Changing jobs at 46, important lessons I have learnt

Back in May 2021 I wrote a post entitled 'changing jobs as a 45 year old man' as I wanted to share with you my journey - most people tend not to change jobs as much when they get older and it seems like a taboo topic for older people. That's why I thought it was something I wanted to share to try to help other older people who are forced to change jobs later in their working lives. Just over one year on, I am writing a follow up because I have just left my job after having tried really hard for a year to make it work out. It did take me by shock initially because it was over a relatively minor incident but it was just the last straw that broke the camel's back. You need a certain amount of mutual trust and confidence in any kind of working relationship and usually, you just assume it is there but there was a conversation when I said to one of my directors, "I'm telling you the truth" and he said, "I hear what you're saying, but I don't necessarily believe you." And I then said, "that just goes to show that this working relationship has broken down." How did things get to this stage? the director who recruited me into his team left in February this year; with his departure, he left a power vacuum and then a number of people (myself included) were eyeing the possibility of stepping up into that gap he left. Thus various factions formed, there were a lot of office politics so even if I wasn't actively trying to stab anyone in the back, I was in a "push people out of your way or you will get pushed out of the door" situation. I blame myself for being naive about this kind of office politics but hey, it is what it is - I'm ready to move on with my life. I have learnt my lesson, I'm now older and wiser. 

Hindsight is always 2020 of course, so if we go back to this time last year, I had left my old job and I needed to find a new one. Within a matter of days, I had received three job offers and this was one of the three. I was lazy then, I thought, well I only need one job - what's the point in finding ten job offers when I can only say yes to one? It was on the basis that I said yes to this job and whilst I was good at what I was hired to do, there was one fundamental problem: no one in my company appreciated the one thing that I did best. I speak several languages fluently and use my linguistic ability to establish rapport with my clients by speaking to them in their native language - this is something that none of my other colleagues did as they were monolingual English speakers who expected the rest of the world to speak to them in English. For them, it was something extra that I offered which wasn't really all that important but of course, I beg to differ. Allow me to use a very Singaporean analogy: there's a famous hawker stall in Singapore which sells 'ikan bilis yong tau hoo' - for those of you who are not from Singapore, allow me to explain. Yong tau hoo is a popular Chinese dish made of stuffed vegetables and tofu, often served with noodles and soup. Ikan bilis is Malay for anchovies, in this case, fried anchovies. If you really like fried anchovies then this version of yong tau hoo is the best in town. But if you're indifferent to it or if you don't like it at all, you might wonder what all the fuss is all about and you would say, "I'm not paying extra for the ikan bilis - I don't even like ikan bilis." My greatest asset was the ikan bilis and it was seen as an optional bit of extra. 

So it was a square peg in a round hole situation - I was in a company which didn't think that it was that important to deal with clients in their native language. I should have seen the writing on the wall when they did a big problem for a Chinese client and I wasn't asked to help with it at all. There was a part of me that thought, suit yourselves, I'm busy enough anyway, I don't need more work. But on the other hand, I did feel that it was strange to say the least that I wasn't asked to be involved in the project at all - even if the client did speak English and surely if you do have a member of staff who spoke Mandarin fluently, you would just bring that member of staff along to further enhance that working relationship with the Chinese client. Some of you might try to explain the situation away that the client may prefer to do business in English for whatever reason, but the bottom line is I still felt that the company could have offered the client the choice to be serviced in English or Mandarin - if the client then chose to be serviced in English at that stage, then fair enough. But that choice was never offered to the client and in hindsight, that was a snub, a refusal to let me participate in that project despite the fact that I could have been quite useful. If I had been any more honest with myself, then that should have been my cue to start looking for a new job and accept that this wasn't working out for me at that company. But no I went into complete denial and simply looked the other way, believing (incorrectly) that all I had to do was focus on doing my job well and everything would be fine. It takes two hands to clap and if the other hand isn't cooperating, you're in trouble. 

So in hindsight, I did wonder if I would have been better off taking any of the other two job offers that were on the table - the answer is actually no. One of the companies ran into financial difficulties after having made some poor decisions coming out of the pandemic; the other one recruited someone who the role that was offered to me, then promptly sacked that person a few months later. I suppose it is cold comfort that I made the right choice at the time even if it didn't work out eventually. I simply have no idea what might have happened if I had gone with one of these two other options instead but what I do know is that I now need to take some time out to figure out what I am going to do next. Ironically, just like this time last year, I have already received two job offers without having made any effort to look for a new job yet. But oh no, I'm taking my time to evaluate my options carefully this time. On that basis, I have already said no to one of those options given that it would have been way too similar to what I did before and I'm still very seriously considering the other offer. What is interesting is that this has given me some perspective: I have had two options to compare and I was evidently far more impressed with one of the options and was quite ready to dismiss the other one. So I asked myself: why did you prefer one job offer over the other? Can you identify the specific aspects of the job in each case that you liked? And if you can do that, is it possible to find another job out there which will also entail all these aspects that made this job stand out and appear so attractive to you in the first place and can you find a similar job with another company?

