I did prepare to speak to my family on Christmas day over Skype or Zoom, if they had responded to my message then I would have offered to speak to them. But instead, no, I got radio silence from them. Throughout the day today, I received so many Christmas wishes from friends, former colleagues, business associates and even some people I've not spoken to in ages but somehow, I got radio silence from my sisters. I did wait till about 2 pm London time (which would have been 10 pm Singapore time) and thought, okay, that call is not happening if they are not even responding. So instead, I went for a long bike ride in the rain just to get out of the house and do some exercise. I did think it was a bit cold of them to simply ignore my message but I think I know what is going on. To explain their mindset, I need to take you to my gymnastics club and introduce you to two of my gymnasts. Now as you know, I volunteer as a coach with my university alumni's gymnastics club and there are two really fat students doing gymnastics there - let's call them Alanna and Jemma (obviously not their real names). No one has gone up to them and said, "you're both too fat to do this" and I think that if they are committed to come to training week after week, perhaps they can lose some weight, improve their overall fitness, make some friends and get something positive out of the experience. There are so many overweight people who do little or no exercise, that is why I make an extra effort to encourage the both of them when they turn up for training. Can I first make a disclaimer please that the coaches would never push Alanna nor Jemma to do anything so difficult that is beyond their abilities and put them in any kind of danger of injury - however, what we strive to do is to get them to do something that they have never ever done before, something which is reasonably easy but different enough that they are going to have to work hard to achieve it. That way they can walk away from each session and feel that incredible sense of accomplishment, having learnt something brand new that training. These two students have such a contrast in attitudes though - Jemma was always keen to try, she understood that she was never going to succeed on the first (or second, or third etc) attempt and I assured her that it was okay to make some mistakes as long as she was trying her best. Alanna however, would take part in the warm ups and then suddenly disappear to the toilet for 20 minuets or have to make an urgent phone call when it was time to learn new skills. I did not want to put too much pressure on her but when Alanna's disappearing act was becoming too obvious - I confronted her about it and asked what I could do to help.
Alanna confessed that she was afraid - it wasn't so much that she was afraid of falling and breaking her neck, she was sensible enough to know that I would never allow that to happen. But she was more afraid of failing, she didn't want all the other gymnasts watch her try and then fail again and again, she said she would look stupid and clumsy. There was clearly a problem that stemmed from her lack of confidence in her ability to learn anything at gymnastics and I'm going to be honest, since Alanna was really quite fat, none of it was going to be easy. I was at a lost as I didn't know what to do, I had treated both Alanna and Jemma in the same way but Jemma seemed to respond very positively to my coaching and encouragement whilst Alanna simply retreated into her own shell. I actually told Alanna that sports should be fun and it should never stress her out or cause her distress, that if she was afraid of going upside down for example, then she would try a sport like volleyball where you can get a great workout without having to go upside down. However, Alanna insisted that she liked gymnastics, she wanted to continue trying and she would really like to learn more. Yet at the same time, this lack of confidence and her fear of failing was preventing her from trying anything new at training. Don't get me wrong, I have to confess that Jemma never became a great gymnast, she didn't learn all that much in the end as a return of her being so overweight, but at least she enjoyed herself a lot more than Alanna at gymnastics. In the short run, Alanna may have spared herself the stress of trying by simply hiding away, but in the long run, she wasted a lot of time doing an activity where she had learnt practically nothing as she had allowed her fear to hold her back. I think my sisters are guilty of being like Alanna - they are simply too afraid to try and thus they hide away. I realize I present a set of challenges that are unique, my sisters keep saying things that offend me when that's the last thing they are trying do do. Take for example, when my sister claimed that I suffered from extreme loneliness in my childhood at primary school - I didn't see it that way. I am autistic and an introvert, I found being in a crowded classroom stressful and so when I had the opportunity to be on my own during the breaks, I would clear my mind and go for a walk in the school garden. My sister witnessed me doing that and jumped to the conclusion that I had no friends and was very lonely - that isn't true at all. She had jumped to the wrong conclusion and I had taken offence that she didn't ask me for my side of the story on that issue.
