Hello again guys, allow me to get this off my chest - I am very angry and upset by something that happened to my nephew in Singapore. I knew he was subject to some bullying in school though I had no idea how bad it was; just this week, my sister told me that his revision notes and textbooks (for physics and chemistry) were stolen at school. Oh boy, holy shit. I have so many feelings about this that I think writing it down in my blog is probably the best way to organize my thoughts before they run amok in my head. So allow me to make the following points about how I feel about the situation.
1. His teachers don't give a shit, his teachers are fucking useless, he's in a toxic school.
It's not that his school isn't aware of the situation, his teachers simply don't give a shit. In their eyes, they are only responsible for delivering the academic curriculum rather than sort out matters of discipline. So when things go wrong, they simply roll their eyes and say, "this is not primary school, we cannot police every single interaction that goes on amongst students, some of them have already turned 18 this year and we expect them to conduct themselves in a mature manner and sort out such matters amongst themselves without teachers micromanaging every social interaction that goes on." In an ideal world of course, we would hope that students at that age would behave in a more responsible and sensible manner when left to their own devices, but when things do go wrong, the buck stops with the teachers and we shouldn't leave it up to the families to pick up the pieces. The parents and the families are part of the problem as well - they often tell themselves that Singapore has one of the best education systems in the world by referring to those studies known as the PISA tests where Singapore usually finishes near the top; they were 2nd in 2018 - the last time a PISA survey was completed and published. But it has been evident that this Singaporean education system doesn't suit my autistic nephew, trying to get him through the system all these years has been like squeezing a round peg into a square hole and it is time to admit that they really should have sent him abroad for his education instead of subjecting him to the fetid Singaporean system. What it would take for them to finally acknowledge the many failures of the system?
2. My family haven't acknowledged the gravity of the situation.
My parents are retired teachers who believe that the Singaporean education system is the best in the world - my sisters and I were subjected to the same system but I managed to escape by getting a scholarship to study in the UK. It would be so convenient if the education system somehow suited my nephew but he is an autistic student who has special needs - he isn't stupid per se, but his autism means that he cannot learn the way other students do. I have simply been appalled by the way he has been forced through a system that has been totally unsuitable for him and I'm disappointed that my sister hasn't pulled him out of his school much earlier when we realized how awful the situation is. After all, he is only at his JC for two years and he is due to take his exams in less than three months, so it is now too late to pull him out of that awful school with the awful teachers. In this situation, you have two choices: you either blame the school or you blame the student. I don't care what my family thinks - I'm blaming the fucking awful school, his fucked up teachers, the whole fucking education system for this ridiculous mess and I'm blaming my family for refusing to face the fact that keeping him in that school has been a stupid mistake from the start. My nephew is just a teenager who doesn't know better, it is our duty as adults to help him. As a family, we have failed him and I'm especially disappointed since nobody listens to me. I've been saying all this for years but I've been ignored because I am presenting them an inconvenient truth and thus they have chosen to blindly trust the awful Singaporean education system and oh that has been giant mistake.
Of course, I'm really upset by all of this because I experienced a lot of bullying in my teenage years and it got so much worse in the army but I survived - it did teach me a valuable lesson. My parents were against the idea of me moving to the West because they were worried that white people might be racist and subject me to all kinds of racist discrimination: I had to point out to them that I had already suffered so much at the hands of my fellow Singaporeans growing up in Singapore and I was willing to take my chances with the white people in the West, given how fucking awful my experience has been with the people in the country where I was born. I'm hoping that my nephew would realize the same thing and eventually end up studying somewhere like the UK where he can be so far away from the culture that has harmed him so much; he also needs to see the world from a totally different perspective and living in the West, in a completely different culture might give him new insight to make sense of the world around him - I know I certainly benefited from moving to the West. Of course, I'm not going to say that people in the West are any nicer - no, the difference was that by the time I had arrived in Europe, I was older and have had the time to develop better social skills in order to make friends, get along with people around me and avoid making enemies. I didn't have those social skills as an autistic moron growing up in Singapore, that's why I don't want to give you the impression that bullying somehow doesn't exist in the West - it is just that by the time I arrived here as an adult, I had already developed better social skills to cope.
4. My nephew is using the wrong yardstick. He is barking up the wrong tree.
Allow me to let me tell you what happened with my nephew when he was younger - because of his autism, he scored badly for his PSLE and ended up in a neighbourhood secondary school. But he isn't stupid, so with a lot of effort, he did pretty well for his O levels - enough to get him into a rather respectable JC. I know that he was extremely disappointed in the way he performed for his PSLE and such is the Singaporean mindset - you end up in a neighbourhood secondary school like that, people are going to assume you're stupid. He has managed to put things right after his O levels but now he fears he cannot delivering the same good results at the A levels. He has gone from people assuming he's stupid to people assuming he's clever and now he's worried that people are going to go back to assuming that he's stupid if he performs badly for his A level exams. I did my A levels back in 1994 at one of Singapore's top JCs - none of my classmates there were stupid per se (in fact they all had very good A level results), but if you look at how they have turned out 27 years after we had completed our A level exams, there is no correlation between our exam results and how well we are doing in our careers. Some of them are CEOs with impressive business empires earning millions a month whilst a few are really struggling to make ends meet, earning very little money. In short, your A level results don't really predict your future - there are so many other factors that determine how successful you will be in the future. This is why I feel my nephew has chosen the wrong yardstick to base his self-esteem upon hence he must learn to believe in himself.
5. Education shouldn't be about memorizing your notes and textbooks.
You can't get through your A level exams simply by memorizing your notes and books - instead you must apply your knowledge when answering complex questions. For the record, my nephew studies extremely hard, but his idea of studying hard means spending ours memorizing his notes and books. Even his father condones this form of more passive learning as it is less stressful, where he merely absorbs the knowledge and he doesn't approve of my kind of teaching where I try to extract knowledge from him by testing him with questions from past year papers - my method has been labeled as too stressful and could result in my nephew "closing his mind". However, simply allowing my nephew to approach this exam by memorizing everything doesn't help him pass his exams; as an adult who knows the system, it is my responsibility to help him through this exam in the best possible way. Let me give you an example of how it works in an A level exam: the student would be given a multi-part 'extract' which is usually up to two sides of A4. So let's say the theme is the effect of the pandemic on inflation, then we have a collection of newspaper articles on the same theme. If my nephew sees the word 'inflation' in the question, he would simply regurgitate everything he has memorized on the theme of inflation (which is a lot) rather than attempt to answer the question, which is asking about a very specific aspect of inflation relating to the case study in question. It is frustrating as I must tell him that whilst everything he has regurgitated is factually correct - it doesn't answer the question at all and thus I can't give him any marks for that answer.
6. This situation actually forces us to change tactic, or would it?
Given that his exams are approximately two and a half months away, what he desperately needs right now is exam practice. He needs a tuition teacher to sit down with him, going through past year exam papers for each of his subjects. Yes that's my approach: it'll be like, "okay let's look at question 1 together. What do you think the answer is?" The tuition teacher would then be able to accurately identify gaps in my nephew's knowledge and deal with those gaps with great precision - sure this may be an expensive method to prepare a student for the exams but at least my family can afford it and it is just for a few months. I've heard about these rather popular tuition by Zoom classes in Singapore during the pandemic. That's a terrible idea, because it is all passive learning again. The students merely watch the tuition talk about a topic for an hour and there are barely a few minutes at the end for the students to ask questions - they sit there so passively and their minds have probably wandered off a few minutes into the lesson even if they are sat there staring at the screen. This very Singaporean approach to learning is the reason why I hate the education system. My approach is stressful for the student but this boils down to the fact that my nephew has been forced to take a subject he has no interest in and zero aptitude for, rather than somehow a teacher asking a student questions during a lesson is a cruel practice that stresses the student out. So if someone has stolen my nephew's notes and books, then it is forcing us to use the method that I had advocated all along. Or would my nephew simply borrow his classmates' notes, buy a brand new set of books and simply go right back to memorizing everything? I worry that this is exactly what is going to happen.
