Antipodean anecdotes 2: parenting, dancing and apologizing

Hi guys, at the risk of invading my nephew's privacy, I am going to talk about something he wrote about in his Chinese composition. He wrote a rather long piece about how he ran away from home after an argument with his parents and got kidnapped by bad people - when he was finally rescued by the police, his parents apologized to him over the argument. My father literally lost his shit over the way the story was concluded: Asian parents should never ever apologize to their children under any circumstances. He scolded my nephew angrily for being disrespectful and wanted him to rewrite the ending, he wanted the story to conclude with my nephew apologizing to his parents instead when he realized how wrong he was and how much his parents loved him. But my nephew was pretty adamant not to change his story: after all, he argued that this was just a story he made up and surely he should be able to retain control over the outcome over a piece of fiction, after all he didn't actually get kidnapped and his parents didn't actually apologize to him, none of that is real, it is just a made-up story at the end of the day. So why should my father get so angry over this piece of fiction?

Is the grass greener over there?

My regular readers will know that my father's parenting skills are non-existent to say the least - he is very much a stereotypical Asian parent. Oh I don't doubt that he dotes on my nephew, like hello? Chinese grandfather with his only grandchild? Of course he dotes on my nephew, but it was a missed opportunity. I think that in writing something like that, my nephew is expressing some hidden angst he has about his relationship with his parents and I would have used it as an opportunity to then delve a bit deeper: is this story inspired by something that happened? I think there is a conversation to be had with my nephew about how he feels about his parents and as an autistic child, he finds it hard to express his feelings or express empathy. Writing compositions at school is a rare opportunity that we get a glimpse into what he is feeling and one should take the chance to try to find out what he is really thinking through his writing. But is my father capable of that? Hell no, he's far more autistic than my nephew - he just basically shouted at my nephew and threw a childish tantrum instead of actually doing the sensible thing and having a civilized conversation with my nephew. My nephew seems to be getting more mature each time I see him - but my parents seem to become more and more irrational and childlike by that same token. Oh dear. At times like this, I'm quite relieved I live eight time zones away. 

Am I too critical of my parents' parenting styles? Maybe. But let me contrast this to something I witnessed at Sydney airport. When my flight from Sydney landed, you know how everyone is rushing to get off the plane and well, in front of me, there was a family and the little girl who was about 7 or 8 years old starting spinning around - I suppose you could call that dancing or just an attempt to make herself dizzy from the spinning. I can appreciate that children can easily get bored in airports and planes, but with everyone rushing to get off the plane, the air bridge linking the plane to the terminal was the last place for this child to be 'dancing' like that for she was blocking other passengers trying to rush past her and she could have easily been knocked over by someone dragging one of those suitcases on wheels. But you know what her father did? He said, "wow, Molly that's some really good spinning darling!" He then stopped where he was, took out his phone and starting filming his daughter, blocking everyone else. Cue #facepalm. Guess what? The grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence after all when it comes to white parents who seem to do the complete opposite of what strict Asian parents do. His response to the situation left me exasperated but as I was keen to get off the plane too, I didn't stop to argue with him over what a lousy, awful parent he was. I imagine if a Chinese girl were to do the same thing when disembarking the plane, her parents would probably scold her and drag her off into the airport at once. 

Is there a happy medium between the kind of Asian parenting that my parents offer and that Australian father I encountered at Sydney airport? Of course there is, but what should that happy medium look like? I don't quite know - I suppose good parenting is a bit like the fresh air we breathe. When it is there, it allows us to get along with life and we don't even think about it. But the moment it is something goes wrong (say you're in a lift and someone farts - oh dear, the stench fills the enclosed space and there's no where to run), it would cause you so much discomfort you would notice it immediately. If that dancing child at Sydney airport had been well behaved, I wouldn't have noticed her at all. It does go to show how I take for granted that I do expect children to behave in public. The fact that we do take it for granted most of the time means that at least in the majority of cases, most parents do a reasonably good job when it comes to parenting, hence that is why parents like the father at Sydney airport stand out because they become the exception rather than the norm. Oh believe you me, I've come across loads of shitty white parents over the years living the UK.

I was glad to have been able to catch up with an old friend of mine in Melbourne, my old colleague Clara is from Melbourne and she did spend some time working in London. I have not seen her in about ten years and she has since started a family. I did have lunch with her and of course, one of things we talked about was the issue of parenting. Clara is Australian-Chinese: her parents are from Shanghai but she's properly Aussie. Her partner is Australian too and not Chinese, so I did wonder if she would bring up her children in a more traditional Chinese way (would she turn into a Tiger Mom?) or if she would take an approach far more like that father at Sydney airport? It was an interesting conversation I had with her on the issue. She wants to be the best mother can be to her kids and she doesn't really mind which approach she takes as long as it delivers the best result for her kids. I think it is noteworthy that she places her children's welfare first before any grossly misguided notion to pass her Chinese heritage/culture onto her kids. But she's a highly educated, intelligent and rational woman, quite unlike my parents who cling onto their Chinese culture and heritage.

Clara is trying to figure out the best ways to bring up her children.

