Dealing with the problem of shyness in children

A Singaporean reader of mine (let's call her 'Nina') has spoken to me on Facebook about a couple of recent articles on mine, firstly those talking about the issue of self-esteem and self-confidence, then the two most recent ones about the bully on the MRT. My friend has a child and was concerned that her son was turning out to be rather shy and timid: if it had been her son who was the victim of a similar attack on the MRT, she predicted that her son would probably just bow his head and accepted whatever abuse he got. If the attacker were to beat her son, then he would probably just close his eyes and wait till the beating was over. She was quite concerned and she said that my articles were a wake up call: what should she do? She even asked me if she should send her son to martial arts or self-defence classes.

Here's the thing: I don't think my friend is a bad mother, trust me - I know her well enough. She doesn't neglect her son, she goes out of her way to cultivate a good relationship with her son and she is trying her best to be a good mother. Likewise, her son is a good kid. He studies hard, he never gets into trouble at school, he is polite and obedient. But he simply isn't street wise or tough enough to be able to handle such a situation which, as recent events have proven, can happen to any of us in public. So I delved a little deeper with my friend to try to understand her son a bit better: it seems he is quiet by nature, he isn't particularly outspoken. He would much rather read a book than play sports. He is an introvert by nature hence he tends to shy away from activities like public speaking. There's really very little one can try to find fault with the boy, but allow me to try to make some constructive suggestions for my friend.

Firstly, we need to change our attitude towards the word 'timid' or 'shy' - we need to start seeing it as a negative trait rather than a neutral or even a positive one. Being timid or shy doesn't actually bring any benefits - yet Singaporean/Asian parents often prefer having a timid, shy child to one who is outgoing, outspoken and confident. A timid child is more likely to struggle to make new friends and hence is more likely to stay at home rather than go out to paint the town red with his/her friends. That is a very cliche way to view the issue but it goes a long way to explain why many Singaporean parents simply refuse to see shyness as a problem. However, being shy goes a lot deeper than a personality trait: it's not simply a matter of expressing a preference for dogs over cats, green tea over black tea or American R&B over K-pop. We really need to look at the root causes of shyness to understand the issue better.

Does being shy hold you back in life?

Shyness is not a trait that one is born with - it's not like being born with brown eyes or being left handed. Some people are shy whilst others are not and the key difference is the level of one's self-confidence to deal with the situation before them. The dictionary definition of 'shy' is: "nervous or timid in the company of other people." So being shy does depend on the context: for example, one may feel totally relaxed in the company of family and close friends, but when one has to deliver a speech to a big audience of strangers, then naturally one would feel a lot more nervous. There is a sliding scale between feeling totally comfortable to feeling totally nervous, uneasy and shy with the people around us. With very shy people, the scale goes from comfortable to uncomfortable very quickly once you move away from family members and close friends. Likewise, with very confident people, the scale doesn't move up very quickly and they can remain fairly confident even with a large number of strangers.

Needless to say, it is a great asset to be able to deal with strangers confidently.Nina told me that her son often scored badly for oral exams not because he was inarticulate, but he would get so nervous when faced with a teacher who was not his own teacher that he would be consumed by fear and would mumble, unable to even form complete sentences. In contrast, when at home with his family where he feels totally confident and comfortable, her son is able to chat, have intelligent conversations even crack jokes with his family. So clearly, it is not a problem with his ability to speak the language, but he is being held back by his lack of self-confidence when dealing with strangers (even if it was simply another teacher in the school). Nina is extremely worried that her son would be terrible at job interviews if he is really so shy and may struggle to fit into the working world in the future. Hence Nina has good reasons to be worried.

Job interviews: not a good time to get shy.

So let's be constructive: what can Nina do to help her son then? Here are a few useful suggestions for Nina.

1. Foster an environment where her son is encouraged to speak up at home.

It is far easier for a shy boy to find his voice in an environment where he feels safe and comfortable - you have got to start somewhere, so why not start at home? You would be amazed just how many Asian families are quite content if their children barely utter a word throughout the day - these Asian parents believe that children should be seen and not hear.d We really need to get rid of that mentality and encourage children to speak up at home - by that token, parents have got to be willing to engage their children and listen to them.. So Nina should really spend more quality time with her son where they can have long conversations, where she can encourage him to express his opinions.