I don't know how to tell my sister this (or if I should even bring it up) but if she thinks that the bullying my nephew is suffering is bad now, it is going to get so much worse in the army and in a bizarre way, incidents like that are going to prepare him for what awaits him in the army. Bullying tends to happen when people from different social backgrounds cannot adapt to each other's differences - this can lead to conflicts where one individual is singled out and bullied. Within the context of my nephew's school, at least he is the same age and of the (roughly) same education attainment as his peers, they're all taking the same exam and spend plenty of time together at the same school. But of course, that doesn't guarantee that this shared experience will make them all somehow get along like best friends - bullying can easily happen within such a context as well and often does. At least within a school, students who experience bullying can still run to the teacher because they are still technically speaking a minor under 18 and the teacher is obliged to do something. Once my nephew sets foot in the army, he will be expected to function like an adult and resolve his own conflicts rather than ask an adult for help. A lot less help is available for soldiers experiencing bullying compared to students like my nephew now. On one hand, the timing is just awful - after all, my nephew really needs to focus on his exams now (they are three months away) and this is the last thing he needs but on the other hand, I know this sounds really awful if I put it this way, but this would give him a taste of what to expect in a few months' time when he serves NS.
8. How did I respond to someone like 'Toh' who hated me?
There this guy whom I didn't get along with in NS - we'll call him Toh (not his real name). I have loads of reasons to hate Toh but let's not go into that now. He made this assertion that because he was going to study business at university whilst I had chosen to pursue a degree in geography, he was going to have a much brighter future than me. Quite frankly, we were both in the army at that time and given that I not only had better A level grades than him, I was headed to a top university in the UK on a scholarship (which was going to be my third scholarship) whilst Toh was studying at a local university. Years passed and I never saw Toh after I left the army, but recently, through the power of Google I managed to track him down.I have no desire to ever speak to him again, I just wanted to know one thing: is he richer than me? Is he more successful than me today? I managed to track him down and let's just say that he isn't doing too badly but he is working in Singapore in a Singaporean firm. I can't tell how much he earns just from the information I have found (only him and his employers would know that figure) but I know he would probably be putting in 60, even 75 hours a week (my sister works up to 90 hours a week) given that it is a very Singaporean company. So this greatly impacts his Big Mac index - for those of you not familiar with the Big Mac index, it is an easy calculation to work out how long you have to work to afford to buy a Big Mac where you live. I've had a lucrative week, my current Big Mac index has fallen below one minute again, we're counting the seconds. So if we use the Big Mac index, I know that I am definitely better off that Toh. Whilst I can't make Toh any poorer or a failure, I can certainly make sure I become richer and more successful than him.
Do I need to message him on Linkedin and then rub it in his face? No, simply knowing that I am doing a lot better than him today brings me enough satisfaction. Calling him poor or a failure doesn't make me any richer or more successful - the only way I become even richer and more successful than him is by focusing on myself, by improving my work, by becoming even better at my job and any time spent picking a fight with Toh is nothing but a distraction away from the task at hand. I'm not afraid of Toh succeeding in his career, I just wanna be more successful than him. A very extreme reaction to a situation like this would be the case of Tonya Harding: for those of you who are not familiar with the story, Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan were rival American figure skaters in the 1990s. In a bid to sabotage Kerrigan, Harding's ex-husband orchestrated an attack on Kerrigan in 1994 by hiring assailant to break Kerrigan's right leg. Harding, her ex-husband and the assailants were all caught and punished for their roles in the attack. This was such an audacious attack that it has been turned into a movie. But of course, the kid(s) who stole my nephew's textbooks and revision notes have done exactly that. It's an act of despair and desperation - the message is, "if I am going to fail my A levels, then I am going to make sure that I sabotage others as well, so I am not the only who will fail these exams." I hate to feel sorry for the bully who did this to my nephew, but s/he is pretty fucked up as well if that's the kind of mindset that s/he has. I'm suggesting that my nephew's bully may not be an evil villain - but a messed up person with a lot of mental health issues.
9. A healthy vs a toxic school environment
Some of you may know this old song "Anything you can do (I can do better)" from the musical Annie Get Your Gun. It is a duet sung by the characters Annie and Frank, each challenging each other (see the video below). That has pretty much been my approach to competition and that comes from my background in gymnastics. If you see a rival do a new skill that's really impressive, you say to them, "anything you can do I can do better", then you not only learn that new skill but you make sure you can perform it better - they will then respond in kind and this sets of a chain reaction where this kind of competitive spirit makes all gymnasts involved improve. There are no losers at the end of the day because even if you don't win the gold medal, you have still improved so much as a gymnast when you're part of that process. A good teacher would cultivate that kind of healthy competition amongst the students but a bad teacher would allow the kind of Harding vs Kerrigan attack and sabotage to happen. After all, if everyone worked together, studied together, supported and helped each other, all the students would benefit from having a conducive learning environment and the net result would be that all the students would score well in their exams. If the teachers allowed the environment to turn toxic, where the students turn on each other, attack and sabotage each other (leading to revenge, counterattacks and preemptive strikes), then the net result would be that everyone would be so distracted by this chaos that there will be no winners - everyone will end up performing very badly in the exams. Well, this is precisely the terrible situation that's happened in my nephew's school, the fault lies entirely with the teachers so we must never blindly trust teachers, especially in Singapore.
10. What will happen next?
Well, even if the bully does sabotage my nephew's grades for physics and chemistry, my nephew won't fail as a result - perhaps he will score a B or a C instead of an A for those subjects. That will guarantee that he cannot make it to a decent local university and so his parents would be forced to do what I have asked them to do all along: to send my nephew to the UK for his university education. My nephew will end up in a mid-tier British university - there are 131 universities in the UK so we're probably talking about one that's ranked between 25 to 50 or so, not exactly top tier but still very respectable. I think my nephew would be a lot more miserable if he somehow managed to get the grades to earn himself a place at a decent Singaporean university - so in a weird way, these bullies have actually done him a favour. In any case, it's not your A level grades nor your degree that will get you a good job in the future - hell no, it has got to do with two things: firstly, you need to have loads of work experience and internships on your CV and secondly, you need influential parents (and other family members) who can make a phone call or two to get you that job interview. Guess what? My nephew doesn't realize just how fortunate he is in having a family that can afford to send him to any university in the world he wishes to attend and that he has a whole bunch of adults who can help him get a decent first job. It's even quite foolhardy for him to think that he doesn't need any of that help and that all he needs to do is study hard, that he can succeed without any help from his parents and extended family. He has a massive safety net that most of his working peers can only dream about - he doesn't realize how much more privileged he is and that's probably because he's naive.
At the end of the day, I don't have much influence in what happens in my nephew's life. I am just the uncle eight time zones away and I do feel guilty that I have not been there for much of his life as a result. There's only so much I can do on visits back to Singapore which are infrequent and I realize that in order for me to be a positive influence for my nephew, he needs to like and respect me before he would even listen to me. Quite honestly, I don't think I've done enough as an uncle to earn that respect from him yet - I've only just gotten started with this tutoring thing for his A level exams but it's never just a simple matter of "just tell him to do this and the problem is solved." I remember years ago when I was back in Singapore, this was when he was very young - I found a course that I thought would really benefit him. My parents then attacked me and said, "it's so easy for you to judge us, it's so easy for you to say oh make him do this make him do that - who will be the one taking him to the course at the end of the day? Will it be you? No, you're getting on a plane and going back to London. You're not hanging around to help." So whenever I try to do something constructive to help my nephew, my family get defensive because they think I'm accusing them of not doing the right thing or not doing enough and then they go on the counterattack - this kind of conflict is simply not constructive nor is it helpful to my nephew. So even when I do try to intervene, I often meet a lot of resistance from my family which makes it even harder for me to try to help my nephew - I can't even begin to describe my frustration with this whole awful situation.
