What if the best case scenario just isn't good enough?

Hello again everyone. Tonight, I met up with an old friend Richard tonight and we talked about a lot of things - we got talking about my parents' recent visit and I ended up telling him about just how obnoxious, difficult and grumpy they were. I told Richard that I've ran through so many theories in my head - from a probable autism diagnosis for both my parents (I swear they must both be severely autistic to behave the way they do), to the integrity versus despair theory which I blogged about in detail to just plain blaming Chinese culture for the way they are. It is much easier to hate Chinese culture than to hate one's parents. In short, I'm trying so very hard to find a scapegoat to blame for the way they behave. Without a convenient scapegoat to blame, well, the only conclusion is that they plain hate me because:

a) They're horrible people.
b) I'm an even more horrible person.
c) Both of the above.

Who do we blame for this situation?

Sometimes I lean towards option c) - you know how I talked about fat parents having fat children? By the same token, that makes option c) totally plausible. I'm just horrible in a different way. Well I told Richard all this and he's English, he's white so I thought I could tell him how much I hated Chinese culture and having Chinese parents without him defending Chinese culture. Instead he said this to me, "what is the point of your anger then Alex? Your parents won't live forever, your father will probably die in a few years' time. You know what they are like, wouldn't you rather try to make peace with them rather than having this anger in your heart? How would you feel if you got a phone call one day from your sister that your father had passed away and you never got the chance to work things out with him? Would you feel some nagging regret if you refused to make peace with him now, whilst he's still alive?"

I dodged the question. I didn't want to answer Richard's question immediately as I needed to think of a good answer. I changed the subject and we ended up talking about something else instead. I think we ended up talking about me losing my hair (Richard knew me when I had a full head of hair). But afterwards, I thought long and hard about what Richard said and I thought, I've hardly spoken to my parents in the last few years. They make zero effort to try to speak to me or find out what I am up to these days and it is only my sister who is holding this family together. And when they come to London, they didn't once ask me simple questions like, "so, how's your new job going? Are you getting along with your new colleagues?" They are incapable of asking simple questions to demonstrate any kind of interest in my life. I went out of my way to be hospitable and kind to them but got so little attention from them in return.

So, how's your new job going Alex?

Don't get me wrong - they brought me foodstuffs from Singapore that I liked, we spent some time doing touristy stuff and I cooked a lot for them. We did spend time together but I didn't get the one thing I wanted: any kind of meaningful conversation. I don't want their money or gifts, I just want them to show some interest in me. I served them fruit one evening and my father started telling me the price of fruits in Singapore, like how much a mango or a melon would cost at the local NTUC supermarket. I sighed and pointed out that this information was totally useless to me as I don't live in Singapore and thus do not buy my groceries at the NTUC supermarket he was talking about - so what was the point of telling me all this information about the prices? How is that relevant to me? He then said that oh my sister was at the table and maybe she wanted to know where to buy fruits cheaper. I then told him that my sister is so highly educated and works hard to command an impressive salary of several thousand dollars a month - her time is precious and she is rich enough not to care whether she saves a few cents per item of fruit when she happens to feel like having a mango or melon - try seeing the issue from my sister's point of view for crying out aloud.

I suppose when you are a retiree in Singapore, without the stress of having to work, you can spend hours going from shop to shop in Ang Mo Kio just to find out where you can buy the cheapest chicken wings, washing detergent or soy milk and as I have understood from my readers, that has become a bit of an obsession for some older folks in Singapore. They would punch the air in triumph if they manage to find a certain brand of toothpaste 20 cents cheaper in Watson's rather than NTUC. Don't get me wrong, I love a bargain and of course I enjoy shopping too - but I also recognize that time is money. All that time going from shop to shop in search of the very lowest prices could be spent doing something else more productive (such as talking to your children, spending quality time with your family). But who's going to tell my father not to go from shop to shop in Ang Mo Kio, just to save a few cents here and there?

My father has an uncanny obsession with the price of groceries.

