Internet trolls, haters and other crazy people on the internet

Hi there - today I would like to deal with a topic that would affect anyone who would participate in social media. Now many of my regular readers will know that I have an Instagram account and whilst I have talked about the amount of hate mail I get on this blog, I also want to talk about hate mail I get on Instagram. For those of you who haven't seen my Instagram before, you can click on the link here. I actually get quite a lot of hate mail on Instagram in two ways: firstly, you can message anyone on Instagram and yeah, some people leave me hateful messages that way. Secondly, they think they can hurt me by leaving a comment on one of my photos by saying things like, "you're so fucking ugly" or "you're so old and fat" - yeah that's the latest one. Well here's the thing, I have a really thick skin and it really doesn't bother me if people want to do that, but I would like to talk about this topic as there will be young people out there who wouldn't have the experience to deal with crap like that on social media and may become upset by things like that should it happen to them. So in today's post, I am going to talk more generally about getting hate mail and abuse from strangers.

Let's revisit the issue of internet trolls.

What is the purpose of social media then? 

I'd like to start by asking some fundamental questions. Why do I have an Instagram account? What do I use it for? Why do I feel I need it? I remember when my Instagram account got hacked a while back, I got really upset and felt it was a huge intrusion into my privacy. It did make me question myself as to why I felt I needed my Instagram account and what the purpose of it was - well, on a very basic level, it is to share a lot of the more interesting experiences I have with my reader and anyone else who cares to follow me on Instagram. I do travel a lot - in the last four months, I've been to Malta, Georgia and Italy and I am about to go off to Poland next week. I remember what it was like growing up in Singapore - as my parents were not rich, we couldn't afford to travel and I used to turn to books to learn about other countries, wishing I could visit those places and now in my 40s, I can do all those things I have always wanted as a child. I do know that I have a number of young people in Singapore who do follow my blog and my Instagram is very much a way for me to share a lot of these experiences with them. But as I have spent more time on Instagram, I am also posting on two other topics that interest me: gymnastics and men's fashion. So I post videos and photos from my gymnastics training along with a selfie or three whenever I dress up nicely - that way, I am not reliant on someone actually being there to compliment me when I perform a difficult gymnastics skill or when I wear something interesting, they can do it via Instagram even if they are halfway around the world. Most of the feedback and interaction I have on Instagram is positive, but in some instances, it can be hateful so I shall explore some bizarre and unusual haters I have encountered.

Case study 1: Hate mail from Peru

Recently, this guy in Peru (let's call him Jose - not his real name, just a fairly common Hispanic name) started leaving a lot of really hateful comments on my Instagram photos - he was calling me ugly and said my face was unattractive, that even if I wore all these expensive designer suits, I was still stuck with that same nasty face. There were a lot of  the less imaginative insults as well. He left all these hateful, angry comments in Spanish, not realizing that I actually speak Spanish fluently. Now I had no idea who this person was or what made him go on such a sustained attack on so many of my photos - so out of curiousity, I clicked through to his Instagram to see whom he was and try to find out why he hated me so much. Was he some kind of white supremacist who hated me because I am Asian? Was he some kind of fashionista judging me for the way I dressed? Who is this guy and what have I done to incur his wrath? Well, what I saw really surprised me - Jose looked about 17 or 18 years old and came across as a fairly normal teenager in Peru. I scrolled through pictures of him at his sister's birthday party - it was a family celebration in a modest looking flat, indicating that they were not rich but were very much Peruvian working class. Furthermore, this teenager was quite fat and I'm choosing my words carefully here, but he certainly looked unattractive - he made little effort to try to present a more flattering image of himself on Instagram by trying to look glamorous or elegant. I can only guess that he is so poor that he didn't have the money to buy nice clothes or to go to fancy restaurants for those Instagram pictures that inspire envy. Instead, I got a glimpse of how working class people in Peru were trying to make the best of a difficult situation.