I don't want to take this out on my family, I know they're trying their best and their biggest mistake has been to put their faith in the Singaporean education system. I would be a real dick if I went on and on about how shit the Singaporean system is - nobody likes the guy who says, "see? I told you so!" On one hand, I want to tell my nephew that the bullying will end as his time at that toxic school is coming to an end, he has only another three months there before his A level exams and that will be it - he will never ever have to set foot there ever again. However, I am only too aware that he may be jumping out of the frying pan into the fire given that he will start his NS almost immediately. I guess the frustration as well also stems from the fact that I am so far away and I can't intervene - if I was in Singapore, obviously I could do a lot more but such is the situation. So what do you guys think? How can I best support my nephew through all this? Should my family hold that awful, toxic school to account for everything that has happened so far? Or could you turn this around and say, "of course high school is tough, your nephew has to take responsibility for nurturing his own relationships with the people around him at his age, he's no longer a little kid, so let him try to find his own solutions for once. How is he going to learn if we intervene, then do everything for him?! Please leave a comment below and many thanks for reading.
Umm not to be a downer but when I was studying undergrad in Sg my friends had friends who attended NUS/NTU and they said people did steal each other's notes because grading was on a curve and to get an A you had to be in the top X% of the class. I think the issue is not that bullying occurs, but there is too much competition in the system that causes the bullying. But regardless, one has to have good social skills not to make enemies because people won't hurt people they like. Personally I think schools should teach this more but they currently don't, instead the responsibility falls to the parents. I only had to learn this stuff from the working world where being good at math wasn't enough to succeed anymore.
ReplyDeleteBtw I just had my masters degree presentation/oral exam today (though I am still working towards a PhD, I just need to pick up the masters first). And the instructors were nice enough to give everyone the exam questions 1 hour before the actual oral exam to prepare. I thought the questions were easy, I could just answer them like I did previous exams, it wasn't new material anyway. But when I got into the room to do the actual oral exam, because I answered some questions too quickly, the professors started asking new made-up questions not on the exam paper. This is like if on an A level exam the examiner sees a student is going through the paper too fast that they add new questions halfway through. And these questions just got progressively harder and were more concept based rather than "just give me a number." More like a job interview than a traditional exam.
Although the exam was difficult, maybe that's how education systems should be like. Too bad its difficult to grade students because the questions have to be tailored to each individual, and in the end you are only competing against yourself rather than others. The changed questions I got only applied to the physics section of the exam (there were other topics), but that's only because I did a lot of physics research in undergrad whilst my program is in engineering. It makes me think testing-based education systems are only really to compare peers rather than develop people individually, which is really sad. Also developing people takes a lot of manpower. This year we had 15 PhD students who needed to take the masters oral exam, and 6 professors to grade them. If we only had 1 professor available to grade 15 students then they will all be challenged by the same exam questions to save time.
Hi Amanda and thanks for your comment. Somehow your story about students in NUS/NTU sabotaging each other doesn't surprise me and it makes complete sense - such is the environment if you're grading the cohort on a curve. However, for my nephew's case, it is not like they are being graded on a curve the same way, there is plenty of room for them to all do well, it is not a zero sum gain. But what the teachers have done was created a very, very toxic environment and the teaching is just awful. I cannot stress how toxic the Singaporean system is and Singaporeans themselves are part of the problem when they would rather boast "our students are smarter than their counterparts in the West" rather than concede, "there is a problem here, it is too toxic and bad for the students' mental health." There is a close link between bullying, mental health and competition. You need to Google this: there's a bizarre, crazy Japanese game show called slippery stairs. You don't need to understand a word of Japanese to understand how it works. A group of 6 contestants will try to climb a long staircase which is covered in plastic and soapy water, at the top of the stairs are people pouring more soapy water to keep it extra slippery. The first contestant to reach the top of the stairs to grab the check wins a nice cash prize. There's a lot of falling (totally slapstick) but this is what happens: if you're nearly at the top of the stairs and you lose your balance, when you fall down the stairs you will try to drag other contestants down with you by pushing or kicking them as you pass them. "If I can't win, then I'm gonna drag you down with me!" It results in a slapstick situation where 2 or more people fall down the stairs at the same time. And yes, it looks terribly painful but hey, whacky Japanese game shows are like that. Yeah, that's the analogy that perfectly describes the toxic environment in my nephew's school at the moment. A fellow student has decided that s/he is going to fail her/his exams, so if s/he is going down, s/he is going to drag others down with her and makes sure that she is not the only one that fails.
DeleteThis is really sad as I think that someone in that situation should reach out for help, "I am struggling to cope, can you help me please?" But no, the sad truth is no help is available for poor students in that situation even if they ask for help - the answer from the teachers would be, "tough shit, I'm not paid to give you any more help than what you're getting in the classroom. If your parents can't pay for private tuition, then you're screwed. Tough luck." If forced into a corner like that, is it any wonder that the student ends up like the contestant on that Japanese game show falling down the slippery stairs, trying to drag as many people down with him/her along the way? And you're right - in this toxic situation, you really need your social skills to protect yourself from others around you.
I do remember an incident when I was my nephew's age, I did lose some of my notes - I don't think they were stolen, I just misplaced them. I was in a panic, but I then calmed down and called up a classmate. She calmly said, "can I fax it over to you?" This was 1994 remember, it was pre-internet back then. So I ran to my neighbour's house and sure enough, she faxed me the entire set of notes. She wanted nothing in return, she was just extremely kind and helpful because she believed that everyone would benefit if we had a conducive learning environment where we supported each other in the class then we can succeed together. Now I credit my teachers in my school back then for fostering this kind of conducive, supportive environment - it is sad that my nephew's school is so extremely toxic.
DeleteWow that's really toxic then. I guess it's not that a student is struggling, but the fact that there aren't any options to get help. Singaporean society doesn't encourage asking for help though. In the west people may act independent, but in the school system they are extremely coddled when it comes to ego and emotions. The lower performing students are always told "good job!" Or "nice try!" or even "everyone is good at something!" I actually attended two private schools growing up, one Western for the first 10 years, and one Asian for the last two years of school. I remember being behind in the Asian school when I first started because the Western school wasn't as rigorous(too coddly...).
DeleteAnyway I expected teachers to be positive and say "oh it's alright, you'll catch up eventually", or "it's not your fault, its your past school's fault." But instead there were two teachers, one math and one chemistry, who told me I suck and I wouldn't catch up in time to take my A levels. I was shocked. The students were nice though, so as the physics teacher and the other teachers. Then my classmates told me not to worry about the math teacher because she has had a pathetic personal and professional life. They told me she has no friends, has had a horrible dating life(she used to date the principal, her boss lol, but they broke up), the other teachers don't like her either, and she's not even that good at math. I totally understood the social part, she was making fun of me being behind in class because she wasn't doing well in life but didn't have the social skills to understand this is a very rude thing to say, such that the benefit (a laugh) does not outweigh the cost (unpopularity). Yet somehow she thinks she's close to everyone and tells them personal stories in class even when nobody is listening or even interested. She is the male version of the creepy IT teacher.
As for the chemistry teacher, apparently she calls everybody shit even if they're A students. But I did forgive her after a while, and she does have good social skills and only tells stories when people are interested. But this is the Asian way, instead of offering help when people are struggling, scold them and tell them to work harder. Luckily I had a cousin who was a chemistry teacher who attended NUS for chemistry and tutored me for my A levels. If I didn't have such means then I would be screwed by the Asian education system.
Fortunately I have not encountered any toxic students. That usually happens at a large school where one is anonymous and can get away with toxic behavior with little consequence. But schools should provide help in case students need it. Not just be like "deal with it!" In the west they encourage students to reach out for help more often via "office hours" at uni. But sometimes students get too dependent on this, too much coddling is also a bad thing.
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DeleteSorry typo! "bullies RARELY attack complete strangers"
DeleteSorry there were so many stupid typos that I decided to repost the comment above.
