Shades of grey: my family are visiting in late November

Sometimes the comments on my blog take on a life of their own and I just have to follow through by doing a proper blog post, addressing the issues raised in the comments section of my blog. Now I recently commented that I was apprehensive about the forthcoming visit of my parents - it's a strange one, the moment I moved into a much bigger house earlier this year, I had invited my parents to visit but they kept giving me all kinds of excuse why they don't want to come. I thought, fine, given how much my mother is totally paranoid about cold weather, I thought she may have wanted to visit in the summer when the weather was hot (it reached 34.4 degrees in London this summer) so I invited my sister's family instead. The moment my nephew wanted to go to London, well, my parents decided to tag along.

Snow is highly unlikely in November but you never know...

Let me explain - there is something quite utterly ridiculous and stupid going on. My nephew has two set of grandparents and they fight over him. The sensible way is to have a schedule for the boy to spend some time with each set of grandparents but they seem to split hairs over how many days, even how many hours he gets to spend with each set of grandparents. I'm like, good grief, let the boy decide what he wants to do and which set of grandparents he wishes to see - he's a teenager for crying out aloud. Maybe he would rather do what teenagers do and spend more time with his peers than with his grandparents - it is getting that way, so tagging along to London in late November is probably a way for my parents to spend a lot of time with my nephew because the in-laws joined my sister's family on holiday earlier this year. I don't doubt that my parents love their only grandson but it is this 'competition' with the in-laws which I think both set of grandparents are behaving like really dumb kids.

This trip has already started on a very our note: now my mother was under the wrong impression that winter gets considerably colder, week by week as we approach the end of the year then it starts getting warmer after New Year's day. It doesn't work like that - winter season lasts from late November to late February and weather varies from day to day depending on the wind direction. It can be 20 degrees one day and drop to -8 a few days later. But no, my mother has no concept of weather or geography - so she wanted to rush my nephew over the London the moment his school term finishes for the end of the year. However, he has some activities in his school which he is committed to, so she worked out from his schedule the earliest departure date they can get away to go to London. I did warn them that I had to work in Germany in the last week of November and to avoid that week. However, my mother chose to ignore that warning and based on her mistaken belief that it will get much colder in December (I repeat: weather can be extremely unpredictable, she is WRONG), she chose to visit London when I was suppose to be working in Germany.

She then bullied my sister into booking my parents flight on Singapore Airlines to London - my sister had offered my mother an upgrade to business class on other good airlines but my mother put her foot down. She will only fly Singapore Airlines despite the fact that there was very limited availability in that school holidays period and the prices were so much higher than other airlines. So originally, I wasn't going to see my family at all in London as I would be working away in Germany. How do you like that? My mother would rather ignore good advice she has received on winter weather and bully my sister into booking flights to London on the week I was supposed to be away working in Germany despite the fact that my sister and my nephew really want to see me. You see, my mother has done a lot for my sister in terms of taking care of my nephew when he was a lot younger, so she can manipulate and bully my sister into doing all kinds of things by giving her the guilt trip and alas, my sister usually gives in to my mother's bullying. Either my mother hates me so much she doesn't want to see me in London or she is so stupid that she believes that the temperature would suddenly drop on the 1st December (duh) it would suddenly be unbearable overnight. Either way, my mother went out of her way to make sure I wasn't going to see my beloved sister in London.

That hurts. A lot. Because I really, really want to see my sister and my nephew.

Now quite frankly, whilst I am not close to my parents at all, I am extremely close to my sister. If I don't see my parents, I really don't mind or care either way but for my mother to go out of her way to stop me from seeing my sister like that, I was so furious with my mother. I would have rather she stayed the hell away from London and just let me sister and her family come on their own. But my mother is seriously autistic, she doesn't know how to tell her family members that she loves them. Even simple conversations are challenging at the best of times for her and yet, she still needs to know that she has control over her children - so it's not like my sister isn't doing nice things for my mother to show my mother how much she cares, but my mother uses these 'tests' like a teacher controlling a class to test my sister's love for my mother. "If I can bully my daughter into doing this for me, even though it would upset her a lot, then it proves that I still have control over my daughter and that my daughter still loves me. Never mind that I will really upset my daughter in the process, I need to know I still have control over her." If this makes my mother sounds quite evil, yeah, she can be at times. We let her get away with it because she's autistic - there's really no point in arguing with her, no.

Is my sister wrong to give in to my mother's demands?

