Like me, my nephew is autistic and has Asperger syndrome. Over the years my family made a genuine effort to get him diagnosed when he was young so as he may get the therapy and treatment he needed - in short, this meant that his social skills are very poor, but there's actually nothing wrong with him physically. He's actually quite strong and a really good runner; on top of that, he has just performed well enough in his A levels to gain a place in the course of his choice at NUS. Thus this is why he is feeling down about the situation: one moment he is a good student at a rather respectable JC, the next moment he is being treated like he is a complete retard incapable of anything, not to be trusted near firearms or anything of importance. I need to point out though that almost everyone goes through that same problem adjusting to this transition - like my nephew, I went from being a good student at a top JC to being a soldier where I had to take orders, so I empathize with how difficult that transition can be. My nephew has told his mother that he wants to get upgraded to he can have the thrill of firing a gun - of all the recruits in his batch of PES E intakes, only one guy was deemed 'normal' enough to be allowed to handle any firearms whilst the rest of them were 'excused' and that made my nephew feel like, "why am I treated with such contempt? Why don't you trust me with firearms?" That's the key reason why he feels like his autism isn't such an impediment to warrant his PES E grading; he is comparing himself with some of those PES E guys, he feels like he isn't that disabled compared to them. So even if that is true, should he get upgraded?
I know the reason why my nephew wants to upgrade though: he is seeking approval. That's a rather childish, child-like instinct - I associate that with how a teacher would ask a question in a primary school classroom full of young kids during a lesson. I remember this science lesson when the teacher did an experiment in the classroom: she brought in a big coconut and a small rock, the big coconut was clearly heavier than the small rock. She then placed the coconut in a big bucket of water and it floated but when she placed the rock into the same bucket of water, it sank instantly to the bottom. "So class, can anyone tell me why the heavier coconut floated but the lighter rock sank in the water?" Oh that was when every child in the class raised their hands, desperate to try to offer the right answer - some didn't even wait for the teacher to come to them and were already shouting out their answers. Whereas if I were to attend a course as an adult, I might not be that desperate to raise my hand like that in a similar situation - of course I would want to know the right answer but even if I did know the right answer, I wouldn't react in such a desperate manner. There would be this quiet satisfaction that I know the answer and I wouldn't need anything more than that quiet satisfaction. I got a Whatsapp message the other day in Spanish and I resisted the urge to use Google translate despite the fact that it was a long message - I persisted, read the whole message and found that I could understand exactly what the message said. I had that moment of 'quiet satisfaction' that my Spanish was good enough; indeed, I've come a long way with my social skills.
Note that in that instance, I didn't feel the need to run around telling the nearest person, "I managed to read a really long and complex message in Spanish without using Google Translate!" I did have my moment of 'quiet satisfaction' where I gave myself that pat on the back I deserved, but I didn't feel the need to seek that pat on the back from anyone else. That's what a confident adult does and unfortunately for my nephew, he isn't quite there yet. He is the kind of person who would always seek the approval of those around him - typically his parents. Look, his parents are trying their very best to be supportive and I think they're doing a good job in fostering a good relationship with my nephew, but really I'd like to see my nephew start giving himself that 'quiet satisfaction' instead of relying on someone else giving him that approval. My nephew is currently serving NS and whilst he is a soldier, he is seeking approval of those in charge of him and they're hardly going to react the same way as his parents. The difference of course is that his parents love him dearly and care about him, whilst the people in charge of him at the moment can barely remember his name, never mind give a damn about what he does. Thus if he is given a simple administrative task like, "arrange these personnel files in alphabetical order and check that they all contain the new version of this form. If they are missing the form, then put those files aside here for me to deal with them." My nephew would probably think, "right, how can I do this task so well that the officer will praise me for being such a good boy soldier?" He probably feels like the tasks he has been given so far have been so easy that it has been hard to impress, that's why he wants that PES status upgrade to be able to do more difficult stuff.
But this is why I think he's completely barking up the wrong tree. Approval can really only be given by someone with a vested interest: if we were to go back to that science experiment in my primary school, my science teacher had a job to do, thus it was in her interest that her experience communicated certain concepts and she must have taken some trouble to procure such a big coconut to bring to the class. Can you imagine if the entire class simply stared back at her blankly after she conducted that experiment, completely unresponsive and disinterested, unwilling to even try to offer an answer to her question at the end of the experiment? That was she was delighted when the class responded with enthusiasm, she must have been thinking, "yes I'm a brilliant science teacher, look at how intrigued and excited they all are by my experiment!" To her credit she was a good science teacher, I think most lazier teachers would have simply asked that question without bothering to bring that coconut and bucket into the classroom! Thus with an enthusiastic teacher like that, it was very easy to try to win her approval. But are we likely to encounter officers with a similar attitude in the army? Hell no. Firstly, the tasks that most conscripts are asked to do are simple, mundane and boring: they simply haven't been in the army long enough to be trusted with anything complex, difficult or challenging; so most soldiers accept that as a sad reality they have to face everyday, the officers realize that the soldiers are indeed being asked to do something that the soldiers are terribly overqualified for but in light of the fact that they have no desire to have a career in the army, they will then be given the simplest, most boring tasks. That's not necessarily a bad thing, if you can put up with the boredom.
Thus this is a double-edged sword: I'm sure my nephew's officers would be grateful at some level that my nephew is eager to perform his duties to the best of his abilities but on the other hand, I can just imagine them rolling their eyes and thinking, "you have just completed a very mundane and easy task, what do you expect for that? A medal for having done that? Does your mother give you a gold medal every time you brush your teeth without choking on your toothbrush?" I think my nephew does realize that and his reaction to this solution is this: if I get upgraded to PES C or even PES B, then I will be given more difficult tasks, more responsibilities in a more challenging vocation, then when I can complete those tasks to a high standard, the officers will praise me like a good boy soldier." There are some major flaws in that logic I'm afraid. Firstly, even if he does get upgraded to PES B, there's no guarantee that he would be assigned a task that he will find challenging, rewarding or fruitful - there is a real possibility that he would be placed in a vocation like infantry which is physically challenging but make no mistake, there will not be a kind officer waiting to pat him on the back and offer my nephew praise even after he completes the most physically demanding tasks. In the army, you get punished if you fail to complete the tasks you're given but you're rarely ever praised when you do complete them, even to an extremely high standard in record time. So if you're looking for approval or a pat on the back, the army is really not the right place for it.
Allow me to give you an example from my time in the army: we all had to perform guard duty in the army and there was a duty roster. However, there was one Friday when I was informed that one of my fellow soldiers had fallen very ill and I had been selected to take his place for guard duty that weekend. Despite the fact that I had already made plans with my friends that weekend, I knew I had no choice but to cancel those plans and do the guard duty instead. Such was life in the army, I performed the thankless task and at the end of it, there was no "thank you for your sacrifice, well done for stepping up!" Nope, nobody even acknowledged the sacrifice on my part, even the guy who had fallen ill and couldn't do the guard duty that weekend just took it for granted that he wasn't obliged to perform guard duty when he had been ill so he didn't even thank me. I knew that if I had kicked up a big fuss it would be pointless as nobody gave a shit about how I felt about what I had to do. Such is the nature of conscription: you had to do as you're told because you don't have a choice in the matter so even if you do the task well, then nobody is going to even thank you for doing what you had to do in the first place. So let's contrast this with another incident in the army: there was a new guy in my unit, let's call him Shao. He had been given a task to do and was told, "this needs to be done today, you cannot leave until it is completed." So at 5 pm, I checked in with him and it looks like he had about four hours of work left to do. If he did it all alone, he would leave at 9 pm but if I offered to help him out, then we could both leave at 7 pm. Thus I decided to be nice and helped him out, even though I wasn't obliged to and Shao was very thankful as he wasn't expecting anyone to help him.
I have also encountered other nice and kind people in the army who had also gone out of their way to be helpful to me despite not being obliged to help and that was why I decided to share the good karma by being helpful to Shao. Most people would have looked at Shao's situation and simply shrugged their shoulders and said, "bad luck Shao, I really have to run now! Sorry, I can't stay to help you." It is possible of course to get positive feedback in instances like that when I went out of my way to help Shao, he certainly didn't take it for granted especially since I barely knew him at that point and we did become good friends after that day. But here's the thing: Shao and I were of the same rank at that point and I valued his friendship, his rank didn't really come into the equation when I decided to help him out that day. I know my nephew is more interested in getting the approval of those in positions of authority rather than from his peers and there's a good reason why. When my nephew was a student in school, his autism (and consequently his poor social skills) made him a target for the school bullies but fortunately, he had some great teachers, I'm not saying all of them were good (in fact he had some really terrible ones) but those experiences taught him that teachers could generally be relied on to treat him in a decent way and wouldn't judge him for his poor social skills as long as he did as he was told, such as by completing assignments on time and getting all the answers right in the tests. He became conditioned to be so obedient and respect authority but wasn't all that interested in getting along with his peers, that's still his attitude now.
So if you placed him in that situation with Shao, I don't think my nephew would offer to help Shao - he would gladly do it if his commanding officer ordered him to help Shao, but then he would do it to try to impress and please that commanding officer rather than consider the fact that poor Shao has been given a very huge workload and would be very grateful to receive some help. My nephew has been placed in an organization with a clear hierarchy and he is responding to it by trying to please those in authority, this was exactly what he did as a student in school but the difference is that the teachers tend to like the students who excelled in their studies. By that token, my nephew was a good student who knew how to ace his exams and win the approval of his teachers. You might be thinking, if he is that desperate to be the best soldier he can be, then why not let him do just that - there have been other men who have rose through the ranks before and have performed very well as soldiers. I don't think that's really possible in the case of my nephew given his current PES status as he was given that PES E rating after a medical officer had evaluated his case. He would effectively be telling the medical board, "one or more of your doctors made a mistake when they looked at my case, I want a second opinion." That usually doesn't go down well with the SAF when you tell them point blank, "you made a mistake". And even if you do make that request, there's no guarantee you're going to get them to give you what you want. Even if they do agree to upgrade my nephew, he may just go from one boring vocation to another crap one, which is a lot more physically demanding so he gets to suffer a lot more. Frankly, I don't think my nephew has properly considered that risk.