DeleteI have managed to speak to my sister this evening and I got more sordid details - we actually know exactly whom the ring leader is and it's someone whom my nephew has foolishly trusted despite this person being just toxic. She's messed up, she's evil and she takes great joy in harming my nephew. It's not a straight forward case of my nephew is the quiet kid in school who is an innocent victim, he knew exactly whom his bully was and even had a pre-existing relationship with her, albeit a rather toxic and complicated one. When my sister told me about it, I rolled my eyes and thought, just how naive are you about making friends? You make friends with people you can trust, you need to be a good judge of character - clearly, my nephew has made a serious error of judgment here and I hate to be the uncle with no compassion, but I rolled my eyes and thought, "well that'll teach him an important lesson about trusting people, maybe he will be less naive in the future." That's usually the case with bullying - bullies rarely attack complete strangers, instead they will identify someone they know within their social circles, usually a weak target they think they can easily dominated and bully. Bullies will never pick a fight with a fierce person who would stand up to a bully - that's part of the reason why I turned into such a nasty, evil bully myself when I was a teenager. It was my way to show the bullies that I was the wrong kind of person to target - I would even do a preemptive strike sometimes, like firing a warning shot by bullying the bully before the bully can even think about trying to bully me. That's how tough the situation is and for an autistic kid to have to figure all of this out whilst sitting for his A levels this year, that's a very big ask.
But the fact is if my nephew had been a lot more wary with the people around him in that toxic school, he would just kept his distance from the ring leader of the group who orchestrated the bullying. Of course, the school teachers don't give a shit, they'll be like, "yeah he shouldn't be messing around with other students, they should all be focusing on their studies so let's wait till their exams are over and we'll deal with it." That's so convenient as they leave the school after they complete their exams - essentially the teachers don't give a shit about the bullying that happens in school. Thus the students have to learn to protect themselves from the bullies and when things go wrong, sigh, it will then be up to the parents to pick up the pieces. Thank goodness my sister is there for him.
Oh and my sister has pointed out that it's not the theft of the books & notes which is distressing him (those are replaceable) but it is the bullying per se. He is being targeted by someone whom he trusted, instead of returning his friendship, this bully identified him as a weak target whom she can go out of her way and bully. Sigh, if that's the kind of toxic environment his school is, thank goodness the pandemic happened in the last 18 months - at least that minimized the contact he had with his classmates in that fucked up toxic school environment and he did a lot of learning from home! I've survived toxic environments before but I feel really bad for my nephew to have to deal with this at this age, but oh well, like I said, it will prepare him for NS. Oh boy.
DeleteGiven this new information that I have, I am trying to resist the urge to lecture him about being so trusting and naive - I just be as supportive. I think he would have realized that he has already made a huge error of judgement, he doesn't need uncle Alex to remind him about it.
DeleteOmg that sounds like a very serious case of the kind of petty bullying that goes on in schools. Come to think of it this "social circle bullying" is completely different from bullying a complete stranger, like when people scratch a Mercedes parked in a poor neighborhood. It sounds like this "friend" of your nephew enjoys having people around that she can feel superior over and control because of insecurity. I've had friends like that before and I'd have to make the hard decision to go no contact after tolerating the bullshit for too long. But your nephew is in high school, I think of course he's naive. I don't think he had as tough of a primary school life as you did so didn't learn these lessons earlier. I wouldn't say he needs lecturing, but maybe sympathy and encouragement about how he should stick to the good and non-toxic people in his life.
DeleteHi Amanda, I actually thought my nephew was missing out because I had a good time during my JC days as I made many good friends then - the pandemic hit 2 months after he started his JC education and a lot of that has been home/online learning instead of attending school in person like in normal times. Even in this short period that they actually resumed normal lessons, so much bullshit happens - holy crap. What are the teachers doing? Managing teenagers is a fine art that few people can master, they're still kids but they think they are adults.
DeleteThis bully that made life hell for my nephew probably little control over anything in her life - she's just a student. She has to ask her parents for money if she wants to buy something. She has to ask her parents for permission if she wants to go out. If she wants to go on a school field trip, the teacher has to give her a consent form which she must present to her parents, to get them to sign. She may be 18 and feel/think like an adult, but society still treats her like a little kid. This probably frustrates the hell out of her, feeling like an adult trapped in a child's body, so she turns to bullying as that's probably one of the very few times in her life that she can feel like she can wield some real power over someone at all. It's really sad (and pathetic at the same time) if it has come to this and if she really cannot find anything else to try to feel like an adult. Teenage girls like her are trouble, I can imagine she'll resort to more and more drastic things to try to feel like an adult - next year she'll probably end up sleeping with a married middle aged man not because she enjoys it, but she's just desperate to do something sordid like that because that's what adults do in the movies. Oh I've just watched series 1 of Содержанки ('Golddiggers') about the sleazy side of Russian high society in Moscow and there's a lot of beautiful rich Russian people doing some pretty outrageous things, including having a lot of sex. My nephew's bully will probably watch the box set of Содержанки and then think, damn I'm so bored as a student, I wanna be doing all those things that these rich people are doing rather than studying for my A levels. But she can't - so she resorts to bullying a fellow student but pretty soon, that won't be enough for her. My nephew is naive but he will hopefully grow up and learn; his bully is bored and hungry for power, I hope she learns to channel this in a constructive manner rather than turn to more and more destructive behaviour.
Lol Alex when you want to shit-talk someone who hurts your family, you do it in the most creative ways. There are teenage girls like this, I remember there was a girl like that in my batch in my final two years of high school who acted this way because it turns out her mother owned the entire school and hardly paid attention to her. I think there's an element of attention-seeking/validation-seeking on top of needing control. It's pathetic she'd pick on an autistic kid who is struggling to get good grades in school, but then again pathetic people look for the easiest way to get their thrill.
DeleteBtw there is a word for this kind of shitty behavior that some teenage girls engage in, "toxic femininity." There's the stereotype of the "bad girl" being someone who isn't physically violent or even overtly rude, but just extremely manipulative/controlling and even really pretty. Someone who gets you to like them then betrays you. When you mentioned sleeping with a middle-aged man that reminds me of the film "Election", where before the movie began a high achieving student sleeps with one of her teachers, who then loses his job and marriage while the student escapes unscathed. She's the villain of the movie btw.
Aaaah what you've described sounds just like what happened in Содержанки - there's a habit of rich older Russian men to ditch their first wives and get a younger trophy wives despite the fact that the new wife is probably the same age as the oldest daughter. So in Содержанки, the daughter Katya feels terribly neglected - her mother is out of the picture after the divorce, her father is obsessed with his new younger and prettier wife and Katya is a rich girl who feels so ignored in all of this. So she has a kind teacher Lyosh in school who shows her attention, she decides to try to seduce Lyosh but being a married man, he rejects her advances. So she then sets up a meeting with him which she secretly films, during the meeting she pounces on him and kisses him - he rejects her but she still uploads the video of their kiss onto the internet and tries to accuse him of seducing her. She was willing to destroy Lyosh's marriage and career just to get some attention from not just her parents, but from anyone. Katya had a lot of money but money can't buy you attention and that's what she craved. In the end, ironically, Lyosh's wife didn't care that he kissed the student - she had stopped loving him a long time ago and subsequently by the end of season 1, she left him for a much richer businessman.
DeleteOh you simply have to watch Содержанки with English subtitles of course, it's all sensationalized of course, I don't even think that the lives of the Russian elite are thaaaaat crazy but it is very good fun, well made and very entertaining.
Yes money cannot buy attention, if you are still a child haha. A rich man/woman can find a person to date them for money.
DeleteWhat you described sounds a little like the tv show "Gossip Girl" about the lives of the super rich attending private school. It does sound sensationalized, nothing that dramatic happened at my private school haha. There was a girl like you described, mom out of the picture, dad didn't have a young pretty wife but had a string of young pretty girlfriends. She just went out often and partied hard at nightclubs. There was also another girl where both parents were always busy working, she turned to pickpocketing in primary school for fun.
Y'know with all that in mind, my nephew is effectively from a rich family too and it amazes me that he is willing to subject himself to the Singaporean education system and join this mad race to get straight As instead of trying to seek fun activities to seek attention (be it on social media, from his peers or his family). He's still desperate to seek approval from others and thinks that the best way to do it is the Singaporean way - to get good grades. Go figure. That's not how rich people think, not the rich people I work with anyway.