Sometimes I would watch documentaries about the lives of ordinary folks in countries all over the world and I can imagine Jose's family being featured in one of those documentaries - the producer would probably portray them as a hardworking working class family who don't have much but are happy because there is a lot of love in the house and they would feature Jose serenading his sister on her birthday. That'll be our cue to say, "oh isn't that sweet? That Peruvian kid has no money to buy his sister nice gifts on her birthday but he is making up for it by singing to her so sweetly. It goes to show money can't buy you happiness." So what is going on here? Is Jose actually jealous of me because I am living in a much richer country and can obviously afford to do things like buy designer suits and have fancy holidays whilst his family is barely making ends meet in a small town in Peru? I don't think so because there are far richer people than me flaunting their wealth on social media. Besides, a lot of the insults he threw at me were unimaginative and even cliche (don't forget, I speak Spanish fluently) - it's the kind of stuff you would shout angrily at a car who didn't stop for you at the zebra crossing, almost running you over. You didn't get a good look at the driver, yet you're angry so you just yell out something to vent your anger. Compare this to one of the haters on my blog who makes a genuine effort to actually read my blog and make personal attacks (for example, about my sexuality or my autism) and that's a completely different kind of attack because it is personal. Jose wasn't making a personal attack at all - he doesn't even know me. No, he's just so angry and lashing out, venting that anger. I note that this kind of attack isn't personal as I've not done anything to him.

So I did a little bit more digging and learnt more about Peru - it is a rapidly developing Latin American country with a huge wealth distribution problem: the rich are becoming richer and the poorer are becoming poorer. It is a common story all over the world, from Peru to China. Someone like Jose must feel an intense sense of frustration each time he reads about Peru's economic boom in the media when he fails to see any real improvements in his family's living conditions. Different people react to this frustration in different ways - I'm guess that Jose is turning to attacking random people on Instagram to unleash a torrent of abuse as that's the only way he can express some of that anger he feels. You know, in an ideal world, someone like Jose might join a local NGO to help fight for the rights of local communities ignored by the government or come up with something ingenious and low-cost to improve the  lives of thousands of Peruvian people. But in the real world, someone like Jose is powerless, unskilled, not very educated, inarticulate and very angry - somehow, that is a toxic mix of conditions that has led him to attack me on Instagram. Like, what are the odds, I ask you? So how do I react to Jose's attack? Firstly, I don't take it personally and I am trying hard to respond with compassion and empathy, to try to understand why he would randomly attack someone like me on Instagram. But of course, I don't deserve to be at the receiving end of that torrent of abuse - hence I decided to block Jose on Instagram and deleted all his hateful comments before blocking him on Instagram. That marked the end of the matter for me: I sighed and felt sorry for him, I wish he had a much better way to channel his anger, in a manner that would have been far more constructive.

Case study 2: An angry vendor on eBay

I have been buying stuff on eBay for years and it is a fun experience most of the time - sometimes I get bored at work and I start surfing eBay, looking at random things they recommend. I don't log on with a shopping list in mind, I just buy random things that take my fancy. So some time back, I did one of those impulse buys and spent a grand total of £12 (that's S$21.20 in Singapore dollars) on an item. This was one of the few times when something did go wrong, the item was never delivered and when I contacted Royal Mail, they claimed the item was lost in their system and for the vendor to make a claim against them. The vendor (from Middlesex in England) didn't believe me when I said the item wasn't delivered and I had to make a complaint with eBay to get a full refund (which I did when they ruled in my favour). I thought that was the end of the matter, then I went off to Italy on holiday and whilst I was in Italy, what had happened was this: Royal Mail did eventually locate the package and tried to deliver it again, this time it was accepted by my neighbour downstairs and stashed away in a safe place. The vendor then found out that the package was finally delivered and she went apeshit. She accused me of deliberately refusing the first delivery just so I could make a claim against her to get a refund, only to then rearrange a new delivery after I got a refund from her. Yeah, that's a very elaborate ploy for a grand profit of £12 - do you know how much I earn? Have you any idea how rich I am? Surely if I wanted to pull of a scam like that, I would buy something a lot more expensive and not something worth just £12. I tried to explain that I was out of the country and would check if the item had been delivered once I got home, but she was having none of it and demanding that I gave her the money back. She wrote angry messages, accusing me of lying, ALL IN CAPS TO SHOW ME HOW EXTREMELY ANGRY SHE WAS, telling me she had complained to eBay about me - she used all kinds of quite vile insults to threaten me. Eventually when I got back from Italy, the package was there and I did give her the money back.