Frankly, the best way to really excel in the army is to be a leader amongst men by becoming an officer but that is not easy. Even amongst my cohort of guys who were physically fit (PES A/B) and had good A level results, only a small percentage of them were selected to attend OCS (officer cadet school) and not all of them who went to OCS graduated to become officers. Thus for my nephew to convince the SAF to upgrade him to PES B then select him for OCS to become an officer where he can excel at every task they throw at him and promote him through the ranks - no, that boat has sailed I'm afraid, it's not going to happen. It is so competitive to get into OCS and even if my nephew is physically strong and has good A level results, the issue of his PES status is going to prevent him from being selected for OCS admission. Don't forget, the SAF isn't there as some kind teacher trying to give my nephew the best possible opportunities to nurture him; it is merely looking to select the best candidates available for OCS and yeah, it must suck for my nephew to see some of his former classmates make it to OCS and thrive there whilst he's stuck at the bottom of the food chain, but there's nothing he can do to change that situation. I found myself in a very similar situation when I was in the army but thankfully, I had other interests to seek fulfillment and make the most of my time there - I was still training gymnastics (and representing the country) during my NS and I was also studying French as well. So whilst my work in the army was uneventful, boring and unrewarding, those two years four months were not a waste of time because of the way I had invested my time, energy and passions into gymnastics and French. I was the flag bearer at the 1996 Pacific Alliance Championships where I made two event finals and yes, that was a pretty awesome experience.
Allow me to address one specific point he made: he wanted to upgrade to at least PES C so he could have a chance to handle firearms - most Singapore soldiers have to learn how to use a M16 rifle, but my nephew is exempt because of his PES status. I think he wants to do it for two reasons: firstly, he is bald with his current duties and probably imagines that firing a rifle is some kind of extreme computer game that is super fun. Secondly, he plays a lot of computer games anyway so he is hoping that if he is quite good at shooting, he would get that approval, that pat on the back he is so desperate for. And now, let me explain why he would be wrong on both counts: the novelty of using a rifle would wear thin very quickly, in about 20 minutes. It is hardly a fun atmosphere when you go to the rifle range, every single bullet has to be accounted for and there is so much admin that has to be done when you sign out for the bullets you're assigned for the day. The capacity of the rifle range is limited and that means waiting for ages for your turn - I remember how many of us mastered the art of falling asleep whilst sitting bolt upright, carefully embracing our rifles. Even if you made a silly mistake and missed the target because of a lapse of concentration, you can't say, "can I try again please?" Nope, you've had your go, that's it. You don't get a second chance. Imagine how my nephew would feel about his computer games if I invited ten of his friends around and he had to wait two hours for his turn at his favourite computer game, then tell him "you've had your go, it's my turn now" after just ten minutes. I spent far more time learning to take my rifle apart and clean every single component inside to stop it from rusting in the humid, tropical weather in Singapore. No, it wasn't fun.
As for whether or not he could use this as a means to gain the approval of his officers, again the answer is no for the following reasons: shooting is a sport in the Olympics and those who participate at that level put in many hours of practice to become excellent marksmen. Even if my nephew is looking to impress his officers to select him to train as a sniper, there is a major problem. Top marksmen not only receive the very best coaching, they also get many hours of practice - my nephew isn't going to be given either in the army. Any instruction he would receive is very limited at best and it is mostly focused on gun safety. He will also be given very few bullets to use and it would be unreasonable to expect anyone to deliver great results under those circumstances, even if they have some natural ability. It's like taking someone to a ski resort for the very first time and expecting them to go down an Olympic slalom course after just a few hours of instructions. That's why the requirements for most soldiers when it comes to the rifle are quite low and you would have to be seriously uncoordinated (and unlucky) to fail. Thus it is hard to impress your officers when the past mark for the marksmanship test is actually quite low and even if you do somehow manage to get a really high score, running up to your commanding officer and expecting some kind of reward or praise would be a very bad idea within the context of the army. Such a gesture would instantly make you a social pariah. In any case, my nephew is quite short sighted and is reliant on his thick glasses - that's yet another reason why he is never going to be selected to be a sniper even if he does have some natural ability, his rather poor eyesight would make it quite hard for him to really excel at this.
I hate to accuse my nephew of being lazy when I know he's been an extremely hardworking student but here's the situation: he has to serve NS whether he likes it or not but he does want the experience to be rewarding, fulfilling and interesting - so far, it has been none of the above. But you can't compare NS to the kind of experiences my nephew has had in school so far. I remember this incident from a holiday in Greece many years ago: I was staying at a holiday resort on the island of Crete and there was supposed to have been some outdoor entertainment that evening. However, as it started raining very heavily, the resort organizers canceled the entertainment because of the weather. One irate British woman was very unhappy and arguing with the resort manager, "we paid very good money to be entertained tonight at your resort, I know it is raining out there but you can now either get your performers to put on a show indoors for us tonight or you must give us some money back because of the lack of entertainment tonight." Well my nephew simply cannot react the same way as this British woman if the NS experience hasn't lived up to his expectations at all! The onus is therefore on him to find something else to do with his free time to make the next two years a very fulfilling and rewarding time for him; if he has unrealistic expectations of what is feels like to do NS, then he is the one who needs to reevaluate the situation rather than expect the situation to change to suit his whims. I know it is not easy to embark on a personal project in what little free time he has once he has served his duties, but that's exactly what so many Singaporean men have done over the years in order to make sure they make the most of their time during their NS stint.
I did tell my sister that I would take my nephew to the National Shooting Center - the only shooting range in Singapore open to civilians. I would hope to achieve two things with this visit: firstly, I want to prove to him that he isn't going to pick up a rifle and somehow instantly become a sniper, he would then realize the amount of skill involved in using a rifle and that he's not that good at it (not without a lot of practice anyway). If he simply wants to get it out of his system to fire a gun to feel like a man, then fine that's money well spent. I reckon after just half an hour at the rifle range he would realize, actually my computer games are a lot more fun. But sigh, my sister has a tricky balancing act: she is trying to be as supportive as she can without treating him like a young child who cannot be trusted to make any major decisions. Yet at the same time, he is clearly not being logical in this case, so how can she be supportive without being too critical as a parent? So what do you think? What should my sister do in this case? Do you think she ought to put her foot down or should she allow my nephew to make his own mistakes - after all, if you don't allow him to even make a mistake, how is he ever going to learn to practice any kind of judgment when it comes making complex decisions? At what point do you say, we have to stand back and treat him like an adult - that's his decision to make, not ours? Or perhaps you might say, go ahead and let him upgrade, if he wants a more physically demanding vocation then let him have what he wants; after all, it would be great for him to have radically different experiences in NS and he has the rest of his life to work in an office. Why not let him experience something totally different now (even if it may leave him quite bitterly disappointed)? Would you gladly let my nephew decide what to do next? Please leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.
Hi Alex, I didn't know Sg had a shooting range because you need a gun license just to even buy a paintball gun. But that's not a bad idea to "get it out of his system" the need to handle a firearm. Anyway, my take is that children don't really know how to keep work and pleasure separate because growing up, school was work and pleasure combined. In adulthood, sometimes you have to acknowledge it is simply more efficient to treat work only to make as much money as possible, and then take that money to have as much leisure as possible, instead of demanding that work give you both money and pleasure. I would say let him make the mistake, because it's not like he's signing on to be a regular in the military. Whatever mistake he will make will only be temporary and then he'll go to NUS to enjoy his life, and most likely won't make the same mistake again.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, speaking of money/pleasure balance in work, I'm seriously considering a career in banking after finishing my PhD in engineering. It isn't how I thought my life would turn out when I was 18. When I was 18 I was madly in love with physics/engineering and wanted to be a scientist/inventor who built new technologies, because sci-fi movies and programming made me happy. However, being a PhD student sucks pay-wise. Even if I was inventing new things, it would be years before I could turn it into a patent and a money making company. Also, I applied to many different internships recently just to test the waters on who would hire me, and I found that many engineering companies didn't even appreciate my research because it was too mathematical. The only people who did, surprisingly, were the hedge funds. If I had to do the same amount of math, might as well triple my pay. But at first I was hesitant thinking I was potentially giving up science which was something I worked for for more than a decade. But then I picked up this textbook about quantitative finance, and in the preface the author mentioned he only went into finance because originally he was working at a quantum physics lab in Harvard, and Bill Clinton slashed science funding that year so the lab shut down and all the researchers became unemployed. Some physicists ended up taking jobs at Goldman Sachs and other Wallstreet banks doing options trading as a result. I suppose who wouldn't trade job security over job precarity for the exact same work, options trading is just mathematically modeling prices instead of atoms. In contrast the dream endgame is really unlikely for the average scientist. You don't have to win a Nobel prize, but at least file a patent and start a company which pays decent income.
