A follow up to Neurotic Rambling's post on dealing with elitism

Hello readers, I am going to respond to a post written by one of my readers, a Singaporean couple aka Neurotic Ramblings. So it would make sense for you to read that post first, so that my response will make sense. They did reference one of my older articles on Singaporean parenting and good grief, that was a very, very long article. Gosh, my articles are so much shorter these days. Can I just say what a nicely written article that was Neurotic Ramblings (henceforth abbreviated to NR) - good writing style, the correct length and you've expressed both empathy and insight. I would like to offer my response to the issue of how one should respond to elitism in life.

To understand how we should respond to elitism, we first have to understand what it is in the first place. Let's turn to the dictionary for a bit of help on the issue:

Noun The advocacy or existence of an elite as a dominating element in a system or society. The attitude or behavior of a person or group who regard themselves as belonging to an elite.

Now when we find ourselves in any new environment - be it a new school, university, enlistment in national service or in the workplace, it is necessary to figure out the composition of the society around you. It is wrong to treat them as a monolithic entity, as if they all belong to the same group or community. You need to look a bit deeper and peer beneath the surface to figure out where the divisions lie and identify the sub-groups. Have a look at this video which explains how it works in the context of an American high school (taken from 'Mean Girls').

Life should never be a popularity contest - well, not unless you're a politician at election time, then it is really a popularity contest when you need as many votes as possible. But otherwise, why bother trying to be popular when what you really should be focussing on is finding a group of like-minded individuals to be your friends? After all, trying to get people whom you have little in common with to like you is a tiresome task, one best left to politicians.

Some form of elitism will exist in any social structure - too many people sidestep the issue simply by declaring, "elitism is wrong, it is discriminatory". That is like trying to solve an complex algebra problem by saying, "math sucks, I hate maths".  Like it or not, it is something you have to deal with, you cannot ignore. I had to deal with this when I first came to England from Singapore and I can certainly share a few lessons I have learnt along the way whilst at university.

There was more to university than studying. 

In Singapore, I had no problem being elite as I did well in the education system there, played by the rules and got my scholarship. In England however, a different social structure existed - students just weren't that obsessed with academic achievements but were far more focussed on what they wanted to do as adults after graduation. At my university, I had classmates who were from some of the richest families in the UK, whose elitism stemmed not from their academic ability but from their families' wealth and position of privilege. And there I was, the Ah Beng from Ang Mo Kio who got there on a scholarship. What was there to do? Cry about the injustice of life that my parents weren't super rich, that they were just humble Singaporeans from Ang Mo Kio? Like, what good would crying do?

Life is unfair, massively unfair and I looked at the super rich kids at my university - when I mentioned that I'm from Singapore, for them, the reference point is that Singapore is the stopover en-route to Australia. Most of them have just enjoyed travelling (to Australia and beyond) during their gap year and for my Singaporean readers who are not familiar with the concept of a gap year, allow me to explain (as very few Singaporeans actually take a gap year).

Singapore is a popular tourist destination for British gap year students.

In the UK, some richer students take a year off between completing their A levels and going to university. otherwise known as the 'gap year'. Most of the richer kids simply take this opportunity to travel the world for the first time without their parents (at the age of about 18).  Australia is an extremely attractive destination for British gap year kids. There is no language barrier, the climate is warm, it is a beautiful country and it is a huge country with so much to do and see. Many of these kids just want to get as far away from their parents as possible and so off they go to Australia (and sometimes New Zealand as well), usually with a stopover in Singapore on the way. Singapore is often viewed as the safer Asian stopover and the parents do not want their kids to get into trouble in somewhere like Bangkok - thus that is why many of my richer university classmates have actually visited Singapore.

Did these rich kids go out of their way to make the poorer kids like myself feel bad about the fact that we were not privileged? No, they didn't to be fair - but then again, they didn't have to. We already felt poor next to them - whilst I worked part time to gain work experience and earn some money, these rich kids could afford to go to play tennis, go to the spa and they didn't have to worry about work experience. Their parents would have lined up some internship during the summer holidays so they could tick that box and claim to have had work experience during their time at university. I couldn't even get any decent career advice from my parents in Ang Mo Kio.

Some of my classmates at university were ridiculously rich. 

