Hi there guys, I had two different ideas for a blog post and have decided to combine the two. At first, I was going to write a funny blog post about the amount of attention I am getting on Instagram from young Chinese ladies looking for a sugar daddy. They would message me with photos of themselves in swimwear in a less than subtle attempt to get my attention and of course, I am rolling over with laughter as they are trying to seduce a gay man. Like seriously, can they not sense that I am gay from the content I post on Instagram? Like what do I have to do, post a video of myself dancing with a massive rainbow flag at a gay pride parade singing "I love willies" (I am not making that up - that's in fact a song from the UK sitcom The IT Crowd) before they realize, this man is gay - he likes men, not women, he won't be interested in me then. But no, they are really that clueless and as someone who works in sales and marketing, I am just shaking my head in disbelief as one of the basic principles for marketing is to understand your market. This reminded me of the incident from Russia where one of Putin's ministers was ridiculed by Putin himself when he actually suggested that Russia exported pork to Muslim-majority countries. This Russian minister was so ignorant that he didn't realize that Muslims are forbidden by their religion to consume pork. I receive a few of these messages a day on Instagram on both my Instagram accounts and this is just so funny as I swear I never got any attention from girls when I was in school or university - mostly because those girls I went to school with realized that I'm oh so gay - I'm a homosexual who likes men. I actually love the attention and I just find the whole situation utterly hilarious as I've never had women chasing me like that before!
Now in sharp contrast, I have a story from Singapore - this is when I realize how old I am because one of my former classmates has a son who is the same age as my nephew, I shall refer to this young man as Tiong (not his real name). My friend is highly concerned about Tiong at the moment because Tiong likes this girl at his school (whom I shall call Tanya, not her real name) - the situation is complicated as Tanya isn't reciprocating his feelings but nonetheless she does like the idea of having someone like Tiong interested in her (after all this must be all new for her too). I suppose she is in exactly the position as me - I am not interested in the Chinese women who approach me on Instagram but I do find their attention quite flattering. Tiong is distracted to say the least, instead of focusing on his exams, he is actually more focused on trying to get Tanya to like him more. Life would be a lot simpler if Tanya just said to him, "Tiong, I don't like you and I never will because you're not my type. I am a beautiful, attractive, charming young lady and thus I can probably find myself a boyfriend who is handsome, intelligent and rich - seriously, you can't even tick one of those three boxes, never mind all three. So please don't waste your time on me, just go find something more productive to do with your time like studying for your exams. But do look up the term 'friend zone' in the meantime please." But no, she isn't going to be that blunt with Tiong, instead she is merely treating him like a friend because she probably doesn't feel the need to hurt his feelings with a harsh rejection like that. As a result, Tiong is left so puzzled and perplexed - he has all these feelings for Tanya which are very sincere, but he is confounded by this as he just has no idea what to do to make her reciprocate.
I feel bad for Tiong as his parents don't know how to react to this situation - they have defaulted to the very Chinese response by telling him that he is too young to get into a relationship; at his age he should be focusing on his studies rather than thinking about dating girls. All that rhetoric is not helping him reconcile the situation in his head - for the record, Tiong is your typical Singaporean boy. He studies hard and get good grades at school, he is obedient who does as he is told; as far as his parents are concerned he is a good son and if you were to ask his teachers at school, they too would tell you that he is a good student. Thus in Tiong's head, he cannot understand why Tanya doesn't like him - after all, everyone from his parents and teachers are very satisfied with him, so why is Tanya not impressed? This is actually a simple matter of acknowledging that Tanya has different criteria when it comes to being impressed - she doesn't care if Tiong scores well in his exams, she probably would judge him on his appearance and how he presents himself. From what I have seen of Tiong, I can tell you that he's your typical male Singaporean teenager who has thick glasses, a strong Singaporean accent and doesn't make any effort with his appearances. Now his teachers and parents may not take issue with that but Tanya certainly has the right to say, "no thanks, he's not my type. Not at all! Oh please. I know what I am looking for, I know what I like and I'm sorry but Tiong doesn't fit the description at all." Is it too much for Tiong to realize that Tanya has the right to set her very own criteria as to what she finds attractive in a man? Tanya probably has posters of her favourite K-pop boy bands in her bedroom - and if I may be quite blunt, Tiong looks nothing like them.
What Tiong's parents ought to do at this stage is to try to explain how attraction works in romantic relationships, but will they actually bring themselves to explain to Tiong, "son, take a look in the mirror, what makes you think Tanya is going to be attracted to that if you make no effort to take care of yourself? You wanna attract Tanya's attention, you gotta start by being attractive and whilst daddy and mummy will always love you, even we have to admit you're not attractive. Like where do we begin? This is Jimin from BTS, Tanya is obsessed with him and do you bear any resemblance to him?" Okay I am exaggerating it for comedic purposes but you get the idea - if I were to put on my sales & marketing consultant hat to help Tiong in his quest for Tanya, I would first find out exactly what Tanya is looking out in her ideal man. I would then analyze how close Tiong could get to Tanya's wish list and we may be in a situation where it is just too impossible - the gulf is just too wide and I have to break it to Tiong that it is not going to happen. Or perhaps, if we can achieve some of the requirements of her list with some hard work and effort, then we have a mission on our hands. This process isn't rocket science really, it does remind me of what we go through when we hunt for a new job. So you read the list of requirements for the position and if you have fulfilled most or all of the requirements, then go ahead and apply, knowing your odds are pretty good. But if you've only fulfilled one or two out of a list of ten requirements for the job, you wouldn't even bother applying - the gatekeeper would just hit the delete button as you don't stand a realistic chance. I'm actually very methodical and pragmatic when it comes to processes like that, there's no point in crying over what you can't have.
What is the alternative to being so methodical and pragmatic then? Well, it is when people are so focused on their own perspectives that they totally fail to recognize that other people may have a different point of view - this is called having empathy and it is an important social skill to have. One needs to look at the issue from the other person's point of view: so for example, if a company is hire someone who can speak Korean because they have loads of Korean clients - it is pointless to tell the company, "I don't speak Korean but I'm willing to start learning Korean if necessary." No, it would take you far too long to master a new language and thus it would be far more straightforward for them to simply hire someone who is already fluent in Korean. By the same token, it's equally pointless telling them, "no I don't speak Korean but I am pretty fluent in Thai." They were not looking for someone who speaks Thai, so your ability to speak Thai wouldn't help in your quest to get the job because it is not what they're looking for. Now what I am describing here may sound very straightforward, like it is practically just common sense when you think about it but you'll be amazed how many people lack this basic common sense. In the case of Tiong, he is trying to apply for a position called 'Tanya's boyfriend' but he has totally failed to consider what Tanya's list of criteria for that position contains - he is simply so focused on his feelings, "but I really like her so much! I have never ever experienced such feelings for anyone like that before, that's why I must have her!" If I may be blunt that's an incredible amount of navel gazing on the part of Tiong, I shake my head in disbelief.