The first and most important reason why I like this job offer is because I know the two directors at the company quite well, I have spent time with them before and we get along as friends. I genuinely feel very relaxed when talking with them whereas often when I am at work, I slip into this very formal mode I call my 'professional' persona where I am reserved and watch what I say. I'm never like that with my good friends of course and with these two directors, oh I definitely feel very relaxed. I don't think I really ever felt this 'relaxed', like I am with friends with the management of my old job - perhaps I had been in denial about this whole thing but when I first started there, I thought, okay I'm just new here - let's give it a few months and we'll get past this formality but no, I never got there. I did blame myself as I saw that as a failure on my part: surely if I had better social skills then I would be able to find a way to establish rapport with them, right? Actually no, I was totally wrong about that - the working relationship involves two parties and sometimes, maintaining that cordial but formal relationship is already the best case scenario. I cast my mind back to the time when I was in the army, there were a lot of people I had really nothing in common with yet I had to live and worth with them. So I was on my best behaviour to maintain some kind of friendly working relationship with them, but I also knew that our paths would never ever cross outside the context of the army. Thus I was polite, cordial, even friendly with them but I didn't really mind or care if we ever became real friends, why should the working world be any different? It is all part of being a working adult. 

I have this memory from 1997 in Singapore - this was just after I had finished with the army and I was enjoying my life as a civilian. I actually ran into someone from my army unit called Yong when I was at Boat Quay, he ran up to me and he actually looked pleased to see me. Now I could have been a total bitch and said something like, "Yong, I know who you are, of course I remember you, but what makes you think you and I have anything in common? I was only friendly with you because we were stuck in the same army unit and I had no choice but to work with you. Now that I am once again a civilian, we have no reason to pretend to be friends. Did you actually think we were friends?" Well, that's what I thought at that time but no, I chickened out - I didn't see the point in provoking him anyway. So I lied, I said, "hi Yong, nice to see you. I'm sorry I'm meeting my friends at McDonald's and aiyoh I'm already so late. I can't stop now, sorry, I must run. See ya, bye!" I think he said something like, "McDonald's is that way." But by that point, I had already said bye to him and was literally running down Boat Quay as if I was in a terrible hurry. I was actually on my own at that point - I had just spent some time with my real friends, people whom I chose to hang out with and liked, unlike Yong who was someone I was obliged to get along with because I was in the same army unit. Thus if that was the way I treated Yong, then why should the people I work with be any different? Did I put too much pressure on myself to get along with them? And if I didn't really connect with them, then could I have cut my losses, by recognizing that early enough and just finding another job?

There is a huge difference between people we choose to befriend because of certain qualities that we admire about them and people like Yong, whom we may have little or nothing in common with but find ourselves forced to create a working relationship with them regardless. Now you may say, don't be a big baby, we all have to do this at work; but the moment you finish work, you say bye to your colleagues then you get to go spend time with your real friends. That might be the harsh reality for a lot of people out there but wouldn't it be nice if the people you worked with are actually nice enough that you could honestly say, "yeah I like them, they're not just colleagues but good friends." But let's not treat it as if there's some kind of dichotomy between colleagues vs friends - it is in fact a sliding scale. Imagine just how relaxed you feel chilling with your best friend on a Saturday evening, that will be 10 on the scale. Now think about just how uncomfortable you feel when you are dealing with a teacher you really dislike at school - you hate that teacher but you're still obliged to hide your feelings as that teacher asks you a difficult question which you can't answer: make that 1 on that sliding scale. Everyone you meet at work is somewhere between 1 and 10 on that scale; my former colleagues fell mostly between 2 and 5 on that scale, whilst the two companies who have came through with that job offer, I would rate one of them at 9.5 (but alas that was the same guy I had to say no to as I didn't like the product) whilst I would rate the other company at an 8.5 - it's just I haven't known them for as long but I think that score has the potential to go even higher with time. As for Yong, I would put him at 1.5 and even then, I'm already being generous: no, I didn't like him at all.

