Integrity vs Despair: how do you want to grow old?

Hi guys, firstly, I want to thank the many of you who engaged me on a recent post when I talked about how I really want to understand why my parents are so difficult and many of you have offered a lot of understanding and empathy but I think I've also managed to figure out why my parents are the way they are. Thank you guys! I have been barking up the wrong tree with a few theories (such as dementia) but am quite right about a few others - Lex Tan had presented me with the theory of "Integrity vs Despair", in his words, "I concluded that those who turn unpleasant often feel despair, that they have failed at something personally significant, they are out of time to make a second attempt."

Lex pointed out to me that it is fairly common for older folks to become irritable, grouchy and difficult (or even downright obnoxious) - certainly, my parents do fit into that category but by that token, they are hardly unusual. The Integrity vs Despair theory does go a long way to explain why so many old people are the way they are - in a recent post, I did talk about an old man I witnessed recently have a major rant at a supermarket about everything from the way supermarkets have changed to the way the society has changed and immigration to politicians: in short, things were better in the good old days when he was a young man. He didn't like change and it made him feel alienated in a world where young people are glued to their mobile devices and we interacted with machines in a supermarket. Some people do fear change because they are unable to keep up with the many changes - a lot of it boils down to whether or not one feels prepared to deal with these changes and if they don't, well they just become grumpy old men. 

In the case of the supermarket, I remember that supermarket used to have only five cashiers and whilst I liked the products there, I used to dread queuing up for ages just to pay for my groceries. Since they have introduced the self-checkout machines which take up far less space, the queuing time has dropped dramatically since there are now ten self-checkout machines and they are easy enough to use. This old man clearly wasn't prepared to learn how to use the machine, so he would rather the supermarket got rid of them and went back to the old system despite that meant much longer waiting times. By that token, you've got to feel sorry for him - it doesn't take a degree in electronic engineering to scan a bar code at those machines, seriously, even a five year old child could do it. He must have such low self-esteem to be intimidated by such a machine for no other reason that it is something new that didn't exist when he was younger. Thus his refusal to learn how to use that machine at the supermarket was hardly a rational one.

I guess the problem in my case is that I left Singapore in 1997 - that's means that by 2016, I have spent over 19 years away from my parents. Back in the mid 1990s, I suppose my parents weren't that averse to embracing new things. I remember how they were constantly forced to do so by their employers - as primary school teachers, they were made to attend various courses by the ministry of education whether they liked it or not. But that meant that they became rather passive in terms of what new things they embraced: for example, they were hesitant about using computers until the school forced them to go for computer courses to learn how to use them. Once they had retired, they associated the use of computers with their work (rather than for personal use, entertainment etc) so they were like, phew I'm so glad I don't need to use a computer anymore and stopped using it and nobody said to them, "no you must embrace new technology" - they were retirees, nobody was interested in telling them what they must or should do. 

I suppose the one person who could have put some soft pressure on them to embrace new things would have been myself - but the moment I left Singapore in 1997, I was no longer in a position to encourage or influence them. My two sisters are quite different in character from me, if my parents didn't want to do something like use computers, they would just leave them be knowing that it would be an uphill battle to try to change their minds. In fact, my father has been ridiculously stubborn when it comes to two things in his life: firstly, because he was born and raised in British Malaya, he hates the British and refuses to learn/speak English. Secondly, he also refuses to have anything to do with modern technology. Being unable to speak English competently or use modern technology has put him at a serious disadvantage in Singapore today, Now I don't think my dad is stupid at all, quite the contrary, yet he is often his own worst enemy given how stubborn he can be. He simply chooses to ignore any kind of evidence that is contrary to the views he already holds. Believe me, trying to deal with someone as stubborn as that can be immensely frustrating.

My dad refuses to use the internet.

Let me give you an example. When we had our big quarrel last month, he said that if I had gone to a Chinese-medium school (ie. where Mandarin was the primary language of instruction and English was taught only as a second/foreign language) like he did, then I would not have this kind of attitude towards my parents and he blames the English-education system for my attitude. I had remind him that Chinese-medium schools were phrased out in 1976 - the year I was born so that was never an option unless he was prepared to send me away to be educated somewhere like Taiwan or China (which was never talked about - he was quite happy to send me to a local school and be educated in English). Ironically, it was the first time he had voiced any objections to the English-medium education system in Singapore and had often defended it, but I found it worrying that even I remember events (such as the phasing out of Chinese-medium education in Singapore) a lot better than him these days.

