Changing jobs as a 45 year old man

Hello guys. I have already talked about this with my reader Amanda in the comments section of my recent posts so this isn't anything new or secret but yeah, I'm changing jobs and I'm quite excited. This was a process that took a while and I didn't want to talk about it publicly until I was very sure exactly what my next step would be. I hear so many stories about guys my age (I'm 45 by the way) losing their jobs and ending up becoming angry, bitter Uber/Grab drivers and so I wanted to share my experience to show you how I coped with this situation. Thus allow me to start at the very beginning. 

I was elbowed out of my previous job. 

Now in my previous job, I was doing a mix of sales, marketing and business development. The company had shifted its base of operations from London to Tallinn in Estonia, Eastern Europe a few years ago because it's a much cheaper city to operate out of. There are plenty of highly educated young Estonians who would give anything for a job like that and salaries are a lot lower than in London - given that the company's clients are global, their operating costs went down whilst their profits went through the roof. Then along came the pandemic which shifted a lot of the client-facing meetings online, given that people were refusing or unable to meet because of social distancing rules. The company had originally kept me on because it was good to have a guy on the ground in London to attend meetings and events, but that need disappeared with the pandemic. Furthermore, the company went completely high-tech with their online CRM system: that means that their distributors can log their trades online, get paid their placement fees without ever having to speak to a human being. Allow me to compare this to online banking: in the past, you used to have to go to a bank to speak to a human being behind a counter to even do basic transactions like making a transfer. However, most of us do our banking online without ever having to set foot in a branch and even if you do need to speak to a human being, you would do it via telephone banking rather than actually visit a branch. Hence as a result, banks closed many branches there operated and moved their services online. In short, the writing was on the wall for me: my days were numbered as the company already had enough business coming through the door to not bother paying me to do even more business development. 

The last straw that broke the camel's back.

Typically, the last straw that broke the camel's back was a relatively minor dispute. One of my former colleagues in Tallinn had been struck down with Covid and she played a fairly major role in managing the online CRM system. The person who was supposed to cover her was young and completely inexperienced, so I thought that if she was left to flounder, the distributors would not be paid in time and I didn't want to take that risk. So rather than trying to step in to train that young colleague what to do, I swooped in and did her job for her without asking for permission to help; given that I knew exactly what to do and my priority was to make sure nothing fell through the cracks whilst we were serving clients. The boss got very angry with me for not following protocol - I didn't ask for permission to help my young colleague, I took the initiative and that wasn't appreciated. The more I tried to defend my actions, the worse things got - eventually it was decided that me taking the initiative like that rendered me 'not a good fit' for the team anymore and that it was time for me to part ways with the company. Given what had happened, I only regret that I didn't jump before I was pushed, but that's a moot point at this stage because the result would have been totally the same. Hindsight is 2020 of course, I should have seen this coming but I wasn't going to let it get me down. I just wanted my last invoice to be paid, so I could leave after having been paid every penny I was due and sure enough, I was paid in full and on time as well, so I just shrugged my shoulders and thought, "this company spent so much time, money and effort teaching me so much about the industry and now, another employer is going to benefit from that expertise - anyone needs a fixed income distribution specialist?"

Was I unfairly terminated? 

Some of my friends told me that I had been unfairly treated by my former employers and that I should try to sue them for unfair dismissal, but I am not interested in going down that route. After all, I didn't want to leave on bad terms and it would be a lot of time, energy and effort invested in a vendetta that wouldn't bring much reward. No, instead I would much rather focus my energy on moving on with my life and doing something a lot more productive. I have this gay friend in Singapore (let's call him Neil, not his real name) who had a very toxic relationship that didn't last very long - it has been several years since he has broken up with his ex but half his content on social media is this very angry, bitter rhetoric attacking his ex. Like seriously, I look at some of his posts then I just shake my head and think, "you really need help mate, please go speak to a therapist. You're never going to solve any of your problems by venting on social media like this." The problem is that he is attracting attention from other people who are equally bitter about those who have wronged them, so they are encouraging each other to be bitter and angry, wallowing in this self-pity that is incredibly self-destructive. I bet his ex has long moved on with his life and doesn't even spend a moment thinking about Neil but Neil is still carrying that emotional baggage around with him every single day and that poison is eating him up from inside. If someone has wronged you, either try to do something about the situation there and then or choose to move on quickly - but don't be like Neil and drink from that toxic cup of angry poison for the rest of your life. I think it is important for Neil to deal with his feelings in a far more constructive manner rather than stay angry indefinitely, even if he has been wronged. 