Take my other sister for instance, she once said something that really offended me and I understand precisely where she had gone wrong. Back in November 2021, I went to Dubai for a business trip and I had extended my trip there to have a short holiday with my husband. I mentioned to my sister that we had visited Oman in the past and had explored the deserts there which were amazing. I did contemplate doing some kind of desert safari (which I did eventually) but my sister was like, "if you go to the desert you will die, the desert is so dangerous, don't go there." That's a drastic statement but allow me to translate it for you: what my sister meant to say was, "I know absolutely nothing about the desert, I certainly have never been to Dubai nor do I know anything about the Middle East, so if you sent me to the desert, then I will most certainly die because I am so ignorant." However, did I ask my sister to organize my trip to Dubai for me? No. Did I even invite my sister to come with me on that trip? No. Was I even asking my sister for travel advice or tips? No, for crying out aloud - I know how stupid and ignorant she is, I have so much more experience in this aspect than her so I would never ever ask her for help. Instead I was merely telling her what I was planning to do with my husband, it had nothing to do with her at all. Nonetheless, because she is autistic, she can only see things from her own point of view, she heard the words 'go to the desert' and she couldn't differentiate between a) someone sending me to the desert and having to figure out how to navigate my way back to the city and b) this is a story about someone else who knows exactly what he is doing having an adventure, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. The latter clearly applies, yet she responded as if it was the former. Look, I know my sister is really very ignorant and hardly ever travels, I accept that she is ignorant and stupid - that is fine by me. However, what really irks me is when she assumes that I am just as ignorant and stupid as she is and no, that is not okay with me. I know my sister wasn't trying to pick a fight with me or deliberately insult me, yet somehow she managed to cause offence. Thus after instances like this, she has become less and less confident when it comes to talking to me because she doesn't want to accidentally say something mortally offensive to me once again. I can imagine when I sent a message in the group, she probably thought, "oh no, I'm going to say the wrong thing and cause offence again, I'm not the only person in the group chat so I don't want to be the first to respond. I will just ignore the message and hope that someone else will say something first - I really don't want to mess up again."
So what my sister did in ignoring my message is really not that different from what I recall Alanna doing once during training - when a group of gymnasts are learning a new skill together, they would often line up and take their turn one by one, so the coach can observe their progress. Whenever it came to Alanna's turn, she would somehow slip out of the line and join the back of the queue, so as to avoid having to attempt the skill. When she does that, sometimes I let her get away with it as I have other students who are far more keen and want to learn with me. But if I confront her about it, she would start making all of these issues like, "I'm not feeling well today, I'm having my period etc" and I am left at a lost as to what to do with her. Likewise for my sisters, I don't know how I would react if they start making excuses the way Alanna does, it is my nature to shy away from confrontation so in a way, I am kinda relieved that the call today didn't happen. I suppose it wasn't hard for me to stop talking to my family given the quality of the interactions I had with them - had it been anyone else, I would have just stopped trying to talk to them a long time ago but because these are my immediate family members, I thought I had little choice but to put up with it and speak to them no matter what. For example, my parents had never asked me why I was so desperate to get out of Singapore and live my adult life elsewhere, I don't know if it was because they are not interested in the reasons why or if they think they don't have the intellect to handle such a conversation, or if it is simply a Pandora's box they do not wish to open, but in any case, like Alanna, they have simply never approached the issue all these years. But even if we take something a lot more fundamental like what I do for a living: firstly, they have absolutely no idea what I do for a living or why these companies are willing to pay me this much for my services. There's a part of me that wonders, aren't they even a little bit curious? After all, my early education in Singapore has done absolutely nothing to prepare me for the business world I inhabit today - I picked up a lot of what I needed to know along the way and that's a whole lot of useful knowledge that I can easily share with someone like my nephew as he will have to join the working world one day. I'm not expecting them to do what I do of course, I'm just expecting them to ask a simple question like, "how do you do business with all of these European companies? What is that makes you successful at what you do?" But they have no interest at all in finding out.