When I look at the issue through something like applying for a job that I really wanna get or to a university that I'm desperately hoping would accept me, sure I understand how bitter the disappointment can be when you don't get what you want - I'm not a monster, I'm capable of showing empathy to Tiong in this instance. However, let's put it this way: if a really good company like Google wants to hire a new head of global marketing, I apply for that job and get rejected: even someone like Tiong can quite easily figure out that two simple facts in this case. Firstly, I did not meet the criteria that Google had specified for this role and secondly, they have found someone else who was far more suitable for the job. This boils down to the fact that Tiong recognizes that Google would have the right to set the criteria for that position and to ultimately decide whom to hire for the job - he respects their authority in this context. So why is he having so much difficulty in recognizing the fact that Tanya in this context has those same rights to set her own criteria in terms of the kind of boyfriend she would like and thus it is her right to say no to Tiong? How can we actually try to get Tiong to see things from Tanya's point of view then? I recognize that Tiong is still very young and inexperienced in this aspect but young people like Tiong need to be taught how love and relationships actually work - that it has to be a two-way street and if the other party simply doesn't find you attractive, then there is no point in flogging a dead horse in trying to woo that person.
Why does Tiong have such a mental block when it comes to recognizing Tanya's right to choose then? I think part of it has got to do with his social media experience. Recently, I looked at a shirt on the Hawes & Curtis website that I thought looked rather nice - I even went to the shop in London to look at the shirt in person and decided that I didn't like it enough to buy it. What happened next was pretty unreal - every time I logged onto any kind of social media, I would be bombarded with an ad for that very shirt. The algorithm for that kind of targeted advertising has stunning accuracy: it knows that I've looked at this shirt and I am tempted to buy it - so it is going to keep showing me the ads until I give in (which I won't). But such is the nature of our social media experience: when we see something we like online, we're encouraged to go get it. "Just click on this link and buy it now, we'll have it delivered to your doorstep in 24 hours! It is so easy to shop on our website - you know you like it and want it!" We are constantly feeding these algorithms, telling them exactly what we like whenever we like content on platforms like Pintrest, Instagram and Facebook. Modern advertising has come a very long way in just the last ten years and Tiong has grown up in an environment where he is told by the advertising that he can have whatever he wants. So does Tiong have the emotional maturity to know the difference between wanting to buy a nice shirt and wanting to date a nice girl that he likes? Social media has blurred the lines: after all - Tanya also has a social media presence and Tiong has faithfully followed and liked everything she has put out there.
If I liked every Hawes & Curtis ad I saw, then they would know, "aha, this man likes our products, let's send him more ads, tempt him with a special offer on a limited edition product." That's how the feedback loop works in online advertising, the more I like what they send me, the more targeted their approach will be once they figure which one of their products I like the most. But that's a clothing brand that has plugged into this very intelligent advertising algorithm - what about Tiong being obsessed with Tanya's social media content then? Allow me to compare this to two other relationships that Tiong has in his life that is dominated by social media: firstly, Tiong goes to a local church and for much for the pandemic, they have conducted all their services online. So Tiong would faithfully follow everything they post, he would like every post, leave positive comments which in turn receive likes from other church members. There is a lot of that going on amongst the church members so they all walk away feeling very positive about being a part of that church community. Tiong also supports a football club in the English premier league - he watches all their matches, buys their merchandise and participates in their social media in much the same way as he does with his church. Again, they have created a very positive feedback loop for Tiong to really make him feel a part of the club (even if he lives so far away in Singapore) - the cynic in me says that they just wanna sell him more expensive merchandise but I recognize that they have managed to make Tiong feel like a part of that community as well so that sense of belonging that Tiong experiences with them is real.
In the examples of Tiong's church and his favourite football team, there is a well constructed feedback loop where he constantly receives positive feedback and the more attention he spends on their social media feed, the more he feels he is a part of that community because of this stream of positive feedback. Am I cynical? Of course I am, I would have the same relationship with Hawes & Curtis if I spent more time on their website and when I went to their store, I met this very charming sales assistant who kept telling me how good I would look in their clothes - but of course, that positive feedback was done with one objective in mind, to try to get me to spend as much money as possible in their store. So allow me to do a comparison: what do Hawes & Curtis, Tiong's church and Tiong's favourite football club have in common? They all want something from us. Both Hawes & Curtis and the football club want us to spend loads of money on their products, it is a commercial relationship at heart. As for Tiong's church, they want Tiong to keep coming back week after week and bring more of his friends to that church to grow that congregation. All three of these do want something from people like Tiong, but what about Tanya - does she really want anything from Tiong? I do know that she finds his attention flattering but let's make things clear: Tanya never did anything to try to attract Tiong's attention, Tiong was the one who offered it to her. So she has been given something she wasn't looking for in the first place and doesn't quite know what to do with that - after all, she is just focused on her exams right now, rather than looking for a boyfriend.
Is it condescending of me to assume that Tiong can't tell the difference amongst the different kinds of relationships on social media as discussed above? Perhaps, but then again, like so many young people of his generation, Tiong has rather poor social skills. To be fair, Tiong's relationship with his church and favourite football team has been "successful"; he offers them his time, attention and money and in return, they have made him feel like he is a genuine part of their community. Both parties are very happy in that arrangement, even if one could argue that Tiong's relationship with his favourite football team is a very one-way relationship. He's never going to get to meet the goalkeeper or the manager, he's never going to get to train with them but he doesn't let details like that bother him. Thus it seems like his approach to wooing Tanya is based on the way he has committed his time, attention and money to his church and his favourite football team, except Tanya's not interested in what he has to offer. Thus when faced with such a situation, if Tiong had any natural business acumen, he should be able to ask himself, "if this approach doesn't work, what can I do instead to achieve the aim of getting Tanya to like me?" Some young people can figure all this out by themselves whilst others would need some help - clearly, Tiong is the latter. He isn't stupid per se (I know for a fact that he is a good student), but the kind of skills he needs to woo Tanya are clearly not covered in his academic curriculum and hence he is actually quite clueless. I wonder how someone like Tiong would pick up such skills if he cannot figure this out for himself?
What would happen then to someone like Tiong then? Allow me to talk about an old classmate, let's call her Anna (not her real name). She was my former classmate from VJC and I kept in touch with her all these years - when she was in her 20s, she dated this Indian guy who had been educated abroad, very rich and successful, witty, handsome and I thought, well done Anna, he's quite a catch. Then Anna balked at idea of marrying an Indian guy because her parents were very traditionally Chinese, that's another way of saying her parents were racist and didn't approve of their daughter marrying an Indian man. She was so afraid of upsetting her parents that she left this Indian guy and eventually married a Singaporean-Chinese guy whom she thought her parents would feel a lot more comfortable with as a son-in-law. I rolled my eyes and thought, Anna you're looking for a husband for yourself, you're not looking for a son-in-law for your parents: why do you care what your parents think? It is your happiness that's at stake here and you're sacrificing it to make your parents happy? Wouldn't your parents want you to marry a man you love to spend the rest of your life with? Anna's husband isn't good looking, he isn't charming or witty. He is educated and has decent job, he actually reminds me of Anna's father and I can see Tiong turning into a man like Anna's husband in like 10 or 15 years. Anna's husband is extremely lucky to get a wife like her, but such were the unusual circumstances of their relationship. Anna had clearly compromised to make her Chinese parents happy rather than feel like she had married the man of her dreams. Is this the best case scenario for Tiong then, or is there an element of "守株待兔" to pin all your hopes on an outcome like that?