DeleteMind you, I know I really shouldn't be complaining that my nephew is trying so hard to score well in his exams. A lot of rich kids will simply think, meh I'm rich, my parents will support me, why should I subject myself to all this stress just to get good results - I wanna have fun and do fun things instead of studying. That would be a completely different problem to deal with mind you, it's the opposite of the spectrum. It's just that my nephew totally fits the stereotype of the stressed out Asian student who really wants to get straight As. I'm just asking the philosophical question, "why do you feel you need those good grades at school then? What would be the purpose of it, what are you trying to prove?"
DeleteI kinda thought it was because your sister didn't grow up wealthy, she is nouveau riche. You're also nouveau riche so you tutor your nephew in economics instead of saying to your sister "meh we're rich, your son will do fine in life without good grades just like previous generations of our family." My father was also nouveau riche(he didn't even attend university) so he pushed all his three kids to do well in school. It really affected my sister a lot because she can't get good grades without trying and is merely average, so every A was a struggle. She was basically in the same shoes as your nephew right now, with frustrated tuition teachers and a dad who told them "anything less than an A is unacceptable." But in the end my father found a mid-tier school in America to send my sister for university, because that was the only school that would accept her ABBC A levels. Meanwhile I attended a government uni in Sg, and my brother attended a decent uni in the US.
DeleteIn me and my brother's cases, my dad wanted to groom one of us to work in finance at Wall street because as a nouveau riche person he still didn't feel his family's social status was as secure as one of those old money families who have been rich for many generations. Sure he had connections and could get us jobs here and there, but because he was nouveau riche he remembered how hard it was for him to get his first good job, so he didn't want to send an idiot child to a prestigious job with less credentials than him. Only nouveau riche people worry about credentials. My friend who was the child pickpocket came from one of those super rich Singaporean families featured in Crazy Rich Asians, so her family couldn't care less.
Oh I need to explain, my sister isn't the kind of Asian mother who would make their kids work super hard in order to get straight As. She's surprisingly relaxed in that department actually - this pressure to do well in school doesn't come from my sister but instead from my nephew himself. Kids naturally seek approval and he knows that when he gets good grades, his parents, all the adults in his family, his teachers etc would praise him. This happened in a big way after his O levels when he really performed very well, so everyone was showering him in praises and naturally, he enjoyed that kind of attention. Who wouldn't? So in his mind, that's a way to earn the praise and approval of people in his life and he doesn't have the social skills to do it any other way - let's turn this around Amanda and imagine if I wanted to establish rapport with you. Do I try to do something so amazing that you would admire and respect me - or do I simply say, Amanda, let's find something we both like and so we can find an activity to connect over. Even if it's watching a Russian box set of the crazy lifestyle of the richest elites in Russia (I swear you will love that show Amanda), then that's how I would connect with you. I'll find something that we both enjoy and connect over that, I wouldn't try to impress you (that's the wrong way to approach the matter) but I'm afraid, my nephew has this attitude like, "if it worked once, I can use that method again then when I get straight As for my A levels, everyone will think I'm the superstar again." I feel for your sister, you're right, she's in exactly the same position as my nephew.
DeleteAs for me tutoring my nephew in A level economics, I am not doing it because I'm some kind of old fashioned Asian old man who believes that my nephew has to score well in that exam or else - no no no, I actually believe that there are a lot of useful skills that he can develop through this process. He sucks at the subject if I may be blunt and he will never do a job that has anything to do with economics; but remember, he can still pick up useful skills like reading/listening comprehension, analysis and critical thinking through learning economics and I actually believe that training him to process information this way will serve him well in both his further education and future career. And even if he fails the subject, well as long as he has improved his reading comprehension skills in the process, then that's good enough for me.
DeleteOh so it is a self-approval type of problem. I have never watched gossip girl because I was afraid it was a caricature of rich kids and a sort of Kardashian "wealthporn", but I love shows with political intrigue like Election or even Game of Thrones. Can you give me a non Cyrillic translation of that show's name? Thanks.
DeleteYes my sister suffers a lot in our family because of the expectations. As a result she's trying to get into medical school but can't clear the entrance exams. Me and my brother have said that it's fine not to be a high flyer, but my sister insists just because our mom is a doctor and expects her to be one too. Also my mom isn't kind or empathetic, but because she's the parent my sister automatically respects her opinion more.
Hmm, doesn't your nephew like videogames? I didn't have the best social skills either, but I do like videogames so that's where I get most of my friends and the men I date (in the past if the guy doesn't play videogames, we have zero things to talk about during a date). Unless he's too shy to tell people about his hobbies. But I get the validation that comes from having good grades, especially if people don't praise your nephew for other things. I just grew out of it after I saw how seemingly average people can get more people to like them than I can. But then again I didn't grow up in the Asian education system which puts people with good grades on a pedestal and tells them "if you have good grades it will magically fix all the problems in your life." Asian society holds up grades almost like they are magic genies that can grant any wish.
Btw I do find Russian culture very interesting. Western media portrays it as a formerly communist backwater, but in the 18th and 19th centuries Russia was a world superpower. They had a lot of influential writers, philosophers, politicians (Catherine the Great!), not to mention scientists and mathematicians. Culturally they are very rich and have their own unique way of doing things. Also the situation with the Russian Oligarchs and even Putin's rise sounds straight out of a thriller novel. I remember there was some scandal with Deutsche bank a few years back over something in Russia that a few bankers had to go on the run. There's also the situation with men dying very young in Russia due to vodka, so among women competition for men is fierce. I never paid attention to Russian culture before, but I think I would like to do that when I have more money and can travel and experience different cultures. They are a country of huge contrasts.
DeleteI presume you've been to Russia before, what was it like and what did you do there?
OK look up the show Soderzhanki - the English title is sometimes 'Golddiggers' or 'Russian affairs', but with Soderzhanki you ought to be able to find a version of it with English subtitles. I promise you by episode 3 you will be hooked. It's not just about the super rich - there are a few outsiders like Darya, Elena and Kirill who are poor but somehow have muscled their way into this elite circle and their stories are especially interesting.
DeleteWell my nephew did like videogames for a while but he sacrificed that to study hard. Mind you his father plays video games that's why it is readily available in the house so it's not like it was something he went out of his way to find. I did even go out of my way to check his scores of the games he plays with a professional gamer and I have confirmation that he has no talent in that department, certainly not enough to consider a career in gaming given that his scores are below average. Heck, just to compare, I like singing - I torture my neighbours most warm summer evenings, I bring out my boom box, put on my playlist and go to my roof garden where I either exercise or do some gardening and I'll sing along to my favourite songs. Do I enjoy singing like that? Yes I do. Am I a good singer? Hell no, I am so terrible, like if you were there you would run away given how awful I am. My point is simple: just because you enjoy something doesn't mean you're any good at it.
But yes, I've figured out the formula to form relationships with people without trying to impress them - needless to say, it is hard to try to impress people all the time but it is much easier to find common ground so you can be on the same wavelength to establish rapport. I have become good at the latter because it's so much easier than the former. That's all about social skills of course which sadly, is an area that my nephew is needs to work on.
Part 2 about Russian culture coming up.
Now onto Russia - I've only been to Russia once but here's the thing: I speak Russian because I worked 13 years with Russian people! There was 8 years in one company where you had to either speak French or Russian - I got in through the French route and the French people would say shit about the Russians to each other in French and the Russians would do the same thing but everyone was so polite to each other in English. I then just picked up Russian very organically whilst working there before I then declared myself to be Russian-speaking and they were like "holy shit, he understood all the nasty things we said about the French team? Now he is going to translate everything to them, quick, we need to get him on our side so we know what the French team are saying about the Russian team." Go figure, that's me, the guy from Singapore who ended up speaking French and Russian at work. Then I worked 5 years for an Estonian company which had a lot of Russian-speaking Estonian staff there and Russian was often spoken in the office anyway, so that's 13 years in a Russian speaking environment and if you can't speak basic Russian after being exposed to that language that long!!! I am okay with basic conversational Russian - I have traveled to Russia only once but I have also gone to other ex-USSR republics like Estonia, Latvia, Lithuania and Georgia where Russian is still very much the language spoken there and it is a lingua franca in parts of Eastern Europe. I remember on my last trip to Estonia, I wanted to find the local supermarket and so I popped into a shop where there were two little old ladies chatting away in Estonian. I don't speak enough Estonian to ask for detailed directions but we ended up conversing in Russian - so my Russian is good enough for that kind of conversation. And when I was in Georgia, I was in a very remote part of the country where the local tourist office managed to help me get a driver to go to a few places which were off the public transport network - he spoke very little English so for that part of the trip, we spoke to each other only in Russian.