So finally on Boxing Day, I got some generic Christmas greeting from my big sister (the one who told me not to go to the desert), but still radio silence from my other sister (the one who thought I was a lonely freak in primary school). This just leaves me thinking, there are three possibilities to explain her behaviour: the first is that she is doing an Alanna, she doesn't know how to react so she does nothing and hides away - which is pretty easy to do online. The second is that she is just plain mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me. The third of course, is that both my sisters have been working non-stop throughout the Christmas period and are still putting in 80 to 90 hours a day at work - I know that is certainly the case for my eldest sister as she has a big deadline in January. But it is a moot point what the reason(s) might be, I get the message. But allow me to finish by addressing one point that Choaniki has suggested: he contemplated if they really just can't be bothered about Christmas as a Buddhist Chinese family in Singapore. I have to point out that actually, my sisters and mother are Christian and go to church, even my nephew goes to church so they do celebrate Christmas. I have even spent time at that very same church as a teenager in Singapore and I do know that church always makes it a point that Christmas is all about family and I think my own family have decided to ignore that part of the message even if they do hear it at their church all the time. And believe you me, I am sure they will ignore me once again when it is Chinese New Year. Perhaps this is for the best, after all - this decision to cut my family off was something quite spontaneous that happened in January. I was having a really difficult time in January and felt I really couldn't face talking to my family: I didn't want to discuss my complex problems and challenges with them as they are too stupid to even begin to understand (and for the record, I really don't want or need their help - remember how awful they are when it comes to giving unsolicited advice like the trip to the desert) but I couldn't just fake a smile and claim, "I'm fine, I'm doing well." So just for that week, I said no, I really am not in the mood to talk - I'm sorry but I'm not able to do it this week. I didn't really give them a reason - telling them the truth just wasn't going to change anything, so I didn't tell them anything.
Then in spring this year, I had reason to celebrate. I had left my previous job at the Peruvian company because the boss there had made an unreasonable demand by asking me to do something that was not in my job description and I thought - well that's it, I don't need this job, you just can't move the goalposts halfway through the game just because you feel like it. I'm walking out and I'm starting my own company. The moment I did that, I got my first contract within days and my very bold move paid off. It is a hugely risky step to take in the world of business, to give up a stable job as an employee and to start one's own company like that, but I felt the time was right, I had the balls to do what was necessary and certainly, my friends in the industry who knew me well encouraged me to do so. Oh this is the kind of thing that my sisters would never do in a million years as they are too Singaporean to even contemplate something like that. I really didn't want to tell my family that story - after all, they have absolutely no idea what it is like in the world of business and how difficult what I did was. They would just stare into space blankly like idiots as if I had been speaking to them in Polish and didn't understand a word - I'm just sparing myself the disappointment of their very predictable reaction. This has happened before in the past and whilst I remind myself, your parents are totally uneducated working class idiots - you know this was going to happen, I really didn't like it each time it happened. So we're left with a situation whereby I can't tell them anything bad that has happened, I can't tell them anything good that has happened - am I therefore left with only the option to say virtually nothing and tell them nothing at all? If that is the case then what is the point of even trying to have a conversation, if I can't say anything at all? Some say that the best way ahead may be just to say absolutely nothing and talk about them, but that seems rather odd to me as it makes it sound as if I have something to hide - when really, I am proud to share with the world my success story this year and what I have achieved, yet somehow because of the bizarre circumstances with my family, I can't talk about it with them? No, sorry but it is all just too messed up. The last thing I want is to vent my frustration about their stupidity at them, so I guess this truce is a good thing. No contract means no arguments and that is in a way, a pretty good outcome: there is peace. I've no desire to antagonize them in any way.
I can just imagine my mother at church on Christmas though, a standard way to start a conversation with someone you don't know well is to ask them about their family. So someone would ask my mother, how is your family or how is your children? My mother would probably say they are fine and if that person asks where they are, what they are doing, my mother would probably lie that I am very busy with work and thus cannot visit at Christmas. That's not true of course, I actually had plenty of time in 2023 and could have easily visited my family in Singapore but I chose not to given that I simply didn't think that I would enjoy that experience. Mind you, I do have good friends in Singapore I'd love to see again if and when I visit Singapore again but I'm afraid I just can't say the same about my family. There's a thought that did cross my mind: should the onus be on me to make amends for no better reason than the fact that I am at least armed with better social skills than them, that I have had far more experiences in my life dealing with complicated conflicts? Am I no better than Alanna in the way I have simply avoided dealing with my family? Or am I doing the right thing by choosing the 'least bad' option with my family? After all, I look at the way my parents treat my sisters like shit and I can't see them reaping any benefits by being ''obedient, filial Asian children'. My sisters treat my parents really well and in return, they get abuse - the only way this can make any sense is if I was the worst possible son in the world, the one who ran away to London and refused to speak to his parents. Then that way, quite justifiably so, I deserve all the abuse in the world. Except of course, I am not there to receive that abuse - so by that token, perhaps this is the best possible option on the table. So that's it from me on this topic, what do you think? Should I have made more of an effort to reach out to my family over Christmas? If I don't speak to them now, when might I ever speak to them again? Do they mind or care if I never speak to them ever again? It's been nearly a year since we last spoke, what if I left it yet another year? At which point, do I except that we're never going to speak again? And it's not like I won't take their calls - why haven't they even tried to reach out to me all this time to initiate contact?! Please do leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.