This kinda reminds me of how you did less acting to go back into banking after a while. Even though your ideal job would be an actor, it doesn't pay the bills as efficiently as being a banker. Actually recently I went to a tech networking meetup and met a guy who said he used to be a drummer in a band which played concerts and live music in bars, but then the pandemic hit and he was suddenly jobless. He picked up coding from a coding bootcamp within the past 2 years, and got his first job offer as a web developer the day before the meetup. He said many people would have killed to play music even if it was unsteady low paying work, and even though he does love music he prefers job security nowadays and is content to just play music as a hobby. Like your nephew wanting to upgrade his PES status is like being a drummer in a small time band or a lowly paid PhD student instead of having an easier time in life even if one's work is less satisfying. It's a choice he'll have to make, because there are still many aspiring musicians and PhD students working for low pay still hoping for their big break, who would never stand having to work a boring office job.
Yes there is a shooting range in Singapore, but they operate under very strict conditions of course - you need to sign in with prove of ID, every single bullet has got to be accounted for and every shooter's activities would be very closely monitored. It can't be compared to like a bowling alley which is a lot more relaxed and I know that in the US, some shooting ranges in places like Texas can be as relaxed as bowling alleys indeed. Shooting is a sport in the Olympics and Singapore has sent female shooters to the Olympics before, so they need somewhere to practice since they're not military personnel. Besides, the kind of training for the Olympics is very different from the way it has been set up for the army, so it's quite a different kind of rifle range in any case. And yeah, civilians like you and I can just pay some money and book a session but show up with photo ID and be prepared to follow the rules there.
DeleteBut I'm actually beginning to see the virtue of letting him make this mistake and giving him the chance to learn his lesson the hard way - if we swoop in and overrule him, then he might walk away with the impression that, "army could have been so much fun if not for my stupid family's intervention." But if we let him make a stupid mistake and say, "okay it's your decision, you know how we feel about the situation but you make your decision and we won't intervene", then if he then does go on to make a bad decision, we'll just be in a "I told you so" situation.
I don't think it's a good comparison Amanda: comparing my nephew's upgrade to playing in a band or being an actor. Your friend is a good musician and I've proven that I can score big roles in the acting world. How my nephew would thrive in a more physically demanding role is a big question mark - remember, army is not simply a test of your physical fitness (no problems for my nephew on that front) but it is very much how you learn to get along with others when you function as a unit (big problems, oh dear, when it comes to social skills for my nephew). For some reason, my nephew is under the impression that such a more physically demanding role in the army would be 'fun' because he would excel at the physical stuff and the officers would be there to pat him on the back and give him gold medals (the same way teachers at school did when he scored well in the exams, he was a good student by that token) - but I think that the social aspect of having to get along with others in that kind of environment would render him miserable, he would struggle to get along with others like that and would be probably bullied relentlessly in such an environment. But like you said, let him make that mistake, let him be miserable, bring on the bullies - he has vastly overestimated his ability, his social skills to cope with that kind of environment.
I don't want to come across too harsh on this issue but my nephew is guilty of imagining that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Remember, he enlisted as a PES E soldier (considered the most unfit, borderline being totally exempt from NS altogether) so he has absolutely no experience what it may be like as a combat fit soldier and right now, he has some kind of fantasy that it would be super fun, that he would have officers high-fiving him, praising him, giving him gold medals for completing physically demanding challenges which he imagines (rightly or wrongly) that he will excel at. Take firing a rifle for example, I've done that but my nephew hasn't. He is under the impression that not only would he enjoy it, he would excel at it and I'm like, nah mate, you can't make that assumption that you'll be good at something before you have even tried it for the first time. He has poor eyesight and the only experience he has that has convinced him that he's gonna be good at it is computer games which require a certain amount of hand-eye coordination, but holding a very heavy rifle is so different from holding a very light console in your hands which you use for computer games. I would say that we have no idea if he would be good at it or not, I simply wouldn't want to make any assumptions at this stage but he seems to have jumped to the conclusion that he would be brilliant at it. On one hand, I think it's nice to see him have some self-confidence but on the other, I'm like, where's the evidence for you to base this assumption on? There isn't any.
DeleteBut you raise a good point about being realistic about work not being fulfilling and having to find your own purpose and meaning in life when you cannot get that from work. It means setting your own goals and giving yourself that pat on your own back when you achieve those goals rather than wait for an adult in your life to tell you, "okay you've achieved that goal, well done." When you're already an adult, you can manage your own life and your own goals.
As for your work situation, don't think that it's a decision you have to make once and there's no way back. You're still young and you need to explore your options, you need to find out what is important to you. More to the point, the learning never stops - you will complete your PhD, you will get a job, you will keep on learning about the industry you enter, there will be stuff you like, stuff you discover that you're really fascinated about and then there'll be other things which you will wanna avoid etc. All that valuable work experience will give you clarity about what you would rather do in your career and there's absolutely nothing wrong with changing your mind say a few years later and deciding to switch to a different industry - you'll encounter a gatekeeper like me who would then ask you a question like, okay you've been working in engineering/IT, why the switch to finance now? And as long as you can give me a good answer focusing on your strength and transferable skills, along with an honest answer about how it wasn't right for you, then that's perfectly fine. Don't feel the need to decide right now what you're going to do for the next few decades with your career, time is on your side and you need that time to accumulate even more work experience that will give you clarity on what you're going to really excel at in the work place. There's also a commercial aspect to that as well - you'll also realize that there's a supply & demand aspect to the way you can command a higher pay if there's a high demand for a certain aspect of your skill set to perform a certain role, compared to something else which you may enjoy a lot but there's very low demand for it. There's really so much you need to figure out in due course after you've had some years of work experience, then you'll have a much clearer idea about how to plan your career path.
DeleteOh yeah that's the thing about making a potential mistake by asking for a more "exciting" job, most likely it will lead to a bigger workload which you may/may not be able to handle. A musician or an actor has to put in a lot more effort to score gigs than a software engineer or a banker. In your nephew's case he has to put in more social effort to get along with other people in order to do more physically demanding jobs. There's an aspect of "pick your battles" when it comes to career. Like do you want to play "easy mode" at the risk of being bored but the advantage of a low possibility of failure, or do you want to play "hard mode" where the work is more satisfying but requires more effort with a higher chance of failure. If someone is talented then there is only a slightly higher chance of failure than playing easy mode, but one has to be sure of their own abilities to know this. It seems you think your nephew isn't super talented social skills wise, for obvious reasons haha. But that's a choice he'll have to make, A) "do I want to take on this new challenge and attempt to upgrade my social skills in the process?" or B) "do I want to stay in my comfort zone and have an easy life?" Lol sure he can't downgrade afterwards if he's unhappy like how people can leave jobs anytime they like, but at least it's temporary.
DeleteWow Sg has very strict gun control. But then again many places ask for IC all the time. Like seriously in America you don't even have to show photo ID to book a hotel room or buy a SIM card, but in SG you do. So its very easy for someone to commit a crime and just go on the run since all they need is a name to buy almost anything. I used to wonder how did undocumented immigrants find work and send their children to public school in America, then I realized the schools don't even ask for a birth certificate or proof of citizenship, unlike SG which only guarantees public school availability to citizens and not PRs or foreigners.
When you mentioned you can still do acting in your spare time (and have done so! Crypto ad! Nice score!), I started to reconsider whether me expecting to find fulfillment at work was worth it. People get taken advantage of in academia for their idealism, not realizing that they contribute a lot to the university and get so little back. I think the same is true in Hollywood or showbiz in general. A lot of young aspiring actors/actresses have to waitress/bartend while auditioning for jobs, and might even get scammed with fake jobs because there is simply too much supply and not enough demand for acting. At least with my type of banking, being a quantitative trader or quantitative analyst or quantitative researcher, I'll still have to be at the top of my game mathematics wise, but I'd get paid 5x more than what I currently make. The Wallstreet quants are no slouches with respect to this, they're just as good as the top mathematicians/statisticians/physicists working in universities at the top schools, and likely even graduated from there. I just think, with a big paycheck(I googled the starting salary for a quant, it's $160k/year at DE Shaw and similar companies), I can buy a house really fast, travel around the world, focus more on gymnastics, focus more on meeting a guy and raising a family, etc. And if I feel the itch to contribute to humanity again and not just be a professional gambler with math, I can take time off and volunteer my math skills for free for some healthcare/tech startup that needs some data analysis. I'm sure anybody would take me if I told them I do math at a Wallstreet firm, especially if I'm offering to do it for free. It's no different than you taking time off to do acting, it's just you won't be paid from your company for it.
DeleteAlso yeah, I would have to answer an interviewer after I graduate about "why do you suddenly want to do options trading instead of science?" I'll prepare for it, I'm reading many books about quantitative finance right now and the math/code is very interesting. I recently had an interview at an electronics company and they asked a similar question "why do you want to do A.I work analyzing electronics when you study robotics?" and I said "it's all just math to me actually, anything that is an interesting problem that can be solved using math is what I wanna work on." But I found the interviewer on LinkedIn and knew he had a masters degree in math beforehand, otherwise I wouldn't say that haha.
