Cyber bullying: how should parents respond?

Hi guys, I'm going to do a series on cyber bullying - I have just had a long conversation with one of my Singaporean readers whose teenage son is a victim of quite severe cyber bullying and she doesn't quite know how to react. Her husband expects the teenage boy to just 'man up and learn to deal with it, treat it like a learning experience' but it seems the boy simply doesn't have the kind of quite advanced social skills to cope with such a difficult, awful situation. This mother has been in touch with the school and they are quite useless. "oh it's online bullying, it's not like it is happening on school premises, we can't do anything about it if it is online even if some of our students may be involved." In today's post, I am going to address the issue of steps parents must take when they realize that their children are being cyber bullied. Based on what your responses will be, I will do a follow up to this.

What if your child has to taken on a cyber troll?

1. Reassure the child that this is not his fault. 

Bullying will often lead to the victim having very low self-esteem and the victims often blame themselves for the situation they find themselves in - this is often makes the victim keep quiet about the situation and suffer in silence. Perhaps this sounds extremely obvious, but you clearly need to explain to the child that this is not his fault and that he is a victim of some very evil behaviour. You'll be amazed how many parents find it hard to take this step because they want to maintain the illusion that everyone is essentially nice and that any kind of bullying is merely a result of a misunderstanding that could be resolved. They don't want to tell the child, "yeah some of the people in your school are real shits and you'll have to get used to the fact that there are plenty of shitty people like that in society. Life sucks, get used to it kiddo." Whilst we all know that's 100% true, it's not the kind of message many parents find easy to convey to their children. So out of this kind but awfully misguided desire to offer their child an optimistic message about life in general, they downplay the whole situation. So compare these two messages:

1. "I know Johnny said those awful things about you on Instagram but I've spoken to his parents and they seem like a really nice family. I'm sure they would have explained to Johnny why what he did was inappropriate and it seems like you two have simply gotten off on the wrong foot this year. I'm sure if you gave Johnny a chance, the two of you could become very good friends - why don't you make an effort to get to know him better? Let's try to see what lessons we can learn from this about getting along with people and making friends, okay?"

What is the right way and wrong way to respond?

2. "That Johnny is a real piece of shit and his stupid parents are completely incapable of controlling their little brat. I told his parents that if Johnny dares to even mention you again on social media, I'm taking them to court and suing them for every penny they have and I have told them I'm so bloody furious at them - I hold them responsible for bringing up such a terrible little shit of a son. I've warned Johnny to stay the hell away from you and I told the teachers in school that if Johnny ever dares to bother you again, I'm giving everyone from his parents to all the teachers such hell that Johnny will be shitting himself day and night."

So yes, the parents will have to condemn the bullies, the parents of the bullies and indeed the school (including the teachers) all of which has resulted in this situation in the first place. I know many Singaporean parents would hesitate to condemn anyone involved (no matter how awful) because firstly, they are afraid that the child would lose any respect for the authorities - so if you condemn a teacher for standing by and ignoring the bullying, the parents would worry that the child may stop respecting the authority of the teachers in the school and lose interest in his studies. And secondly, of course, it is this desire to present an overly optimistic view of the world to the child in the misguided desire to preserve his innocence. However, refusing to blame the right people will often lead to the victim blaming himself for what has happened and that is a far worse outcome.

2. Seek legal advice

Often, the school will react by claiming things like it is not their responsibility if it happens online (as opposed to say the child being beaten up on school premises) - this is mostly because cyber bullying is such a tricky issue and many of the teachers involved are not IT-experts. It is possible to track down these online bullies who may try to conceal their identities, but let's face it: teenagers often use methods no more sophisticated than creating a new free email address to mask their identities on something like Instagram or Twitter. Now just because the teacher at the school doesn't know how to trace and anonymous email doesn't mean it can't be traced: it most certainly can by the right experts and it would mean time, expense and a lot of hassle for the school to rope in external experts to help catch the bullies - that is why their first reflex reaction is to claim that it is not their responsibility if it happens online. However, if it is obvious that the bullies are indeed students from that school, then the school simply cannot shirk their responsibility and that is when threatening legal action (seek legal help!) is vital to get the school to react.