Hi there, am wondering if there has been any contact with your family (other than your eldest sis) since? There could be many reasons for the radio silence though, be it deliberate or unintentional. Would you prefer to seek clarity with your family or leave it?
ReplyDeleteI guess if I'm in the same situation, it depends how much I care about the issue. Up to a certain point, if my family doesn't reciprocate, I will probably just move on.
@LIFT, thanks for sharing your story. How are you holding up after being snubbed by family on Christmas?
ReplyDeleteIf I remember correctly your younger sis was previously angry that you couldn’t drop all plans to meet her on a last minute trip to London. Could she still be bearing that grudge?
And as for your sisters being Christian yet choosing to ignore the family message, I bring you back to the prosperity gospel and hypocrisy example. I would be very interested to know if they continue to ignore you over New Year and Chinese New Year, because I am currently ignoring my dad and I guess he isn’t really interested in reaching out as well.
Just a quick fyi that I reached out to a psychologist recently and he confirmed that I’m probably suffering from complex PTSD due to the horrible dysfunctional childhood I had (details which you probably knew something about already). He doesn’t recommend I reach out to my dad but work on self-care, which is to get in touch with my emotions. I feel his advice could apply to yourself as well, just avoid contact with the toxic people on your life.
At this point in my life I have no hopes of my dad ever contacting me to apologize for all the abuse and neglect he inflicted on me when I was young. I hope you aren't holding out on your parent reaching out too?
Hi Choaniki - I am disappointed as I got a message from my sister today totally back peddling over what she said that caused grave offence and I just have to accept that they don't have the kind of social skills to have the kind of relationship I want with them; you see if someone at work or at the gym proves that they have such poor social skills, I'd just keep my distance and not talk to them, but what do you do if your siblings have such poor social skills? What happened earlier this year was this: my sister was on a business trip to London and had the option to extend her stay a few days over the weekend to spend time with me. But she demanded to know, "let me know NOW if you can do that as I must book my flights NOW". I had just started a new contract with a new company at that time and I said I had a lot of things up in the air, we are making a lot of plans now and I can't tell you what I will be doing that weekend, please give me some time like a few days to sort out what is going to happen before I can give you a definite answer". She got angry and the next thing I knew, she had booked her flights to come to London already without making that extension to spend time with me and I was like, woah, that's bullshit. Even if I was not free, you could've had a fun weekend in London without me and I felt that was just to spite me. Either that or she was having a bad day and she needed to do something to spite someone to vent her anger. It wasn't a last minute trip to London - the weekend she had in mind was like 4 months down the road, I simply couldn't predict with my work situation if I would be in London on a particular weekend 4 months from now. If you told me now, hey Alex I'll be in London the weekend of 13 - 14 April 2024 let's meet up then. I would not be able to say to you let's make plans, as I might have to travel for work in that period and it's just not something I can plan that far ahead. Whereas if you wanted to know what I was doing this weekend, yeah I can tell you exactly where I will be this weekend and what I'll be doing. I don't think I was being unreasonable with her but she was having a bad day and reacted hastily. I can't imagine her employers would be like "You MUST book your flights today or else."
DeleteLike I said to IA above, I have given up on my parents but I am in two minds whether or not to give up on my sisters at the same time for the same reasons.
I have completedly lost contact with my elder brother for over 30 years and I don't feel particularly sad or anything so I leave it to you to decided if you want to cut all contact with your sisters.
DeleteTalking about London, I'm still trying to book tickets to go there in Dec 2024. But the flight search engine don't let me search so far forward now so I will try in a few weeks time. I should be there for over a week plus so I'm sure we can find the time to meetup one of those days. Akan datang my itinerary.