Hi Amanda, allow me to explain the nature of social skills in a physically demanding role (eg. infantry soldier) vs an office based position (eg. a clerical role, what my nephew is doing now). Clerical roles are easy as you're usually given tasks to do on your own, it may be something as boring and mundane as data entry but you're pretty much left on your own to complete the job even if you are in an office full of people, they're all just doing their own thing. You may choose to walk over and say, "hey how are you doing? Wanna go have lunch together today?" Or you can choose to effectively ignore them and seek entertainment during your free time on your phone. And most importantly, you're out of the office at 6 pm sharp and you're then free to go home, do your own leisure activities, see your own friends and family whilst being away from the people in camp until 8 am the next morning. However, if you're an infantry soldier, it is very different. You may be out in the field for several days on end, you do not get to go home to see your family at 6 pm, your weekend lasts from 12 noon on Saturday to 10 pm on Sunday night. There's a lot less 'me' time because of the nature of the work as well - you're required to work as a team in such units, so no more "keep my head down and finish my own assignment like a good student", you are forced to speak to the others, communicate with them, work with them and actually, that's when I am torn. On one hand, my nephew did little of that as a student because there's very little project work and you go into the exams as an individual racing against the clock to answer all the questions rather than working as a team. NS will be the first time in his life he would really be forced to be in such a teamwork environment - but that's scary by the same token. I know from experience that guys who do not have good social skills can really struggle in this environment, there are no kind teachers willing to step in and lend you a helping hand. Either you learn quickly to get along with everyone around you or you will become the next victim of extreme bullying. If I may be honest here, I fear it would be the latter. My nephew has very poor social skills, he can't see things from the point of view of others and he will be a bull in a china shop if you put him in a unit and expect him to work with the others - he will offend people without even realizing it and after he has made enemies, he'll wander, "why does he hate me so much? What have I done?" Yeah, even if it doesn't turn out to be the worst case scenario, my nephew will suffer not from the physical hardship, but he will pay a very high price for his poor social skills. And maybe that's a good thing. It sounds very harsh but maybe the army is a good place for him to learn that the world will punish him very harshly and cruelly for his poor social skills and that will give him the motivation to try to change.
DeleteI can't influence the outcome, this is up to his parents and I think they're just going to let him do what he wants as an adult - that may not be a bad thing at the end of the day. He's going to make a terrible mistake, he's going to pay a high price for it but how else is he going to learn? His parents have already made it clear what they think (and they agree with me) but if he won't listen to reason, then letting him make his own mistake is the next logical step - all I am hoping for is that he will eventually learn from his own mistakes after having suffered a lot as a result. As an uncle, of course I don't want to see my nephew suffer the consequences of extreme bullying - but if that's exactly what he is asking for now, ie. "I want to be put in exactly that kind of situation", then what can we do? We just have to let him and stand back.
Oh wow I didn't think that you would actually be out in the jungle for several days on end. That's like being stuck with your coworkers past 6pm. See this is what I was surpirsed about in Sg, there is hardly any groupwork before university. In the west there's tonnes of groupwork. People still have to be great individually, but they also have to learn how to get along with others. I think he probably will be bullied considering even people with average social skills can get bullied too. But what can you do? He could be bullied in the workplace someday and will have to deal with that too. Alternatively if he chose not to upgrade his PES, he should maybe be encouraged to do more social activities in a safe environment, like volunteering at a charity. By the way how did his part time job go? The one at the store stacking shelves.
DeleteOh in the Singaporean army, it is not uncommon for men to spend days, even weeks on end away in the jungle for training - never mind charging your phone, you won't even get to take a shower in that period. You see, there's a lot of people from places like the US going, yeah right, you're such a tiny country Singapore, how on earth are you going to defend yourself in a real war when a much bigger country like Malaysia or Indonesia invades? So Singapore responds by showing that they take the whole defense issue very seriously by spending a lot of money on things like fighter jets and tanks as well as deliberately making national service horrifically difficult for the soldiers, to make it look like yeah see how tough our men are? Look at how we are training them! Let's see you try to invade, bring it on. The smaller the country, the harder they feel the need to try to project this image of toughness - thus that does result in a lot of soldiers suffering for the sake of suffering: that's right, they deliberately inflict a lot of sleep and food deprivation on the soldiers for no real reason, apart from this desire to appear 'tougher' than your enemies. If my nephew wants to be a part of the group who are denied food and sleep then expected to do an insane amount of physically punishing tasks, then that's his choice. We have a saying in Hokkien to describe this 'chiong sua' - it literally means "run up the hill", the phrase originated from the way soldiers would be made to run up to the top of the highest hill outside the camp, touch a marker at the top of the hill and run back down again (to be repeated over and over and over again) for no apparent reason, other than being a part of this whole suite of punishments to toughen up the boys to make them tougher than their counterparts from Malaysia and Indonesia. So make no mistake, my nephew has been spared a lot of that horrific physical punishment as a result of his PES status but if he is a glutton for punishment, if he wants to suffer, then I say, we have to let him.
DeleteSo in that environment, when there's so much physical suffering, tempers are short, people are impatient and kindness is in short supply. Soldiers will lash out at those with poor social skills so apart from the physical punishment, my nephew will undoubtedly be relentlessly bullied by his peers. There's the famous 'blanket party' in the army, where the idiot with poor social skills will be beaten up by the others after the lights go out at night. I'm not sure where the term comes from - maybe we use blankets when we sleep but officers condone it as it serves as a warning, don't be the asshole who causes trouble, learn to get along with your peers or they will literally beat the crap out of you. My nephew would undoubtedly be subjected to a blanket party or three if he switched to a more demanding vocation given his poor social skills.
As for his part time jobs, he did two between his A levels and his enlistment. He first worked at a biscuit packing factory but that was only for a few weeks, that didn't last long and I didn't expect anything to come of it. I wrote about it on my blog but that's only because my stupid sister said some dumb shit about it and I had to shoot her down over it. And then he got Covid, so a few weeks passed, he nearly went to work for a supermarket stacking shelves and that's when he got a MASSIVE scolding from me. I shouted at him, what the hell did you go to school and get an education for, only to do a job that's reserved for those who are completely uneducated?! I pulled some strings, arranged for him to do an internship with an old classmate of mine who ran a media company and had a big team; but damn, the problem with Singapore's strict Covid laws meant that only essential staff could return to the office so my nephew was given various assignments to do from home, all IT related and that was pretty uneventful. I was personally disappointed with it as I wanted my nephew to learn social skills by working in a team - he has the rest of his life to learn IT skills but it is his very poor social skills that desperately need improving for crying out aloud. But if he dared to get a job that involved stacking shelves, I'd fly to Singapore on the next flight out of London to personally bitch-slap the hell out of him for letting down his parents by doing manual labour like that. Hell no.
DeleteLol that's a lot of Lord of the Flies style anarchy going on in the army. I thought "blanket party" meant people beat each other up using blankets, or at least towels twisted really tight. I've seen scenes like that in hollywood movies about summer camps and people getting beat up at night in the bunks for being the idiot with poor social skills. I dunno man, he's 18 and has to live his own life. At least it'll be temporary.
DeleteHahaha gosh you're so Asian with the "only take good jobs" kinda mentality. Like in the US and other western countries many teenagers take on part time menial jobs like stacking shelves, being a lifeguard, working a cashier at a grocery store, etc. I even went on a date with a guy who is the son of a millionaire brain surgeon who said he worked as a lifeguard in high school for his allowance, and that his father told him he isn't getting an inheritance aside from university tuition being paid for in full, as the rest of his money is gonna be donated to charity. I suppose people don't look down on menial jobs as much in the west compared to Asia. I had a dad who had your exact attitude about menial jobs, as a result I wasn't even allowed to work a part-time job during university. I was just told if I wanted work experience I should intern in the summer for one of my dad's business clients who had a decent company which would pay me for engineering work. To be fair, this Asian attitude is why the children of immigrants in the US/UK tend to work more middle/upper class jobs than a British born person of similar class background, even if both the immigrant and the Brit grew up poor. It does help to get on the career ladder younger.
Speaking of which, I have a very wealthy childhood friend from private school who is working a menial job stacking shelves despite having 2 bachelor's degrees fully paid for by his parents. He's been out of university for more than a year now, and all of his friends have been scolding him for lazing around playing videogames after work instead of sending out resumes for jobs which require a degree. We don't even look down on menial jobs, if he's happy with it then great. But he's always complained he has no money leftover at the end of the month due to his low pay, even though he doesn't pay any rent or car payments since his parents bought him a house and a car (and pay for property tax + utilities, wow suck luck!). I suppose you'd hate if your nephew ended up like this guy, rich and privileged, but not taking full advantage of it and complaining he can't afford the things he had as a child. One day I was just sick of his bullshit so I said "the longer you work stacking shelves the more doors it closes", and he said "what?! No! Shouldn't it be the longer I work somewhere the more doors it opens?!" Like wow, he was in complete denial about the consequences of his cushy life with zero mental stress at work. I have no idea how he's gonna explain a two year gap to a white collar employer if he even does come around to sending out resumes. But this is a guy whose parents give zero fucks about his career, and happily pay for him to bum around. He didn't have an Asian uncle Alex growing up in his life haha!
Ref: blanket party. What I have also heard is that it is referred to as a blanket party as a blanket is first tossed over the victim at the beginning of the attack, it almost forms a form of net over the victim to prevent the victim from escaping - the victim is also unable to see who is attacking him (great if you wanna get away with beating up someone) and thus in such a coordinate group attack, 4 guys hold down each corner of the blanket like a net over the victim whilst the rest hammer onto the victim from above the blanket, sometimes using implements like sticks or even chairs. Yup, blanket parties are real in the army and it is silently condoned/tolerated by those higher up the chain of command because the very threat of it happening to you will make you wanna be on your best behaviour and pull your weight in the team. The people who are most likely to get a blanket party are the lazy ones who refuse to pull their weight when it comes to teamwork situations. At least my nephew is not lazy but good grief, his poor social skills are going to get him into big trouble.