Another case study: Mr Castle's bad decision

Let me tell you about another friend whom I shall call Mr Castle (not his real name, but he lives in the neighbourhood of Elephant and Castle in London). Back in the early 2000s, Mr Castle had a successful IT company which was his own start up which he ran with his business partner - in 2004, a big company offered them £10 million to buy up their company, that would have left Mr Castle with a retirement fund of £5 million if he had accepted at that point. He was more than willing to accept that offer but his business partner said no, the company is worth more than that - we ought to enter into negotiations for a much bigger sum of money. The business partner had asked for £25 million but the other party said no, as much as we like what you do, that valuation is crazy. So his business partner thought it was going to be a long process where they would haggle, bargain and negotiate slowly, eventually settling at the £12 to £15 million region and for a gain of a few million pounds, Mr Castle reluctantly agreed to be a part of that negotiation. What then happened was a rival company (let's call them ACE) developed a similar idea and their R&D team actually presented an very similar version of the same concept, so the big company offered ACE £10 million and they said yes immediately. The moment that agreement was reached, the negotiations with Mr Castle and his business partner terminated abruptly - even though Mr Castle then desperately went back and said, "we will accept £9 million now", they were told the deal had been done with ACE already and there was no going back from a signed contract. Obviously, the disappointment was palpable and rightfully so because Mr Castle was incredibly close to walking away with £5 million if only he followed his initial instincts.

It wasn't like "oh we'll just find another company who would buy us out for £10 million" - once the big company bought ACE out, they gave them so much investment to take their R&D further that they would bury the competition and that was exactly what had happened. What Mr Castle should have done was to cut his losses and start all over again but instead, he got very angry with his business partner and blamed him for what happened. We could discuss till the cows came home as to how much blame Mr Castle could reasonable pin on his business partner as he did after all agree to participate in the negotiations to get more money from the deal but after things fell apart, Mr Castle played the victim, fell out with his business partner and threatened to sue him for compensation. Of course, it was a totally ridiculous case that never went to court, but Mr Castle did waste a lot of money on legal fees to explore how he could try to get some form of compensation from his former business partner. Mr Castle never tried to start a company again - like Neil, he is way too bitter and angry to move on; but ironically, his former business partner did start another new company after that and went on to become extremely successful; this makes Mr Castle even more angry and upset. It is very hard to try to be supportive or understanding in Mr Castle's case because he doesn't want to listen to anything I have to say - he just wants to vent his anger to anyone who would listen to his story about what happened in 2004 (and that's 17 years ago). Sadly, Mr Castle is a broken and angry old man today, totally consumed by his anger and spends his days talking about what could have been; thus I am choosing to move on quickly and I refuse to be angry and bitter like Neil and Mr Castle. 

So what did I do next?

Ironically, not much. We had just come out of lockdown and I was able to indulge in activities that I had not done since December 2020 - so I was catching up with friends, going to train at my gymnastics club and just generally bumming around instead of looking for a new job if I may be totally honest. I enjoyed being unemployed and having so much time on my hands to do anything I wanted. What I did do was to speak to a few friends to simply bounce a few ideas as to what my next step ought to be and out of that came three job offers. Without actually looking for a new job, I had three companies willing to hire me because of my expertise in the industry. One such job offer came about when a former colleague in Tallinn ran into someone I shall refer to as Elena (not her real name) - Tallinn is a small place after all. Elena and I used  to work on the same team in that company and I got along quite well with her but Elena left at the end of last year. I didn't know what Elena did next but once Elena found out through the grapevine that I had left the company, she immediately got on the phone and said to me, "I now work for a brilliant company and the boss is British, let's work together again! We make a great team, I'll arrange for you to have lunch with my boss later this week and just hear what he has to offer." Oh it was great talking to Elena because she could understand my frustrations with the whole situation. What then happened next was a few weeks of meetings with these three companies for me to find out exactly what they had on offer for me and to decide if I was going to be a good fit for these companies. It was important for me to make the right choice, I wasn't going to rush into it - one should never make big decisions when under stress or feeling emotional. 