Anna and her husband are an exception to the norm - admittedly their circumstances are rather bizarre but yes, Anna did break up with a handsome, charming, rich and successful guy to marry a man who was none of the above. Someone like Tiong might even look at the case study of Anna to justify not having to do anything to change himself, to make himself more appealing and attractive. Is Tiong likely to find a woman like Anna in the future? I don't know but I would say that's quite unlikely to find someone who would compromise the way Anna did. Am I being incredibly harsh on Anna's husband? Yes I am, perhaps unfairly so. One could turn this around and argue that beauty is in the eye of the beholder - one man's meat is another man's poison. Thus I can only describe what I like and find attractive, but that's just my opinion and another person might have a totally different opinion. In the meantime though, I think Tiong could certainly use a few lessons when it comes to grooming, dressing and learning to take better care of himself. Once you make yourself more attractive and put yourself out there on social media, then some people would naturally notice you in due course and you can take your pick amongst your admirers. That's exactly what I have done on social media - the amount of attention I'm getting from both men and women just on a platform like Instagram is pretty unreal as I never ever got this much attention when I was a teenager or in my 20s! Ironically of course, that's what Tanya has done already - she wasn't hunting for a boyfriend or a husband, but she is just a confident teenager expressing her identity on social media.
I don't want to come across as too harsh - gosh I remember what it was like as an 18 year old. Don't forget, as a gay man, I was feeling extremely frustrated because I knew I couldn't fall in love with any of my straight male friends, this was before we had the internet in the early 1990s so I had no way of seeking other gay men. I supposed to coped with it by simply telling myself that I couldn't have what I wanted - I suppose it wasn't that hard as I had gotten quite used to not getting what I wanted by then. Believe you me, when you grow up in a poor working class family, you get quite used to seeing your classmates with their expensive toys and branded shoes - you can only look on with envy and try to hide your jealousy as they tell you about their amazing holidays in exotic countries. Yup, by the time I was starting to fall in love, I had gotten pretty used to the concept of "I can't have what I like". Contrast that to Tiong, who has relatively rich parents who can buy him anything he wants from Nike trainers to the latest iPhone to his favourite computer games - Tiong has also visited loads of beautiful countries on holiday in his childhood. He certainly hasn't grown up with the message "I can't have what I like" - he is quite used to getting what he wants. So for example, if he asks his parents, "can we go to Japan on holidays?" His parents would say, "okay, if you score really well in the exam, then we will go to Japan" and sure enough, he aces his exams and off they went to Tokyo Disneyland. This kid is quite used to getting what he wants but no, he can't have Tanya and that frustrates him. I just roll my eyes and think, "oh now you are upset that you can't have what you want for once in your life? Get used to it, this is but the first of many disappointments for you in life."
Finally, I want to deal with something that Tiong's mother has said to me - she accused Tanya of being a vain girl ("hiau chabor"), toying with Tiong's feelings just because she wants attention. Without having witnessed Tiong and Tanya actually interacting in person, I don't think I can comment on this allegation but I do think Tanya is in a difficult position. After all, if she is Tiong's classmate, they still do have to face each other in school everyday (at least until the end of the academic year), so simply being blunt with Tiong to say, "look dude, I don't think you're attractive, I know you like me but you just have to respect the fact that I don't feel the same way about you. Sorry but you just have to learn to deal with that as an adult." To be fair, I think Tanya's been put in a no-win situation. If she said to Tiong, "let's go on a date and get to know each other better, are you free this Sunday?" Tiong's mother would freak out and say that Tiong should be focusing on his studies given how close his exams are rather than going out on a date. But if she rejects Tiong outright, then she would accuse Tanya of being too cruel in breaking his heart at this crucial time just before the exams, leaving him too emotionally distraught to study. But even when Tanya does neither, Tiong's mother accuses her of stringing Tiong along just because she enjoys having an admirer like that. My take on the situation is that Tiong's mother is going to hate Tanya no matter what she does and that as a parent, it should really be her responsibility to teach her son how to deal with such a situation and control all his emotions, rather than put all the blame on Tanya. Did she not notice that her son has already become a young adult in the meantime? Or did she still think that Tiong was a prepubescent young kid then?
So there you go, that's it from me on this issue. What do you think? Will someone like Tiong ever learn how to get the attention of Tanya? Or will they simply default to marrying someone even less attractive just to make sure they are not left on the shelf? Are you an older man like me who gets a lot of attention on social media from complete strangers looking for a sugar daddy? Have you ever met anyone like Anna before who has compromised for all the wrong reasons? What do you think Tanya ought to do in this situation in order to avoid any conflict with Tiong and his family? Why are Singaporeans so very hopeless when it comes to social skills? Please leave a comment below, many thanks for reading.
I have met many "bitter Tiongs" who are adult men that feel entitled to pretty younger women even if they are old, poor, ugly, and have a bad attitude. It is so disgusting, I hope Tiong learns very fast that he can have nice things but he has to work for them. The thing about relationships is that people don't feel the need for self improvement as much as other things in life because it's considered vain. Also people like to say "there is someone for everybody." Nobody would scold someone for wanting a degree in astrophysics to improve their ability to earn money, but somehow people frown upon someone buying the services of a personal stylist to look better. But at the same time people acknowledge not everyone can be an astrophysicist who makes a decent salary, one has to be good with maths, observation, and have good work ethic to make it. We don't tell the same things about relationships, even though for many people some skills can be trained. Though to be fair in recent times people have started saying "anyone can be a college graduate making decent money", and young people fall in love with that fantasy and don't think they have to meet certain difficult criteria to secure a good job. People just don't think rationally when they fall in love with things.
ReplyDeleteHi Amanda, I don't think it's a sense of entitlement at least in the case of Tiong, he is just a kid with very, shockingly poor social skills. In his life, he has always been able to get what he wants (ref: the Tokyo Disneyland example) mostly because his parents are super generous with him. The only other thing which challenges him is his education - he wants straight As, he knows how to get them - he works hard, gets the help he needs et voila, mission accomplished: he gets the results he wants. However, in this case, no one is willing to tell him what he needs to do to win Tanya's heart and if I were to tell him something like, "you're a geeky nerd with no sense of style, girls hate that. We need to fix that if you want girls to notice you." I'm sure if I actually did that for him, he might accept my help quite happily but I know his mother would be like, "no no no no no he can't go around chasing girls, he needs to study for now, girlfriends can wait." So people like me back off and Tiong is left clueless, frustrated and unable to get what he wants.