How did I feel compared to classmates like that - who were comparing about what yachts their parents have, what cars their parents bought them and frankly didn't need a degree to begin with when they were sitting on multi-million pound trust funds. It made me realize that the rules of the games have changed - in Singapore, it was not about how rich your parents were, even rich kids were pressured to study hard and get good grades at school. Suddenly, at university in England, I was confronted by the harsh reality of life - that the odds had been stacked against me from the start and I had two choices: cry about it, or figure out a way to make the most of my chances - I chose the latter.

I remember once over hearing a conversation when two such rich kids were comparing what they had been doing in Australia in their gap year: climbing Ayers Rock, skiing in Perisher and Falls Creek, experiencing the Mardi Gras in Sydney, surfing on the Gold Coast, clubbing in Melbourne - you get the idea. It was a year long holiday of a lifetime filled with endless adventure and fun. I had been serving 2 years 4 months of national service in Singapore - how do you think I feel about my time in the army compared to their gap year in Australia?

Whilst my British classmates had their gap year, I served NS. 

I will be honest with my answer here: it sucked. I felt awful. I felt that life was deeply unfair and somehow these kids had a much more privileged start to life than I ever did as the Ah Beng from Ang Mo Kio. Now those were the real elite kids at my university and quite frankly, I knew I had little in common with them. There was this moment when I spoke to this student from Israel who like me, had also served national service. Something just clicked at that point - we understood each other for our paths had been similar. We could compare stories from our army days and we both share that mix of envy and disdain for these rich kids who would show up for the lecture moaning, "this time last year I was on Bondi Beach, oh god I don't wanna be here, I wanna be back in Australia, take me back to Sydney..."

I found empathy amongst the small group of male Israeli students in my department - of all whom, like myself, had to serve national service prior to coming to university. I also found perspective from being in that situation - I was far better off than my Israeli friends for national service in Israel was no joke, people got killed each time tensions flared up with the Palestinians. My Israeli friends and I were actually very happy to be students instead of soldiers - whilst our rich British classmates who had just returned from their gap year holidays didn't enjoy university as much as we did.

Oh what it must be like to have fabulously rich parents...

In life, we have to make the most of what we're given - there's really little to be gained from wishing for things to be different (the way the original article that NR were responding to did). People can protest about elitism being so very evil till the cows come home - but at the end of the day, they don't really have a solution. Short of moving to the moon and starting a brand new colony where the rules of human society on planet earth don't apply in your lunar utopia, you can't run away from elitism. So stop moaning about it and listen up - I have some helpful suggestions.

What are my solutions then? Firstly, focus on what you are good at and indulge in activities where you set yourself goals, so you can feel good about achieving those goals. After all, there are things in life that money just can't buy - such as the satisfaction of overcoming your fears when dealing with a challenge. Avoid people who will take pleasure in putting you down. Instead, always focus on improving yourself. Set yourself goals, focus on achieving those goals and always challenge yourself to do things you're afraid of just to prove to yourself that you're never afraid. Do take yourself out of your comfort zone every now and then and force yourself to do something scary.

This is why I go diving. I now dive twice a week - I have a bad habit of standing on the diving board for ages before I dive. Why? Because of the the time I am so freaking scared - divers often wipe out and whilst a back or belly flop doesn't usually cause any injuries (it does hurt though), the fear of falling is usually worse than the fall itself. However, I like to create something to fear, so I can confront my fears and overcome them by executing a reasonably good dive despite having been afraid of it. It is me vs my fears and I never allow my fears to win. I tell myself it is okay to belly flop but it is never okay to chicken out on a dive. You'll be amazed how many divers 'abort' a dive because they panic at the last moment and give in to fear. I used to do that but I have stopped giving in to fear. I see diving as more than a sport - it is a form of meditation where I test my mental strength, where I face my fears and when I have a good session, I leave the pool feeling I can take on anything in life because I am not afraid.

You may think, okay that's great Limpeh but what has diving got to do with dealing with elitism? I will explain: the worst part about being confronted with elitism is that terrible realization that the odds are stacked against you through no fault of your own. Maybe like me, you have worked very hard at school to get the grades in life and then you realize, damnit, these rich kids are going to get a better job with better pay than me because their parents are well connected and it doesn't matter just how much smarter I am. That can make you feel helpless, disempowered - because it is totally true and there's really not that much you can do to change that. Do you want to allow yourself to get depressed over that and wallow in self pity about how cruel life and fate has been to you? Or do you want to challenge the notion of giving in to your deepest fears and become a stronger person?