DeleteRussia is fascinating. Hardly anyone speaks English and I love it like that. The food is actually better than most people give it credit for. There are these canteens where the little old lady would have prepared all of these dishes: there'll be like chicken, beef, various kinds of cooked vegetables, soups, salads, potato, fish, rice, pasta etc and they would speak no English at all) - you would then tell them what you want (in Russian of course) she will get it for you; it is always so delicious and ridiculously cheap. Like I can get a full meal for two adults for a few USDs and we would have soup, salad, vegetables, chicken, pasta, drinks, some fruit etc. Public transport is well organized and super cheap though of course, nothing is in English - oh I remember how I adopted a Spanish family who were hopelessly lost in St Petersburg. They spoke some English which was totally useless in Russia, so I approached them and spoke to them in Spanish and you should have seen the look on that old Spanish woman's face when I switched from English to fluent Spanish. I would definitely go back to Russia, there's so much to see and do - it's a thoroughly fascinating place. Yeah they hate gays but you know what, nobody ever harassed my husband and I. It's not like we held hands in public or tried to kiss etc - no no no, we were just two friends traveling together and got two single beds when we shared a room. We kept a fairly low profile and had no trouble at all there. There's "tourist Russia" where they take you on a guided tour of the top tourist destinations with an English speaking guide and then there's everyday, ordinary Russia for ordinary (very poor) Russian people. I find exploring both sides of Russia very interesting.
*Allow me to explain what I meant when I said I "adopted" that Spanish family. I asked them where they wanted to go and it turns out they wanted to see the main sights in St Petersburg (just like my husband and I) and so I suggested we explored the city together that day, so I could give my Spanish some practice as well as helping them overcome the language barrier. I love meeting random people from other countries when traveling, it's one of the best parts of traveling.
DeleteOoh that show about rich Russians reminds me of the American tv show "Succession" about a billionaire family with children vying over who will succeed their father as CEO. There are some regular people who are trying to climb the ladder to get rich themselves, and they are far more interesting I feel. I'll definitely check out that Russian show.
DeleteOh wow you really did well for yourself speaking Russian and French and being on the side of two different teams, but getting both of them to like you instead of hate you(also possible). That was nice of you to help out the Spanish family in Russia. They must've been absolutely clueless since hardly any locals would speak Spanish or English. That canteen kinda reminds me of a hawker center, but it's nice to meet cultures who are generous with food. I probably would've ordered everything too haha. Its a shame Russian cuisine isn't more exported. I remember in Singapore in my boardgame group there was a Russian couple who hosted a new year's party. And they cooked Russian Olivye salad, as well as Napoleon cake. It was so amazing... Too bad I can't buy either of those anywhere in America or Singapore. Russians are more reserved than Americans, but if you get close to them then they start to get really wild haha.
There are the bad things the news talks about in Russia, like the lack of LGBT rights and racism, but even rich western countries have the same issues in more rural areas or even in parts of major cities. I live in a relatively liberal city and go to a liberal university. But when I was using the university's roommate service some people put in their description "believes in Christian family values and wants someone similar", which is code for "No Gays." Discrimination is everywhere I suppose, which doesn't mean one can't enjoy new places even if they aren't the best.
I think the Spanish family were hoping for the locals to speak some English but were shocked that the locals spoke virtually no English. The only person I got chatting to in English in Russia was a waiter in a restaurant - he told me he was a university student learning English as part of his degree and was keen to practice. This was actually in a rather posh restaurant near the hotel - it was late that evening and we picked that restaurant just because it was right next to the hotel, the waiter was a pleasant surprise! So yeah, you will randomly run into English speakers like that once in a while in Russia. As for Russians getting wild, Amanda oh you should have seen the office parties we had when there was a free bar - there is a massive drinking culture there.
DeleteYou're totally right about the homophobia and racism - I've found that in most big cities even in places which are supposedly homophobic (UAE, Oman, Hungary, Poland, Turkey, Tunisia, Morocco and Russia just to name a few) I've had no problems at all. But then again, I'm just a tourist who is very, very careful not to do anything overtly gay. And you're right, I am just there to enjoy a holiday and learn about their country, I can't fix their problems so I ignore them.
Lol yeah Russia and Eastern Europe hasnt reached the same level of English speakers as Western Europe. I am frequently surprised how well southern Europeans and the Germans/Dutch speak English. But with the Eastern Europeans, the wife in the Russian couple I met was still learning English when she got to Singapore, though she was very nice and tried her best with the words she knew.
DeleteSo would you say Russia is friendly to Asian tourists? I dunno what is Russia's relationship to China or what Russians think of Chinese people nowadays, since they used to be communist allies.
On the topic of people acting "overtly gay" or not in a maybe hostile environment. Frequently I find that acquaintances I have known for months only reveal they are gay and start acting more gay after they've gotten to know me and my liberal politics. A labmate I've known for 18 months only recently told me he has a boyfriend who has been living with him since covid started. Before that on zoom staff meetings he would use the gender neutral term "partner" to describe another person making noises in his apartment. I guess he wanted to make sure I wasn't a conservative Christian girl before outing himself because that would've been awkward to deal with.
Allow me to compare two cities in Europe to make my point: Vienna and Moscow. Vienna is at the crossroads of Europe, it is so close to the border with Slovakia and Hungary is not far away either - so naturally people need a lingua franca to communicate when in Vienna and that just defaults to English. So you can walk into a bar, shop, restaurant etc in Vienna and everyone's happy to speak English with you. But in Moscow, the people who go to Moscow tend to be Russian or Russian speaking (like from an ex-USSR republic) so there's little chance of encountering someone who isn't Russian speaking, so Moscow tends to be a lot less English-speaking than Vienna for that simple reason - it is a lot more homogeneous compared to a city like Vienna at the crossroads of Europe.
DeleteI think that Russia is very friendly to Asian tourists cos they badly need tourists, they are poor - I will compare it to Indonesia. Sure there are the mega rich 1% but the vast majority are poor and when tourists show up with hard cash willing to spend money, they do treat them well at least from a commercial point of view; so if you show up in a shop, they would smile, be very friendly and welcoming cos they want/need you to spend as much money as possible. I want to stress that this is a rather commercial approach to friendliness, rather than 'they like Asian people' no - I think the latter is a bit ridiculous. There's a difference. Poorer countries that rely on tourism have to treat their tourists well. Having said that, I have suffered appalling racism in Indonesia because I look Chinese and that's another story for another day.
Here's a 3-minute summary of the Sino-Soviet relations: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M24mK3o8Qzw
As for the whole gay thing, there's enough material there for me to talk about in an entire blog post, perhaps I will write about being out at work soon. Akan datang.
Oh yeah Russia was once its own little empire that made the neighboring countries with different ethnic groups all speak Russian. Angela Merkel even speaks Russian because she grew up in East Germany.
DeleteAhh okay, so Russia is "tourist friendly" even if they aren't necessarily immigrant friendly. That reminds me of Bali and the Kristen Gray debacle during the covid pandemic. So there was this digital nomad named Kristen Gray who moved to Bali with her girlfriend just after the pandemic happened. And she told people online about how affordable and LGBT friendly Bali was. I'm not gonna get into how she was deported for working illegally in the country, but many Indonesians were upset she was saying Bali was LGBT friendly since the straight locals are only kind to gay foreigners. Indonesia is still very intolerant of local LGBT people even if it will happily accept foreign gay dollars. The same applies for race as well.