When I was in the army, I didn't get a choice about whom I got to work with - I was told I had to work with Yong and that was it. I was recently in Panama, there was this lady at the reception of the hotel whom I got along well with and she had great social skills. That's a difficult job, this receptionist had no idea whom she is going to have to deal with, on a bad day she may encounter the most difficult and demanding guests who make unreasonable requests and shout at her. She just takes it all in her stride and always tries her best to help me with anything I needed. So her situation is quite similar to what I went through in the army in that she has zero control over the kind of people she has to deal with at work and by that token, it can't be an easy job. No, I wouldn't like to be in her position, the thought of showing up for work everyday at the front desk of that hotel hoping for the best but expecting the worst can't be a nice way to face the challenges at work. Whereas when I was working with Yong, I knew exactly what I was dealing with and knew what to expect with him, what I didn't realize was that I had slipped back into that mindset when I was in my last job. I remember this occasion: I was so surprised,  even shocked, when Yong actually did something right - he was given a task and he completed it on time without asking for any help. You know things are truly awful when you're pleasantly surprised at someone merely not fucking up. In fact, I had actually caught myself feeling the same way when I was pleasantly surprised at my colleagues in that company being nice or polite with me - it should be the norm, not something so unexpected, it feels like a 'bonus'. 

How do I feel right now? Well it's a mix of feelings - on one hand, I am just relieved to be out of that toxic environment where I had been unhappy. On the other hand, I'm frustrated that I had built so many good relationships with my clients there and they were quite shocked when I had to go round and tell them, "today's my last day here, I'm leaving the company". I have a 6-month non-compete clause in my contract which means I cannot speak to these clients for 6 months from the day I left my job. It is unusual that I actually had much better relationships with the clients I managed than my own colleagues within the company, but there you go, hindsight is 2020. When you play football, you should really be observing what the players from the other team are doing whilst trusting that your own teammates will cooperate with you as you have a common goal. So I am very frustrated that I have had to give up all of these projects that I had been doing with my clients. I'm guessing that the vast majority of these projects would just be abandoned given that I had mostly been dealing with French and Spanish speaking clients and there is simply no one left in the company who speaks those languages to take over those projects. I just can't foresee them using Google Translate to try to communicate with these clients so these projects will effectively be abandoned and thus that's all my hard work from the last 12 months going down the drain. But this also convinced me that I really want to be in a non-English speaking, non-British work environment for my next job in order to feel more at home, where my skills would be a lot more appreciated. 

So in summary, I have learnt the following lessons. Firstly, you can't ignore office politics, it would be naive to think that you're immune to it if you just look the other way. Secondly, you need to find an environment where your greatest strengths are valued and appreciated by your team. Thirdly, whilst we must be prepared to work with people like Yong, we shouldn't just accept the status quo by lowering our expectations to the point - no, we shouldn't compromise on our standards. I always believe that if a couple realize they are not right for each other, they ought to just get a divorce rather than stay together because they fall prey to sunk cost fallacy. And lastly, even if you do have a job offer (or even a few job offers) on the table, you shouldn't be lazy and stop looking. Finally, I want to make it clear that I'm not blaming anyone, I'm taking responsibility for everything that had gone so wrong as I don't think there's any point in trying to play the victim here - I knew what the challenges were and I thought I was able to deliver. I cannot possibly cover every aspect of this complex period of transition that I'm undergoing at the moment but I will be writing part 2 very shortly. For now, I am currently enjoying taking some time off - I'll be doing some acting in July (oh I am so excited about that project) followed by a short holiday in Europe but I also want to make sure I secure my next job before I think about going off to Singapore to see my family later in the year. Such is life I suppose, a month ago, I had no idea I was going to be this position but I had to adapt and improvise. I want to avoid being bitter and angry so I'd rather be pragmatic and optimistic. 

I shall finish by quoting what a close friend said to me recently, "Alex, there were so many things that happened to you in such a short time. I don't know how you deal with them - like when that guy chased you down the road with a huge knife in Panama. But somehow, no matter what life throws at you, you find a way to cope, to deal with it. Dealing with these unexpected situations is your nature and you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. We can't stop life from throwing us all these curved balls but we can be strong to deal with whatever may come our way and you're going to emerge from all of this just fine because you're strong and resilient. Some people will just give up, mope, sulk, cry, get so angry with the rest the world, end up bitter and resentful but you have moved past all that quickly to focus on being pragmatic and that's why I know you're going to be fine no matter what you choose to do next. You have my vote of confidence." Okay, that's it from me on this topic. Look out for part 2 coming up shortly where I will share more with you about this journey; I appreciate the support of my readers. Please leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.