Do you know why your elder brother hasn't bothered to reach out to you all this time? I know exactly why my eldest sister has held back - she has done an 'Alanna', she is so scared of failing, she is paralyzed by that fear and hence doesn't even make an attempt. Can I berate her for her lack of confidence when I know exactly what created this problem - ie. my parents?
DeleteAs for your trip, it's never cheapest to fly direct, you'll always go via somewhere, eg. you'll fly Lufthansa via Frankfurt, Air France via Paris, Emirates via Dubai, Turkish Airlines via Istanbul, KLM via Amsterdam etc - I suggest making this trip more than just London so you can have some time in another city as well. Or you can even do an open jaw ticket, ie. say you go with Emirates, you can fly out SGP - DXB - LHR, then you go overland to Paris with the Eurostar, you fly back from Paris to DXB then SGP. Then you'll get to see Paris and Dubai on this trip.
My elder brother left home while he was in Sec4 and has maintained radio silence since. He did leave a very long ranting letter saying he saw how poor his family was and suspected it was a test from God. So he vowed to never live such a miserable life when he grew up. Also he credited his grades and successes all to his God given gifts. I suspect he is very successful now and wants to distance himself from his very humble working class roots. But that is just an educated guess.
DeleteI find all that reference to god and religion rather disturbing. I get the fact that like me, he came from a poor working class family but somehow managed to ace his exams and did well at school. The way I see it, this is just one of those things that is totally random in life, like how this person may be talented in gymnastics, a different person is talented at learning languages, another person is particularly good looking etc - there's really very little parents can do to give their children such gifts, you just have to be lucky and your brother is lucky the same way I am very lucky to get some gifts like that. In Chinese we make a distinction between xiantian (the stuff you're born with, like being extremely tall so you can play basketball well) and houtian (the stuff you are not born with, but you obtain later in life through your efforts, such as when I learn all these languages). Your brother's success is probably a combination of both xiantian and houtian factors, the former is pure luck, the latter he can take credit for - thus I don't see where this whole god/religious stuff comes into play for him.
DeleteOh and I can see why he doesn't wanna speak to your father, but I think your relationship with him is a different matter? I think you're a nice person (we wouldn't be friends otherwise), so it puzzles me why he wouldn't want to at least reach out to you. I don't wanna pretend that the two of you would become the best of friends if he did, but at least meeting up for a coffee once in a while might be interesting and beneficial for both parties.
DeleteI don't understand him at all. As for the God stuff, my dad was so furious upon reading that letter he had it laminated and paraded from time to time to show how ungrateful a son he had. He was saying he raised my brother from young and sacrificed so much since his mother left him, yet all he could thank was God. I mean he was technically correct and i had no argument to rebut it. Whereas my elder brother had all the attention and always brand new stuff, I was always given his hand-me-downs. The Mandarin adage 身在福中不知福 is applicable here. He got all the academic opportunities and even a military scholarship, in fact he was the very first person from his primary school to enter The Chinese High and subsequently Raffles Junior College (now known as simply Raffles Institution). I dare say in terms of academic ability he would be way above you and the only reason he wasn't offered multiple overseas scholarships was because he wasn't good in sports, at all. I had managed to obtain a gold IPPT award during BMT so I guess that is one area I had him beat. In fact my results in BMT were so good that I risked ending up in command school so I had to deliberately ask my peers to give me a horrible peer review and I intentionally dropped out of the situation test. My brother did none of that and he ended up in OCS and subsequently signed on as he wanted to be a fighter pilot, which he failed during the selection stage (he physical imbalance coming back to bite him maybe). I supose you followed a similar path as me in NS, laying low and not standing out since you didn't end up in OCS.
DeleteAs for your question why he doesn't want to reach out to me, I don't know I suppose I am not useful to him since I never ended up in the top schools and never attended university. I am also not someone working in a high position at a goverment ministry (unlike your second sister). My brother ended up working for many GLCs since he left the military since he couldn't cut it in the private sector finance industry. It could be an ego thing, like i never reached out and he was so successful (in his mind) that he never saw the need to reach out to anyone from his family. Also Chinese confucious culture dictates that the elder is granted automatic respect and he probably thinks I should be the one reaching out first so that it doesn't belittle his status. Just a final story to share, I was once walking around the premises of NUS and I managed to encounter my elder brother as he was studying there at that time. I saw him and I think he also saw me. But we walked past each other like strangers and that was the last time I ever saw him in real life.
Aaaah so much to unpack here. I guess this whole mention of God and giving thanks to God etc instead of thanking your father was meant to be an insult and clearly, it achieved its intended effect. I don't know if your father ever tried to claim credit for your older brother's academic success but that may have caused a lot of angst for your brother. In terms of his academic ability, I think most Singaporeans would then start taking out their PSLE, O levels and A level results and start comparing scores but my reaction to that is - there is a poor correlation between academic ability and the ability to make money in the business world for a simple reason: social skills was never a subject in school and thus the most important factor when it came to making money was never a part of our academic results. So he can show off his great results all he wants, I don't believe that it is what truly matters in the real world. What can you do with your straight As, frame up the results certificate and masturbate to it whilst admiring it? Honestly, unless it can help you achieve something like get into a top university or get a great scholarship or even impress an employer to get your dream job, then it's not worth much - and even say you do get a great job because of your great academic results, you still need the skills to perform that job really well and there's little correlation between what we studied at school and what we need to do to perform in the big bad working world. Let's just take a small case study of the friends I got to know at VJC, there is actually a pretty wide range of achievements today at the age of 47 - some are ridiculously rich and successful, whilst there are some who are struggling to make ends meet. Their academic success early on in life as students didn't seem to play a big factor in determining how well they do later on in life - I even have a brilliant case study of a woman who was a straight A student, got a scholarship to an Ivy League university, then crumbled in the work place because surprise surprise, she lacked social skills to thrive in the working world. She took the easy road out, she married a man, gave him babies and became a full time mother/housewife but I actually know just how much she struggled trying to stay in any one job for more than a year before she was fired. On paper she was brilliant, oh any employer would be like yeah this woman is clearly super intelligent but it said nothing about her lack of social skills. I don't think these people offering scholarships are looking for people who are great at sports per se, they're just looking for someone to prove themselves outside the exam system - so I happened to use sports to show how versatile I am at learning and proving myself, performing under pressure but you could use so many other ways, for example, by showing how you have held down a part time job as a student and thrived in that environment; ie. 'I am two steps ahead of my peers, whilst they're studying for their exams, I am also coming up with new business strategies for my employer like an adult, I am not a kid anymore'.
DeleteI understand what you say about how the Chinese culture dictates that the elder is granted automatic respect and that's probably why my father will only talk to me again if I offer a grovelling apology - he doesn't understand that I have a) rejected that cultural notion and b) part of the reason why I have done so is that he has done very little to impart his culture, values and morals to me in an effective way when I was a child. He adopts this Chinese system in its original form because he doesn't speak English and has no way to access a different culture, but he is wrong to assume that this would be the case for his children when we were brought up in Singapore speaking English at school instead; but when the problem is too big to solve or tackle, he simply ignores it. I remember how I had this big argument with my parents once and they came up with the line of "this was not how we raised you, this is not what we taught you" and I came right back at them and told them that if they were better parents, they would have done a much better job at raising me so I would be on the same page as them and agree with them - but I thought they were terrible role models and stopped listening to them a long time ago since I was a child. If parents want their children to listen to them, they have to earn their respect rather than assume that this is something that happens automatically. Growing up, I had so many sources of influence from my teachers, to the people around me, to the media I consumed - it was all pre-internet but that was enough for me to realize that I wasn't reliant only on my parents to learn about the world. Any decent parent would have realized that, but you know what my parents are like.
DeleteI would think that is how my dad would feel about his children too. Neither my elder brother nor me would listen to him or show him any respect because he was always absent and not a good parent at all. But he actually told me point blank that he thinks he was a great parent and did a good job bringing both of us up since we can function as independant adults. I wanted to tell him that both us left home because we couldn't stand him and managed to survive not because, but despite how horrible he was as a parent. And as I mentioned, I had consulted a clinical psychologist who told me that I was an overcontrolled person with regards to my emotions and that is why I had difficulty forming relationship. So a horrible childhood and equally lousy parents did all this damage to my mental health that could take years of self-care or therapy to undo.
DeleteI suspect your sister's displeasure wouldn't have much effect on you parents' bad behavior. E.g. both my elder brother and myself disapprove of my father yet he has never once admitted fault or attempted to change. It is probably the same Chinese culture at play here, all elders deserve respect and can do no wrong.
