What makes you an adult and no longer a child?

Hi everyone. In a recent blog post, I was discussing the challenges faced by one of my readers who is 19 or 20 and whilst he has a clear idea about what he would like to do with his adult life, he is very worried about getting his parents' consent and permission to follow his chosen path. In today's post, I am going to talk about this process where the parent-child relationship evolves from that of being an adult-child relationship to an adult-adult relationship. In fact, I'm turning 40 this week (yes, forty!), so I have gone through this full life cycle within my own relationship with my parents.

What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?

Firstly, the problem arises when children approach their late teens - this is when they start feeling like adults, yet the fact that they are still in full time education means that, by default, they are financially dependent on their parents. Consider this: biologically, once we hit puberty (which can happen any time from around 10 to our mid-teens), we physically transition from children to adults and this process is more or less complete by the time we are about 16 to 18. Yet in terms of our lifestyles, at that age, we're still in full time education and most of us can expect to remain in full time education for quite a few years yet if we were to get a degree and other useful training to obtain the necessary skills for employment. As a result, you have these young adults in their late teens and early twenties still effectively functioning like children despite their age and they wonder why their parents still treat them like children?

The key difference between being treated like a child and being treated like an adult is that of trust: your parents will trust you to make your own decisions if you are an adult. But if they think that you are effectively a child and cannot be trusted to make the best or right decisions, then they will withdraw those decision making powers from you and overrule your decisions, making those decisions on your behalf. That can happen when you are 6 or 26. Let me give you an example: when I was 9 years old, my family were going to an event at my sister's school and I wanted to wear my new jeans. My mother vetoed my choice of trousers, "it is going to be very hot, we're going to be walking around the school all afternoon. Do wear a pair of shorts instead." I didn't argue with her and did as I was told as I defaulted to her better judgement. That is a simple example of a parent vetoing a child's decision. Now do you want your parents to veto say your choice of degree, your choice of career or even your choice of girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse? Or would you rather they trust you to make your own decisions on those important issues in your life instead of overruling you?

I bowed to my mother's better judgement.

For my younger readers, there are a few things that you can do to help improve the situation - it doesn't have to be a confrontational, conflict-ridden process to gain one's independence. All you need to do is to convince your parents that you have indeed grown up and are capable of thinking and functioning like an adult, that you are no longer a child in order to gain their trust. Once you exhibit these traits of a fully fledged, mature adult, then in all probability, your parents will realize that you have grown up and stop treating you like a child. If you do the complete opposite, then your parents will continue to treat you like a child no matter how old you become. The key to convincing others that you are truly an adult is to lose some common child-like behaviour traits commonly associated with children.

1. Apologize, take responsibility for your mistakes

Children often run away from taking responsibility when things go wrong - it is a child-like trait that reflects the fact that children are afraid of being punished if they have done something wrong. So for example, I remember back in my primary school, my teacher had sent me to the office to pick up some books and I accidentally knocked over a cup in the office as I was reaching for the books. The cup shattered as it hit the floor. I quickly look around and realized that the office was actually quite quiet at that time as most of the teachers were teaching and the admin lady had stepped away from her desk. What did I do? I went back to my teacher and reported that when I was at her desk, I noticed a broken cup on the floor. When she asked if I saw who broke it, I replied, "I donno teacher, I go there it broken like that already." At that point, the teacher was just more concerned that I didn't cut myself trying to clean up the mess.

So why did I lie? I was afraid that the teacher may blame me and scold me for the accident, even if I didn't do it deliberately. Most of all, I was afraid that she wouldn't believe me if I told her that it was an accident, I was afraid that she may have accused me of either deliberately breaking the cup or "playing around" in the office. This kind of lying to cover one's tracks becomes a habit for children and becomes their standard response whenever anything goes wrong. Now some children are better liars than others - but it still doesn't stop them from trying to lie even if their acting skills are poor. For us older adults, it is not difficult for us to spot a young person trying to lie when desperately trying to cover something up. Why even attempt to lie when it is clear you are not going to convincing?