In confronting your fears via a proxy like diving - it is an exercise which allows you to face something that is scary and it is a way for you to re-establish your confidence. Diving allows me to feel empowered and in control of the world around me, because if I can conquer my fears by controlling my emotions under pressure when I dive, I genuinely feel that I can cope with anything. Often we just need an activity that helps us regain our confidence to face the things in life we can't change with a new feisty desire to fight with that 'if I can do this, I can do anything' attitude.

Secondly, accept that you have not been given some advantages in life, but appreciate the ones that you have been given. Okay, so I didn't get super rich parents, but I am very grateful for some of my abilities and talents for sports and learning foreign languages - that had to come from my parents DNA and I am grateful for that. I guess it is 'is the glass half empty of half full' quagmire? I choose to be grateful for what I am given, rather than get upset over stuff like, 'damnit, I started balding at the age of 35, that's my parents DNA for you.' I got mixed blessings from my parents DNA and I have since chosen to be thankful for the good stuff and I accept that the bad stuff came with the good stuff.

Thirdly, there are plenty of people who didn't have elite parents and still became extremely successful in life. One of my bosses had a father who was a Christian preacher - his parents knew little of life outside the church and they were deeply disappointed when he chose to become a businessman instead of becoming a pastor. He got virtually no help from his parents - he received nothing but constant disapprove for being a capitalist who made money. Yet somehow, he managed to become extremely successful and I have respect for people like that. Perhaps that is why he gave me a job - because he realized that I was not going to get any help either when it came to my career progression. I had nothing, I had to work hard for everything and I was keen to prove myself. I was more determined than most to succeed.

Would you rather work for someone like my boss who built his company up from scratch with no help, or some rich guy who inherited the company from his father when daddy retired? Ultimately, a good boss would have to make the choice - choose the best man for the job or give in to nepotism. Choosing to give in to nepotism may very well damage the business - so there is hope for people like me who have no chance of benefitting from any nepotism in the business world. It would be far easier to give a useless son money to spend than to give him a job in daddy's company where he can cause far more damage to the business. Oh yeah, I have seen that happen as well.

Elitism + nepotism = life is not fair.

I am a great believer in meritocracy and that is why I disapprove of the nepotism that I see these rich kids benefit from. Here's the irony: in Singapore, we're lied to. We're taught to believe that as long as we studied hard at school and got good results, we can compete fairly with these rich kids whose parents are so well connected in the business world. What a total lie. Nepotism exists as much in Singapore as it does anywhere else in the world - the only difference is that Singaporean students are so obsessed with doing well at school they have become oblivious to it. Or maybe they choose to believe what they want to believe in and simply ignore the ugly truth? Can you tell me why?

The fact that a foul-mouthed Ah Beng from Ang Mo Kio like myself can come to London and get a good job in finance is testament to the fact that yes, you can have the odds stacked against you but you can still do well in life at the end of the day. However, the key to my success was never my academic ability to do well in exams - it was my ability to deal with people and that was never a subject at school. Gosh, when I think about the pointlessness of my early education in Singapore - yet I was convinced it was all so bloody important at that time. Why do Singaporeans, as a nation, collectively buy into this lie whilst ignoring the nepotism that goes on around them?

I must study... I must study...

You know, if I could get into a time machine and speak to my 12 year old self, this is what I would say, "Don't worry about your studies - you're going to be alright because you're smart enough. None of it matters anyway, you'll be able to get a good job in the future because you're good with people so go out there and make more friends because that is the one skill that is going to serve you the best in the working world. And forget the maths homework - maths is a completely useless skill and don't believe anyone who tries to tell you otherwise. Maths sucks. Don't let anyone tell you that they're better than you just because they did well in some maths exam."

So readers, yes elitism exists in Singapore - but the divide isn't between those who are academically brilliant vs those who are not. Hell no. It is between the rich and the poor. This whole academic elitism thing is just a red herring to distract you from the real problems in life. After all, what kind of message would you send a poor kid if you tell him, "it doesn't matter how hard you work at school, you're just an Ah Beng from Ang Mo Kio at the end of the day - the odds are stacked against you in life, you realize?" Education isn't the answer per se, making money is and having a good degree doesn't guarantee you a well paid job - making money is a lot more complex than that. You either have to find something extremely lucrative (like sales), marry a rich old man or tap into some niche market where you become the best specialist in that field. After all, once you're rich, who gives a fuck whether you got an A for maths in secondary school? You only need enough numeracy skills to keep track of your money - and if you're that rich, you can hire an accountant for that. Well, unless you wanna become an accountant, of course...

As usual, let me know your thoughts, leave a comment. Thanks for reading.