But as fate wold have it, my schedule work in Germany changed - so it turns out that I will be working there in mid-November instead and I will be in London for the full duration of their visit. On one hand, I am glad that I will get to see my sister and nephew. On the other hand, I worry what my mother would think - she scored some kind of victory in her head by bullying my sister into visiting London at a time when I was supposed to have been away. My sister had passed the 'test' of filial piety in her head, now excuse me if I shit on the concept of filial piety because this test was utter bullshit and it involved my mother bullying my sister into doing something that would really upset her no reason other than 'proving' to my mother that she can 'control' my sister. Would my mother set up another impossible test for my sister to do to prove her filial piety whilst in London? My sister has planned some nice activities for my parents and her family whilst in London - I have a feeling my mother may just pull something like, "no I don't feel like going to this nice place today even though you've paid for everything, I want to stay at home and I want you to spend the day at home with me so I won't feel bored." Oh something like that would ruin the holiday for everyone else (and my mother included - for she would deprive herself of a fun day out), but she needs to 'test' my poor sister's filial piety from time to time despite the fact that neither of my sisters would ever do anything to upset my mother.

You see, my sisters are a lot more Chinese and traditional than me. They never question my mother's unreasonable behaviour and whenever my mother chooses to "test" them like that, they would just give in to whatever my mother asks for just to appease her in the name of Chinese tradition. My mother doesn't try to pull that shit with me because I would stand up to her and say, "fuck off, stop being unreasonable, you know you're being stupid." I don't put up with that kinda shit, so she doesn't try. It's like with children you know, they test your limits and if you put your foot down, they won't try. It's not that I don't care for my mother, it's just that I refuse to let her test my 'filial piety' like that - it's dumb, it's fucking stupid. You wanna cultivate a relationship with me? Fine, let's sit down and talk like two mature, intelligent adults - that's what adults do. But no, she is autistic and doesn't know how to talk to people - so she resorts to these 'tests' to reassure herself that her children still love her. Well, she has two daughters who give her anything she wants and one bastard son (ie. me) who refuses to participate in these tests because these tests are not not at all what normal, decent people do - I flatly refuse to be a part of that nasty cycle of bullying. Unless you're willing to behave like a mature, reasonable adult, please leave me out of it. I don't care for such toxic relationships in my life.

Can being Chinese justify bullying your children?

Some of you may be wondering, surely your mother knows where she stands with her children? It is pretty clear that she has two wonderful daughters and a terrible son, right? So why does she need to keep bullying her two great daughters by subjecting them to these 'tests' all the time? I don't even have a good answer to that question. My mother is autistic and has very low self-esteem, so maybe she is oblivious to the fact that her two daughters are wonderful and will do anything for her. People with Asperger's syndrome can't figure out human emotions and relations. She feels she needs to 'test' them all the time to reassure herself that they still love her because she doesn't know how to have enough confidence in herself to trust in that mother-daughter relationship. Believe you me, I've dealt with her crazy behaviour all my life - I remember once my neighbour gave me a T-shirt and I wanted to wear it to go out with my family. For no reason my mother told me I couldn't wear that new T-shirt and up till today, I still can't figure out what was wrong with that T-shirt or if there was any plausible reason why I couldn't wear it. It was just one of those 'do as you're told or else you're a bad boy who doesn't listen to your mother' moments - nothing seemed to make sense at all. I knew if I didn't change the T-shirt she would beat me and she would then have her way in the end. So I changed my T-shirt and that made her happy because I 'passed the 'test' - now this says a lot about how awful her parenting skills were. Her 'tests' were meaningless, random and served no other purpose than to reassure herself that her children obey her, no matter how unreasonable or unusual her commands were.

So they're going to come to London in late November with my sister's family and I've given my sister a list of interesting things to do in London then, ooh such as the Christmas fair on the South Bank and the Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park. But my mother is going to cringe at the idea of going out at night in winter in London because it is going to be cold - and I am just dreading the arguments already. I'm just worried that my parents are going to complain non-stop about the weather and the food because a) it's winter and b) it's not Singapore. I am playing the "I've got to work" card - I've just started a new job, it is going quite well and am genuinely very busy. But the fact is, I have never been close to my parents and it is a bit bizarre for me to see my parents so keen to spend every hour they can with their grandson (that's like the polar opposite of what happened with me when I was a child) - like we are so distant that they don't even know what I do for a living. I don't pretend for a moment they're coming to see me in London - they're coming only because my nephew is coming. But you know, that's perfectly fine by me, this is nothing new for me really.

I doubt my parents are even interested in sightseeing.

I have two sisters whom I am very close to - I regularly speak to my eldest sister via Skype and that's how I end up speaking to my parents because they live in the same house. My parents may drift in and out of the Skype conversation once in a while. Recently, she took a long trip to South Korea and then we kept missing each other after she came back - so I realized that if not for my sister's efforts, I probably wouldn't even talk to my parents at all. I've not spoken to my parents for about a month now even though I speak regularly to my sisters. The fact is my eldest sister has done an incredibly good job to try to keep me a part of the family, to make sure my parents and I still talk to each other once in a while. On one hand, of course I am delighted that my sister is coming to see me in London (she's not visited since the late 1990s) and that my nephew finally can have a chance to see me in London. On the other hand, I'm just nervous - the last thing I want is an antagonistic time with my parents. Of course, I will welcome them and make them feel at home, but I have no idea whether they will behave in a reasonable way or try to pick fights with me all the way. Or who knows, they may be on their best behaviour to impress my nephew.

I have expressed this sentiment in the comments section of a previous post and I was told off my a reader who accused me of being a terrible person - my parents had brought me up, how dare I express such apprehension at their forthcoming visit? He went on to say that even if I had arguments with my parents (like I'm hardly the only person who has had argument with his parents), I should not be washing dirty linen in public because it may embarrass my parents. But let me explain why I am dreading this visit: now firstly, my mother is totally paranoid about the cold and everyone in my family is somewhat shocked that she is willing to come to Europe in winter just to spend more time with her beloved grandson. Like, she hates cold weather so much I am just worried that she is going to be miserable the same way hot weather makes me miserable. I am the polar opposite of my mother. Furthermore, neither of my parents are particularly mobile these days and sightseeing usually involves walking long distances. You can't exactly see Buckingham Palace or the Houses of Parliament from a bus - you have to walk around on foot. And in winter, most tourists like to go to the art galleries, museums and big shopping centers - all of these involve even more walking.

How are my parents going to do any sightseeing if they can't walk much?

My sister warned me, if my parents get too tired, then they may just stay at your house and not do as much sightseeing. And I'm like, well I don't have two things that they like: I don't have a TV. It's a matter of lifestyle choice - I reject the concept of owning a TV, we're the internet generation. I don't want a TV in my house, if I really wanna see something, then I can watch it on the internet on my laptop. I don't have access to Chinese newspapers in my neighbourhood as there are hardly any Chinese people on my street - what is my dad going to do without TV or newspapers? Isn't he going to get bored? What is he going to do in the house whilst I'm busy at work? I had been thinking about fun things for my nephew to do - now I am wondering what the hell my parents are going to do to amuse themselves if they decide not to go out. Would they be grumpy and miserable and then throw a tantrum? Remember, my parents really don't have any social skills to speak of, thus they don't handle such situations well at all.

And I know there are some of you who will say that I should buy a TV just for my father's visit. My stance on this is clear: if all he wants to do is come to London so he can watch TV, then he should not have bothered coming all the way to London when he has a perfectly good TV at home in Singapore. He should only come to London if he wanted to see me and spend some time with me or go do something with my sister's family - a holiday should be about spending time with your family, not watching TV. That's why I am adamantly refuse to budge on the issue of the TV. I have my principles and will not compromise. Watching TV is such an anti-social experience, you ignore the others in the room as you stare at the TV - well that's not happening in my house. There's a part of me that wants to remind my father that his son has got so little in common with him - he seems pretty oblivious to that and I want to remind him. 

Why travel halfway around the world just to watch TV?

Here's the thing, I know what you're going to say, take some time off work - cook for your parents, just spend time talking to them. I could do the former, I'll gladly cook for them: but do you know how awful conversations have been with them the last time I was in Singapore? My parents don't understand how conversations work - they don't know how to talk. I believe that both my parents are autistic, my mother definitely has Asperger's syndrome. Let me give you a simple example: if I say something like, "it is such a beautiful day today, 18 degrees and bright sunshine." My sister (who is normal and doesn't have Asperger's syndrome) would respond with, "is that normal for this time of the year?" or "so what are you going to do on such a nice day, have lunch outdoors perhaps or go for a walk?" My mother will say that 18 degrees is very cold for her and how she hates the cold weather - she will then quickly change the topic to talk about herself and make no attempt to engage me in the conversation. My sister is a pleasure to talk to because she shows interest in both me and the topics I raise, my mother is the opposite as she is incapable of showing interest in me or making any kind of intelligent response to the topics I talk about.