How do I make the right choice?

I managed to eliminate one of the job offers by default, I got along really well with the CEOs of two of the companies whilst the third company just wasn't as forthcoming. That company didn't really stand out anyway so I was really looking for any excuse to narrow the field down to two companies. I was then presented with a choice: Elena's employer is bigger, more well-established and has more products to offer. I had a look at their marketing information - it was all very professionally put together and meets all the industry standards. However, the other company is younger, more dynamic, has fewer products and their marketing materials did not meet my own high standards (well, I've worked in sales & marketing in finance for so long, nothing gets past my scrutiny). Furthermore, Elena's employer has already penetrated the Latin American and East Asian market whereas the other company would love to but has yet to do so. Therein lies my choice: I look at Elena's company and think, these guys are so brilliant and successful - what the hell do they need me for? Whereas in the other company, I can see how I can add a lot of value quite quickly in a number of areas where they are lacking and they're willing to empower me to do so. So a person who is less of a risk taker would obviously pick Elena's company and choice but that's not me - after all, I'm a maximizer, not a settler. Hence I am going for the option where I can add the most value and make the most of a difference there, thus I told Elena's boss my rationale for picking that other company; so he said that he respected my decision and the door is always open if things don't work out there. 

Wait, so you didn't even look for a new job? 

That's right. I was totally lazy and I simply didn't bother. I already had three great job offers on the table, two of which were very attractive so I figured, even if I went to hunt for a fourth or fifth option, it would just mean  having one or two more companies to have to say no to. I've been on the other side of the equation before where I needed to hire just one person and I would effectively call off the search if I think I have managed to find a suitable candidate - prolonging that search process when you already think you have found what you're looking for is neither constructive nor productive. I would much rather say, "right, I have made up my mind. I know exactly what I am going to do next, I'm so looking forward to the next chapter of my life." So let me tell you about this guy we shall call Eugene (not his real name) who also worked in sales & marketing within the financial services industry. He lost his job at the beginning of the pandemic and he thought, it's okay, I've got loads of work experience and had a fairly senior role - I'll find something else in due course. Holy shit, it has been over a year since Eugene had lost his job and so far, all he has managed to do is a handful of short term contracts (which he had been vastly overqualified for). His job hunt has been pretty much futile as it is really hard to find a new job during a pandemic-induced recession. If Eugene had been in my position, he would have grabbed the first opportunity that came along in case they hired someone else instead so that's why I think it would be foolish to unnecessarily drag this process out any longer. That was why I decided not to even bother looking for another option as I knew I was going to accept one of the three that were on the table, sometimes you simply have to follow your gut instinct.

Lessons that I have learnt in this process: who do I turn to in a time like this?

Well, I found out quite quickly which friends actually know me very well because they were the ones I chose to speak to about the situation. Obviously some friends work within the same industry so they are in a much better position to help me evaluate my options, but otherwise some friends who didn't work in the industry were still able to help by offering me the kind of emotional support I needed whilst going through this period. Then there are people whom I just wouldn't even tell because I don't want to be disappointed by their lack of interest or poor response - thus I avoid that altogether by just never raising the topic at all with them. Of course, this includes my parents who are severely autistic but thankfully, I've not spoken to them for months. The fact is I have been using my weekend calls to help my nephew with his A level economics exams, so my parents never join that call as they wouldn't understand the lesson at all - that's fine by me, I think it might be rather boring for them just to join in Zoom call when they're unable to participate or contribute in the lesson. But as a result, I just plain stopped talking to them since I started teaching my nephew given that we have so much of the syllabus to cover before his exams. That's completely fine by me actually - I have complained in the past that my father is incredibly pessimistic and always assumes the very worst: so if you told him, "I'm starting a new job!" His response would be extremely pessimistic like, "what if it doesn't work out? What if you hate your new colleagues? What if you don't cope well in this new environment?" Whereas most normal people would have a more neutral or even optimistic response and ask questions like, "that's exciting, so what is this new job? Why did you decide to make the move? Where is your new office? What is the team like in this new company? When are you going to start this new job?" 