DeleteI am currently still trying to figure out where I know this guy from - I received a long Christmas greetings message from a guy named David A, but I honestly can't find him amongst my contacts, my Facebook friends, my Linkedin friends etc. Like even if people I barely know are reaching out to me at Christmas time, you can see why I feel snubbed by my family when they are not forthcoming.
ReplyDeleteI suggest you reach out again on New Year's and then in February for CNY. Your 2 sisters may feel they are walking on eggshells around you. It's not a blame thing. It may be just how they feel.
ReplyDelete@LIFT, let me refer you to this video by the clinical psychologist:
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnMvAZJr2NU
I wouldn't hold my breathe on your sister admitted fault and apologising. Either you accept that and continue to engage with her or you just go back to radio silence.
I know your family is messed up, especially when it comes to communication. Just do your bit. Distance yourself because you need to protect your well-being. Keep the relationship but have zero expectations. Even if generic greetings are all you can muster now, so be it. Your sisters love you, but there are communication issues. Thankfully, being on a different continent gives you time and space to keep sane. Family relationships are often complicated. You do your part. If they still want to keep their distance after CNY, you know where you stand.
DeleteThanks Di, I can just imagine them being frustrated, like nothing they say is right and they somehow just say stupid shit that cause offence all the time. Here's the thing about autistic people - they assume that their point of view of the world is universal and they totally fail to recognize the fact that other people may have a different perspective. For example, if I suck at maths and I'm very autistic, I would assume that maths is difficult for everyone - but I am intelligent, sensible and humble enough to realize that whilst I suck at maths, there are a lot of people who excel at it because they're smarter than me when it comes to maths. It's like once when we were talking about the case of Otto Warmbier the American student/tourist who broke the law in North Korea in 2016 and was tortured to near death in a North Korean prison before being released in 2017 to the Americans, he was flown home but never regained consciousness and died shortly after he got back to America. My sister and mother said something to the effect was, "it is impossible to know what the rules are in North Korea" and I got angry - I pointed out that the North Koreans make every effort to explain to all tourists what the rules are and tourists are warned to abide by all rules without exception. Even people like me who have never been to North Korea would have a very clear idea what is expected of tourists, ie. "do as you're told, don't break the laws, don't risk it, don't even try to take something from the hotel". Otto Warmbier's crime was stealing a propaganda poster from the hotel he was staying at. Even I know that's a strict no-no in North Korea - but my point is just because my mother and sister don't know what the rules and laws are like in North Korea, they assumed that EVERYBODY is as ignorant as them and NOBODY can have access to that information. This is a very frustrating aspect of dealing with them - for example, they once tried to explain to me where Balestier Road is in Singapore and I had to cut them short and say, I know exactly where that road is. Do you need directions to get there? But just because they don't remember where it is, they assumed that I must (like them) be clueless as to where it is and it's just assumptions like that which frustrate the hell out of me. I don't know how to scream it any louder or more clearly, I'M NOT STUPID LIKE YOU, I'M NOT IGNORANT LIKE YOU, I DON'T MIND IF YOU'RE IGNORANT AND FUCKING STUPID BUT PLEASE DON'T ASSUME THAT I AM AS STUPID AND IGNORANT LIKE YOU. I can't get past that. You might say, don't take it personal, they're not assuming that you're stupid and ignorant like them per se, they're just totally incapable of processing the idea that anyone else might have a different point of view or might be able to find their way to Balestier road with ease.
Delete@Di, I feel like I understand where LIFT is coming from. With family like these who needs enemies right? I cut all contact with my father since Apr this year. And way before that there was one period of time I went more than a couple of years (especially during COVID) where I never spoke or messaged him. But the final straw was in Apr when he verbally abused me by calling all my decisions and me stupid. I was almost at rock bottom career and relationship wise and he chose to kick me when I was down just to demonstrate his superiority. It is no wonder his children ran away from home when they were young, he is just an insufferable prick and I doubt it would ever change. I then turned to LIFT for advice and he was 100x more helpful than my father. In fact I always get into huge heated debates whenever I speak to him on the phone, so I just ignored him when he was trying to call me 1 month back. I fully support @LIFT if he maintains radio silence with his sisters since every engagement just results in anger and frustration on his end. And the other parties are never going to change, ref the YouTube I posted above.