She has met my family as she had stayed with them en route to Australia when traveling from London and that led us talking about the role that grandparents play when it comes to childcare. There was one key difference in her attitude: her parents (and her parents in-laws) are old, they should not be expected to step in and handle the child care just so she can run back to work as soon as she has given birth. The grandparents are there more moral support but when it comes to the difficult tasks pertaining to childcare, it would be unfair to expect the elderly folks to undertake such a huge responsibility. I then told her about the way my parents insist on playing such a huge role in bringing up my nephew and she just shook her head. "I don't mean to judge but your parents are old - aren't you guys concerned about their health? Should your parents have been running around, chasing after their grandson to pick up after him at their age? Don't you guys have the money to hire people to help out with things like that? My mother broke her leg recently, okay it was a freak accident, she fell down - but imagine the guilt I would feel if she did that whilst taking care of my children. That would put an unnecessary strain on my relationship with her." I told her that trying to stop my parents from playing the role they have assigned themselves would lead to crazy accusations of trying to drive a wedge between them and their beloved grandson - so we have no choice but to stand back and let them do what they want or they would be upset.

Sure we have money to hire help: we have everything from sports instructors to maids to tuition teachers involved in my nephew's life now, but I think my parents have a deep distrust of anyone who isn't family. For example, I know that my nephew has an incredibly good tuition teacher called Mr Ang who doesn't take any crap from my nephew and enforces a sense of discipline that my nephew doesn't seem to get from anyone else - he is such a godsend. However, in spite of the fact that Mr Ang is doing such a good job, my mother still insists on meddling and trying to help with my nephew's homework, despite the fact that she is clearly out of her depth when it comes to my nephew's secondary school syllabus. I think my mother needs to feel like she is useful, like she is contributing somehow, hence these rather misguided efforts to help. Clara couldn't help but shake her head. She mentioned that her parents have their own active social lives and they have their own activities which enable them to find a sense of belong, fulfillment and purpose in their elderly years without having to default to childcare. What could I say? I only wished my parents were a little more like Clara's parents.

Finally, I told Clara about the story of my dad losing his temper over my nephew's composition and she laughed - typical Chinese parents, she commented. "Chinese parents don't like to have their authority challenged, even in fiction but it goes deeper than that. People who are insecure, who lack self-confidence will find it harder to apologize because they are scared that the very act of apologizing will make them look weak, they don't want to lose face." I then asked her if she would apologize to her child, if her child ran away from home and got kidnapped, like in my nephew's story. "I would be ridden with guilt of course - I think the buck does stop with the parents. If a child is naughty, then I blame the parents for not having brought the child up properly. And if my child does something like run away from home, then I have to bear part of the blame for having created that situation in the first place or at least for having failed to have prevented something like that from happening at all. If I had clearly done something wrong that resulted in the situation in the first place, then I'd own up and apologize. You can't expect a young child to take responsibility for such a grave mistake when the parents are meant to be in charge. So yes, I would certainly apologize if I had clearly done something wrong."

She elaborates. "It is a sliding scale, it depends on the child's age. When the child is just a baby, you cannot expect the baby to take any responsibility. Say the baby poops and soils the diaper, then you cannot blame the baby for having done that for the baby has no control yet over things like that. But if I catch my six year old son lying about something, then I have to question if he is old enough to understand what is means to lie about something to your parents. A teenager should definitely be held responsible for telling a lie because at that age, you definitely understand what you're doing. But a six year old? You then have to learn to exercise your judgement as a parent and try to ascertain just how much blame is appropriate and it may be the case that I realize, okay, it is my fault for not having taught him why lying is wrong - it is something I have to undertake, it is my responsibility to teach my child about things like that as I can't expect him to figure this out for himself. The focus for me then is what I need to do to rectify the situation, I would put my child's needs first. To worry about whether or not your child will still respect you if you apologize or whether or not you will lose face in front of your child - that's just wrong. If you choose to be a parent, you need to put your child's needs before your own. It frustrates me when Asian parents worry about things like losing face or status instead of the needs of their children. I'm not saying white Australian parents always get it right either and as a parent myself, I just hope I get the balance right."

Do I think it is right for parents to apologize to their children? I think that's the wrong question - after all, if parents already have a healthy relationship with their children, then apologizing over a genuine mistake isn't going to change anything. And if you think that somehow, the act of apologizing will totally undermine your credibility and authority - then guess what? You never had any credibility and authority in the first place - the apology is a moot point. By refusing to apologize when the parent is clearly in the wrong, the parent is not only exposing his/her insecurity to the child, but setting a rather bad example indeed. I'm afraid it is very hard for me to talk about this issue without actually taking it very personally as my parents would never ever apologize to me even when they have clearly done something very wrong. Being autistic of course, they lack the ability to figure out how complex social interactions work and give in to their more basic fears and insecurities - it does put quite a heavy strain on any kind of relationship because you're never going to get an apology. In my previous post, I had already talked about how my dad willfully, foolishly destroyed an old friendship of many years because he refused to offer a simple apology over a misunderstanding; if my father can't even bring himself to apologize to a peer, someone his own age, well how do you expect him to apologize to someone younger? I am at a loss with his irrational and stupid behaviour because my family do let him get away with that kind of crap all the time, but clearly the rest of the world isn't that forgiving. I can see that happening of course, but my parents are quite oblivious to it. 

Given the amount of angst I feel about Asian parenting, it is always very tempting to think that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence but of course, after having witnessed that stupid white Australian father at Sydney airport, it does remind me that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Being Asian doesn't necessarily mean that you're going to be a bad parent - I have to remind myself that my parents' appalling bad parenting skills are mostly due to their autism rather than their Chinese culture per se. I have met Chinese parents who are good parents and I've met white parents who are terrible parents - I do wonder if there are any autistic parents who are good parents though? Probably not, but feel free to tell me I am wrong. So that's it from me on this topic. Please let me know what you think, especially about Australian parents and Singaporean parents, kindly leave a comment below. Many thanks for reading.