In the case of my extremely pessimistic father, I have seen him go through life with this pessimistic outlook for decades. So it's not personal, he is pessimistic about everything and everyone. He is severely autistic and was badly bullied by his own siblings and parents - that's one of the main reasons why he left his hometown in Malaysia to move to Singapore, he needed to get away from that toxic environment. But his extremely poor social skills meant that he continued to be badly bullied by everyone from his colleagues at work to his own wife - he doesn't have the social skills to stand up for himself or deal with a bully so he suffers in silence. That's both pathetic and pitiful. Frankly, my parents have a love-hate relationship and a totally  dysfunctional marriage. If I was closer to my father, I would have told him to leave my mother a long time ago but since we're so distant, I just shrug my shoulders and think, "you two deserve each other." Mind you, my father is now in his 80s and if you've been bullied  by so many people in his life for eight long decades, then it is bound to make you believe that everyone in this world is horrible and out to bully you. His vision of this world is so warped as he fears that everyone is out to bully him, but he doesn't recognize that this is only the case because he has such poor social skills and doesn't know how to establish good relationships with people in his life - instead, he sees himself as the innocent victim in a cruel world. "Actually people aren't  really that horrible but they hate you because you're an autistic asshole with as much charm as a soiled diaper, so it's really you with the problem, not the world." And that's why I won't be mentioning a word about this situation to him, even if I spoke to him and that is undoubtedly the best choice of action. 

Lesson 2: Always treat people you meet at work with sincerity and respect

I know this is common sense but it is worth talking about. I have already told you how one of the job offers came via Elena, a former colleague. I was actually more senior and experienced than her, but I always treated her nicely and made sure she felt supported when working with me. When she left the company, I could have thought, "see ya, we're never gonna cross paths again." But instead, I sent her a nice message to wish her the best - I did all that without knowing she would return that favour and quite frankly, I really didn't expect anything in return given that I thought she was going to leave banking altogether. She was instrumental in setting up that job offer with her current boss. The other person who went out of his way to help me is a guy I'm going to call Oliver (not his real name) - I had dealt with Oliver in the past as he was a client of the company I had worked for. I could have simply provided him with the bear minimum required of me but I went out of my way to be super helpful and sociable with him, not knowing that years from now he would return the favour. So what I didn't know was that Oliver had started doing some work for the company I am going to join and my future boss had asked Oliver, "you do know Alex right? Have you dealt with him in the past before and what was he like?" To my delight, Oliver gave me a glowing review, he said the nicest things about me and that sealed the deal for my future boss, because he trusted Oliver's opinion. Here's the thing I wish to make clear: Elena and Oliver weren't the exception, I tend to treat everyone with that same kind of sincerity and respect when I am in work mode and all I want is for them to have a high opinion of me the next time someone asks them, "tell me, what is Alex like at work?" 

Lesson 3: Be clear about what role you want to play in your new job.

I chose to be very clear about the kind of role I wanted to play in my new job - I didn't want to be completely passive and just be grateful that someone was going to employ me, no I wanted to respond by saying, "this is what I can do for you, please let me do what I am best at". Sometimes the answer to that may be, "I'm so sorry but I already have someone doing that function in the company, but there's other things for you to do." It was really on this basis that I picked one company over the other in the end as they were willing to offer me a role that was far more aligned with what I had in mind. When changing jobs, it is important to make sure that you get something you are totally happy with, so as to avoid the scenario where you jump out of the frying pan into the fire. In the past, when I was younger and more inexperienced, I have not been as assertive in this aspect and it has been to my detriment but today, with the benefit of experience and wisdom, I am far more confident when it comes to this aspect of negotiation. This is not about being arrogant or being aggressive, but more about having the confidence to say, "you know, I'm really good at performing this particular function, let me work my magic to help you in this aspect and you won't regret it, I promise you." I know I was very lucky to find a company who was willing to let me do exactly that - if I didn't find someone like them so quickly, then I suppose it would have been a very good reason for me to keep on looking until I found what I was looking for. Having said that, I can't understate just how lucky I have been for things to work out so well so quickly and that I should not take that for granted. 