Now I could have entered into a long argument with this crazy woman, but then I saw something posted by my friend Kevin Jang (who is also a reader of this blog) which made me pause and reflect. He shared a picture entitled the anger iceberg which read: icebergs are large pieces of ice found floating in open ocean, what you can see from the surface is misleading as most of the iceberg is hidden underwater. In the picture, the bit of the iceberg sticking up above the water was labeled 'anger' with the caption, "this is how anger works, often when we are angry, there are other emotions hidden under the surface". In the part of the iceberg submerged underwater, the ice is labeled with words like shame, fear, grief, pain, embarrassment, regret, trauma, guilt, loneliness, rejection. Sure it was unpleasant to be at the receiving end of such ridiculous accusations over a petty amount of money like that, but I took the time to look at her eBay 'shop' and it was clear that she was selling random items for very modest amounts of money - it almost looked as if she had gone around her house to try to find random things to sell on eBay just to make some money. There was no real theme to her shop: there were some old clothes, books, children's toys, furniture, video games, some sheet music, plumbing equipment (yes, plumbing equipment!) and even a few Prince Diana collectibles. On one hand, perhaps she is trying to declutter after jumping on the Marie Kondo bandwagon, but I actually think that she is just desperate for money and is trying to raise some money by selling all her earthly possesions on eBay. This would explain the rather eclectic mix of items she is selling on eBay and why she would get so angry over a sum of £12 which is quite a small amount of money. 

Is she really that poor that £12 would have made a huge difference to her life, would that amount of money meant whether or not her children would get to eat properly that week? Perhaps, I can't tell for sure - I did see the return address label on the package and I got curious enough to google it. Google maps showed me a picture of a rather grim looking council estate and let's just say from what I have seen, you wouldn't choose to live in such a neighbourhood if you had money. This woman was definitely poor, but why was she so angry - why did she assume the very worst of people rather than simply ask any questions? After all, she could have simply written me a neutral message like, "Hello there. I can see from Royal Mail's recorded delivery records that the item was finally delivered to you last week - can you please confirm that you have indeed received it? If so, then I would like to ask you to pay for the item again, since I had already refunded you for it. Thank you so much." That's what most normal people would have done to try to resolve a situation like that amicably, without making any wild accusations. Given the amount of time and effort she put into trying to recover £12, it does seem that £12 is indeed a huge amount of money to her. Heck, if I spent £12 on an impulse buy on eBay and didn't like it, I would either give it away or donate it to charity - my local Oxfam charity shop has benefited from quite a number of my bad eBay decisions. Look, I work in sales, I understand how to make money: either you shift huge volumes of a low-value product like these vendors in China do when they sell anything from socks to kitchen utensils to children's toys with small margins or you go high end and sell a small number of very high value items like electronics or designer fashion with high margins. This woman was selling a small number of low-value products: she was definitely quite poor and very desperate for what little money she could get this way. Life must be pretty grim for her.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not looking down on her just because she is poor. No, I got upset because she made baseless, ridiculous assumptions about me by assuming the very worst of me without even asking me a single question. I'm a very rational businessman and I often have to deal with difficult negotiations at work. It is within this context that I believe that you're far more likely to get what you want (in her case, her £12 back) if you were to treat people with respect and civility than to hurl abuse at them. Oh this woman wasn't just unreasonable - I think she has serious mental health issues. What I was witnessing wasn't just very bad business practice, but I was certain that there was definitely something very wrong with this woman's mental health. Can you imagine going through life assuming the worst of everyone you come across? She must think that everyone hates her, that everyone is out to get her - hence her paranoia. There was a part of me that thought, because you've been such a bitch, I won't give you the money back - what are you going to do about it? Call the police? Complain to eBay that you didn't have a good experience? But then I looked at the context of the situation, I knew she lived in a grim, nasty council estate, taunting her would have been incredibly cruel (no matter how rude she had been). I could see from the items she was selling on eBay that her financial situation was probably as grim as the council estate she lived in. I decided to bite my tongue, be kind and give her the money back because I knew that I was only seeing her anger but there's a lot more of that anger iceberg under the water that was probably turning her into this paranoid, angry banshee online who starts making ridiculous accusations and hurling insults. Ultimately there's really nothing to be gained by arguing with people like that - so sometimes the only rational response is to feel sorry for them.