3. Get third party help, now.

Children may not always open up to their parents, particularly when it comes to an issue like being bullied at school. The reasons may vary from fearing their parents simply would not understand the situation because of the generation gap or that the child is blaming himself for being bullied and feels a deep sense of shame about the situation. This is hardly the time to try to repair your parent-child relationship, instead try to identify a third party adult who may be able to help intervene to get the child to open up about the situation. This could be a relative or a family friend, someone whom the child has had a good relationship with and can trust - that would take the stress away from the parent as well, in allowing an understanding third party to deal with the raw emotions of the child whilst getting some vital information about whom the bullies are. After all, the child may well know whom the bullies are but has been so intimidated he may not dare to even identify them for fear of further reprisals. 

Your child needs help but you may need help to.

4. Speak to other adults who have dealt with this situation before

Realizing that your child is being bullied online can send most parents into a panic - after all, cyber bullying didn't exist when we were students and at least as adults, we have the resources to deal with such a difficult situation and we know how to ask for help. It would be natural for parents to worry about just how badly this is affecting the poor child and end up feeling depressed and helpless. You are not going to be in a position to help your child if you are already feeling like this - you need to speak to other parents who have dealt with this situation before and they will be able to offer you two vital things. Firstly, they will be able to give you techniques to help cope with such a tricky situation and secondly, they will offer you empathy and support - the latter is so vital. You are certainly not alone, don't be afraid to ask for help. 

5. Long term solutions, not quick fixes

Many parents in this situation would be tempted to go for a quick fix, for example book a fancy holiday for the child so he has something to look forward to at the end of the term or even just taking him to a fancy restaurant to cheer him up. However, a complex problem requires a complex solution. In this case, a child who is quiet and isolated in school usually fall preys to the bullies - the solution would be to try to get the child into a community of peers where he can feel a sense of belonging, where he would be surrounded by friends who share the same interests. When the bullies can see that the child is actually surrounded by friends, they will tend to move on and pick a softer target - someone who is more isolated. In Singapore, the problem tends to be that parents often see any kind of extracurricular activity as a distraction from the child's studies and some Asian parents may actually prefer their children to have less friends, so they will not be distracted from their studies. They may in fact create a situation whereby the child is being far more prone to bullying. Now what is more important to you parents: your child's grades or his well-being?

Shouldn't your child's well-being trump everything, including his grades?

Parents can help in this case by sending their child to an activity outside the school - for example, enrolling the child in a sports class in an external organisation. Select a sport or activity that the child has expressed an interest in. This is so beneficial because it would give the child a 'happy place' to go to. where he can enjoy himself. And as for this thing about making friends, good grief: it is one of the toughest challenges in life yet children are often given so little instructions or help with this issue! You're far more likely to make good friends with people you share a common interest with - I always find it bizarre how we're just expected to get along with classmates or colleagues we may have little in common with. Yeah I'll get along with them and be polite with them, but I'm not going to become their good friend if we basically have very little in common. Placing your child in an environment where he has a shared interest with those around him will go a long way in ensuring that he makes good friends.

6. Helping the child identify positive role models

There's only so much a parent can do in terms of guiding and instructing their child - you cannot realistically expect to have all the answers to the complex issues your child will face on a daily basis. Besides, you're human and you may make mistakes in life - you don't want to set yourself up as the perfect role model only to fail by not being 100% perfect. What you need to do is to help introduce your child to extremely good role models - now these people may not be the most obvious choices (such as famous actors, singers, successful athletes, football stars etc) but those who would convey a very positive message about the challenges your child faces. I am a very big fan of the Youtube channel Eatyourkimchi and Martina Stawski of Eatyourkimchi recently talked about her experiences of having been bullied when she was younger on one of her videos (she has talked about bullying on her Youtube channel before as well). It seems unbelievable that this extremely popular Youtube star who is so funny, articulate and beautiful had been a bullying victim when she was younger. She then went on to talk about finding a community of friends with whom she identified with and found a sense of belonging with. People like Martina Stawski have the gift of explaining a tricky issue like that so well - why not use people like her to channel this positive message to your child?

