using it and then walked me back to my table. I certainly wasn't expecting that - I thought she was merely going to tell me where the washrooms were, but to escort me there and back? This hotel certainly took good service to an extreme but was that waitress offering me respect? I don't think so - she was merely trained to escort the guests to take them to wherever they wanted to go in the hotel, it wasn't the case that she saw how much money I was spending in that hotel and suddenly respected me for my money. The lady was simply doing her job. Now if I were to take my father to that same hotel and he got that kind of service, I'm sure he would be delighted but let's make it clear: that's not respect he is getting from the staff there. I've done a post with my friend John who works in retail and he is professional enough to stay calm even when customers behave very badly in his shop, but make no mistake, he has nothing but disdain for customers who are very rude even if they spend a lot of money. He however, has far more respect for customers who treat the staff with respect even if they don't spend a penny in the shop after looking at the products. Unfortunately, my father seems to think that money can buy you respect and that's not true because you can certainly buy good service with your money but it is far harder to earn someone's respect. Indeed, there are some things that even money can't buy.

This goes way beyond strangers you meet (like the staff in a hotel or a restaurant), imagine ordinary interactions you have with people you've just met socially. So I had this situation in my gym recently, this guy I met asked me what I do for a living and I started out on the wrong foot. Instead of saying, "I work in corporate finance" - I began by giving him this convoluted story about some complex debt instrument that I'm working on and so he had no idea what the hell I was saying. So he responded by picking up on the one word he understood - debt. "So... are you helping people borrow money?" And I was like hell no, that's not what I do. Clearly I was quite upset. He was like, "woah, sorry - I misunderstood, can you tell me what you do then?" Then I supposed my insecurity had kicked in - I didn't want him to think any less of me or what I do for a living based on his misunderstanding (or my confusing explanation). None of us like to be shortchanged on the issue of respect: I remember this conversation I had with a woman back in 1997 when I was a student at UCL - now back then, UCL was ranked no. 3 in the UK University league tables and had the honour of being where you end up if you couldn't get into Oxford or Cambridge. Mind you, according to the Times Higher Education Guide, it is currently ranked no. 4 in their list for 2020. So this woman referred to UCL as 'London University' and I got quite upset with her. After all, London is a huge city with loads of university, some of them are extremely prestigious whilst others are so atrocious they are sitting at the very bottom of the league table, issuing degrees not worth the paper they are printed on! I was one of those brilliant scholars, not the stupid idiots at the shitty universities. I wanted her to respect me on the basis of the fact that I got into one of the UK's best universities, but she clearly glossed over that fact and it wasn't important to her. Like my father, I do crave that respect too - we all have the propensity to be a bit insecure.

Identify your audience - who do they respect? And on what basis? 

So in the two examples I had given you above, I had made a very basic mistake. I had picked two reasons why I should command respect: I have a well-paid job that few people can do and I was a scholar at one of the UK's top universities. In the first instance, the guy at the gym turned out to be a choreographer who thought that all bankers were evil and should go to jail (or straight to hell), he's actually very left wing so he was never going to be impressed with whatever fancy job title I had in the world of finance, he would have been far more impressed with me if I was say a social worker helping the homeless or refugees - social workers like that don't earn much money but nobody could deny the amount of good they are contributing to society in choosing that line of work and my choreographer friend has far more respect for people like that than us bankers who may be making a lot of money but not actually making the world a better place. Likewise with the woman I had the conversation with in 1997, she had just found out that her son was gay and she was in shock, so she was far more focused on the topic of the conversation - the fact that I was a scholar at a top British university really didn't matter to her ("gays can be scholars too you know") and it certainly wasn't particularly relevant to the topic of the conversation. I guess I wanted her to trust me so I had slipped that into the conversation, but she clearly wasn't impressed or even half interested. That was why she barely took any notice of the name of the university as it wasn't relevant to her son's sexuality. In both cases, I was guilty of seeing things entirely from my own perspective instead of the other person's perspective. After all, I can be guilty of being an autistic moron at times, guilty as charged.