DeleteLook, we often take lessons when we want to learn difficult things: we take driving lessons, we take lessons to learn how to play a musical instrument or a foreign language, let's not pretend trying to woo someone romantically is easy - hell no, it is very difficult indeed and there are very, very few people teaching 'dating tips' so people like Tiong are left in the dark - clueless, not knowing what to do to achieve what they want and frustrated because they are able to fix other areas of their lives but they can't get help in this aspect.
Nobody has the heart to tell Tiong, holy shit dude, look in the mirror, you're a mess, no girl is going to like that. No way. So people like my mother start putting geeky ugly nerds on a pedestal - if a girl like Tanya dresses nicely and posts a selfie of herself looking stunning on Instagram, my mother (and Tiong's mother) would accuse her of being a cheap slut desperate for attention. They have demonized people like Tanya (and for that matter, myself - since I post vain selfies on Instagram too) to justify not making any effort to make themselves look attractive. That's the kind of environment I grew up in and that's why my vanity is off the charts as I have rebelled against that kind of thinking. I was nearly late for a conference call this morning as I stopped to take selfies on myself in front of a brand new art installation near my office.
Oh shit you're right about Asian society demonizing vain people. I mean, as a woman I get demonized for even looking somewhat beyond plain and taken less seriously in my job. But well, it could be a case of people envying people who "have it all." It's like people think you can either have good grades or be good-looking but not both, and having or pursuing both is just being greedy. But of course the non good-looking people envy the good-looking people probably even more than the non-nerds envy the nerds.
DeleteWestern society doesn't act like this though, instead the good-looking people are extremely valued, maybe because university admissions aren't entirely grades-based. Also one simply can't survive without charm in any job. I mean I had a difficult time transitioning to the US because there's so much collaboration, presentations, and social events. If you don't fit in at the office in the US, that will cause way more problems than in Asia.
Alex I have mentioned I've been going to therapy lately, and what I've found is that I used to be one of those people who used grades as a way to distract myself from my other problems. It's like I thought as a teen "I don't have time to work on my appearance/social life, I have a science career to chase. When I become a scientist all my problems will be solved." I still have the same issues as Tiong in my 20s, but since I no longer have the pursuit of grades to distract me I can finally work on fixing them. It just saddens me when parents themselves probably haven't even fixed their own problems that they think its fine for someone like Tiong to delay improving his social skills till maybe after university.
Oh Amanda, people do get insanely jealous of those who are more attractive than them, so one way to cope with that jealousy is to demonize them. You've experienced it, I've experienced it, I've seen my mother really demonize some other women because she fears my father's wandering eyes may notice that another woman is more attractive. You get the idea, we need to learn to deal with our emotions in a healthy way. If I feel like there's something wrong with my image or body, I would then deal with it in a more healthy way. So like today, I put on a nice suit and I felt, oh this feels a bit tight around the waist. So instead of demonizing thin people, I had a salad for lunch. A tuna nicoise salad so at least it was a pretty nice lunch which I had with an iced coffee (without sugar) but I denied myself carbs at lunchtime whilst my boss had a big bowl of fries with his sandwich. That's my way of feeling in control of my waistline and then I went to the gym tonight as well despite feeling quite tired. It's all about learning to rationalize your emotions and choosing a constructive course of action.
DeleteBut you're right about how much more important social skills are in the West and how we have had to adapt to these new conditions - this is one of the main reasons why I really want my nephew to spend a few years in the West doing his degree here so as he may grow and learn. I wish we were in the same city then I can be more of a friend to you to help you deal with these issues relating to your social life - after all, I'm autistic too and I have had more time than you to figure out the answers. It's like approaching a blind skier for skiing tips - that actually makes a lot of sense because the able-bodied skiers do a lot of stuff instinctively without even thinking after years of skiing but for a blind skier, they have a whole new perspective about what they have to do to ski competitively, to achieve the same kind of speed and style without seeing anything.
The irony is that whilst I am so harsh with myself to improve my social skills, I also become critical of other people. My colleague today made a dumb joke that I just rolled my eyes at rather than laugh because it wasn't funny. And I'm like, excuse me, I'm the autistic one here - you're not autistic yet your social skills are so much worse than mine. Duh.
As for Tiong's mother's response, I have two points to make. Firstly, she doesn't have all the answers, I don't think her social skills are that great (but I remind you that I have raised the bar very high, ref: me getting annoyed at my colleague for not making me laugh when he tried to make a joke). I'm not sure if she is the best person to guide Tiong in this process and it's not like she's totally hopeless when it comes to social skills, her social skills are not too bad but she's had more time to figure it out (she's my age). My second point is that even if you have someone like me attempt to teach Tiong social skills, even I can't guarantee success if he does really turn out to be a terrible student. I am reminded of his woman who comes to my gymnastics club every now and then, she is so hopeless that she gets 1 on 1 attention from one of the coaches but she still can't do anything beyond the very, very basic. She has no core strength, she is totally uncoordinated and she is just plain clumsy. Like gymnastics is totally the wrong sport for her. Even if you said to me, "Alex I've seen your gymnastics videos on social media, you're a former national champion and a qualified gymnastics coach, why don't you teach her and then she will improve?" My reply to that would be, no - even the best coach in the world can't help that woman. Thus if Tiong is as hopeless as I think he is when it comes to social skills, then there's not that much his parents can do - like I know they do try to help him but there's only so much they can achieve in that department if he is really such a terrible student.
DeleteThus my point is that I don't want to be too harsh on Tiong's mother - after all she's been put in a very difficult and challenging situation with no simple solution.
DeleteOh yeah unattractive people can be very cruel to attractive people. My best friend is really pretty and has always been charming since she was a kid. She told me in kindergarten she would always walk up to anybody and smile and say "Hi my name is X! Nice to meet you!" Meanwhile I was the toddler who didn't say a word to anybody and played alone that my parents thought I was mute/mentally disabled until primary school. But anyway, all throughout school girls would make up shitty rumors about my best friend if a guy they liked turned out to have a huge crush on her instead. I guess that's why we're best friends, because although I use science to hide from my social problems at least it prevents me from lashing out at people more successful than me.
DeleteAww thanks, I think you would be a great social skills coach. I mean you are a suave salesman in finance after all haha. Btw I didn't even think of coming to the UK being good for your nephew besides being able to attend a more reputable university than SIM. The Western emphasis of needing good social skills definitely helps, especially for an autistic person who doesn't have their social skills challenged too much while growing up in Singapore. Also the western professors will demand one speak up a lot(and in a charming way) because participation marks are huge. I once attended an engineering class last year where participation was 30% of the final grade. In Singapore it is maximum 5%, maybe 10%, because they care more about exams.
I don't think Tiong is hopeless, but it will require major surgery to improve. Oh gosh I am struggling at work lately because of the charm aspect of the job. But I work for a former athlete who is very charming, and he complains about my lack of charm almost every month and demands I improve. I doubt Tiong's future employer is going to go easy on him either, unless this employer similarly has bad social skills. I have worked with other scientists/engineers who are socially awkward and don't demand I change anything, and there were plenty who were more successful than my current boss. But to be fair when I worked with the awkward scientists who didn't challenge my social skills my social life wasn't great because I couldn't get much people to like me and talk to me. Right now I've practiced getting people to like me so much for work that it also helps my personal life.
What your best friend has gone through is relatable - unattractive people can be quite cruel, that's them lashing out because of their insecurity. As for me being a suave businessman, I'm very corporate. That's not the same as being suave and romantic, I'm friendly but in a formal way at work. This enables me to pretend to be interested in people, I fake it - my boss left me with two of his clients there other day. I didn't like them, I wasn't interested in them, I knew that my boss was simply running late and I just had to chat with them until my boss came running along. So under such circumstances, I stay formal but engaging, I'm a great listener, I let the other party talk about whatever they wanna talk about but at no point did they realize just how bored I was and how I wished my boss would hurry the hell up and come to take over. It's just an 'act' that I've perfected over the years - older people like me, I've had the benefit of time to become better at what I do for a living.
DeleteBut yes, my nephew really needs to study abroad for those reasons that you've outlined. You've been put in an environment where you can indeed grow and learn and I'm happy that I'm part of your journey Amanda.
I have no idea how you have developed the patience and the acting skills to pretend to be interested in someone. My roommate recently asked me to try her cooking and I said "not bad", and then we started talking about how I can't seem to compliment people unless I mean it because I can't act it well enough for it not to sound fake, even though that's the nice thing to do. But then again you're an actor haha, if KFC tomorrow asked you to be filmed eating KFC and pretend you love it then you can definitely make it believable.
DeleteYeah I know you can be a bit harsh sometimes in your blog criticizing people with bad social skills you come across, but to me that puts an identifiable label on the problem and makes it sound fixable. For most of my life I thought there was just something wrong with me that whatever I say will just tick people off, but after reading your blog I see that isn't true, I just have really shitty social skills.
I'm just thinking, since you said your nephew has a very privileged life with many adults to help him, perhaps thats why his parents are okay with him going to SIM. A poor student with no family connections needs to get into NUS or a mid-tier school so their degree has enough recognition to secure a job on its own. But if the prestige of the degree isn't a big deal, then might as well have fun going abroad too.
Well Amanda, that's what happens when you're doing a job. I have the patience because I'm being paid to play that role - it's a bit like a nurse in a hospital walking from patient to patient, at the end of a long shift, she probably is exhausted and just wants to go home but she still has to maintain that front. Likewise, a prostitute is no different when she has to pleasure a paying client no matter how old and gross the client is. By that token, I'm doing the same thing with the clients - there are clients I do like and get along well with, but gosh there was one guy today, I didn't like him but would he have any clue about how I feel? Of course not, I wouldn't let him know - I go into this formal corporate mode when I engage people professionally like that rather than slip into any kind of more personal interaction the way real friends would.
DeleteI have auditioned for KFC ads before but have yet to appear in one. But I have done ads for Walkers potato crisps (ie. potato chips in the rest of the world but we call them crisps here), Lucozade, Snickers, Uncle Ben's ready meals, Cadbury chocolate, Heineken beer and a rather upmarket Food Hall brand in London. So yes, I am no stranger to food advertising.
Oh a lot of people think they can't improve their social skills but they actually can. But the challenge is that it is always freaking hard trying to figure anything out on your own - try teaching yourself a new sport, a new musical instrument or a new foreign language, it's so hard but it becomes a lot more manageable with the help of a good teacher/coach. It's easy to find say a tennis coach, it's a lot harder to find a social skills coach.
As for my nephew going to SIM, we don't know yet. We're hoping it wouldn't come to that of course but we shall see. I think my sister and my brother in law are just so focused on the present that they have not thought enough about his university education yet - especially since he must get NS out of the way first before he can start university.
So this is why employers in the west look for soft skills. It's unreal how much people need to "act" every single day. As soon as I get a car I think I'm going to volunteer to do some charity work. I've never worked in a service role before, every job I've had is 90% alone time with equations/code. I think in an environment where I have to talk to people constantly and be friendly my social skills would improve a lot faster.
DeleteCool I didn't know you did that many ad commercials too. Heineken beer makes really good commercials, they were played a lot before movies in the theatres in Sg.
I can handle training myself in other things, but I consult textbooks for that. With social skills there aren't as much textbooks because most people just know this stuff automatically, but not everyone can pass high school calculus as easily hence people write books about it. It's like how very few people in the UK speak a language such as Xhosa (language from South Africa) that they don't put up signs in Xhosa in the UK.
Yeah I forgot about NS for boys in Singapore. 2 years is a long time to think about what to do and where to go for uni.
I don't think soft skills are thaaaat rare - I remember my last trip to the states, the waiters were super nice to you and once they hear my accent, they'll be like, "oh where are you from? Where are you visiting in the US? Are you enjoying your trip? Do you need suggestions about where to visit? Etc". Of course, they offer such friendly service cos they wanna earn a nice tip from you and that's just the way things are done in America. Do these waiters actually care about me? No, but they are just putting on an act to earn their tip and I am happy to pay for that kind of good service. Talk about an environment where you have to talk to people constantly, be friendly and rely on your social skills!
DeleteI've done a ton of commercials when I was younger, more good looking and had a head full of hair. I've not done an ad in years I swear. I've been fascinated with Xhosa ever since I've heard 'the click song' - look up the video 'the click song the voice south africa' on Youtube and it's a Bantu language with a lot of clicks. It's one of the reasons I want to visit South Africa one day.
Oh and I found out that 'young Dave' who is nearly half my age closed a deal that earned him in about 1.66 m USD. One point six-six million US dollars. He's like 24 years old. I'm kinda intimidated to be honest. On one hand, yeah my boss gave him that lead, he worked with that client for a few months and then managed to close them. I am left thinking, okay I can make that kind of money too. But on the other hand, there's a part of me that's thinking, but we're such different people. He goes in there and just charms people before talking business - whereas I'm very corporate and formal, I think I have more credibility if you wanna talk about an investment proposition; like who do you wanna trust? The posh boy who didn't even go to university (why bother if you're making millions in your early 20s) or the very corporate Asian guy who is far more technically astute? There are just times when I think, yeah but can I make it work? If Young Dave can do it his way, I can make this work for me by doing it my way?
DeleteHmm... I guess you could argue I am better off as a "Tiong" type person than a young waiter who has to charm people for a living. People do love technology after all, but not so much the math behind it. But like you said before industries have huge ranges of pay. Someone good at math could either be making a pittance being a math tuition teacher (a bit similar to being a gymnastics coach), or making millions coding trading algorithms for a hedge fund. Similarly a charming person could either be a waiter or someone who hands out flyers, or an actor or salesperson in finance (hey you're both!).
DeleteXhosa is the language spoken by the Wakandans in Black Panther! It does surprise me how many languages South Africa has, who knew one country could have so many ethnic groups? Afrikaans is even a "daughter language" of Dutch.
Dave didn't go to college? Omg... Btw he reminds me of another guy you mentioned who grew up rich and went to Brighton because he messed up his A levels. You said he just charms other rich British people into letting him handle their investments by talking about their rich lifestyle. I guess you'll just have to look for the extremely straight-laced types then, the ones who want the highest return on investment and not a banker they can have a beer with.
Btw I haven't really mentioned this before, but I notice some people tend to trust rich kids whose parents were already successful because it means they "grew up in the industry." I work in science/tech, but I'm a 3rd generation because my father and grandfather also did similar things. When I tell that to people who grew up rich, they are extremely happy and trust me more because the concept of "happy family memories" of training your child to go into the same industry resonates with them. But when I tell working class people that, they think it's unfair I was handed opportunities I didn't have to work for or prove my talent to obtain.
My guess is that "young Dave" has an added advantage from growing up wealthy because he can connect with his clients about being wealthy. I'm assuming his clients are mostly wealthy people who grew up wealthy because social mobility isn't that easily achieved.
In response to your first point, it's a question of how you monetize your skills - I know of brilliant gymnastics coaches who earn so little because they haven't found a way to monetize their skills. This is exactly as you've described the difference between a charming waiter and someone who uses their social skills to work in sales like me. I think you need a lot more than skills per se, there's business acumen as well to pick a path that leads to more money.
DeleteOh yeah the African linguistic landscape is so fascinating once you take a closer look at the large number of languages there but as in the case of South Africa or Nigeria, there are so many languages that people default to using English to understand each other which is convenient for us but also kinda sad as it makes local languages a lot less important.
Dave didn't go to university - he had good grades at school and could have easily done it but he thought, what's the point? And contrast that to my friend who has just finished her first degree and now is spending one year at business school - I'm just shaking my head. Good grief. Like you wanna learn about business, you get a job and you gain some real work experience, you're not gonna learn about business in a university type environment. But I'm not sure I know her well enough to have that discussion with her given that we're just friends at gymnastics. I'm sure even if Dave did go to university, he would have been fine there but it just goes to show, if you already have the basic business acumen to make millions like that at the age of 24, then Dave clearly doesn't need to go to university as he's probably a lot smarter than the teaching staff at any university who have not made several millions by the age of 24. My boss told me yesterday that he is already in his mid-50s and he is putting together a team that will run this business in like 5 years time when he wants to retire; so he said that Dave and I are a good mix, we're very different but that's the whole point of a team. You put together people with complimentary skills, not people with exactly the same skills. So basically we all know I'm nothing like Dave but that's the whole point I'm part of the team.
I do twist the working class roots thing to my advantage - I often tell people things like "and my father doesn't even speak English" and I exaggerate the whole story about how poor I was as a kid because it then means I achieved all this with no help at all, I had to fight for every success I had in life whereas rich kids like Dave have had every single privilege given to them from the moment they were born; so people will think, "okay this guy is the real deal, he has clearly proven himself over and over again." It's just a different way to win the trust of people of course and it's how you present that story. I know of another lovely story of another guy who was from an even poorer family than me but also working in banking today and I'll share that story with you later.
Yes monetization is important! I've heard there are many YouTubers who make good content and have a decent amount of subscribers (500k+) who are struggling to get by. It surprised me when I read an article about how some of the people on the buzzfeed YouTube channel, a channel with millions of subscribers, have to work full-time in retail at clothing stores or coffee shops to make ends meet. Skilled does not equal profitable, there is an element of business acumen on top of other skills to be prosperous.
DeleteYes Africa has a very diverse linguistic landscape, that it's a shame it's going the way of South America where previously they had many different civilizations and languages but now everyone speaks either Portuguese or Spanish. I was watching a documentary about food(Chef's table BBQ on Netflix) about how the Spanish and Portuguese colonialists tried to erase every bit of native culture as they could, mostly through language and religion, but some of it survived in terms of cooking.
I think with Dave he was confident he already had the social capital to gain a good job, especially considering that in his field one has to be trained on the job anyway to get good at it. With your friend going to business school, I presume this is an MBA and is done for networking purposes. It does make me question why I'm in academia instead of industry after my first degree. And I was in industry for a brief while(6 months), but 1) I was paid a pittance, 2) I didn't learn anything interesting, and 3) I couldn't see a pathway to be promoted the prestigious research and development job from an entry level job.
Well yeah I doubt a firm of only Dave type salespeople can succeed on its own. What if some really old Asian investor wants to invest her money in the firm and you're a better fit to talk to her than this young rich boy? It is a different way to gain trust to mention your working class roots, what you lack in experience and connections over a rich kid you made up in talent and drive. Also people do respect those who worked their way up, especially in critical roles where being a lazy rich kid could easily bankrupt the company.
Hi Amanda, it's very late now and I'll reply another time but I've just uploaded the photos from the housewarming I attended on Instagram. He has two tennis courts, a swimming pool, stables for the horses, a private playground for the kids which is crazy big and get this: a massive lake with an island only accessible by boat. The amount of land it is sitting on is just insane as there's then this slope with an ornamental garden gazebo at the top of the hill but it's so far away I didn't walk there but all that land is his - he has no neighbours for miles and these are kind of people I work with. I must say, I could be intimidated (and that would be a natural response) but instead, I just hid my insecurity and had a lovely time there with my husband at the party. https://www.instagram.com/p/CTazJ6DI0N8/
DeleteOh and Dave met my husband - and Dave remembered so many details about my husband (he has asked me about my husband on previous occasions in the past, I didn't think he would remember a thing) and my husband was like, woah how does he know so much about what I do? Then Dave introduced me to this guy (equally young, let's call him Harry) and Harry said "oh Dave told me that you worked with med-tech etc." And my hubby was like whaaaaat? Not only did Dave remember everything about my hubby, he also told Harry everything about me and my hubby - it got to the point where I'm like, woah, is this is formula? To remember everything about everyone he ever meets in the industry so is that why they like him?
Hey you told me the housewarming was this weekend, hope you had fun. Those looked like martinis? That mansion looks like something out of crazy rich Asians or Prince Harry and Meghan's Frogmore cottage. Two tennis courts? As if one wasn't enough? I have only known two of my Dad's friends who have properties that large. One guy had his own private island that was only reachable by helicopter and had supplies flown in weekly with live-in servants on the island. But of course he is ridiculously wealthy, probably worth at least 9 figures in US dollars or British pounds. The other guy had a private villa complex in Bali with a large pool and koi fish pond in the back, complete with a sauna. I used to visit that property often as a kid because my Dad's friend sometimes let him use it.
DeleteNo need to feel insecure Alex, one has to be not just in the top 1%, but maybe the top 0.01% to own such properties. But this whole being around super-rich people puts a lot of things about employment, wages, and income in perspective. Both those two rich friends of my dad owned huge companies, one was in telecomm, and the other in oilfield equipment. Likewise your boss owns a finance firm that closes 1.66 million pound deals on the regular. To truly be super-rich one has to own either a very profitable company or own an intellectual property that pays royalties(e.g patents, music, movies, etc.). But that says nothing about how intelligent super-rich people are to create such profits/IP, only that they own it and their salaried workers don't.
A lot of people are easily impressed by someone with good memory. Or Dave could just be a huge gossip around his friends about his work life haha. Either way he sounds like a really cool and friendly dude who knows his way around the workplace. I wish I was that calm and charismatic. For me it's a struggle just to walk up to someone and ask them about their personal life.
Oh that was some kinda cocktail but I told the bartender to make mine without alcohol, I am not a drinker but I thought the presentation was cute and good for Instagram. And yeah, two tennis courts? Oh they had a freaking trampoline as well but I wasn't dressed for gymnastics so I didn't get on it. Let me tell you about the hellish journey I had there. Being me, we took the train there early. The train was like an hour outta London and so I go there so early I thought, hey let's play tourists and see the following attractions locally before going to the party. So we did that (it's a small town neither my husband and I have ever been to) and then we tried to get a taxi but this being a small rural place, every taxi company said, "did you book ahead? Sorry we have no cars available now." So at first I thought, damn are we gonna miss the party or walk 8 km? Then we chanced upon a bus stop and there was a bus that would take us to the bottom of the road where the house was and we thought yay, we're saved by the bus - long live public transport ad the bus did come in 5 minutes so all was good.
DeleteThen we double checked the directions with the bus driver and he said okay I will drop you at the junction there, you just walk up that road. So we walked, and we walked and we walked and 20 minutes later we were still walking like how long is this road? Then we finally saw a sign that said "house warming this way!" And then there was a gate and I thought we finally made it! Yeah right. We went through the gate and then we walked up his driveway which went on and on and on for another like 5-6 minutes walking time and which point my feet hurt as I was wearing nice shoes for the party not hiking boots for walking miles and miles. It was just that, "we're in his house already, we've past the front gate, I can hear music coming from that direction but why can't I see the house yet?!" It was almost like a scene out of a comedy movie where I just had to turn up looking like something the cat dragged in after an epic hike like that because I failed to book a taxi. Thankfully, the trip home was so much more normal as we did get a taxi in advance after having learnt our lesson.
I'm quite good at hiding my insecurities, even if I am feeling nervous I hide it well. But then again, this Harry I spoke to grew up in Zimbabwe and he seemed surprised that I wasn't shocked by the concept of white Africans who were born and bred in Africa. And I was like, "so do you speak Xhosa or Shona?" And he was like, you speak an African language as if I just produced a third arm. And I said, oh I have memorized the lyrics of a song I like in Xhosa and I started singing Qongqothwane ('the click song') complete with the famous clicks. And he was like, I've never seen an Asian person do the clicks before, like there are Chinese people in Africa but they just speak English to get by and communicate there. I didn't know anything about Harry but I knew something about the culture from his part of the world and that impressed me.
Sorry typo: and that impressed HIM. But let me finish by telling you about this other older guy who tried to do the same thing but failed. He found out through the conversation that I was Chinese and spoke Mandarin. He had been to China and knew about 8, maybe 10 words in Mandarin and he started telling me what those 10 words were and I was totally poker face. My instinct was to say, "I've just sang a Xhosa song complete with the right clicks and you wanna follow up with your 10 words of Mandarin? I've set the bar pretty high, I now want you to sing 月亮代表我的心 with perfect pronunciation and you'd better get all the tones right." But then again, this older guy was rich - it's people like me who needs social skills, he just gets away with being a bull in a china shop. But it wasn't like he was being nasty, he was looking down on me for not being rich enough, he wasn't racist - he was actually trying to be nice and connect with me by demonstrating that he knew something but my culture but oh boy, his attempts were pathetic. I set the bar pretty darn high when it comes to social skills.
DeleteCome to think of it, Dave would never make that mistake - his social skills are a lot better. He has asked me to teach him Mandarin before, he humbles himself before me by acknowledging the obvious, ie. he can establish rapport with me if he asks me for help with Chinese (he has Chinese clients too) and he would never try to impress me with something like that. His great memory is something that I do as well socially with people but I only extend that to people I like and care about.
DeleteY'know, I think it would have been more convenient if you had rented a car and drove to this estate. Rich people always like to stash their huge villas out the way in the country side. But I don't like driving either, it surprises me you couldn't get a cab or an uber to the place.
DeleteOh Harry is from Zimbabwe? Interesting, there aren't that many of them left because Zimbabwe is no longer a british colony(Rhodesia). I only knew of white Zimbabweans from the movie Blood Diamond where Leo DiCaprio's character is from Zimbabwe. How you managed to memorize a song in Xhosa I have no idea... I can't even memorize the Spanish lyrics to Despacito and I've listened to it so many times on spotify.
Yeah I don't think that rich older guy was trying to be mean or racist, the average young white person probably would've done the same thing. At least he didn't say something like "do you like noodles?" or "are you a buddhist?" He probably got rich other ways besides being charming. Dave on the other hand is relying on his social skills to make it. And also since he's young he is on his best behavior since he's still building his wealth. I think when people get old and rich enough they feel it's okay to just relax around other people and not be on their most charming behavior.
I see why you're trying to help Owain get a job in banking, to see if he could compete with someone like Dave who also didn't go to university. The only difference between the two is that Dave has some family network to land a good job. But if you gave a recommendation for Owain, then that should level the playing field a little more. Could he be a charmer like Dave? Maybe with time and training...
Oh I should have done my research, I just looked it up on Google maps. From the bus stop it was about 1.1 km to the front gates and then a further 900 meters down the "driveway" to the main house. No wonder my legs ached so much as I wasn't wearing my trainers but wearing my formal shoes for the party. The thing is if you're trying to get a cab or an uber in the middle of a big city, no problem but if you're in the middle of nowhere deep in the countryside, then there are only so few taxis operating in the area and you really need to book ahead.
DeleteI have also memorized another South African song 'Jerusalema' by Master KG featuring Nomcebo - check it out. It is sung in Zulu, so no clicks but it was a huge hit in most European countries last year and I just totally fell in love with it the first time I heard it. Oh and I do all of Despacito except the rap bit where it's really really fast.
Well the golden rule is never ever try to impress anyone - or at least be very careful when planning such an attempt and ask yourself, is this likely to work? The thing is I don't expect white people around me to know any Chinese at all, but if they happen to be fluent in it, then yeah I'll be impressed. But this is the kind of social faux pas I would expect my nephew to make, not older adults. Geez if they haven't learnt by then, they will never learn.
As for Owain, let's see - akan datang, work in progress still.
Lol dress shoes are not meant for kilometers of walking. I maybe would've gotten an Uber driver in the heart of London and told them I'd pay extra if they could take me to the countryside. But then again, I'm used to America where one needs to a car to get anywhere, so I know my way around Uber.
DeleteI found the song on youtube, it's pretty good. I like the mix of modern and folk sounds. The only part of Despacito I remember is Justin Bieber's bit which is in English. And yeah the rap is pretty fast.
I think its more like if you try to impress someone, always be willing to default to being humble if they aren't impressed. And a lot of times being humble is a much better way to build rapport than to try to impress someone. I really hate people who throw tantrums when I don't say "wow."
Even if Owain doesn't find a job in finance, working his way up to a white collar job that pays more than his current job is also an achievement.
Urgh, I plead ignorance, I live in central London. I have no idea what to do in the countryside. I now know better - we were invited back to that huge house, the host said he wants to do a Christmas party there and this time, I will definitely plan my trip better. Christmas does feel like a long time away, this week we're still getting like 28, 29 degrees - it still feels really hot. Like autumn isn't here yet, not for a couple of days at least.
DeleteJerusalema was a massive hit in Africa, then it was a big hit in places like France, Austria, Germany, Netherlands etc where they normally embrace this kind of music but it didn't make any impression at all in the English speaking markets of US or UK. This is the kind of modern African music that I find really interesting, the more traditional ones have less appeal to me. I love updated, modern folk music done this way. Oh years ago I remember when Despacito came out, my colleagues wanted to go to Karaoke and I said, "I will go but only if I can sing Despacito in Spanish and I don't want the English version."
The thing about Owain is that I do wonder why he hasn't tried to find better paid work - is he content working in retail all his life? Or are people like him simply not convinced that they can do a white collar job that will lead to a lot more money? I will comment on this complex issue and Owain's mindset in my latest post - akan datang.
Yeah and remember to tip the Uber driver extra because they will have to drive back into town before they can find another ride. But finding a ride back would be a challenge if you came by Uber. Renting a car seems easiest at this point.
DeleteNon English language seems to have a hard time being a hit in America. That's why BTS had to record songs in English just to get to number 1 on the American charts. Radios here just don't play non English songs.
This situation with Owain kinda reminds me of episode 1 of Suits. Mike Ross is also brilliant, but he took tests for money until he was 30 and Harvey Specter got him a job. Sometimes brilliant people don't believe they can do any better, or they don't know how to get a foot in the door. Smart doesn't mean ambitious.
Check out another track by James BKS "No Unga Bunga" - again, it is that type of modern African techno that's really original. I don't think Owain is 'brilliant' per se, not academically in a way that you are but he has good social skills. I think he is wasting those social skills by working in retail instead of dealing with much higher value propositions, that's why I wanna get him into banking so he can use those same skills to earn a lot more money. Makes sense, right?
DeleteTwo more brilliant African dance tracks for you Amanda: Yeke Yeke by Mory Kante and Alane by Wes. Both tracks were mainstream in Europe but totally failed to crack the English-speaking market. Mory Kante is from Guinea whilst Wes is from Cameroon.
DeleteWell you don't have to be good at science/math to be brilliant. The traders you work with may be brilliant but they are useless if people like you can't bring in capital for them to trade with. But yeah, Owain should try his hand selling financial instruments, not apples or toilet paper. He doesn't even have to go into banking to make a step up into selling higher value products. Tech companies and non-tech companies hire people for product-marketing. The issue is that usually degree holders compete for these jobs.
DeleteI guess European radio is more friendly to non-English tracks because they don't speak English as a first language anyway. Sure I'll check out those tracks. I also really like German and Russian rap, but music from Africa is new to me.
Well I don't know if I can help Owain but I will certainly try. I do recommend Ukrainian group Go_A as they set Ukrainian folk music to techno - it's pretty surreal and I totally love it. I have listened to their hit "Shum" so many times I can sing along like an Ukrainian grandma at a rave I swear.
DeleteBtw, I'm just ROFL over the women who think you're a straight rich sugar daddy considering your husband is in some of the pictures on your instagram. Who do they think he is then? Just a random male friend? Do you even reply to them? It would be funny to write "Hey, you're really pretty but unfortunately I'm not just married I'm gay too."
ReplyDeleteMaybe they are equally clueless when it comes to their social skills because this is a clear case of them not being observant or having a blind spot. Like they see what they wanna see - an older rich man, as opposed to the obvious signs that he's sooo gay. I don't think the married part bothers them if they're just after a sugar daddy, I did tell you about the Russian series that I had just watched, there are no shortages of poor, young, pretty Russian women who come from the rural countryside, they flock to Moscow and try to find a sugar daddy to survive - these women don't care if they end up being a mistress to a married man as long as he gives them loads of money. But that's a moot point - now if a young gay man wants to seduce me, that's a different story but these women probably message tons of men on Instagram everyday so they don't spend too much time on each one, not long enough to notice that I'm gay in any case. I don't respond to them. What's the point?
DeleteActually I did respond to a few on passportalex but never on alexpinstripes - I naively thought that those on passportalex shared my passion for traveling and wanted to ask for traveling tips. A lot of people approach me for traveling tips (what kind of winter wear to buy, how to use public transport in Russia etc) here on my blog and my passportalex Instagram is a visual extension of that. Yeah right. They liked the idea of me taking them on holiday - duh. As if that's gonna happen. The only person I take with me on holidays is my husband.
DeleteLike seriously, they would start with asking me about a post - where was this photo taken, how was your experience there, you liked it? Wanna take me there on holiday? We can party together. Seriously.
DeleteLol "we can party together" sounds like something a typical social climber in a movie would say. To me this sounds like a "Talented Mr. Ripley" situation, dunno if you've seen this movie with Matt Damon, Jude Law, and Gwyneth Paltrow. In the movie the protagonist, Ripley, an impoverished con-artist, tries to befriend a rich kid Dickie Greenleaf to mooch off his money in Italy. In the beginning Dickie was very nice to Ripley, letting him stay in a spare room in the house he rented with his girlfriend, and taking him on sailing trips, restaurant meals, partying in nightclubs. But eventually Dickie got bored of Ripley and told him to leave because over time it was tiring having to pay for everything.
DeleteLol Alex I've had the reverse way around(maybe because I'm a girl?), where a guy messages me asking to take me on a holiday with him. It's equally creepy because its a stranger.
Oh yeah I've seen that movie many times and I've even met Jude Law some years back when he did another film in London - I even got him to sign on my DVD of that movie given that we didn't have phones on our cameras back then. I've actually seen people in that kind of relationship before: I've got this gay friend in his 60s and when I went to Iceland on holiday years ago he was there at the same time with this Italian guy who was like 21. And I rolled my eyes and thought, yup I know what's going on here but if they're consenting adults, the terms & conditions of their relationship (like who is paying for this holiday) is none of my business as long as they're both happy in this arrangement.
DeleteWow I knew you met Jude Law but I didn't know you liked that movie and got him to sign it. It's a great film and Jude Law was fantastic in it(so as a few other famous names also in the movie). I'm surprised it was Jude Law's breakout role and he was a relative unknown before it, considering he plays such a confident rich boy.
DeleteYeah as long as no abuse is going on between the two parties they are free to do whatever they want. I think people deride such relationships because some people don't like the fact that either some people are so goodlooking they can make money off their looks, or that some other people are so rich they can sleep with a goodlooking person without being goodlooking.
I have even met the director of that film Anthony Minghella before he died! As for my older friend with his 21 year old toy boy, yeah that relationship didn't last. But no one expected it to, they were both adults who knew the deal so that was it.
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