I don't think it is the responsibility of the school to teach children how to respect their parents - rather, the buck stops with the parents, if you want your children to respect you, then you jolly well bring them up right and teach them so. But if something does go wrong along the way and your children do not respect you, then the harsh reality is that you have failed in that aspect of parenting and you should accept responsibility for that rather than blame a third party (such as the education system or modern society). The most ludicrous part of the whole situation is that I think my father is retrospectively rejecting things that are relatively new in his life - he's already rejected all forms of modern technology post-2000 and now he's slowly working his way back to the 1970s and even rejecting things that were introduced in 1976. Given that he was born in 1938, he will probably keep on working backwards and reject things from the 1960s and even the 1950s as well for no other reason than it was not available during his childhood. Oh dear.

Now I find that rather sad (if not somewhat comical in a dark way) because I am still actively embracing new things in my life - I have just upgraded to an iPhone (finally, yes after years of having a crap old phone) and am spending a lot of time downloading new apps on my phone (which explains why I have not been blogging much of late, sorry, I am having too much fun with the new phone). I'm currently making plans to visit Bulgaria early next year (Sofia and Mt Vitosha here I come!) - you see I've never been there before and I am excited about having to learn a new language just for that trip. In my job, I am having to learn a lot about new products that my company will be bringing to the market in 2017 and there's a very steep learning curve to say the least. But with the right attitude, I simply accept that I am still young enough to learn new things and I refuse to be like my father - he's simply not a good role model by that token. But more to the point, I trust in my judgement - I embrace new things which I know are good for me and reject those which I have good reason to dislike: my father has a blanket ban on all things new which is based on no more than an irrational fear of anything unfamiliar. It is rather sad that he no longer trusts in his own judgement like that.

So in the integrity vs despair model, I'm afraid my parents have definitely slipped into despair mode. Lex explained it as, "they have failed at something personally significant, and they are out of time to make a second attempt." I could probably hazard a guess as to what they may feel they have failed at but my guess is probably as good as yours because my parents never talk about their feelings and even if they do feel some sense of regret, they will never express it openly (certainly not to me). I remember once when I was about 12 years old, my parents had a quarrel and my father said something about my mother's stubborn attitude to me. Trying to help the situation, I went to tell my mother what my father said and she just burst out crying because she felt that my father should have never shared his feelings with his children and embarrassed her like that. Oh dear. I thought my father confided in me because he wanted me to help - perhaps he just needed someone to talk to. I think that was the last time they ever shared any of their personal feelings with me. No, Asian parents never talk about their feelings. Regardless, I can see the evidence of their 'despair' and I can see how this has turned them into grumpy old people who resent anything unfamiliar.

My parents bottle up their feelings.

So my parents have become old and grumpy - I suppose it is a bit of a relief to come to that conclusion because some of the other theories I have had (such as dementia) have far worse consequences. I can live with the fact that my parents are old, grumpy and grouchy, simply because I know things could be far, far worse. By that token, it isn't something cultural specific for elderly folks all over the world, in every country, do have the propensity to end up grumpy and grouchy as well. I suppose I am part of the generation whereby we are a lot more enlightened about social skills and communication skills so when confronted with someone who is grumpy, unreasonable and grouchy, we can be like, "geez, what is wrong with you? Why are you like that?" However, if that person is your mother or father, then it can be quite hard to deal with it emotionally as you're simply too close to that person to be rational about the situation - I often just take it personally and jump to the conclusion that my parents must hate me when they probably don't. Grouchy, grumpy old folks hate everything and everyone in the present day because it is not 1983, so my only offence is that I have the audacity to exist in 2016. It's not personal - they're just grumpy elderly folks today.

So what do you think? Am I over-simplifying the situation with this 'answer'? Or am I doing the opposite by over-analyzing a simple situation? Do you have elderly relatives who are equally grumpy and grouchy? Is turning into a grouchy old grump inevitable - how do we grow old gracefully with integrity then? Given our ageing population, this issue is going to be ever more pertinent to our society. Do let me know what you think. Many thanks for reading.