Death, mortality, kindness and karoshi 過労死

Hi guys, I'm travelling tomorrow and I really ought to be packing but I just found out at an old classmate had passed away at the age of 48 - needless to say, this came as a shock to me. I have so many emotions in my head right now and writing a blog post is the best way for me to process everything that I feel right now. I don't know the cause of death as a few mutual friends in Singapore were equally shocked, they had chatted with him right till a couple of days ago and were not aware of any kind of illness. This post is rough and ready, given that I'm not writing this to drive you to other parts of my blog hence there will be no hyperlinks but this is more a way for me to process this unpleasant mixture of shock and grief that I am feeling right now. In this post, I shall refer to my friend who has passed away as Teo and out of respect for his family, I am not going to use his full name as I don't know how they would feel about me talking about it on my blog.

1. I remember the last time this happened. 

Back in 1997, I had a close friend die of leukaemia and she was only 18 then. I remember just crying so uncontrollably, screaming and wailing as loudly as I could because there was just no other way to let out that anger and pain apart from trying to externalize it by letting those around me know what I was going through. My autistic parents just stood there in shock and fear, like not knowing what to say or do as they simply didn't have the social skills, they then literally ran away rather than have to deal with me in that state. I remember screaming in such anger, "it isn't fair, this isn't fair!" I do feel the same emotion today, but my reaction is a lot calmer. I am alone at home now and no, I didn't cry like that. After all, I learnt from back in 1997 that no amount of screaming and crying can change anything and that's just the initial shock - we react with anger before the grief can set in. Don't get me wrong, the anger is still there but for a different reason: Teo was a good friend and a genuinely nice guy, yet there are so many people around who are horrible, nasty, evil people - why is Teo dead and these horrible people still alive then? Why couldn't one of these horrible people die instead, why did it have to be one of the nice guys to die at 48? This is a totally different kind of anger, one that I am still trying to process. 

2. It's rare that I want to still be friends with someone from school. 

Let me be the first to admit that I wasn't a nice person in secondary school for the simple reason that my social skills just weren't that well developed yet. It was really only when I became an adult that my social skills really improved in my 30s (yup, I was a really slow learner - unfortunately that comes with being autistic) that I actually could say I had good social skills - better late than never. But Teo was ahead of the curve, he was a nice guy even back then and that was why I chose to keep in touch with him as an adult. I did receive some other Facebook and Linkedin invitations to connect from other former classmates but I thought, you were not a nice person then, maybe you've totally changed but I'm not prepared to bother. This is why I am particularly saddened by the fact that it was one of the nice guys who passed away.

3. You can't take your money with you to the grave. 

Teo was a really successful businessman, amongst the cohort from my secondary school, he was one of those success stories. He is the founder and CEO of his own company which was incredibly successful. But I was concerned about the way he was working - when I was in Singapore and tried to meet up with him, he was only able to catch up with me late at night at around 11 pm. He once took me to supper and then drove me home because I had missed the last MRT, then he went right back to work after that even though it was about 1 am. There is a word for this in Japanese: Karoshi 過労死 and there was definitely an element of Karoshi in his death. He visited London and stayed with me, but even when he was on holiday in London, I would literally have to drag him out of the house to go sightseeing or else he would just sit in my living room working away, losing track of time. Teo is leaving behind a legacy in the form of his very successful company, I can think of so many other people who subject themselves to Karoshi but won't even be missed by their colleagues if they dropped dead the next day. I'm just thinking, if Teo knew that he wasn't going to live past 50, would he have worked just as hard to have accomplish everything that he has, or would he have taken more time out to spend with his friends and family, or to pursue his other interests outside work? And would he have made those choices differently? 

4. Take care of your health, the body can be broken.

I know it sounds like a cliché but Teo didn't take good care of himself. He worked crazy long hours, survived on very little sleep, had no time to exercise and relax - that led to a number of health issues over the years. Whilst we still don't know the cause of death, his lifestyle was undoubtedly very unhealthy and could have well been a contributing factor. So please don't subject yourself to 過労死, make sure you always get enough sleep, watch your diet and exercise regularly. 

5. People will remember you for your deeds, so be kind. 

I told my sister about Teo's passing because my nephew did an internship and got some work experience at Teo's company - my sister said she will go to his wake with my nephew to pay her respects because that's the least she could do after he gave my nephew that opportunity. If you are kind and generous in life, people will remember you very fondly. 

6. It made me think about my own mortality and my reaction to this. 

After the initial shock, this did make me think about my own mortality. It made me think about an incident that happened last week, I get around London by cycling and when I was on the Euston Road (a really busy main road in central London), this car drove really close to me, like I could literally feel the handlebars of my bike touching the door. I brushed it off when it happened given that I didn't lose my balance, but imagine if that car did clip me and knock me off the bike - that was unthinkable. Teo's passing just reminded me just how little incidents like that could turn out differently and I suppose there was a part of me that didn't just want to brush this aside the same way I brushed aside what happened on the Euston Road. I want to do something to pay tribute to Teo, to do something for him and remember him in a special way - I have an idea about what I would like to do but I am not going to talk about it on my blog until after I have done it.  Okay, that's it from me on this topic. Please leave a comment below, many thanks for reading and letting me share this.