I'm sorry, but trying to talk to my parents sometimes feels like I am talking to very young children - make that very young children who have yet to develop any semblance of social skills. They have zero conversational skills - their idea of having a conversation means blurting out the first piece of information that comes to mind whilst taking zero interest in the other party. I swear I had far more meaningful conversations with my 13 year old nephew on this trip than I did with my parents - it feels incredibly frustrating because the older they get, the more and more like infants they become. I don't recall their social skills being so bad in the 1990s, but perhaps that was because they were working then and still had to practice speaking to many people on a regular basis at work. Now that they have retired, they no longer need to use their social skills, so they can become as grumpy, obnoxious and unsociable as they like. This degradation of their social skills is pretty shocking because I do not use my paper qualifications to make a living. I'm a people-person: I rely on my wit, charm and personality to make a living and it is shocking to see my parents totally devoid of any of the above as they turn into grumpy old folks. What have my parents become?!

I accept that I'm never going to get that one thing I want from my parents: I want them to take interest in my life. It's not rocket science really. It's just the way I sat down with my old friend Richard today and he told me what he had been busy with this year, then I did the same. He expressed great interest in what I did for my current job not so much because he is that fascinated by the world of corporate finance, but he simply wanted to know what I was good at (and if I am using my many talents, like my languages). Likewise, I found out that he visited Syria when it was a peaceful country, years before this awful war broke out and he told me about his experiences in Syria then with his ex-wife. We're just two friends expressing interest in each other's lives and well-being - that's all there is to it and I would like that to be the basis for any kind of relationship with my parents. I have stopped trying to get that kind of attention from my parents so many years ago because I knew they were never ever going to give a shit about me and what I did with my life. Instead, I focused my energy on building great friendships with people like Richard who will care about me and I'm indeed very lucky to have quite a lot of good friends who do take an interest in me the way my parents never will.

I have a lot of friends who take interest in my life.

But I can see Richard's point of view, of course I can. Richard is older than me and has lost his father many years ago - there were unresolved issues between Richard and his late father and of course, Richard would very much have liked to had the opportunity to have press the reset button and try to resolve those issues before the day he lost his father. I can see why he told me to swallow my pride and try to patch things up with my parents. But then again, it takes two hands to clap - they came to London, I tried my best to be as hospitable as possible yet somehow, they refused to show any interest in me. Did this surprise me? No it didn't of course, I would have expected nothing less - this was pretty much how things were back when I was a teenager and nothing has changed at all. Except back then, it really didn't bother me and I was quite happy to be left on my own and now, as Richard point out, my parents are running out of time and it doesn't seem to bother them that they have totally lost interest in their only son. I suppose, for me, it's a slap in the face that my father's more interested in comparing the price of groceries in Ang Mo Kio than finding out what I'm doing with my life - for the record, I've done some pretty awesome things in the last ten years.

But please, let me tell you a story from my university days. There was a very beautiful girl called Vicky and there was this guy called Thomas who was interested in her - she clearly liked the attention from Thomas but she really wasn't all that interested in him - yet at the same time, she gave him just enough attention to keep him hanging on. Now a bunch of us actually encouraged Thomas to be romantic and win Vicky over, to try to impress her, get her attention and get her to see his qualities, so he tried really hard but to no avail. Thomas eventually then came to the conclusion that this was a waste of time, energy and effort to try to get Vicky to take interest in him, so instead he started talking to this other girl called Rebecca and soon they hit it off and they started dating. To my shock, Vicky took this rather badly - in her opinion, she was a lot more beautiful than Rebecca and Thomas should have spent the rest of his days hopelessly in love with her and trying to woo her, rather than settle for less with someone as plain as Rebecca. Oh she said a lot of unkind things about both Thomas and Rebecca. Vicky's attitude was a very selfish one - she really didn't care if Thomas was happy, she just liked the way he milked her ego with his adoration and wanted him to continue doing so.

Vicky wanted to be wooed by Thomas even if she didn't like him.

I do see my parents' attitude to be quite similar to Vicky's - they couldn't be asked to show any interest in me, yet they expect their children to show them love and respect in the name of filial piety. That's what my two older sisters do and they don't really get anything in return. I remember once feeling really upset that my mother had absolutely no idea what I did for a living, my sister just sighed and said, "you know what? She has no freaking clue what I do for a living either. It's not just you, she is just clueless about most things - don't take it personally." Now I'm doing what Thomas did in the end - I'm turning my attention to the people in my life who are able to reciprocate and offer me the kind of human relationship that goes two ways. If I were to do what Richard suggested and try to "make up" with my parents, it will be tantamount to asking Thomas to go back to wooing Vicky, knowing jolly well that she is going to offer virtually nothing in return. Now why would anyone want to pursue that kind of relationship in one's life, knowing that it would bring you nothing but pain and angst? Why might one want to pursue a relationship like that?