DeleteSo let me paint you a picture: imagine we're in school and he scores really well in a maths test, say he gets 95/100. He will go to his classmates and ask them how they did for the test. He might then say something like, "you got only 78? Well I got 95!" And then he would wonder why that classmate are pissed off with his behaviour. You see, if he went to his teacher or parents/grandparents and said, "I scored 95/100 for the maths test", they would automatically shower him with praise for doing so well. But holy shit, you can't expect your peers to react in the same way and that's why I am worried for him if the army if he doesn't know how to interact with his peers - the blanket party is the worst case scenario of course but he could end up getting ostracized and bullied a lot like that.
As for my Asian uncle attitude, so sue me I'm Asian. My nephew has had the kind of education I never had, he has every opportunity handed to him on a silver platter because his parents are rich whilst my parents were piss poor. Thus when he wanted to go work in a supermarket, his reasoning was, "well it is easy, I won't be challenged, I can do the job really well." Whereas when I put him up for an internship with my friend's company, he was nervous that he was going to be asked to do difficult stuff that he may struggle with, brand new stuff that he didn't understand and be scolded for being incompetent. His attitude stank, it reminded me too much of my working class parents who were always trying to get away with doing the minimum possible. Hey my next job is gonna be with a Peruvian company where the language of business is Spanish - Spanish is my 4th language. Whilst some people may view such a challenge with trepidation, I'm like yeah bring it on! I am going to make my Spanish as good as my second language French, I am now going to be under pressure to improve my Spanish in a short space of time! Working class people often opt to do the bare minimum to get by, that's why they remain poor whilst people like you and I love the challenge and opportunity to improve ourselves. This was why I wanted my nephew to be less like my parents and more like me when it came to selecting a decent part time job to improve himself.
DeleteLol that blanket party is actually very elaborate and well planned out. Who needs masks to hide your identity Batman style when you can ambush someone with a blanket? Wow I can totally see your nephew saying "what did the sarge say to you? I just got lots of praise from him!" and getting whacked for it. Eesh, someone like that should be grateful to be given a desk job and considered "not combat fit." By the way, what did you do in NS? I had a friend who was infantry until he had a mental breakdown and was downgraded in PES such that he wasn't able to handle a gun anymore (they're scared he'll shoot someone), and became a secretary instead. And he had good social skills! He just couldn't take all the bullying for no particular reason except that people above him were bored, and also jealous because he's half Ang-moh with an Australian accent and a family back in Australia. They used to call him "hey rich Ang-moh, what are you doing here if you're rich?" It took a lot of kow-towing on his part just to make friends and not have people hate him just for being different.
DeleteScolded for being incompetent? Yeah, I can see your nephew is really unconfident when it comes to learning new things. You could argue him wanting to be upgraded in PES is him feeling overconfident with his physical capabilities, while underestimating his need to upgrade his social capabilities. That is a terrible attitude haha. I dunno how he would do in a real job interview.
Good luck on the Spanish and dealing with clients in Peru. That reminds me, I had a job interview with an engineer on Thursday, and he had a very strong Chinese accent when speaking English. I could barely understand some things he said, but if I was offered the job I'd have to figure out a way to communicate with this guy. If only I knew Mandarin haha.
Ugh, the math tests the hedge funds gave me are so difficult... I had no idea I had to study for it. But these jobs are really sought after, so they have the luxury of filtering out candidates using these quizzes. At least I'll have a year to prepare before I reapply for these jobs again. This year I chickened out of the take-home tests I got sent, because I'm just totally unprepared(they were due in a week) and have a truckload of work due with a tight deadline soon. However, today I drove to a lake and passed by some really nice houses on the way there. If I was good enough at hedge fund math, then I'd be able to get a quantitative trader job and afford one of those houses. One day... hopefully next year...
The problem with my nephew is that he hasn't really figured out how to make friends and be popular - let's stick with the example of the maths test where he has performed very well but some of his classmates scored badly. The way to win friends in such a situation is to express empathy, "hey I used to struggle with maths last year but I managed to turn things around, would you like to study together and maybe I can help you improve your understanding? I would like to try to help you please." Yeah, such an approach would win people over as you're expressing empathy, sympathy and kindness but of course at the same time, they're also aware that you've done very well for that test. The problem with autistic people is that they fail to see things from another person's point of view: so staying with the maths test, if my nephew has scored very well for it, of course he is gonna be very pleased with himself. And if he goes to his teacher, his parents or even me, then yeah we're gonna be pleased for him as well and praise him for doing so well - our perspectives align, I want to see my nephew do well at school and score well in such tests of course. However, his classmates' perspectives do not align with my nephew's; imagine if they struggled and did badly for that test, then this classmates comes and gloats over his great results, that's when that misalignment in perspectives over my nephew's 95/100 result can become a cause of conflict. Now people with better social skills can see that coming a mile away and avoid such conflicts but my nephew's poor social skills means that he walks right into situations like that because he is solely focused on his own perspective. That's created problems at school before but it's gonna create even more problems in the army.
DeleteSo instead of figuring out this whole issue of perspective and unlocking the answer: "I need to see things from the perspective of the other person rather than focus on my own perspective." He simply seeks to gain validation from people whose perspectives naturally align with his - such as his parents. So if he does well for his exams, he runs to his parents and teachers, thus getting loads of praise. But remember, that's not going to work in the army. Imagine he gets asked to do something really mundane like, "clean these windows", he cleans them in record time and they are so clean they look brand new, he runs to the officer having performed the task to a super high standard, expecting praise and he's not gonna get any because the officer's perspective doesn't line up with my nephew's - he's not interested in praising my nephew. Instead, the other soldiers who have been asked to do the same task of cleaning the windows are now like, holy shit, now the officer is going to expect us all to clean those windows just as fast and deliver the same quality because of this idiotic enthusiastic kid so desperate to impress. Let's organize a blanket party tonight.
As for my time in the army, I had a weird combination of a lot of gymnastics injuries - I had shattered the left fibula in my knee joint prior to enlisting because of a gymnastics injury and thus was classed as PES C2, so that's in the middle of the range. A = absolutely nothing wrong, F = so messed up you're exempt totally. So from A to F, I was classed as C2. But ask any gymnast and they'll tell you the difference between gymnastics injuries that end careers and those which you recover from - mine was clearly the latter as I am still doing gymnastics even today, though I have picked up many more injuries along the way over the years of course. Remember this was the mid-90s, a long time ago and I was lucky to be in the right place at the right time, they needed some kids who knew how to use these things called 'computers' - oh yeah, back when I was a soldier, they had the habit of using typewriters to fill up official forms and it was only the younger kids who had grown up with the technology who weren't afraid to embrace the new technology whilst the older adults over 50 were totally useless when it came to using technology. However, as with any organization, it was the older adults over 50 who were in charge, not the teenagers. These people would be about 80 years old today mind you. So I was selected to be working with computers - nothing exciting of course, it often boiled down to,"here are the paper records of all the personnel in our unit for the last 30 years and we need to enter them into this database." Whoopee. It may sound frightfully boring these days. But I remember showing the officer, "okay so you wanna look for this guy on your records, you remember his surname is Lim, so we search for all the people who have the surname Lim on the database, then you can see the list here and then you can also search by his date of birth, say you want to find everyone who was born in 1973. I just search by date of birth and here I now have the list of everyone born that year." Yeah things like that seem mundane today but for the officers back in the day, it was the first time someone was showing them how to do it and that's me being in the right place at the right time. So after I did that in office hours 8 - 6, I went to train gymnastics in the evening. That was my routine for my NS days.
DeleteOh as for my new job, my colleagues are Peruvian but my clients will not be in Latin America. They already have a big office full of Peruvian staff dealing with Spanish speaking client in Latam - I am there to help them deal with business interests in Europe and Asia, ironically, I am being valued for my English speaking skills as I am the only person who speaks English as a first language on the team now and they wanna put me front and center in any negotiation with customers/partners when the meeting is in English. Whoopee. So it is my English skills which have become super useful now. I still wanna speak to the rest of the team in Spanish of course as I wanna improve my Spanish.
I have a question, do his parents tell him off when he's being unempathetic? And also, if they're rich, couldn't they just send your nephew to finishing school? I was threatened with that a few times in my childhood when I didn't have good manners. At 18, that attitude is quite terrible. I can't imagine him bragging about an achievement during a job interview, or let alone going on a date with a girl (or guy) and bragging about something or not asking enough about them. I can see why you think he's going to be the victim of intense bullying during NS. Other guys can easily get annoyed with that attitude, especially in the jungle where they already have piles of shit to deal with. But I think a good attitude can be taught, but it will take lots of teaching.
DeleteAhh so you had to do data entry/retrieval haha. That sounds very cushy, at least you got to sit in an office instead of march around all day. If I had to do NS I'd consider myself lucky in having to sit in an office. But it seems your nephew is very hyperactive and wants to go outside and do things. Some people are like that. But some others are like you and think "I can just do gymnastics after work if I want to exercise."
Lol for once you're hired for your English expertise instead of your other languages. By the way, how do you deal with the timezone difference living in the UK? Also how do taxes work if you aren't moving to Peru? Does that technically make you a digital nomad? I know in the US after the pandemic a lot of workers moved out of expensive areas to take advantage of lower rent and taxes while working remotely, but then the government and even the employers started cracking down on that.
By the way, could I ask some career advice? I have some friends who work in finance firms around the city. Would it be a good idea if I offered to be an unpaid part-time intern so I can learn more about options trading and list it on my CV when I do apply for paid jobs? Would that help me compared to having no experience?