DeleteI understand your frustration. Everyone must be frustrated with themselves and each other. Well, your parents are probably too obtuse to be aware, but your sisters must be frustrated. That's why it's time for distance. Keep your distance until CNY. It's best for everyone right now.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your support Di - I think there's an element of accepting the things that we cannot change. I've done a lot of that over the years such as my hair loss for example, given how I had gone from having normal hair to being totally botak by my late 30s. I suppose there was always a sense of "I can fix this, I can turn this around" - let me give you a better example of something that happened years ago. I interviewed for what I thought was my dream job in my 20s; I didn't get it but I felt okay I will learn from this experience and find an even better job. I am good at taking responsibility for my mistakes and promising myself to do better in the future. But when it comes to relationships with my family, it takes 2 hands to clap and it's so hard to make any progress when the other party is walking on eggshells, too nervous to even say anything as they fear making more mistakes and hence I feel like, I want things to improve but I can't do this alone. That's why I focus on the things within my control that I feel that I can take control of and make improvements, for example, the reason why I speak so many languages is because that's one thing I have full control over - I can study and master a language if I work hard enough, it doesn't depend on another person, it's all me me me. Once again, thank you so much for your kind support and happy new year.
DeleteHey Alex. I notice this a lot in Asian families where the concept of "respect" isn't as appreciated as in the West. My own brother and sister have the same issue. To them, "respect" is something they give to people in positions of power because they have to, for example a parent, a teacher, a principal, a professor, or a boss. Smiling, pausing to explain things better, trying to phrase in order not to offend, etc. It's considered a means to an end, e.g money, and not a good in and of itself. It's not something they give to someone of equal rank or lower because they want to rather than are forced to. On the other hand, in the West you're supposed to provide respect to everyone, especially your closest relatives, or else you will be shunned as rude and kicked out of the community. Both my brother and sister's excuses are either "I'm just saying what I think, you want me to lie to you?" or "why does it matter how I say something?", or my least favorite "I'm only fake around people at work because I have to, I shouldn't have to do that for you. Just give me this one pleasure." You can be honest with people, but it's how you say it that shows you respect them compared to hurting them unintentionally and not giving a shit. But Asians don't seem to understand that, instead they think "why are you making me think hard around my own family? I do this all day at work, I hate it, and it's tiring. I just wanna get home and relax."
ReplyDeleteMy theories as to why - maybe it's because respect is not usually mutual in Asian society in the boss/employee relationship, the teacher/student relationship, or even the parent/child relationship. In the West you can get a teacher fired for humiliating you in public or saying something mean. So it's not just the student who has to respect the teacher, but the teacher who also has to respect the student. That is less likely in Asia but is changing. But if someone gives you mutual respect in exchange for giving them respect, then you're more positively motivated to dole it out. In Asia we punish people for not respecting elders, but do not reward them with mutual respect for doing the opposite. It's just taken for granted but not treated as a nice thing to do, more like a chore really.
Hi Amanda, I suppose a source of frustration is that in the West, respect can be earned through accomplishments. It's like when I walk into the gym and I can spend 30 seconds observing a gymnast performing a difficult routine, immediately I can say, okay respect, she is awesome and I can see how difficult that combination she just performed was. But as you said in Asian society, that respect is more associated with seniority and within my family, I am the youngest of 3 siblings so I am so low down the pecking order despite the fact that I have achieved more than my other family members all put together. But no, they don't expect me to use that to gain respect as that doesn't work within their Asian system and it is this clash of cultures that has caused me much frustration.
DeleteYeah that Asian culture of respecting elders is why I hated the work culture in Singapore and only could work for people who were either foreigners or Singaporeans who lived and worked in the West. The idea that you can gain respect simply by being old, and not a nice person or particularly accomplished is total bullshit. Especially when those older people think they can treat the people below them like shit. I know people talk of ageism in the West, but the Asian system isn't much better.
DeleteOh I had a taste of that in the army because one gives blind respect to those of superior rank without considering if this person is good at their job or not.
Delete@Amanda, Asian culture is very hierachical. The unfortunate thing is that parents and the elderly are shown respect due to their age, not whether they deserve it or not. Which is BS in my opinion since growing old is not exactly an achievement.
Delete