Looking forward to your next post.
That's right, Russian used to be the lingua franca not just in the USSR but from countries as diverse as East Germany to Mongolia to even Vietnam. I have turned up in Vietnam speaking English, French, Chinese and Russian - Chinese was the least useful as they don't like the Chinese. Only the extremely old and some who work with tourists speak any French, but a small number actually spoke Russian given that Vietnam had a terrible relationship with China so the law of "my enemy's enemy is my friend" applied so for a while, Vietnam had a lot of dealings with the Soviet Union and some older Viets actually speak a little Russian. I have managed to use Russian as a lingua franca in weird places from Vietnam to Estonia to Hungary to Bosnia to Romania and even Turkey. Go figure.
DeleteBut yes the Kristen Gray case is a good example - when I am a tourist, I am just a paying customer and they don't ask a paying customer any personal questions about my sexuality; that's totally off limits. I faced racism as a Chinese person in Indonesia despite the fact that I speak Malay (and a little B.I. - like I know when to use bisa instead of boleh etc) but that's racism as opposed to homophobia. Even when I was in Bintan, I actually came out to my guide (who was a Chinese-Indonesian) and he said that nobody cares as long as you mind your own business, don't talk to the locals about LGBT issues and most of all, do not have sex with a local. Then the locals will be more than happy to look the other way and mind their own business - but as for the Chinese, oh that's a whole other story.
Oh I didn't know some Vietnamese spoke Russian, but there was after all the Vietnam war which was a proxy war between the Soviet Union and the US. The Turkish are also quite friendly with the Russians too.
DeleteSo you can't even screw a local in Indonesia? That's a serious case of double standards because straight locals love dating straight foreigners. It was super common in Bali to see foreign tourists fall in love with a local, marry, and the foreigner moving to Indonesia to settle down.
Yeah Indonesia can be very racist, but not much more/less than most countries. The Chinese aren't really considered fully-Indonesian in Indonesia, but they mind their own business by living in their own neighborhoods where most people are Chinese. But like you said, what can you do to change a particular society when you're just one tourist?
Oh there's even some Albanians who speak Chinese - weird thing, Albania got really friendly with China in Mao's era https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whcB_YH9Q2k So I have read articles about how Albanians who had gone to Chinese universities (Albania received a lot of aid from China in that period) and came back speaking Mandarin but when I went to Albania, everyone offered to speak to me in English and I couldn't find one of those fabled Mandarin-speaking Albanians.
DeleteWhen I was in Ubud Bali, I did stay at a gay guest house - it was run by an Australian white guy and his much younger local boyfriend. I actually talked to the local guy in both BI and English whilst most foreigner guests just thought, oh he probably doesn't speak English I'll just speak to the boss man who is white. So cases like that do exist, the gay Balinese guy tracked me down years later and added me on Instagram - they now live in Melbourne and he seems pretty happy there in Australia. Well I'm very glad to see a happy ending to that story; like the white guy didn't just abandon him when he moved back to Australia or traded him for an even younger Asian gay guy.
Lol Alex hunting for exotic language speakers in each country. China is trying to get buddy-buddy with the Balkans right now, but I don't know if that applies to educational exchange programs.
DeleteAww that's sweet, in that case the Indonesian moved to the foreigner's home country. Yeah people don't like those types of rich tourists who just casually date locals and dump them for another as soon as they get bored. Btw I don't think that a younger Asian gay guy is that desperate for money that they would pick a rich old man who only likes them for looks and would trade them in. Just like the straight community even a poorer woman/man looking for an older rich person would find one with some affection towards them that would stay for the long term. And as a good-looking person they have many options to pick and choose from anyway.
Well in the past, Albania was such a poor place that they literally had no decent universities - like you could turn up at their university and it would not have enough books in the library, not enough teaching staff etc. So back in the day, China said, "send your scholars to China and get an education here in China". That's how you had Chinese-speaking Albanian scholars in Albania from 1960 to 1985 before English pretty much replaced Albanian or Chinese as the language of further education because if you're going to fill a university library with books, you're going to need books in English rather than just Albanian books. So today, English is the default second language of Albania and the Chinese doing business there just speak English with the locals.
DeleteI've been invited to a house-warming party for next weekend and this guy has his own swimming pool and tennis court in his house - these are the kind of people I work with. Good grief. It is freaking insane, the only catch is that it is not in London so I have got to get the train out of London but you can see why this work environment is an eye-opener for me. I think it is good to be mixing with people like that because it makes me wanna be more successful.
Yeah Albania is a poor country today, so I can't imagine what they were like in the 60s-80s. But nowadays English is the lingua franca, especially for academia where all research communications are done in English.
DeleteCool! I've seen people with huge swimming pools/backyards but never a tennis court. Maybe if this person lives in Surrey or one of the surrounding areas of London that rich people like to live. Y'know Alex a lot of people would feel insecure whenever they meet someone much more successful than them, but in your case you just think "That's possible? Well then I want to achieve that." I think that's a great attitude to have.
Oh Amanda, you've just described the situation with my father and my uncle (ie. my father's older brother). I did tell you before I had a late uncle who was one of those crazy rich Asians - he had a massive business empire and a huge house etc. My father's way to deal with that was to pretend his brother never existed - good grief. If I had a big brother who was that rich, I would ask him for help, "teach me how to become rich too" or better still, at least give me some money, share the money but no, my father minimized contact with his older brother citing him as a bad influence because he had divorced his first wife. I'm determined to do the complete opposite of what my father did and I am going to that house with the tennis court (might even play tennis there).
DeleteThat is so lame, the average person would have been extremely grateful to have a rich sibling instead of ghosting them. Also, its not like your father has a good marriage either. I think he was just too poor to afford a divorce lawyer or too lazy to deal with the paperwork. Also he sounds like a person who just doesn't try in life. To ask a rich sibling for help, one has to have some motivation/drive to succeed. Meanwhile your father picked a career which at the time had one of the lowest barriers to entry.
DeleteBtw I hope they will serve good food at this housewarming party. Rich people usually hire amazing catering for their parties. Tennis sounds fun, I didn't know you played other sports besides gymnastics.
Well my father's emotional response is more than lame, his autism is way off the scale so he defaulted to pretended that his rich older brother didn't exist. That's like an ostrich burying its head in the sand so the ostrich cannot see the predator approaching, it is an emotionally retarded response to such a situation. Imagine how his life might have turned out if he asked his brother to help him find a job which would have paid a bit more than teaching.
DeleteI do enjoy other sports but I only train gymnastics on a regular basis. You don't have to be a national champion to enjoy a sport - if you give me the chance to play tennis, I'll have a lot of fun even if I am not that good at it. Sports should be social, that's why people enjoy doing it; it shouldn't have a high barrier to entry and I'd love to see a lot more people enjoying sports then we don't have such an obesity epidemic in our society today.
Yeah its so weird to find out that you had a rich uncle all along despite growing up poor. If your dad was less autistic he probably would've asked for a job recommendation to lift his family out of poverty.
DeleteYeah I also love basketball and soccer but I prefer to only do club fencing because that's my favorite. I hope there are enough other tennis players at the party for you to play against. Regarding the obesity epidemic, some people in America think I'm "bougie" because I do club sports and I cook lots of vegetables. But in SG club sports cost almost nothing, and people of all social classes ate good food and exercised a lot. For all the shit we talk about the SG government, one thing they do really well is provide affordable vegetables, and promote sports. That is actually very difficult for western governments to do as well.
Well the way I see it, I'm more than happy to go out of my way to help my nephew in any way I can because he is family and that's the kind of help you can get from within your family network. My father was so ashamed of being poorer than his brother than he developed this attitude which was, "no thanks, I don't need any help, there's nothing wrong with the life I lead as a teacher and I most certainly don't need any help."
DeleteI think that's quite ridiculous of course because if that help is available, why not take it and then say, "thank you very much for your help!" Such is the Asian mindset when it comes to asking for help - geez, if only I got a bit more help when I was younger, I would be so incredibly grateful. It was out of pride that my father refused to ask for help and I'm like, well I hope it was worth it cos pride doesn't put food on the table y'know, it doesn't pay your bills. He could have approached his big brother humbly for help and no doubt, his big brother would have gone out of his way to help him.