Good question and one which I will answer now: his parents do tell him off when he is being unsympathetic and when given the opportunity, I'm more than ready to scold him for that as well. However, this is not something finishing school can fix - in Singapore, your typical finishing school will teach you how to hold a knife and fork properly, it will teach you how to dress properly for a formal meeting and it will teach you how to address important people in a business situation. What it cannot fix however, is this lack of empathy, this inability to because in a sympathetic manner - it's not that I'm giving him an excuse here, but it is because he is autistic.If I may be totally blunt, his parents argue and fight over this issue and cannot agree. Let me give you an example: I give my nephew hell over his table manners because he will leave a lot of people feeling repulsed and disgusted with the way he eats. His mother has a weird reason not to come down on him for his poor table manners - in fact, she defends him by claiming that his father, ie. my brother-in-law has poor table manners too and so it would be hypocrisy to expect her son to have good table manners if her husband lacks good table manners. I point out to her that two wrongs don't make a right, so both your husband and son have terrible table manners - great, how does that somehow make the situation acceptable in any way?
DeleteTo stay with the example of table manners - he's eating in a noisy way not because he's deliberately trying to offend or upset people, but because he is totally focused on himself (being autistic), he only sees things from his point of view. He doesn't pause for a moment to think, "what would uncle Alex feel if I ate noisily in front of him? Would I upset uncle Alex?" But the moment I point out to him that uncle Alex is mortally offended and upset by the way he eats, then he makes a genuine effort to eat in a more polite way that would not cause offence to anyone. It is this complete inability to take into account what others might think or feel about his actions that causes him to get into trouble. That's something that is waaaaay beyond the scope of what finishing schools can do. A finishing school can teach you the best table manners such as the right way to hold your knife and fork, but it cannot teach you the basic concept of respecting others and being considerate to others around you. Frankly, if my sister had sent my nephew to finishing school when he was younger, they would turn around and say, that kid is very autistic, you're totally barking up the wrong tree. We cannot fix him at all, you need to get him a full time therapist to stay with him 24/7 to snap at him every time he fails to consider things from another person's point of view until he gets into the habit of doing that on his own. Such a therapist is very expensive and it usually up to the family to train him up in this aspect, but my family, alas they don't have good social skills to begin with - heck, they don't even have good table manners to begin with and thus they are really not the right people to help my nephew out in this aspect. I can see exactly what kind of 'training' my nephew needs but unfortunately, as I don't live in Singapore, I don't get to spend enough time with my nephew to have a positive impact on his life when it comes to his social skills situation.
As for my NS time, whilst my work was cushy, I was also the reigning national champion gymnast at that time - that's right, I was the national champion, number one in the country and after I finished my work, I went training and let's just say, you don't get to be national champion by taking it easy. I had a tougher training regime than the commandos and that was why I was the best of the best. That's why I would always just roll my eyes cynically when I heard the other soldiers complain about how physically demanding their training was and I was like, yeah why don't you come training at gymnastics with me at the national training center with the national team and let's see you keep up with me. By the way, I'm the national champion, I'm number one in the country, didn't you know that? But the fact is, I had the good fortune of working with a very good coach who really cared about me excelling in gymnastics and wanted me to win every single gold medal there was out there, whereas those soldiers who had to endure really tough physical training were really just bullied into submission by officers who didn't give a shit about them. I was in a much, much luckier, better situation than a lot of my peers because I could clearly see why I was working so hard, to become a formidable champion that people looked up to. Whereas the other soldiers were nothing more than cannon fodder in that context.
DeleteSo right now, my nephew is being treated like a complete retard who is incapable of anything, including physical activity. My nephew doesn't have the maturity to say, "yeah think what you want of me, I will go do my own sports in the evenings and free time when I can prove to MYSELF just how strong I am. I will set my own goals, pursue my own objectives and have a great time doing that on my own." But no, my nephew isn't independent enough to think like that, he sees the other soldiers doing physical stuff, he wants to join in because he thinks he will be good at it. At this stage I'm just like, go on, join in if you want to but it's no fun and there's nobody there to pat you on the back and say well done to you when you suffer a lot. I just hope he doesn't suffer too many blanket parties in the process. He doesn't know how to think outside the box, he is the kind of person who doesn't know how to function independently outside the system. The worst part is that he won't listen to others trying to tell him how to deal with this situation - such is the difficulty with dealing with an autistic person, he refuses to acknowledge that anyone else might have a valid opinion and even recognize that he is wrong on the matter.
Let me tell you how frustrating it is dealing with an autistic child who doesn't listen to anyone else: when I taught him economics, it's not like he is deliberately being disrespectful but he doesn't listen to others. I am simplifying what happened here but I just wanna illustrate a point: we had a case study about Germany and he made the mistake of saying 'dollars' when referring to the local currency. I pointed out to him that in Germany the local currency is euros, not dollars. He then forgot again and I reminded him again - but by the third and the fourth time, I'm like, how many times do I have to tell you what the currency of Germany is before you would listen to me? Can you write it down please so you don't forget? He just explained, "I thought they used dollars in Germany." So even if he acknowledged that he was wrong, there's something wrong with his brain in that he cannot then process that new piece of information that I've just given him about the currency of Germany. He know he is wrong, but he cannot substitute the wrong answer with the right answer that I have just given him. Even over something as straight forward as that, he struggles to get the information into his head, so imagine if I tried to tell him why his initial impressions of life in the army is wrong and hat he should listen to what I am saying to him. You have no idea how hard it is to try to get new information into the head of an autistic person, you have to convince them to stop listening to themselves and to start listen to you instead. That's a tall order.
DeleteAs for working with Peru, I will not keep regular office hours since I'll be working from home, from my very own living room. I will respond to all emails, messages and take calls as long as I am awake, but given that 9 am in Peru = 3 pm in London, that suits me fine as I'm not a morning person. I have no problems answering messages in the evening anyway, so there's no problem at all. As for my taxes, they pay me directly into my bank account, I am classed as self-employed in the UK and I declare my earnings to the UK tax authorities when I fill in my tax return - that will then tell me exactly how much tax to pay and I pay those taxes I am due to the government. It's really straightforward and simple. I don't class myself a digital nomad as I haven't left my home yet - I would be if I moved to say a place like Thailand or Bali and worked from there.
As for an unpaid internship, I don't know - not all internships are equal. If you're placed in a good company with a mentor who genuinely cares about you (hey a bit like how my gymnastics coach cared about me), then yeah of course that's a great experience to have. But if you're just seen as cheap/free labour for them to exploit in exchange for you getting some work experience, then no, it's not worth putting yourself in that kind of situation as you're not gonna get that much out of it. I think it's good to get some work experience outside the university and show that you are in touch with the real world outside the university, but I wouldn't be thaaat desperate to say that you must absolutely have experience with options trading. Remember they're looking for talented individuals with a lot of potential to train up and if they select you, they'll teach you everything you need to know to do the job well - you won't be expected to hit the ground running.
DeleteHey Alex. I don't want to call your nephew "not nice", but it is gonna be really hard to be a good person in practice if he lacks empathy. I guess I do know many upper class people who are completely autistic but can say their please and thankyous after a lifetime of training. Yeah he needs access to a good psychologist, someone who can correct him when he says "today I got bullied after I said this to another NSman", and tell him what was wrong with what he said. But SG isn't really progressive with regards to mental healthcare, even for non-autistic people who just have difficulty dealing with life. I mean I went to the psychologist in university once when I was doing my undergrad in SG, and even she was unempathetic a lot of times. I suppose it's a sad thing to be born autistic and be unable to connect with other people, but it can be trained after decades of experience. I mean for myself I treat working on my social skills in a similar way to playing multi-player videogames and reading online tutorials on how to get better at the game. Not because I'm trying to win a high score, but because I'd like friends, a partner, and to climb the career ladder. I don't think your nephew has realized yet that this is something he is bad at and needs to work harder than other people to even be average at. Also, he doesn't realize what is the opportunity cost of not working on these skills. Kids y'know, they can take everything for granted and not see beyond what is right in front of them.
DeleteOh wow that is a very simple tax situation indeed, just declare yourself as an independent contractor who happens to have overseas clients. In the US it's a lot more complicated if you work in a corporate setting and want to relocate outside where the company is stationed. But I guess banking is just very global in the first place so its not uncommon to just hire consultants.
Yeah that's true, the paid internship interviews I got only asked that I was good at the basic theory of probability and statistics. The reason why I was thinking of an unpaid internship is that I could take off at any time I want if I don't like it, and there are less strings attached. A lot of the finance paid internships demand their applicants already graduate before the internship even starts, because they intend to give a full-time job offer to the good interns at the end of the internship. I just wanted to intern for good money then go back to my PhD right after. But I guess I wasn't rejected completely by the finance firms I applied to even with zero experience in options trading, they only wanted to check I was decent at math + coding. I should probably apply for the paid internships when I'm closer to graduating, because then I would be that much closer to a full time job offer. But still, I would like to learn about quantitative options trading, and if one of my friends needs me to crunch a few numbers while they slack off a bit I wouldn't mind.
Hi Amanda, we go back to the basics of what autism means and there is that inability to read the feelings of others and if you're not even aware of what the other person is feeling, how are you going to take that into consideration? So let me give you a simple example: when I took my sister and nephew out cycling in London, my nephew exclaimed out aloud, "I want to cycle very very fast!" My sister made this face and then I asked my nephew, look at your mother's reaction. Can you see how she reacted to what you've said? Now look at me reacting to your mother's reaction - how do you think uncle Alex feels like right? Can you see how what you've said upset your mother and your uncle? Was that the right thing to say, if it is going to upset your mother? When I put it so clearly to him, then he knew how to say something like, "I'm sorry mum, I didn't mean to upset you, I will cycle carefully." It is this problem whereby he has no filter, he says what he feels in a most blunt and honest manner without thinking about the effect of his words on others. The way I see it, the only way you can train someone like that to improve is to catch him out every time he makes a mistake like that and make him realize you have to select your words carefully, rather than just say or do whatever you wish without considering the impact it might have on others around you. When I learn a difficult new skill in gymnastics, I have to train it again and again and again, I may fall on my face many times before I get it right but such is the nature of training - you need a coach to yell at you, get back on the apparatus and do it again, that was wrong. That's where we run into a problem here.