Lesson 4: As for the taxi drivers, you need to dig a little deeper. 

I know I have avoided the fate of ending up as an angry, bitter 45 year old taxi driver. However, one needs more than luck to navigate a situation like that. Allow me to share with you a story about a guy who did end up as a 45 year old angry, bitter taxi driver - Gary (not his real name) was a father with a severely disabled daughter, both him and his wife spend virtually all of their free time caring for their daughter. However, that meant that Gary was often far more focused on his daughter than his work; he would show up at the office having not had a wink of sleep the previous night because his daughter was very sick the night before or he would get a phone call in the middle of the day and have to dash home to take his daughter to the hospital. Whilst it seemed like Gary had a reasonable 'excuse' every single time something like that happened, eventually the company had to get rid of Gary because he was simply not pulling his weight at work. He was so sleep deprived and missing many deadlines. It was that Gary wasn't intelligent, educated and capable - he simply wasn't in a position to focus on his work and do the job he was employed to do. As harsh as it may sound, Gary was merely reaping what he had sowed - when he tried to find a job in the same industry, he got rejected by every company he applied to because of his poor work performance affecting his reputation. In the end, he simply gave up and chose to become an Uber driver instead - he is angry and bitter today. He claimed that his employers weren't compassionate about the situation with his disabled daughter but the fact is we cannot expect our employers to solve our personal problems. The harsh truth is your personal burdens are none of their concern and they are simply paying you to do a job.

The reason why I shared the case study of Gary is because whenever you come across a story of a 45 year old who loses his job and gets reduced to driving a taxi - well, it's never straight forward. There is usually a rather obvious reason why the 45 year old is unable to find another job, such as in the case of Gary. But there are always two sides to every story and in this case, Gary claimed he was unfairly discriminated because he had a disabled daughter but his former employers will tell you that they couldn't count on Gary to work as part of a team if he kept missing work because of his daughter's situation. My point is simple: it may sound cruel, but when you hear about such stories, these people are rarely blameless, far from it! In fact they are usually in some part responsible for creating the situation they're in. Hence it is pretty obvious what the solution is: if you want to avoid ending up like Gary, then you have to sort your personal life out. We all have our cross to bear but if you do decide to accept a job, then you're duty bound to actually do the job you're paid for. I was actually a lot more sympathetic to Gary's situation when I was his colleague but the boss then simply shrugged and said, "oh please, you think Gary is the only working parent with a child? So many people who work in this company are parents too but, no we don't dash out of the office every other day just because we get a phone call or a text message - we have to make provisions for childcare and Gary can easily pay someone to help care for his disabled daughter whilst he is in the office, he doesn't need to do everything himself but somehow he thinks he has the divine right to neglect his work and miss so many the deadlines because his daughter is disabled. Please, I don't want to be unsympathetic when it comes to his severely disabled daughter but Gary is the one who is really unreasonable here." 

So there you go, that's it from me on this new chapter in my life. I am off to Portugal for a short holiday very soon and will be starting this new job when I get back, that's when I will give you an update. What do you think? Have you ever met someone like Gary who did become an angry, 45 year old taxi driver after losing his job? What about someone like Neil or Mr Castle, who are so totally consumed by their bitterness and anger after failing to move on after someone has wronged them? Do you have kind people like Elena and Oliver in your life who have gone out of their way to help you by giving you an awesome reference? If you were forced to change jobs today, how would you cope with that challenge? Do you perhaps know of others who have changed jobs after 45? Please leave a comment below, many thanks for reading.