DeleteHey Alex thanks for sharing a post on education, which I'm going into. I like the 'anything you can do, I can do better'. I think that's sort of my teaching approach: I tell students sincerely 'if I can do it, you can do it too' since I really don't think I am that brainy from the bottom of my heart so I hope my students can all do better than me!
ReplyDeleteThe culture of if I can't do well you can't either is indeed very toxic but is understandable when they feel that the big environment is just working against them. No wonder rich people often learn to be living low-key 低調的奢華。
I think the UK's education has put emphasis on including these people like your nephew with special education needs. But again I think it's down to the school. Whether or not to set up support for SEN in every school or just have schools that focus on people with Dyslexia, for example, is probably another long discussion.
And being bullied at school can definitely be very devastating for long term but I guess we all have to come across some failures in social skills at some point of life.
Hi Ray. It does take a lot of self-confidence to be able to adopt that 'anything you can do, I can do better'. The word is chutzpah - it's that overwhelming sense of confidence but we need a conducive environment for that to happen. So for example, in my gym the other day, a group of guys were doing this skill https://www.instagram.com/p/CS43XmsDqim/ I am only posting the video of the final product, it took me a few attempts to get it right but it was not like I was trying to outdo the guy who first did it, I was in an environment where I was encouraged by the others who said to me, "if I can do it, you can do it too." Such is the difference between a conducive and a toxic environment. I was encouraged to try by the others and I felt that they wouldn't judge me if I failed - instead, I was supported by the others until I succeeded. That should be the kind of environment for our students to learn, not that toxic hell-hole that's my nephew's school.
DeleteThe thing about this incident is that many people are focused on the fact that my nephew is a victim here - he's totally innocent, he's just a quiet kid in school but some idiot has stolen his books and revision notes. But what I am also trying to discuss is the mindset of the bully who stole his books and notes - I refer you to the discussion I had with Amanda about the 'Japanese slippery stairs game show'. The awful teachers at his school have created a toxic environment and I blame the teachers for this, the buck stops with the teachers.
Wow. After reading your posts, my heart really goes out to your nephew. I think regular zoom calls to check up on his mental wellbeing would make a great difference, since you cannot be there physically for him. And yes, he is really lucky that he could go to any university in the world, and that his parents would be willing to fork out about 300k SGD if he doesn't have a scholarship or something. Plus, industry connections are so important. But of course, this doesn't negate the trauma and suffering he had to experience from being bullied in school. To this day, I still feel resentful that I was bludgeoned through the Singapore education system. I also read your other article about bullying, and I think it resonates with me. There is post-traumatic stress disorder, then there is post-traumatic growth. I agree that not everyone can emerge from their hardship and become a hero in their own life story. For me, I used to be jaded, disillusioned and bitter due to my life circumstances, but I am slowly climbing out of the rut and rebuilding my life and confidence, and not to fall prey to "victim mentality".
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Bella. I am not quite sure what to do with my nephew, I have always believed in the good cop, bad cop approach. In banking, we talk about a well-balanced portfolio, so if you are going to invest a million dollars, you won't put all of it in the same product - you would invest in different products, some higher risk, some lower risk in order to diversity your portfolio. I know what his mother is like, she is the good cop and I think he also needs a bit of tough love to balance that out - that usually comes from his father but I am old fashioned, I believe in boys being tough, especially since he has to start his NS in early 2021, that could be just 5 months way. So I don't quite know how to approach the situation, I am trying to evaluate what the best approach should be and I don't want to be too much on the 'tough love' bad cop side as that might just make the situation worse. But on the other hand, there are enough good cops there already in the form of his mother and my other sister, ie. his auntie.
DeleteI'm afraid my nephew is not scholarship material but that doesn't matter - scholarships are for poor kids who don't have rich parents to fund their studies. I needed a scholarship as I was a poor kid back then but now, my nephew has so many adults in his life willing to throw money at his education. He doesn't realize a) just how lucky he is and b) how many of his peers would give an arm and a leg for that kind of privilege that they can only dream about. I do think he takes his privilege for granted, but he is also clueless in not actually realizing it: he thinks he actually needs to get good grades to go to a good university to get a good job when really, he's going to have to rely on his parents and family for help. I had to do everything myself because my parents were in no position whatsoever to help me at all, like my father doesn't even speak English but my nephew is certainly not in the same position I was when I was 18. The biggest problem is that my nephew is so brainwashed that he believes in the system and I need to break that spell.
I'm so sorry to hear about this awful bullying of your nephew. Unfortunately, we all have our fair share of bullying experience during our school days. Like you mentioned, this could really be a blessing in disguise, to have your nephew studying in UK would be the best outcome, and hopefully you can then spend more time with him.
ReplyDeleteHi there I.A., thanks for your kind comment. Yes he just has to get through the next 3 months, survive NS and then fingers crossed, after that, he'll be on his way to the UK after NS. That's what I'm hoping for, that'll be the best outcome for him in the long run and being the uncle, I don't get a say in what happens but I'm hoping for the best.
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ReplyDeleteHi Alex, I'm pretty perplexed why your sister and brother-in-law would enrol your nephew in a public school, when they have the means to send him to private schools or an overseas school (as you mentioned)that are better catered to severe his special needs. The public school system is really rigid can only deal with normal kids who have no issues fitting in. Heck a kid just got hacked to death by an older kid with mental issues in a good school here, and the staff couldn't identify the red flags despite the latter having had suicidal tendencies in the past. I digress, but a good private school could have really helped your nephew with his social skills, as they focus on other aspects of educations besides academics
ReplyDeleteHello Ayhtas, allow me to explain the decision making process. I don't think there was ever going to be a perfect option, just which one was going to be the 'least bad' option and allow me to explain why they picked this path for him to go through the mainstream public schooling system in Singapore. Firstly, the main rationale was "well he was gonna have to assimilate and learn to get along with people in Singapore eventually - be it in NS or when he starts working, so we may as well let him start learning that as a child through school." There is some truth to that but if he is simply going to face so much bullying at school, then there comes a point where I have to say, "yeah I can see your point but you've underestimated the problems he would face in a mainstream school and you've also underestimated how shitty the other students can be." The one thing that he needs more than anything else is one-on-one teaching; some students can put up with the neglect they suffer (ie. they're able to function very autonomously with little help - not ideal, but they can cope), I don't like the scrutiny of a teacher but some other students need as much help and attention as they can get. Such is the case of my nephew and whilst my parents are pretty bad teachers, at least they did give my nephew a lot of attention when he was younger (we're talking about the period up till he completed primary school) and surely, even I would admit that amount of attention has benefited his development. Some kids just need more help and my nephew is one of them - sending him to an overseas or private school where he can have a lot more attention from the teachers would be ideal but then again, I think any student would benefit from having more attention from the teachers.
DeleteSo the problem with the local education system is two-fold: firstly, the class sizes are way too big and the individual student is not getting enough attention. So the student is forced to seek help outside the school and luckily for my nephew, his parents can pay for any kind of help he needs and I can help him with his economics. On the other hand, he is so miserable in that school because they think that the answer to making students score well is to make them do a lot of homework, like an insane amount of homework so he has no free time, not enough sleep - he is drowning in homework and that's a dumb approach. My approach to this is targeted testing: I would sit down with my nephew over Zoom and ask him questions to test his understanding on certain topics, to check that he knows the topic well. I have all the time in the world for my nephew but does your average JC teacher have the time to do this for every single student? Nope, no way.
But it is way too late to think about an alternative now. He's doing his prelims now and he will be doing his A levels in like two to three months. I can only cross my fingers and really hope that they will send him to the UK for university - I don't get a say in the issue I'm afraid but that's for me would be a great outcome.
He will look back on these experiences with wisdom and street smarts. Let him figure it out. Continue to support him with love and your wisdom.
ReplyDeleteMany thanks for your kind words & support Di.
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