Case 3: Totally anonymous haters

Let's go back to Instagram and I have received some hate mail recently from someone, this time the hater posted in English. It was pretty unimaginative again, he posted things like, "you are so fucking ugly". But when I went to his Instagram profile, it was almost completely empty: 0 posts, 0 followers and following a small number of people including me for some bizarre reason - like, why would you follow someone you clearly hate enough to troll? Go figure. I would have dismissed it as a troll's account, set up specifically to attack people anonymously, but this guy did follow a small number of people on Instagram and again, there was no specific theme amongst the small number of people he chose to follow. It did seem that this hater has been using that Instagram account for a while at least to view content, but here's the thing: I respond to hate mail the same way most people do on Instagram - I simply block them and that's the end of the story. So this hater probably had no more than a few hours to leave as many hateful insults as he could on my Instagram account before I could block him and that would mean that he would have to find a new target for his hate. It just made me think, this guy spends all his time hating people on Instagram, what is actually going on in his life? At least Jose in Peru posted some interesting pictures of his family during his sister's birthday celebrations - there was some evidence of joy and love in his life, even if he was a very angry young man. For the haters who have never ever posted anything on Instagram before, I do wonder what kind of lives they lead - is there really nothing worth sharing from your lives? Or are they actually afraid of attracting haters themselves, once they start putting content out there on Instagram?

Here's the thing about Instagram - you may accuse me of being extremely vain in the way I post so many selfies (and guilty as charged), but at least I am focusing on myself. Now I have friends who post very little on Instagram but they don't go around leaving hateful angry comments on posts that they don't like - instead, they merely focus on content that they do like. What these haters are doing are focusing on content that they hate rather than stuff that they like, now it can't be pleasant experience when all you're doing is looking at stuff you hate online and reacting to it. Ouch. What do you get out of that? Allow me to point out the obvious: you don't solve the problems in your life by projecting your insecurities, worries, pain and anger onto others by sending them hate mail online. It may provide some kind of distraction from your own problems and it may go some way in terms of allowing an frustrated young person like Jose to vent his anger but after they have spent an hour or two spreading their hate online, they are still pretty much still going to have to go back to all those problems in their lives. Now surely that time could have been spent much more pragmatically doing something far more constructive to improve their lives but I am seeing a pattern of angry people being so blinded by their pain and anger that they end up making really poor decisions. So when I see a blank profile on Instagram, I start wondering, "do you really think you're so ugly that you don't even dare to post one selfie here? Why are you so afraid? What are you afraid of?" Then of course, I have plenty of self-confidence when I post a selfie on Instagram and that's something perhaps we shouldn't take for granted with these people. Some people are genuinely afraid of being judged.

Furthermore, I do wonder what these people hope to achieve when they send hate mail - after all, if someone left me a comment telling me that I'm really fucking ugly, the only logical response for me at that stage is to block the hater who left that comment. I will not respond by getting into an argument, but hypothetically, imagine if I went on the counter-offensive and attacked someone like Jose in Peru. I could make fun of him in so many ways - supposed he managed to illicit that response from me, he would probably retaliate with more insults and somehow that's suppose to be fun? Geez, no thanks, I say. I have enough stress from work, I don't go picking fights with strangers online in my free time. No, what I tend to do is to look for positive interactions: so for example, if I like baking, then I would look for other people who are interested in baking and we would follow each other on Instagram. You then become a part of a virtual community with other fellow bakers, where you exchange recipes, share baking tips, receive plenty of support and encouragement as you share photos and videos of your latest creations from your kitchen. So no matter what your hobbies and interests may be, it is always possible to try to find a community of like-minded people on Instagram for you to receive that support and encouragement. That's how normal people use social media - only very warped people use it to pick a fight with strangers. I have enough difficulty getting along with the people in my life already, I don't need to find more people to disagree with me! I would rather just ignore people whom I am never going to get along with than argue with them. There are not enough hours in a day for that kind of angst - no thanks! That's my cue for one of my favourite internet memes.

So, how should we react then?

I could go on and list the various ways I have been attacked before but I think it is more important to talk about how we should react when we do get attacked on the internet. Now I do have this friend Mark who is very anti-Brexit, he goes on Twitter spoiling for a fight with anyone who is pro-Brexit and he spends too many hours a day arguing with people on Twitter. Yeah, ain't nobody got time for that. I think there's really only one way to react and I have to thank Jose in Peru for this: you see, you have to move beyond the angry words, you have to move beyond reacting to what they have said, you have to look at the person who has attacked you. That's not always possible if the attack is totally anonymous but in the case of Jose from Peru, I knew exactly whom he was and had the chance to find out a lot about him. What I saw was a very angry young man who was in pain, who was lashing out randomly because he was so frustrated with life and whilst some people turn to alcohol and drugs, Jose has turned into an internet troll. It's both sad and pathetic - this man has nothing in his life, he has no money, he doesn't have good looks, he doesn't have much of a future in his small town in Peru. Yet when he goes on social media and attacks people, suddenly he feels empowered because if he manages to insult a young woman on Instagram, let's say he calls her fat, slutty and ugly and he manages to make her cry as a result - then suddenly he feels very empowered as he has the power to upset others. But let's face it, if he ever did that in a street in the town where he lives, say he went up to a woman and called her ugly, she would probably punch him in the face and kick him in the balls - he would be begging for mercy and apologizing to her within moments. Yeah, by that token, if someone is so pathetic he has to resort to being an internet troll to feel empowered, then you can only imagine how tough his daily life must be. By that token, I choose to feel sorry for him whilst denying him the power to upset me.

Perhaps asking you to feel sorry for the person who has attacked you is a big ask, especially if they have said some pretty awful things to try to provoke you - it is hard to show compassion especially if they are totally anonymous. But thanks to Jose in Peru, I have actually managed to catch a glimpse of what one of my trolls look like in real life and it's just not worth wasting my time with people like that especially since I have other people in my life I would much rather dedicate my time and energy to. Furthermore, it is important to be logical - responding angrily to a troll is exactly what they want you to do, they are trying to provoke a reaction and thus denying them just that by ignoring them will actually infuriate them. When they realize that they cannot provoke you, they will simply move onto a new target - but of course, thankfully on social media, it is quite easy to block someone who is bothering you on social media. So rather than focusing on what the troll is saying to you, focus instead on the troll: who is s/he? Where is s/he from and why is s/he acting like this? What kind of person is s/he? Unfortunately, we can't avoid crazy people on the internet the moment you start using social media and I hope my second case study has demonstrated how you can meet crazy people even on websites like eBay. It is important to recognize that they have problems in their lives which have made them behave like this - you can choose not to make it your problem by refusing to upset you. It is inevitable that someone may be nasty to you out of the blue on the internet or in real life (such as at work), but there is one thing we can indeed control: you have control over your feelings, you get to decide whether or not you allow yourself to get upset over it. Sometimes even haters and trolls deserve the benefit of the doubt and our compassion whether we know what their circumstances are.

Furthermore, there's an element of not caring about what others think - so let's go back to the troll who told me, "you're so fucking ugly". And my reaction is, "actually, that's not accurate - you may think I'm so fucking ugly. Sure, now that's your opinion and you're entitled to that. But I get plenty of likes and nice comments on Instagram, so that's one negative comment amongst loads of positive ones - that's the context. It seems you're one of the very few people who thinks that I'm so fucking ugly - the others who have liked my photo don't seem to agree with you." Now, imagine if I had posted a selfie of myself on Instagram and I only received negative responses - not a single like, only people telling me just how awful I look in the photo. If the overall reaction is so overwhelmingly negative, then you know you're clearly doing something desperately wrong in provoking that kind of reaction. Furthermore, you can also post something that goes completely unnoticed: no reaction whatsoever because nobody has even noticed your post - you're effectively ignored by the internet. If you want any kind of attention on social media (such as by using the relevant hashtags to draw attention to your post), then you have to accept that you have little or no control over what kind of reaction you may get once you upload a selfie onto Instagram or Twitter, allowing millions of strangers around the world to see that picture and judge you. It would be completely unrealistic to expect only 100% positive comments and reactions so whilst it is unfortunate that some trolls choose to make such personal attacks, I am happy enough if I get enough likes from the people that do matter to me (such as the people I am following on Instagram and my personal friends). And if Jose from Peru doesn't like my latest selfie - tough, it doesn't bother me. Heck, even the most beautiful, successful and glamorous celebrities don't get 100% positive comments on social media - hence getting some kind of negative feedback is hardly surprising.

So that's it from me on this issue. What do you think? Have you ever dealt with attacks from internet trolls that just came out of the blue? How did you feel about being attacked by a complete stranger rather than someone you actually know? Has it affected the way you use social media? How do you think we should react to such trolls then? Do you expect the social media platforms to do more to improve the situation or should we be the ones who take charge of the situation when we do encounter trolls like that? Do share your thoughts by leaving a comment below and many thanks for reading.