7. Monitor your child's internet activities

Now this may seem like a huge invasion of privacy but allow me to explain this: it is very hard to deal with internet trolls who are determined to attack you and sometimes, a teenager may not have the knowledge or skills to deal with such a sustained attack. He may be accidentally doing something counter-productive, such as feeding the trolls or posting inappropriate/inflammatory material online, thus giving them exactly what they want and encouraging them to persist. Maybe you will find that your child is doing absolutely nothing to encourage these internet trolls but it is certainly worth checking just in case. If you feel that this may put an additional strain on your relationship with your child, it is possible to get a trusted third party (family friend, an aunt/uncle, older cousin etc) to help do this step.

8. Helping your child understand the complex issues involved 

Some parents can be quite condescending in assuming that children will not understand what is going on despite the issue directly affecting the children. In the case of bullying, there are often many complex reasons why a child is singled out and picked on in school. Perhaps the child stands out and is different for a variety of reasons such his skin colour, body type, religion, family background, accent, social class or mannerisms. Children may not always figure out what the hell is going on when they are in the victim of a sustained cyber bullying attack - as the Chinese saying goes: 当局者迷,旁观者清 (those closely involved cannot see as clearly as those outside). Parents often feel that they are protecting their own children from the ugly truth, so they either sugar coat the situation or play it down. "Oh Johnny's just strange like that, ignore him, some people are just weird." Rather than tell the truth, "Johnny's family is quite Islamophobic and he hates you because you're a Muslim." Now the latter may sound awful to a teenager, but you would rather give your child the truth and be in a position to help deal with the issue rather than let them figure out these complex issues for themselves with no help at all.

Don't force your child to search for answers online.

9. Find out what is going on in the school environment. 

Now there is a possibility that the school environment is really toxic and has a well-established culture of bullying. Parents usually don't want to face that possibility because they want to believe that they can trust the school and the ministry of education to do their job properly, so the students can feel safe in the school environment. What if this is not an isolated case? What if many other students are caught up in this vicious cycle of cyber bullying whilst the teachers turn a blind eye to what is happening? Many bullies were once bullied themselves and the only way to put off the bullies is to demonstrate that you are a predator, not a prey in the bullying cycle. It would be a good idea to speak to some of the other parents and find out what their experiences are, if their children have been targeted as well and if you find out that there is a culture of cyber bullying at the school affecting many students, then the teachers are clearly failing their students. You need to raise hell with the ministry of education and if things do not improve, if appropriate action is not taken quickly, then the easiest solution would be to transfer your child to another school, away from that awful, toxic environment.

10. Lastly, don't forget: you're dealing with a child, not an adult.

Oh yes, perhaps I am stating the obvious but it is certainly worth mentioning that children do not have the same abilities as us adults to deal with stressful, difficult situations like that. Heck, it is even tough on adults when they get bullied in the workplace, As an adult, we're usually able to stay calm, evaluate the situation, analyze what our options are and then ask for all the help we can get. With children, they're unlikely to be mature enough to stay calm in a crisis and their emotions will overwhelm them. And oh dear, it all goes downhill from there, they will not be able to understand why this is happening and certainly, you cannot expect a child to respond like an adult in such a crisis situation. This is the time you need to step in as a parent and take over, deal with this and try to solve in on behalf of your child. You have had years of experience resolving conflicts as an adult but this is all new to your child. This is by no means a 'learning experience' for your child but a crisis you need to step in and resolve quickly.

So that's it from me on this issue for now, my ten points in this article is merely here to kick start a meaningful discussion with my readers about the issue. Are you a young person who has experienced cyber bullying or are you a parent who is concerned about your child being cyber bulled at school? What have your experiences been like and what have you done to deal with the situation? What worked and what didn't work? What lessons have you learnt and could you share them here please? Let's talk about it, leave a comment below please. Many thanks for reading.