So many previous attempts at any kind of conversation with my mother in the past have ended up in dismal failure - she doesn't want to talk and when I finally get her talking, she complains about everything to me and starts making accusations at people trying to be horrible to her: everyone from my nephew to my sister to the in-laws are accused of doing awful things to her and she makes it sound as if everyone hates her. At which point I just think, this is not the right time for me to tell you that because of your Asperger's syndrome, you simply don't have any social skills to even engage your own family members in basic, simple, normal conversation, and that's why people choose not to talk to you? She has convinced herself that my nephew loves her so much and if my nephew doesn't quite show her the kind of affection and attention she craves, then she will accuse the rest of us of driving a wedge between her and her grandson. She's totally oblivious to the fact that her complete lack of social skills can alienate her from her own grandson at times - in her mind, she's always perfect and if things go wrong, she blames others and never herself. She's blind to her faults. In short, my mother can be totally crazy. Calling her unreasonable doesn't even touch the tip of the iceberg. I'm afraid if I take my nephew to go do something fun in London (that's the least an uncle can do - I want my nephew to have a great time in London), my mother will accuse me of driving a wedge between her and her grandson if it is an activity (like ice-skating or some other outdoor activity/sports) that my mother cannot partake in.

I intend to take my sister and nephew sightseeing regardless of the weather.

Can you begin to see why I am dreading this visit? Am I such a terrible person to be worried that my father will be totally bored in London given the language barrier? Am I such an awful person to worry that my mother will behave like a psycho and pick fights with anyone and everyone (which she has done before). And what about my brother-in-law - he's gonna have loads of things he'll wanna see and do in London with his son, what if he can't do all those things because my parents start getting difficult, then what? I want everyone who comes to visit me to have a good time and I want to be a good host - but even if I do everything right, if I am on my best behaviour, super polite to my parents, give them everything they want, buy everyone the nicest food at the nicest restaurants, be the best darn host in the world, I just know that they would start arguing amongst themselves even without any involvement on my part because - well, that's just my family for you. They argue and fight all the bloody time with or without me and even just to have to witness it is stressful and unpleasant to say the least. What am I to do - maintain the facade and lie to my readers that I'm looking forward to my family visiting? Why lie? I don't lie to my readers - whatever for? I'd rather be honest about the reasons why I am nervous and apprehensive about their visit.

At least when I visit my family in Singapore, I do manage my visit on my terms. I decide when I want to spend time with my family and when I want to go out and see my old friends or just rediscover Singapore on my own (or with my partner) - obviously I know Singapore well enough not to need 'looking after' when I am there. I don't need anyone to cook for me or take me sightseeing or anything at all, really. My sister and my brother-in-law are going to be absolutely fine in London - I'm not even worried about my nephew who is good with technology and is old enough to take care of himself. My parents however, certainly need 'looking after' - especially my dad since he can't/won't speak English. Now that's going to be a problem with London, obviously. You can see why my visits to Singapore do not cause my family any stress since they don't need to take care of me in Singapore the way we're all figuring out how best to take care of my parents when they are in London. If I didn't care that my parents have a miserable time in London, then I wouldn't be worried at all - but I even if I don't have a good relationship with my parents, at the end of the day I am a decent human being and I am putting everything aside to try my best to try to make sure they have a good holiday in London.

I am torn about my parents' visit.

Furthermore, there's a part of me that wants my parents to see me in my element - they don't know what I do for a living, they know so little about my life here. Don't get me wrong, they have met my partner many times and they don't seem to mind/care about the whole gay thing at all. What I want them to do whilst they are here, is to see a bit about the kind of work I do, so they can finally understand, oh so that's what Alex does for a living (and damn what he does is so difficult and requires a lot of brains etc). But there's also a part of me that is cynical and thinks, yeah right, as if they're going to be interested. They're just going to bitch and moan about the weather and the food whilst paying no attention to you at all. I just get the feeling I'm going to try to tell them about my work and they're going to show zero interest in what I do. I'm conflicted - there's a part of me that thinks I shouldn't even try, lest I get disappointed if I fail to engage them. There's another part of me that does want to try to engage them for I may never get a chance like this again given how old my dad is. Can you see why I would be nervous and apprehensive about this?

And finally, here's why I think my readers sometime rush to judgement - they ignore the shades of grey in life when really, life isn't that simple. Some readers will say, "Alex is dreading the visit of his parents when he should be happy and honoured they are making the long trip to London to see him - what a dreadful, awful bastard he is. How dare he react like that - these are his parents, they brought him up." Others might say, "Alex is only stressed out because he cares about his parents and wants to make sure that they have a good time in London - if he didn't care about his parents, then he wouldn't be stressed about this and this reflects the fact that he is a good person. Good students get stressed out about important exams because they want to do well in them, they may even dread the exams - is there anything wrong with getting a bit stressed out ahead of something that means a lot to you?" The truth is somewhere in between the two extremes. I'm not a complete bastard, nor am I a good son. I'm someone who has a bad relationship with my parents but I care enough about them to want to make sure that they are at least well taken care off whilst I'm in London. So can you guys accept that, please? Any advice on what I should do please? Many thanks for reading.