Thus my father is often making the same mistake as well - he is so worried that unless he walks into a posh hotel or a restaurant literally waving a big stack of money in the air, people would somehow assume that he is poor and doesn't belong there and thus 'look down' on him. However, what my father doesn't realize is that he is confusing quality customer service with genuine respect - thus if I were to book a suite at one of the world's most expensive hotels, then of course I would be treated like royalty and get excellent service for a simple reason: I paid for a lot of money for it, I didn't earn it. Indeed, in places like America where you have a culture of tipping, you can get exceptionally good service because you're far more likely to live a generous tip if you are very happy with the service you have received. But if you want people to offer you respect after getting to know you, then that is completely different. As I had demonstrated in the example with the choreographer in my gym, you can't assume that people would respect if you earn a lot of money - no, it is never as simple as that and that was something my father never understood. I suppose it was because he had a major chip on his shoulder - he was a humble primary school teacher whilst his older brother was a multi-millionaire tycoon who was insanely rich. Oh we're talking crazy rich Asian rich. That probably explains why my father was always paranoid about people looking down on him because he was poor - it was not like my father was poor, thankfully the Singapore Minister of Education paid him a respectable salary as a teacher and to be fair, he was doing something useful for society. Thus my choreographer friend at the gym would have probably respected my father far more than me.

Friendship vs respect

We're all after something that's far more basic that respect: it is the simple expression of friendship. It is a far simpler gesture than respect and it is important for us to use the right words to describe the difference between offering someone respect and friendship. So imagine if I see someone show up at my gym and I walk over to say hello in a friendly manner - I'm not offering respect, well not yet anyway. I don't know enough about this new person to have any basis to offer them respect but what I certainly can offer is friendship. I am more than happy to go up to the newbie and say, "hello, how are you? What's your name? Is this your first time here? Do you want to train together?" I would start a conversation, make them feel welcome in the gym - I'm a regular at that gym, I have loads of friends there so I am in a position of privilege to extend that kind of friendship to a newbie who may not know anyone there yet. I do not do this with every single person who shows up at my gym for the very first time - there are a number of factors that would sway my decision whether or not to go up to them to say hello in a friendly manner: it could be their age, their gender, whether they are any good at gymnastics, how they speak English (if I can deduce their class identity or if they have a foreign accent), how they interact with the others around them and so my decision whether to approach them would be based on whether or not I think they would respond positively to me saying hello and if I might enjoy talking to them. But imagine if you show up at an event or a party, somebody comes up to you to make you feel welcome and takes an interest in you, surely that makes you feel good. Hence such genuine respect is rather hard to earn but surely friendship is a lot more accessible?

If you want people to be friendly to you in such a situation, then the answer is pretty obvious: be friendly! Now unfortunately, that's something my father doesn't understand because he was a teacher - he didn't need to be friendly, the students in the school were mostly quite obedient and willing to listen to him; the parents of the students as well were mostly very polite with him. But once he was out of his comfort zone, my father struggled with this simple concept of being friendly. I've once witnessed him being quite rude in barking orders at a waitress in a restaurant and I told him that she had done nothing to deserve that tone of voice, why couldn't he treat her with a bit of dignity and speak to her nicely? He then claimed that it was because we were in a busy restaurant and if the waitress thought we were too easily pleased, we would get slow service or get ignored whilst the more demanding customers will get served first. He wanted to show that waitress who was boss, that he was her social superior and she should respect him. This also explains why they treat the maid like crap and I am both appalled and ashamed of their behaviour. You see, that is no different from the way my father would treat a student in his class who was disruptive - typically, my father would go out of his way to punish the potential trouble maker and send a strong message: "I don't know and I don't care what the other teachers let you get away with, but in my class, if you try anything like that, you're in big trouble. So you had better behave yourself or else!" The students don't respect him but fear him because they know he would hesitate to punish the trouble makers - now when he brings that mindset into a restaurant and tries to treat the waitress like that, then all she's going to do is pee in your soup rather than respect you. That's not the way to make friends - all you do is make people hate and/or fear you.

What kind of message are you sending to others? 

There's an important lesson that I have learnt over the years from the world of business and that is the importance of fitting in. We do live in a very judgmental society and different societies will subject you to different kinds of judgement according to their own rules. You will be accepted in a community if you come across as someone who does belong there - that means you dress like them, you talk like them, you understand their jokes, you are familiar with their cultural and leisure activities and when you tick all those boxes, they naturally would welcome you as a friend because you come across as quite familiar. I deal with this a lot in the business world - the way you dress sends out certain messages: in my work, I often have to deal with older, posh, British men in the banking industry (think Jacob Rees-Mogg, he's a bit of a stereotype but you get the idea). Oh the British have a very clear concept of class and so for example, if you attend a black tie event, you need to have the right kind of shirt, the right kind of shoes, all the right accessories to fit in and send the message, "I attend posh black tie events with other rich people regularly, so of course I know the dress code and I have purchased all the right clothing." If you do not have all the right pieces of attire then people will assume you're not posh enough to be invited to such events, it is just not common for a humble teacher or nurse to attend events like that, that you don't belong in such social circles. I believe that if you're going to dress up for these fancy events, either do it properly, spend the money and look the part or just don't bother dressing up at all - trying to save a bit of money by wearing the wrong shirt or the wrong shoes because you don't want to buy anything new for just one event is simply going to send out all the wrong messages. "Urgh, he's poor, he doesn't belong here, I'm going to talk to someone else."

Likewise, even if we were to start engaging you in conversation, it is up to you to send the right kind of message that we're the person we want to talk to - otherwise, I would end the conversation pretty quickly (but politely of course) and move onto someone I would rather spend my time and energy talking to, someone who is my social equal. If you think this is harsh, then yes, of course it is harsh. We will be dismissive with people we regard as socially inferior and perhaps that's what my father has always been afraid of: to be regarded as socially inferior to others and I can relate to that, it is a very valid concern. Now I don't want you to think that it is all about one's accent in English - we're operating in a very international business environment where you're likely to encounter a range of accents in a city like London. When you meet someone for the first time, you're likely to make small talk rather than divulge your latest business plans - so you talk about your leisure activities and that's when you realize there's a huge difference between what rich people do in their spare time and what poor people do. This is why I am so desperate to take my nephew skiing in Europe this winter because this is what rich people do - poor people do not ski, I want him to be able to say, "yes I've been skiing with my uncle and we had a fantastic time" rather than come across as someone who is way too poor to ever access winter sports. The irony is that my sister and my brother-in-law are so rich, they are doing extremely well for themselves, yet they do not do a lot of the leisure activities that rich people in the West would indulge in, like skiing. Mind you, it's not like my sister is uncultured - the problem is that she works such crazy long hours that she has little time for skiing holidays. 

A desire to be liked and accepted by beautiful people.

Last night I was invited to a structured finance networking event hosted by one of the biggest law firms in the world Latham & Watkins. This is an extremely prestigious company to work for and they only hire the brightest and the best talents from around the world - when I walked into the room at the Hotel Cafe Royal, I was impressed by just how well organized the event was. I was welcomed by a host who got me a drink whilst subtly assigning one of the associates to come and talk to me about my company's business (and see if Latham & Watkins could be a part of our world). Okay I know I was being pitched at the end of the day, but goodness me, I loved each and every single one of them - they were super intelligent, they were witty and charming, they dressed extremely well and suddenly, there was a part of me that thought, "don't say anything stupid now, don't embarrass yourself." I got a bit nervous admittedly, so when I mentioned that I deal in asset-backed listed bonds, one of the lawyers then wanted to prove his expertise in structured finance by asking me a very technical question about my bonds and goodness me - I didn't know the answer to his question and there was this one moment when I panicked. Would he think that I was stupid and didn't belong in such fine company if I didn't know the right answer to this question? I deflected the question and I said, "I'm afraid that's not my area of expertise, but let me tell you about what I'm currently working on." I then changed the course of the conversation, steering it to a topic that I had a good understanding of. So yes, for a moment, I got scared that I would not be accepted by these beautiful, intelligent, rich lawyers in the room if I didn't say the right things - thus I can relate to my father's insecurity. This wasn't even about respect - it was about meeting the other's party's expectations in order to receive their friendship. I admired these people and wanted them to like me, so I wanted to fit in and truly feel like I was one of them.

So in conclusion...

Actually I had a really good time at the event last night despite feeling a little bit nervous every now and then but I have learnt to accept that being nervous is normal and healthy - it goes to show that I do care about what people think about me and I do have to leave a good impression on the people I've met. But let's be realistic here, I think my father had set himself up for a lifetime of insecurity because he was always worried that people wouldn't respect him - now that's clearly an unrealistic expectation which I don't have. I merely want people to like me enough to be friendly with me, I don't ask for their respect - if it happens, then that is great but if it doesn't then it is no big deal. Furthermore, if people don't even like me, then all I want is for them to remain reasonably civil with me and avoid being hostile with me. This is something I have to deal with as a blogger active on social media, I do get a lot of haters sending me really hateful racist and homophobic messages - but I have learnt to deal with that as well and I have discussed this in a previous post. Ultimately, if I do meet someone who really hates me, I will shrug my shoulders and say, "tough shit, I realize you feel that way but I've got plenty of friends who do love me so I shall just ignore you, your opinion doesn't mater to me." Now it take a lot of self-confidence to be able to react like that and sadly, I think it is too late to teach my elderly father about this but that's why I'm sharing this with you on my blog for my readers. So what do you think? Are people simply confusing respect and friendship in their social interactions? Please leave a comment below, many thanks for reading.