So let's take the example of an 18 year old who returns home very late and his mother asks him, "why are you so late? Why didn't you call?" Now the truth may be that the teenager had simply lost track of time and forgot how late it had become - but if he chooses to say something like, "oh my friend became sick and I had to take him home. That's why I was delayed." You would have to be pretty good at improvising in order to come up with a convincing story like that if your mother decides to ask you for more details about what happened to your friend. The more mature response would be simply to say, "I'm sorry, I lost track of time - I didn't mean to make you worry. I promise it wouldn't happen again." In taking responsibility for a mistake like that, your honesty will pay off in terms of buying the trust of your parents because they need to be convinced that you have learnt your lesson. If you lie unconvincingly, then you leave doubt in their minds that you may not have learnt your lesson, that leaves open the possibility of it happening again.

2. Be helpful around the house

Helping around the house is a simple way for you to demonstrate to your independence. My parents used to be cynical about me studying abroad because I didn't help out around the house as a child - to be fair, it was not that I didn't want to help out but my parents thought that I should be studying instead of doing housework. We also had domestic help, so there wasn't really a need for me to do any housework. They used to joke that I would run out of clean clothes within a week or two as I had no idea how to do laundry. However, when I realized that I could convince my parents that I was able to live independently without their help, I found ways to prove how good I was at taking care of the house. I volunteered on helping out with various tasks like washing the dishes, I learnt how to use the washing machine and I also made sure I cooked for my parents regularly. When we were about to run out of something like washing detergent, toothpaste or sugar, I would make an effort to be the one to replenish it.

However, this goes a lot further than simply demonstrating that you know how to prepare a meal or do the laundry. In taking on all these household tasks, I was demonstrating to my parents that I could take care of them: what better way to prove your independence by reversing the roles. My parents wanted to know that I could take care of myself when I went to study abroad - so I proved that I could by taking good care of them. Doing something like cooking a meal, tidying your room or mopping the floor may feel a rather small gesture, but it does go a long way to prove that you are indeed capable of functioning as an independent adult, able to run a household - that if you lived away from your parents, you can be trusted to maintain a tidy and happy house. If you build up a pattern of responsible behaviour around the house, then your parents cannot ignore the evidence that you are acting and functioning like an adult.

Can you cook a delicious, nutritious meal for your parents?

3. Care about others around you. 

Those of us who have either had children of our own or have at least worked with children will notice a trend about children: they can be extremely selfish. Up till the age of about 8, they will only talk about themselves and pay no notice to the people around them at all. So for example, in my gymnastics club, a young child could walk up to me and say something like, "it is my sister's birthday tomorrow." And I'm like, so what? Why are you telling me that? Do you think I am interested? Clearly, children at that age don't care if I am interested or not, they just wants to tell me what is important to them. From the age of about 9 to 12, they will talk to you but only about things that are of interest to them. So for example, my nephew will gladly talk to me about the computer games that he likes - but I don't recall him ever asking me any questions about what I do for a living, where I live or whether or not I actually am interested in his computer games. (And for the record, I have absolutely no interest at all in them.)

Then at some stage, as teenagers, we start to care about others around us. We realize that it is pretty boring to speak to people who only care about themselves and that we have been one of those narcissistic, boring, self-indulgent people. We also develop a sense of humility, when we realize that others around us are more interesting than us - so we start to take an interest in them and when we do, we realize how much we pale in comparison to what they have achieved. We then notice certain traits about the people whom we like and we become more and more interested in others rather than ourselves. We want to be liked and loved by others; we find out that the easiest way to get someone's attention is to flatter them with your attention - it begins with a simple, "how are you?" Those three words may seem so simple, but you will be amazed how few people in the world know how to use those words properly.

Do you care about the people around you?

Thus as a young person, showing that you care about your parents is a good start - but why stop there? Demonstrate to your parents that you are willing and able to care about others apart from yourself: perhaps you have a sick relative. Ask you parents if they have any latest news from that relative - or better still, contact that relative directly, maybe visit that relative and then relay the latest news back to your parents. You can also show that you care about others in your community by doing some charity work - you are not just demonstrating that you are a nice or caring person in doing so, but the very act of being able to care about others apart from yourself is a vital trait of a mature adult.

4. Talk about the future, not the immediate.

Children are obsessed with the immediate and near future - if you were to ask a six year old child what he thinks he will be doing 20 years from now, he probably would have no idea as he has never ever bothered contemplating that matter. Ask a 12 year old the same question and you might get some outrageous answer like, "I wanna be a famous pop star/astronaut/the chef who makes the best chocolate in the world!" But they would probably have no idea how they are going to make their dreams come true. Ask an 18 year old the same question and you're far more likely to get a sensible response. Such is the nature of children - they have a tendency to be extremely focused on what is immediately in front of them and it actually takes a certain amount of maturity to be able to see and plan long term.