All Thomas could do to spare himself the heartache of being refused by Vicky was simply to move on with his life - by the same token, I've moved on with my life 19 years ago when I left Singapore for good. In the 19 years, I grew further and further apart from my parents to the point where we barely talk anymore. I still keep in touch with my two sisters through social media but any kind of contact with my parents is minimal. Look, I'm a pragmatic person who works in finance, right now I have a long list of bond funds in front of me and I'm looking at their performances - some funds have done well and others have lost a lot of money. If you are handed the details of a fund that has performed very poorly, like if you invest any money in it, not only are you not going to make any interest on it, you're going to lose most of your original investment. With a fund like that, it'll be like flushing money down the toilet - would you invest your money in a fund like that? Of course not. I'm merely applying the same pragmatic principle when it comes to choosing human relationships which give me a good return on my investment. I'm willing to be a very good friend to the nice people in my life who are in return willing to be good friends to me - what I am saying is really just common sense.

Would you invest in a relationship that gave you little in return?

We don't get to choose our parents and that's why I suppose any kind of rationality goes out of the window when someone like Richard (with all the best intentions, I'm sure) tells me to try to patch things up with my parents. I'm not an unreasonable person - perhaps there can be some kind of compromise whereby I simply accept that they will never take any interest in what I do with my life, but I can still somehow try to spend some quality time with them before they die? It does feel frustrating that any kind of effort or compromise will have to come entirely from my end - indeed, if not for my sister's efforts, I may not have even spoken to my parents at all this year. I get so little out of any kind of interaction with them and I really dread it when it descends into arguments - when they tell me what perfect parents they have been and I'm just standing there, resisting the urge to tell them what bloody awful parents I think they are. Look, I get no joy out of telling my parents what I really think about them and if they want to kid themselves into believing that they are good parents, fine let's just agree to disagree but don't expect me to tell them lies to make them feel good about themselves. That's why we don't talk much, if at all. I'd rather not talk to them than to argue with them.

That's why I think Richard is overly optimistic. Perhaps he's thinking of an ideal scenario whereby I become good friends with my parents - I'm sorry but that option is simply not realistic. It's not gonna happen because I already know what is the best case scenario: I have two sisters who never ever question my parents' behaviour and demands, they do anything and everything my parents ask them to do and expect nothing in return - they get nothing in return as well. It's not like my parents are any closer to them just because they bend over backwards to please my parents - my parents, for whatever reason, choose not to take an interest in my sisters' lives as well. The worst part of it all is not that my parents are so busy running a charity to help Syrian refugees nor are they are scientists developing a cure of Alzheimer's. They're retired. They don't do much - so it's not like they're too busy to take an interest in our lives, we almost feel snubbed by our own parents. My two sisters have such busy lives yet they always make time to do very nice things for our parents all the time yet our parents cannot be asked to even find out what exactly we do for a living.

How did we end up being snubbed by my own parents?

So I explained to Richard, if I made a real effort to engage my parents - well, the best case scenario is that which my two sisters have so far. What do they get out of it? I don't know - I don't actually think they get anything out of it per se, but you see, culturally, my two sisters are a lot more Chinese than I am (whereas I have gone out of my way to reject Chinese culture in every way possible). So for them, they do not question this issue of filial piety and their duty to do nice things for our parents - even if they are disappointed by the way my parents react, they do not express it openly. Maybe they have some sense of satisfaction, knowing they have tried their very best to fulfill this duty so even if they get little in return, at least their conscience is clear. I'm terribly sorry but if that's a best case scenario, that's a pretty lousy deal. For my sisters, I suppose it is more important for them to know that they've done their part in the name of filial piety but do I need to do what that to feel like I have a clear conscience? Do I need to be like my sisters?

So there you go, perhaps you think that makes me a horrible person to have come to that conclusion and perhaps you are right - I am indeed a horrible person. But I didn't arrive at this conclusion out of sheer spite, I explored the options and came to what I thought was a pragmatic and reasonable conclusion. What would you do in my shoes, knowing what the best case scenario is? Let me know what you think, leave me a comment below. Many thanks for reading.