DeleteTo hire a therapist/social worker 24/7 to catch him out on every single social interaction is not only extremely expensive, but a huge intrusion on his privacy. Imagine a kid in school who is shadowed by a social worker listening in on every single conversation he has with his peers and then correcting him when he says something wrong - that's highly unusual to say the least and unheard of. So the best people in the world to perform that role is his parents but they have a different attitude I'm afraid. They think, oh dear this poor kid is already so self-conscious and scrutinized all the time because of his poor social skills, if we pick on every mistake he makes, it will totally destroy what little self confidence he has. So we're going to create a safe environment at home where he can at least relax within the family environment and know that he can make mistakes here without being judged, because the moment he steps out of that front door, he has to face a harsh, cruel world. Whilst that approach has some merits, it also means that they have missed a vital opportunity to fix this problem.
Now staying with that example of my nephew exclaiming that he wanted to cycle very very fast, my sister was upset by that comment but was prepared to let it go whilst I made him apologize to his mother. Imagine if my nephew said something that upset his fellow soldiers in the army, would they a) let it go, the way my sister did or b) hold him to account for his word, the way I did? The thing is, I reacted like a caring uncle, keen for my nephew to do things better and learn from that mistake. The people in the army aren't going to be as kind as me, they are going to go down the 'blanket party' route if they react to him saying something really stupid and offensive - so if my nephew really wants to put himself in that kind of position, I just roll my eyes and think, well maybe he will learn a thing or two from that experience, even if he has to learn it via the infamous blanket party experience. The issue with my nephew is that he knows at some level that his poor social skills can get him into trouble (and there have been many episodes at school already, which were a result of his poor social skills), so his reaction is to become quiet and reserved - ie. if I don't say anything, I can't get into trouble. But that's not a solution either because he may have been able to avoid trouble at school using that approach but in the army, you have to function as a team and there's no hiding, you have to interact with your peers when you work with them and my nephew has at best avoided the issue when he was a student, he's never been under pressure to solve the problem and his parents have taken an approach to effectively sweep it under the carpet in the name of creating a safe environment at home. Thus in a sense, yeah the army environment could be the harsh but strict teacher he needs - it is what it is and I'm just hoping for some good to come of it.
DeleteHow long more before you finally finish your PhD?
I actually did go to a private school where some students specifically requested a shadow teacher because they had some mental conditions. These students were actually very well behaved 90% of the time, so it was well worth the extra money for their parents. But they had extremely wealthy parents, and for the students who required this service, they were unlikely to work stressful high paying jobs and the parents were just happy if they could learn some social skills and be pleasant towards their friends and family. I wouldn't recommend it for your nephew since he is quite intelligent, managed to get into NUS after all. He's just lacking in the social skills department. Both you and I weren't dealt the best cards with respect to that growing up, but we adapted. I can't imagine walking into a job interview and asking for special privileges that no other employees had just because I have a little autism. Everyone is deficient in some way, even without autism. I'm sure there are plenty of non-autistic students who didn't get into NUS who would kill to be in your nephew's shoes, even if they have better social skills and would survive better in NS. So well, I suppose your nephew doesn't have the worst cards in life, even if he doesn't have the best.
DeleteI think I will need minimum 15 months to finish my PhD. But by the summer of 2024 I should be out and hopefully at a quant internship at a finance firm. I guess that's the plan for now... I could just drop out and apply for jobs, but I think I will finish the PhD out of the small hope I could land a high paying job in the tech industry and stay close to science. Otherwise, I'll settle for a job as a quant.
My nephew's parents had a difficult choice: they could have sent him to a special school whereby he could have had more specialist teachers deal with my nephew's learning/behavioural needs or they could have sent him to a normal school and forced him to fit in. They chose the latter because they recognized that he's not stupid at all - quite on the contrary, he's just very autistic but that doesn't mean he is stupid. A lot of the behavioural problems need to be dealt with by the parents at the end of the day, because they're the best people to do it rather than outsourcing everything to professionals. The fact is a lot of young adults do eventually figure a lot of this out for themselves through a mix of reward vs punishment: in the army, if you want to get along well with your peers and make friends, you need to have very good social skills. If you behave obnoxiously then you're asking for a blanket party. In school, as a student, my nephew never really faced that same situation: if he didn't have friends, he didn't care as he can find loads of fun entertainment online and be quite happily on his own as long as he has his phone or laptop. And if a classmate really did beat him up in school, then the teachers would be obliged to intervene and protect my nephew if it ever came to that. This is why it may be tough love, but if my nephew really wants to be put in that situation, then that may be the best possible way for him to learn when the rewards vs punishments are very real. It will also prepare him for the working environment as an adult, where conditions could be similarly unforgiving.
DeleteIf you're that close to finishing your PhD then get it over and done with once and for all as you've invested this much time, energy and effort into it already.
Yup, had he been sent to a special school he'd probably grow to be an unconfident kid who thinks he's not good enough for normal school or normal jobs. I know it sucks, but even non-autistic boys can get blanket partied in NS.
DeleteYeah, I'm trying to make it to the finish line... Just a little over a year left and then I can start earning real money.
I also don't want to be too harsh on his parents at the end of the day, it's a massive challenge having to do your best for an autistic child - they may not always make the right decisions, there may often be a difficult choice to make between two less than perfect options with no clear good solution, but I know they have always tried their best and continue to do so. It's often too easy to sit here as an uncle from 8 time zones away saying tut tut tut, judging them for what they have done but of course, I have to acknowledge the amount of effort they have put into their parenting endeavors over the last 18 years.
DeleteYeah it's hard enough parenting a normal kid let alone an autistic one. At least he does well in school, gotta give them credit for that. Even if he might be blanket partied if he upgrades in PES.
DeleteI guess the key question is if your nephew given his condition and environment, is able to cope and adapt. Do we know or have test him enough that he might have a chance to learn and work together with his peers? The latter really depends on those around him and where he gets deployed (pretty much toss of a coin). And I guess the key question is if your nephew given his condition and environment, is able to cope and adapt. Do we know or have test him enough that he might have a chance to learn and work together with his peers? The latter really depends on those around him and where he gets deployed (pretty much toss of a coin). And if he cant, are there any recourse for him? Get him out of physical training course, and back to admin work.
ReplyDeleteHi IA, there's no fair way of testing him too if he will fail because the only way for him to learn is to be placed in that environment in the first place. So you have a paradox: if you don't place him in that situation, then he will never get to learn how to cope with that situation - but if we test to see if he will be able to cope with the situation now, he will definitely fail because he has never been placed in that position before. Yet if we then place him in that position, there is a possibility that he doesn't learn and adapt fast enough and he will fail.
DeleteIn short, there's absolutely NO WAY we can know the outcome and such is life. You simply cannot predict accurately what will happen - some guys who adapt and rise to the occasion, whilst others will crumble and fail within the context of NS. So the SAF makes a judgment call when they evaluate each individual pre-enlistment, there is a long and detailed process whereby they do look at each individual's medical history and the PES status of each soldier is determined by the medical officer (ie. a doctor who is also an officer in the military) - in more complex cases, it isn't just the opinion of one medical officer but it can involve a panel of various experts to make sure that they have someone on the panel who has the expertise to deal with the specific condition that is affecting the soldier in question. Thus in my nephew's case, they will need a psychiatrist/psychology expert who knows all about autism whilst in my case, they needed an orthopedic specialist given how utterly messed up my left knee was, I fucked my entire left leg (but especially the knee joint) real bad as a result of my many gymnastics injuries.
When I applied for a job in a Swiss organization years ago, I was given a 'stress interview' where I was placed in a roleplay situation where the other parties involved were deliberately very difficult with me, shouting at me, criticizing me and they wanted to see how I would react under stress. If I could stand my ground and get the others to listen to me under those circumstances or if I would just crumble and fold under pressure. Look if you subjected my nephew to a similar kind of test today, I can tell you he will 100% fail liao - like if it's a test of social skills, I guarantee you 100% fail. No way in hell he will pass any such test. There's a reason why he is autistic for crying out aloud.
Furthermore, if a lack of social skills warrants a downgrade to PES E, then aiyoh, I can imagine 60%, even 80+% of the guys in the army demanding a downgrade due to a lack of social skills rendering them unable to cope with the stress of the army environment. The SAF is rather unsympathetic in this case, basically the SAF doesn't really give a shit whether or not you develop and enhance your social skills during NS. It's in your personal interest to develop the right kind of social skills to cope in this stressful environment and get along with your peers. Unfortunately, social skills (or more to the point, the lack of social skills) do not figure in the PES system. I've seen physically fit soldiers with terrible social skills been graded PES A/B and the onus is then on them to rectify the situation themselves by improving their social skills rather than downgrading them for their lack of social skills. Whilst this may sound harsh, it does reflect what the real world is like when it comes to treating people with poor social skills. You can only use your autism as an excuse for so long before you have to come back to the harsh reality that much of the real world doesn't give a shit - you have to learn to cope.