Have you thought about your future? Where will you be in 20 years?

I despair when I see students being so obsessed with their studies to the point where they treat it as a matter of life and death - there was that infamous case of the student who killed herself because she didn't get the grades she wanted and her guilt-ridden mother then killed herself. I just wanted to scream, "who gives a fuck? Honestly, who gives a flying fuck about your fucking grades? What makes you think that any of the bullshit you do in school is going to matter when you are an adult, holding down a real job, doing real work, making a difference in the world?" But no, immature students actually believe that their silly school projects actually matter and this shows a type of tunnel vision, focusing on the here and now rather than considering long-term issues.

Adults on the other hand, have to take decisions that involve long term planning. When you take on a job, you intend to work at that company at least for a good number of years. When you get a mortgage to buy your first property, it could take you ten, even 20 years to repay it. And when you meet someone you want to marry, well you are hoping that it will last a lifetime until death. Children rarely ever get involved in any major decision - even if it is a family decision like where to go on holiday, ultimately the parents' will make the decision after taking into consideration all the factors involved. Thus in the absence of any decision making power, children tend to then focus on the minute details in their lives, such as a science project for school or their Facebook page which they do have complete control over. This pattern reinforces itself and as a result, children (or childish adults) are often unable to think long term at all.

So to prove that you are indeed a grown up adult, talk to your parents about your long term plans - talk to them about what you would like to do with your career and establish the path you need to take to get you where you want to be. Talk to them about the kind of house you would like to live in and how you are going to find the money to buy your dream home. Talk to them about the kind of love and family life you would like as an adult, paint them a picture of what life would be like for you when you are 40 or 50 years old. Demonstrate to them that you are not a child obsessed with the immediate here and now, but an adult able to think, dream and plan long term.

5.Showing empathy 

Adults are far more capable of showing empathy than children. I suppose children lack the intellectual capacity and some imagination to be able to see the world from another person's point of view. As a student, this concept was really introduced to me in English literature, when we had to think about the motivations of the characters and try to understand why they made certain decisions. I know a lot of Singaporean students totally loathed English literature as a subject at school, but if it taught you the art of empathy, then at least that is one useful thing you have benefited from your education. Children are usually terrible are showing empathy, but this is one important soft skill that we somehow pick up along the way as we slowly grow into adults - well, at least most of us do somehow manage to pick it up.

Do you have empathy for the people in your life?

So when you are talking to your parents, show that you are trying to see things from their point of view. So for example, if you are talking about a topic issue (such as the ongoing haze problem), a child or teenager would probably be keen to show off all that he knows about the haze: rattling off facts, figures, statistics and weather reports that he has read in the news or on the internet. A more mature adult capable of empathy would try see how the haze may affect his parents' daily activities - so for example, my parents like taking walks in the park to exercise. I had a conversation with them about how the haze has affected them being able to enjoy one of their favourite activities: if I wanted to find out more about the haze, there's plenty of useful information on the internet. But I demonstrated that I was able to express empathy and see the issue from their point of view.

Finally, a disclaimer...

Not all adults demonstrate these five traits that I have discussed above. In fact, it is pretty rare to find an adult who can honestly tell me that they do all of the above in that list. Need I state the obvious? There are plenty of adults who are in theirs 40s, 50s, 60s or even their 70s who still are childish in their behaviour: but two wrongs don't make a right. Just because some adults never lose their childish traits doesn't mean that this is in any way acceptable. If you are a young adult still in full time education, then taking these simple steps can help you improve not just your relationship with your parents, but with everyone in your life who will appreciate the more mature, better, grown-up version of you. Given how so many of the negative behaviour traits are associated with the immature behaviour of children, I do wonder why some people choose to accept the challenge of bringing up children rather than contend with the company of nice, mature, grown-up adults (but that's another topic for another day - oh it is a Pandora's box that I shan't open now.)

So that's it from me on this issue. What do you think? What is the best way(s) to prove to your parents that you are a grown-up who can be trusted? What are the traits of a mature adult and what are some of the most irritating traits of immature people that irk you? Let me know what you think, do leave a comment below please. Thanks for reading.