2. Limit the use of electronic devices.

Too many young people these days are so addicted to their electronic devices: smart phones, tablet devices, laptops etc. The problem with such devices is that they usually result in a very passive form of social engagement: so many teenagers spend hours watching videos on Youtube, but how many of them have actually uploaded a video onto Youtube? Besides, the emergence of textspeak is destroying the way young people speak these days. I am actually typing in standard English, even if I am adopting a rather casual tone in my writing. I can't even bring myself to go to websites like the infamous HWZ EDMW forum - the English there is barely readable and nobody seems to care how bad the English is there. If your child is spending a lot of time on such websites with other equally inarticulate young people, then good grief - it's time to take the electronic device off your child and turn off the Wifi router. Get them to talk to some real people instead. We have a very bizarre situation in Singapore where people are very vocal online (aka the 'keyboard warriors') but in real life they are actually extremely passive - that's really the wrong way round!

Meet people in real life, not just online!

3. Speak to the boy's teachers

There are several reasons why Nina ought to speak to her son's teachers - firstly, the teacher may have some insight into why her son is so shy based on his/her observation of the boy in the classroom. Secondly, it is often too easy for a teacher to ignore a shy child in the class: after all, the shy child keeps to himself and doesn't cause any fuss. The teacher is often more interested in either the really excellent and enthusiastic students or the difficult troublemakers. Nina could ask the teacher to try to make her son participate in more discussions and activities. A good teacher should be willing to listen to Nina's concern and see how s/he can help nurture Nina's son in the classroom, to coax him out of his shelf and get him to speak up more in the classroom environment. A teacher has limited time and resources and if you don't ask for his/her help, your shy child's needs may be ignored as the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

4. Enroll him in a range of activities to encourage social interaction

There are a range of activities that will teach students the value of teamwork - of course, shy people need to be guided and helped through such experiences. So be it joining the scouts, or doing a team sports like volleyball, basketball or football, Nina should have a word with the teacher/coach so that the teacher can make sure that Nina's son does not try to hide away or blend into the background, but is encouraged to play an active part in the team. Such teamwork experiences will nurture the shy boy's confidence when it comes to dealing with other people and hopefully also expand his social circle, giving him a new group of friends he can feel comfortable and happy with. By the same token, activities like learning a musical instrument would only lead to more social isolation (picture a child spending many hours a week practicing the piano, in a world of his own, shutting out the rest of the world) - but being a part of a school band however, would introduce some much needed balance and social interaction whilst still learning music. 

Choose a sport that involves a lot of teamwork

5. Speak to the boy

Lastly, this may seem obvious: but it turns out that Nina hasn't really been able to speak to her son about the situation yet. She found it such an awkward topic and didn't want to make him feel bad about the situation, so ironically, she found it easier to talk to me about her son than to talk to her son about the situation. Her son may be able to give Nina a lot more useful information about how to help him - is there something that is troubling him at school? Is there a reason why he doesn't like interacting with others at school? What is holding him back from making new friends? These are questions that will probably be best answered by the boy himself. Of course, it wouldn't be easy: he may just say, "I don't know" or "Leave me alone, I'm fine." But it is definitely worth a try because he probably knows what kind of help he would like to receive. You can't really help someone who doesn't want to be helped: you can bring a horse to water but you can't make it drink; so you must involve the boy by seeking his permission to help him.

Coaxing a shy person out of his/her shell is a process that will take time, but it is definitely something that Nina needs to do and I salute her as a mother for recognizing the need for her, as a parent, to help her son with this problem. I would assure Nina that there's nothing Eastern or Western about being shy - regardless of what your nationality is, we all need nurturing to build up our self-worth and self-esteem so as to be able to function confidently in the big bad world. Sure there are cultural factors at play, but there is really no guarantee that a white person will be any less shy or more confident than an Asian person: so much boils down to the way s/he has been nurtured. And yeah, I've met plenty of white people who are shy and struggle with social interactions at the best of times - let us first and foremost recognize it as a problem that we really need to overcome, rather than just accepting it as another personality trait.

So that's it from me on this topic. What are you thoughts about dealing with shyness? Do you know people who are extremely shy? Or have you personally overcome shyness and how did you manage to do it? Do you have any suggestions for my reader Nina? Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below. Many thanks for reading!