And to answer your last question - no, there is no way for him to do a U-turn within the context of the PES system. Sorry I forgot whether you're male or female and thus whether or not you're familiar with the NS system, but the bottom line is that the panel of medical officers are the judge and jury when it comes to deciding your PES status in the army; to get an upgrade involves convincing the SAF that their panel of experts were WRONG and had made a serious mistake, that these medical experts don't know what they're talking about and have made a professional error in the case of my nephew's PES status. That's a huge accusation and there will be some medical officers who will be very adamant about the decision, "ie. I stand by my decision that this kid is so fucked up in the head, therefore my decision to grade him as PES E is correct. If you upgrade him and he ends up killing himself by committing suicide or takes his rifle and spray the bullets into a crowd of people, then you have to take responsibility for that, not me." Thus you have to understand that the army really doesn't give a shit, it doesn't give a flying fuck whether or not my nephew is happy or not with his PES status or his experience - they're NOT there to please him, this ain't a holiday camp for my nephew! No, they are there to safeguard those with serious medical conditions and in my nephew's case, they have evaluated that he is seriously fucked up because he is very autistic.
DeleteSo let's follow this through: let's assume he manages to get the upgrade he wants, he is placed in a physically demanding vocation, has a really difficult time (mostly through extreme bullying) and he wants to downgrade again - would his request be granted? The answer is no - you don't get to mess around with the SAF like that, you don't get to chin chin chai chai upgrade, downgrade as if you're deciding what toppings you want with your bubble tea. It's not a menu that you can select and choose, hell no that's not how the army works, even for autistic soldiers like my nephew. That's why I am resigned to the fact that the following is going to happen: he's going to get upgraded (against the will of his family), he's going to suffer like xiao, he's going to regret his decision because he can't downgrade again and I'm going to say, "see? I told you so. Have you learnt your lesson yet? Will you listen to your uncle Alex next time?"
My point is simple: the SAF has a system to deal with the issue of various medical conditions through this PES grading system, in which they use the best medical experts on panels to evaluate each individual. The way it works is that whilst they try their best to be fair, thorough and impartial throughout the process, the individual subject to this grading process doesn't get a say. So for example, when you go to see a dentist for example, the dentist will look at your teeth, do a thorough inspection, then tell you what work needs to be done and then get on with it. The dentist is merely offering you 'customer service' by telling you what needs to be done before getting on with the treatment - the dentist isn't going to ask you, "so what do you think? Do we need to go for root canal for that molar or would a crown suffice for now? Even if we put a crown on it, would it last for at least two years?" No, because we're the patient, not a trained dental professional, so even if we do have an opinion on the situation, our opinion really doesn't matter or count for anything at all. The fact is the PES grading system is based entirely on the soldier's physical and mental health rather than a system designed to give the soldier the best possible, most fun NS experience. It is a huge question mark whether or not my nephew can convince the SAF that he ought to be upgraded given that he's an 18 year old kid trying to tell a panel of experienced, well-respected medical experts that they are wrong and he is right (ooh boy, hold that thought for a moment); it's not unheard of but it's tough. To do it twice is just impossible - most upgrades are usually done if the medical condition can heal in time. Take my fucked up left leg for example, when I broke my leg, yeah I couldn't walk for a while on that leg and it was seriously messed up. But in time, that leg healed and I regained full function of my leg knee. So the downgrade was for a period long enough for the rehab and recovery of that left leg to happen and doctors can quite easily evaluate just how my left leg is functioning to decide on an upgrade. But as for a medical condition like autism, it doesn't get cured like a broken leg. Autistic people learn to cope with life's challenges by improving their social skills and I suppose if they can demonstrate that their social skills have radically improved then we can consider an upgrade - has my nephew improved his social skills to this point? No, he has not, not at all, far from it, hell no. In short, he's just a spoilt brat at the moment who isn't having enough fun in the army and demanding a more fun vocation. That's not a good enough reason to demand a PES status upgrade.
DeleteNo worries. Thanks for the kind explanation. Can't say I know the system as well as you do, though my personal experience didn't deviate from what you have described and been through. No test or proxy can replace actual experience. Hence, the phrase 'real life situation'. As for recourse and only as last resort , there's an option of getting a psychiatrist to certify your nephew suffers from depression for not being to cope with the demands of training. By no means is this a downgrade of pes status but he will be excused and redeployed to another unit or with a non combat post. There comes a point where your nephew has to learn to take responsibility for his own decision and actions. Then again, assuming the panel is willing to take the risk, and that's a big IF.
ReplyDeleteHi IA, if not being ready to cope with a stressful situation is good enough reason to be exempt from NS or at least a lot of hard duty in NS, then technically speaking, a lot of these young men would tick that box. However, many like myself do learn and benefit a lot from being placed in such situations - yes you're being thrown in the deep end of the pool and expected to swim, some will drown but most will figure out how to swim. But without even getting into the pool in the first place, how are you ever going to learn how to swim? The fact is if we're demanding an upgrade at this point, we're asking one group of medical officers to overrule the findings of the first group who looked at my nephew's case and certified him PES E in the first place. In the case of my left leg, they can take X-rays and talk about the rehab/recovery in the knee joint and base their decision on that, "let's compare the two X-rays, one taken this morning and the other taken a year ago just before we operated on that knee." Too little time has passed since his initial PES E examination for the second group of medical officers to say, "we have new medical evidence to justify convening another meeting and overturning the previous decision." The fact that my nephew is bored is not 'new medical evidence'. The fact is with cases involving autism, it often just boils down to the opinion of a medical professional and it is hard to objectively test their findings. My nephew is counting on the new panel of medical officers (IF he is even granted that in the first place) to disagree with the findings of the first group (and whatever offence/grief that might cause towards individuals on the first panel), upgrade him and be willing to bear the responsibility of that decision. So if my nephew gets upgraded, then be places in an environment where he gets bullied and then kills himself, it's not a question of "he's gotta take responsibility for his own situation" - there'll be an inquiry regarding the decision to upgrade a PES E soldier which led to tragic consequences. Thus the medical officers will have to be extremely convinced that the first panel was wrong regarding my nephew's PES status.
DeleteI have to remind you my age as a disclaimer, I am 46 so things could have changed since my time in NS but there are certain aspects of the culture that have not changed and that's the attitude towards people who 'chao geng' - it means that the SAF views people who are malingering very negatively and anyone claiming injury/depression are often greeted with skepticism. In my case, I was very lucky, the bone in my knee was broken - you can't argue with an X-ray, no ifs, no buts, just look at that big crack in the bone in the X-ray. Whereas with a lot of these mental health issues, it's a opinion of one doctor vs another. You say he is depressed and unable to sleep at night, I say he is a spoilt brat who is struggling to cope with the harsh training regime, but the solution isn't an exemption from combat duty, but a good dose of old fashioned military discipline to turn that spoilt brat teenager into a tough soldier. Quite frankly, if every soldier could simply get a note from their private doctors to claim depression as an excuse to be exempt from combat duties, then there will be no more combat units left in the SAF - that's why even if you do go down that path and get note from your doctor claiming depression, the SAF are still going to evaluate your case with their own doctors and make their own decision. Indeed, if it is a case of someone who upgrades then wants to claim depression, I suspect that the medical officers may say, "let's make an example of this idiot, let's show the soldiers that the PES status is not the menu for their bubble tea toppings. Let's punish him!" Now that's a distinct possibility.
Sorry spotted a typo: "then be PLACED in a"
DeleteIn time your nephew will probably thank his lucky stars he was classified as PES E.
ReplyDeleteHe would be subjected to intense bullying if he were to be deployed to a combat role. You can't expect any good treatment from a bunch of immature 18 year olds led by NSF officers who are not much older than them. Add to that insecure SAF regulars who are only too keen to show their power, and you have a receipe for disaster. If you don't have the social skills to blend in or fake it, you are going to have a really miserable time.
Everything you said is 100% correct but we face the following problems: my nephew has been spared extreme bullying thus far in NS (luck I suppose, it is the luck of the draw whom you end up with). But he has made the fatal flaw of focusing on his own situation (of wishing to prove how capable he is) instead of looking at others around him - which of course, you have done skillfully and successfully; since you've pointed out that his peers are immature 18-19 year olds and NSF officers who are barely older than him + along with insecure SAF regulars, holy shit. Once we have looked at all that, yeah it's a tsunami of shit coming your way - you'll wanna avoid that. However, instead of lifting his eyes and gazing over the horizon to see that tsunami of shit, my nephew is very autistic and is thus guilty of only looking at the entire situation through his own point of view. And it's very me me me me me me me me me all the way. He neglects to account for the fact that he certainly doesn't have the social skills to blend in and he would almost certainly have a really miserable time. But if he won't listen to me to carefully avoid that tsunami of shit, well then I'm like, fine, let him suffer, then maybe he will learn the hard way that his own judgment is really shit and he should listen to others who know a lot better than him. I'd be standing by ready to say, I told you so.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi there, how are you doing? I hope my nephew will eventually get to the point where he will learn to set his own targets and goals, then be prepared to give himself a pet on the back rather than wait like a young child for the teacher to pat him on the back. Being an adult means taking charge of that part of your self-esteem and picking your own path, rather than just being that little kid in the class who says, "teacher, I do liddat good or not?" I am hoping that my nephew will take charge of his destiny and grow up - you need to do that too by giving yourself that validation instead of waiting for a third party to offer that to you.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteWell my friend, it is important to seek approval / validation from the right people who care about you and the problem with trying to do that in a system like the SAF or the education system is that these systems don't offer a bespoke package catered to your needs; it's a clunky one-size-fits-all approach to the issue and if your needs happen to align perfectly with what they are offering, then great. But if they don't, then the onus is on you to do whatever's necessary to make sure that your needs are taken care of, because as you've very correctly pointed out: it is a childish hunger to seek approval from people who don't care about you. We all need to grow out of that.
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete