I remember there was a disabled student George who used a wheelchair when I was in VJC - he has no choice over the matter, George is physically disabled, that's why he is in a wheelchair. Fortunately, there was a very caring, understanding environment there and his peers (including myself) would often push him around the school and the staff ensured that all his lectures and lessons were on the ground floor so that the venues were all wheelchair accessible. Now imagine if someone started picking on George just because he was disabled and in a wheelchair - how would you feel? I imagine that you would leap to his defence and strike down the bully: how could you possibly make fun of a disabled person in a wheelchair, when George has no control or choice about being disabled?
Case study 2: "Raj"
That much we can agree on. So what about other factors that we cannot control then? What about the colour of our skin? When I was in kindergarten, there was only one Indian boy in my class "Raj" and he was extremely shy. Now the kids in my kindergarten back then were mostly Hokkien or Mandarin speaking and oh boy, they said a lot of racist crap about the colour of Raj's skin. Again, what would you do had you witnessed this kind of behaviour? I am sure you would intervene and tell the Chinese kids that they are wrong in bullying Raj on the basis of the colour of his skin. We don't get to choose whom our parents are and it is ultimately the ethnicity of our parents that determines the colour of our skin. I think you would all agree with me that it is highly unethical and immoral to pick on someone over a factor that he has no control over - such as the colour of his skin (as in the case of Raj). Racism is wrong and despicable.
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| How does it feel to be different from the rest? |
But what about if it concerned the behaviour of one of the parents? Let's move on to the next case study. There was a girl in my primary school "Linda" who didn't have a father in her life - her mother was a single mom who didn't marry Linda's father. Now remember we're talking about Singapore in the 1980s here and there was a much greater stigma against single mothers and children born out of wedlock. When anyone asked about her father, Linda would lie that her father was working abroad, that's why he wasn't in Singapore. But somehow the secret emerged one day and the students started bullying Linda, calling her a bastard, an unwanted child, speculating that the mother had seduced a married man and Linda was a result of an illicit, sleazy affair. As to how true any of those rumours were, I don't know - it was all a very long time ago but I do remember how that poor girl was ostracized and bullied as a result of all this unkind bullying. Now would you condone the way the other students were bullying Linda?
A) Of course, Linda's mother was a 狐狸精 slut, so we should bully the daughter to send a message. Serves her right for having a 狐狸精 slut for a mother, for seducing married men like that.
B) No. Linda has nothing to do with what her mother may have done - judge the mother's actions if you must, but why drag the daughter into the picture? The daughter didn't choose her parents, none of us get to choose our parents.
Cast study 4: "Seng Huat"
There was this boy in my class "Seng Huat" whose grades were failing - he was pretty okay in primary one to three, but when he got to primary four, his studies suffered and it was clear that there were external factors at play. The teacher knew the troubled child wasn't stupid, so the teacher requested to meet Seng Huat's parents to talk about the situation, to try to find a solution together. Seng Huat eventually brought his mother to meet the teacher and they met in an empty classroom after school to talk. A number of us had stayed behind for some ECAs (extra-curricular activities) after school and decided to eavesdrop on the conversation as we were just bored and curious. We went into the classroom next door and pressed our ears hard against the wall, so we were able to follow the conversation.
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| Seng Huat's father was in jail for armed robbery |
It turned out that Seng Huat's father had committed a violent crime (armed robbery) and had spent the last 6 months in jail - he was going to be in jail for quite a while. His mother who had been a housewife previously suddenly had to become the breadwinner for the family. She had managed to find work at a provision shop through a relative, but that meant being in the shop for long hours as the shop opened first thing in the morning and shut very late at night. That meant that her children were pretty much left to their own devices and once in a while, the grandparents would step in and help with childcare but they are not able to do this all the time. The children have lost a stable environment at home, with the added stress of the father in jail, that was why Seng Huat's studies had suffered so much. His behaviour had also deteriorated in the last year and his mother was totally exhausted: she didn't quite know what she should do and had enough troubles of her own and was in fact asking the teacher for help.
The group of us who eavesdropped on that conversation soon spread the tale amongst our friends, it started with, "eh I tell you a secret but you don't tell anyone else hah" - but soon practically the whole school knew that Seng Huat's father was in jail. Seng Huat was taunted, mocked and teased about it no end, the kids would make noises like "bee boo bee boo" mimicking the siren of a police car when they saw him and they would make references like "警察来了/mata lai liao!", "I call police come and catch you" and "go to jail!" Seng Huat was too ashamed of his father to run to the teacher each time someone taunted or bullied him, so he mostly just suffered in silence for a long time. What can I say, children can be extremely cruel sometimes and in my primary school, they behaved atrociously towards poor Seng Huat. Even if his father was guilty of a horrible crime like armed robbery, Seng Huat didn't deserve to be bullied like that. So in the case of Seng Huat, do you think it was acceptable for the other children to bully him like that?
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| Seng Huat's father paid a heavy price for his crimes. |
A) Serves him right, his father broke the law and is now rotting in jail. We must show Seng Huat that society does not accept that kind of behaviour, so he will not end up like his father in jail. So let's bully him.
B) No. Whatever Seng Huat's father did was wrong, but this has nothing to do with Seng Huat and it was not like Seng Huat assisted his father in his crimes. Leave him alone, he's just a kid.
I am sure you can see in all four cases studies: George, Raj, Linda and Seng Huat - it would be unacceptable under any circumstances to mock, taunt or bully these four people. I feel that it is absolutely necessary to take a stance against bullying and say that if someone had tried to bully any of these four people, then they are the ones in the wrong. I would like to assure you that whilst some people did bully Raj, Linda and Seng Huat, there were many others who did not do so and befriended them instead because Raj, Linda and Seng Huat were all very nice people really (as I found out personally after befriending them). But unfortunately, we do live in a world where there are misinformed, misguided and unkind people and not everyone in my primary school and kindergarten were sensible enough to act with kindness towards Linda and Seng Huat. How should we respond to bullies when we meet people like that?
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| Do George, Raj, Linda and Seng Huat deserve to be bullied? |
But let's put ourselves in Linda's shoes for a moment. What should she do if someone were to lash out at her and call her a illegitimate bastard, the daughter of a 狐狸精 slut? Should she blame the bully or should she blame her mother? And as a society, when we are confronted with such a situation: should we blame the bully or should we blame Linda's mother? Likewise, if someone were to pick of Dash in his school in a similar manner, should we blame the bully or should we blame Xiaxue for being such a provocative, controversial character? This is why I say it is very important for us to be careful with our reactions, because if you do not blame the bully - then you are perpetuating the culture of bullying, you are condoning bullying behaviour and you are allowing these nasty bullies to get away with unforgivable conduct. This should be such a simple matter really, there should be no moral ambiguity about this.
But wait. Many of you hate Xiaxue. I think she realizes that she is a very controversial character: love her or hate her but you can't ignore her. I'm not here to defend her. Actually, I am not a fan of hers either and I do feel that this whole war she has started against Gushcloud has been unethical at times. That is why I refuse to take sides on this issue as I feel that both parties are in the wrong - however, I must take a strong stance against people who condone bullying as there can be no excuse for that. By all means, hate Xiaxue if you must, condemn her behaviour, criticize her for what she has done - but if you claim that her son will be bullied because of the way she has behaved, then you are walking on thin ice in terms of perpetuating a culture where innocent children are blamed for the actions of their parents or anyone else they may be associated with. No, this is wrong and I must draw the line here. Leave Dash out of the equation here when it comes to judging Xiaxue - he is innocent and has absolutely nothing to do with Xiaxue's actions.
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| Feel free to dislike her if you must, I'm not here to defend her. |
Bullying is nasty, bullying undermines the victim and this reminds me of a person I had spoken to through my blog a while ago. There was a student at a Singaporean polytechnic and she kept going on about how there were these classmates who didn't like her and she didn't know what to do about the situation. I then asked her an important question, "Okay, they don't like you, I get it, but do you like them?" She then answered, "Of course not, I don't like them at all." So I told her what I thought was painfully obvious, "Since you don't like them and they don't like you, wouldn't the easiest thing to do be to simply avoid them altogether? Why are you so concerned to get them to like you when you don't like them? Why are you trying to be well-liked by everyone?"
You see, life is not a popularity contest. You will undoubtedly at some stage encounter some people who are flawed, who will try to bully you and make life difficult for you - what should you do then in such a situation? I think the most important response is for us to condemn the bully for what s/he is - you see, if you start blaming anyone else, then you are allowing the bully to get away with bullying and that is just wrong on so many levels. After you have condemned the bully, then you must have the resolve to say, "that person is a bully and I will not allow that person to be my friend, I have standards for people who wish to befriend me and if you fall below my standards, then screw you I don't want you to be my friend." Of course, it is easy to preach such an ethos - I don't pretend that it is easy to carry it out.
And if you find yourself in a situation where the vast majority of the people around you fall below those standards, then it is extremely important to uphold those standards especially in such a situation. I have been in such a position myself when I was in the army during NS. I had the choice: either I would have little or no friends (and thus I would curl up in the corner on my own with a good book) or I would spend a lot of time and effort to please people who have no intention of treating me decently with any kind of kindness or respect. The latter sounds pretty horrible, so I chose the former and boy, I read a lot of books during NS. But like that polytechnic student who was so obsessed with getting her classmates to like her, she totally forgot that she didn't like these people in the first place, yet she was going out of her way to get them to like her? Why was she trying to please people she didn't even like?
Look, the only people who put themselves in such a position are politicians: they have to win elections so they go out to meet the public, canvassing for votes, shaking hands and kissing babies - they are trying to get as many voters as possible to like them. They don't even have the luxury of turning around and disliking someone they meet, because it could lose them votes (as Gordon Brown accidentally found out). If Dash were to meet someone who were to treat him badly, ostracized or isolate him because of his mother, I'd like to think that the boy would have the presence of mind to say, "screw you, if that's the kind of person you are, then go fuck yourself. I'm not at all interest in being your friend if that's how low you will stoop, I have standards and you fall far below my standards. You're not worthy of my time, attention or friendship. And if everyone of you turn out to be like that, then I would much rather read a good book than to waste a moment of my time on any of you scumbags. PS. Fuck the lot of you. You losers can go fuck yourselves."
The reality is you cannot guarantee that the people around you will always treat you with kindness and respect (as I found out in NS), but at the very least, we can stand up to the bullies and disempower them by making it harder for them to make us feel bad about ourselves. Now in my case studies, people had tried to make Raj, Linda and Seng Huat feel bad about themselves and I hope that they were tough enough to not let the bullies have their way every time. So in conclusion, feel free to hate Xiaxue, but if anyone has the nerve to pick on Dash at school, I hope you are reasonable enough to blame the bully rather than Xiaxue in this case. And I am not even a fan of Xiaxue and I am not even going to defend her actions - if you wanna hate her, please go ahead. But I have to be the voice of reason when it comes to bullying as I have seen too much of that shit in my lifetime. This has got to stop. #saynotobullying
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| I have not spoken up enough on the subject of bullying. |
That's it from me on this issue. As you can see, it is a highly emotional topic for me as I have seen so much nasty bullying growing up in Singapore and I have very strong views on the issue. I am keen to hear what you have to say about the issue - please do leave a comment for me below. Thank you very much for reading. #saynotobullying
1) Xiaxue is in full control, and the bad publicity she's receiving in preventable. It is different from the disability, skin color, single mother and jailed father excuse someone may use to bully. The scale of what XX did, and having no shame in what she did, might exaggerate the damage.
ReplyDelete2) The number one way I found to stop bullying is to keep a low profile, have nothing for people to talk about and being surrounded by friends. Though life is not a popularity contest, but in class, one must at least have 4 close friends to form groups with and become a harder target for bullies.
3) Things that one do in public can affect their closed ones. I once got in a very minor controversy (I was misquoted by the reporter!) and I unfortunately, impacted my loved ones very negatively. I was upset with the way I've affected my loved ones, so from there, I've decided either I don't talk to reporters at all or I talk to them via email to avoid misquotation. XX? Going on and on knowing that it can affect her child.
I'm glad you've responded Dakota because this post was in direct response to you.
Delete1. You are free to dislike and disapprove of the actions that Xiaxue has taken - the same way I can pass judgement on the way Seng Huat's father landed up in jail for armed robbery. Seng Huat's father clearly has done something very wrong and he must have caused a lot of hurt, grief and trauma to his victim - which is why he was given a long jail sentence. However, I am talking about separating your judgement: you're lumping child and parent together and the whole point of this piece is simple. Regardless of what the parent may have done, there can still be no reasonable justification for anyone to bully the child as long as the child did not take part in the parent's actions. So feel free to dislike Xiaxue as much as you want Dakota, but you still cannot cross the line and condone anyone bullying her child as a result of her actions. That is a line nobody should cross because bullying is wrong.
2. You are falling prey to the concept of being popular, that is why I stressed in this piece: life is not a popularity contest. I think it is a product of vanity, to want to be perceived as popular and well liked. Some people also feel the need to be validated by their peers or their parents ... it is actually a fairly human trait, but one must be very careful whom one seeks validation or approval from. This herd mentality you talk about... I don't think it is a defensive mechanism per se, but more a natural tendency for humans to gather with peers they feel an affinity for. But of course, as seen in my case studies, someone like Linda got bullied through no fault of her own and that was bad. I don't think having friends (mind you she did have some friends including myself) at that time, but when bullies decide that you are a target for whatever reason, they don't care whether you have friends or not.
3. Oh please, I got dragged into a far worse controversy which ended up in not just having an internet troll but my whole family kena affected as well including my sister and my parents. http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/game-of-trolls-singapore-style.html Like you, I gave a long rambling interview to the BBC, it got edited in a way that left out certain facts and the result was it offended a lot of PAP supporters and it boiled down to what order my list of reasons were to move to the UK - once you surrender control an editor after an interview, you have no control over. So yeah, I've been there and suffered as bad if not worse than you.
As for Xiaxue, I recognize that there are unreasonable people in this world who did bully someone like Linda and Seng Huat in my case studies, but then again, there are also people who will pick on someone like Raj for the colour of his skin. The fact is, as much as parents love their children and want to protect their children from any kind of bullying, the only way you can totally protect them from bullying is to keep them away from school, teach them at home, that is the only way you can prevent them from ever coming into contact with nasty kids who will bully you over crap that has nothing to do with your fault (ref: case studies above). Otherwise, the next best thing is to teach your kids how to deal with bullies, teach them tactics, give them a sense of self-respect and self-esteem, after all, eventually your kids will grow up and become adults and step into the big bad world with loads of nasty people - and the earlier you teach your kids how to deal with the evil big bad world, the better prepared they will be.
1) There is some confusion here, between the concepts of "stress from bullying" VS "impact of being closely associated with notorious celebrities".
ReplyDelete2) Agree with LIFT that bullying is preventable: stand up to it if youre a victim, speak out against it if youre an observer, stop doing it if youre the perpetrator.
3) However Dakota has a valid argument that if you are immediate family of somebody famous, you cannot avoid the fallout if they do despicable things.
4) The best you can hope for, is to ride out the hatewave to emerge stronger and writeoff the suffering by calling it an "experience". But most people would rather not undergo (or put their loved ones through it) in the first place.
5) LIFT, Dakota's point, if you are the child of a celebrity, you face more pressure and scrutiny than your peers, therefore XX should consider the consequences of her actions on Dash. To illustrate, take the child of the Jolie-Pitts who was born female but now identifies as male (name was changed from Shiloh to John).
6) Is it possible it's just a phase that many children go through? But now that it's been announced to the whole world, it will affect whether a future sexual identity can develop naturally. At the age of 8, one has not even reached puberty or developed a strong sense of sexuality. Some girls are tomboyish but grow into feminine teenagers (not my personal experience, but observed from my sons' social circle).
7) So in this case, it becomes a disadvantage to have famous parents. And the Jolie-Pitts should protect their child from this type of publicity, just like XX should protect Dash from being over exposed, or too easily recognised by the general public. What do you think?
Hello again and thanks for your comment. I like the way you've used bullet points so it is easy for me to respond!
Delete1. I agree to a certain extent - being closely associated with a notorious celebrity does not necessarily lead to bullying. I say that as someone who has worked in media with a lot of famous people and I totally roll my eyes and I am told, "oh she is the wife of so-and-so or she is the daughter of so-and-so" I'm like big fat hairy deal, so what? If you're famous, then fair enough I'll sit up and take notice but if you're just associated to someone famous then don't expect me to give a damn. It's like once, there was the daughter of a famous actor who took classes at my gymnastics club in London and I'm like, so? It's her dad who's famous, not her. she's just another kid.
I think it's also unfair to define such people (eg. the daughter of a famous actor) by their association with a celebrity - after all, that person deserves to be treated on the basis of merit: we can like or dislike them, judge them on what they do and say, rather than whom they are related to.
3. I did agree with Dakota when I pointed out that as my case studies demonstrate, yes the world is full of unreasonable bullies who will pick on you for reasons that can come across as irrational or unfair. However, I am talking about our response to such people. Do we empower them by silently condoning their behaviour? Or do we put our foot down and say, no, this is wrong, leave the child alone, judge the parent if you must but stop bullying the child. That is a line in the sand we must be clear on.
4. We cannot protect our loved ones from the nastier side of human nature in the world (think about Raj's parents who are Indian-Singaporeans and have to raise their poor son in a racist Singapore) - the best the parents can do is empower their children to cope better when they do meet the bullies.
5. Yes, and so? I hardly think people are thaaaat interested in Dash. Xiaxue is not Angelina Jolie.
6. I believe the child should be free to explore one's identity in a safe environment without being forced one way or another. Many transgender people do begin exploring their gender identity very early in their lives and this is something that begins early as they start to understand their place in the world. Many in Asian societies, however, are forced to conform to prescribed gender identities because of our culture that places such emphasis on conformity. So you have to be careful not to impose your Asian perspectives on someone from a totally different, far more liberal American culture.
Delete7. I think you are looking only at the negative aspects of celebrity instead of the benefits. Look, I work in media and it's bloody hard to get well paid work in this industry. One goes from contract to contract rather than has a permanent job - it is far less stable than working as a nurse, teacher or engineer. There is a lot of nepotism in showbiz and a lot of it depends so much on whom you know, someone being willing to give you a chance and merit goes completely out of the window. Do you think that Tori Spelling and Miley Cyrus actually go to where they are today on their on merit? Hell no, they had famous parents who had could open any door they wanted in Hollywood and they have made so much easy money on that basis. Of course it is not fair as there are so many more talented actors and singers who are ignored, but such is the nature of the industry in our celebrity obsessed culture. These children of celebrities have very easy access to a highly lucrative career in media as a result of their parents' fame and I feel there's a certain element of sour grapes on your part CLT. You're not a celebrity, you're unable to open doors for your children at the snap of your fingers, your children are going to have to struggle like everyone else against the odds on the basis of merits. So you are conveniently ignoring the benefits of being in such a privileged position and only focusing on the loss of privacy. Good grief, what I would give to have that kind of benefit that this celebrity connection could give me, I could get ahead in my industry and have so many unfair advantages and get my hand on lucrative contracts. But no, I am the son of humble parents who are nobodies and thus I have to struggle on whilst I watch children of celebrities be given golden opportunities on a silver platter.
The world is highly unfair and the balance of power tilts highly in favour of those who have fame and fortune - would that surprise you my friend?
I don't think Dash is the only concern.
ReplyDeleteThere are also
1. Hubby at work
2. Parents in society
3. In laws in society
In every action we do, we can forego on other feelings and even situation by insisting we are correct.
There is always a better way to resolve this or should we said expose this?
First of all, I don't dislike XX. She is have every right to voice out.
Her last action is hurting her own industry. One must think of consequences of one action. I heard her car plate was bend recently. Heard only. I never go confirm.
Second, we have people who are nasty around us and this is the same for the 4 group of people in XX life.
Her action does give a "reason" for any attack and the attacker will feel she deserve it.
This is really sad when the one who are hurt might not be entirely bad like Yilin Goh.
Yilin's real friend will definitely feel what Yilin have to go through is un-call for.
Karma is a simple word yet what goes around comes around and it might not affect the individual directly but rather those close to her.
Good grief. What did your primary six English teacher say about the standard of your English? I swear there are kids in primary school in Singapore who can write in grammatically perfect English whilst there are so many errors in what you have written it was painful to read. Did you even pass PSLE English? Perhaps you had a point to make, but when you write in broken English like that, nobody can bear to struggle through your bad English and try to guess what the hell you're trying to say. Good grief. This reflects very poorly on the Singaporean education system.
DeleteDid Kenji just mentioned in-laws?! Good golly! The last people most women would care about when making work-related decisions are in-laws! Falling Snow is not married to royalty or the Crawleys at Downton Abbey! Who cares who her in-laws are or even her parents. As for hubby dearest --- trust me, I bet he supports whatever she does. Here is a guy who is an engineer with a ridiculous-looking wife who has a ridiculous public image. He is still in the picture. I can bet why --- because they are a team! Her image as this Falling Snow with the angmoh husband and the ugly dyed blond hair and a mixed-race son named Dash works with her fans and followers. Her husband is also enjoying her wealth. Obviously his work image is not affected by it, or he would have left by now or told her to change. Kenji, Falling Snow did not kill anyone. She has not been involved with crime and larceny, ... yet. All she has done is stir !@#$%^. This was a calculated move. I am sure every thing she has done as Falling Snow XX has been calculated right down to the last penny as to how the nail polish on her pinky toe would rake in $$$ for her. Gosh! In-laws? In-laws in society?! WTF?! When I make decisions about ANYTHING in my life, my in-laws has NEVER been part of the equation. Moreover, I will vouch for all my co-workers and friends who will say that their in-laws do not fall into the equation. What society do you live in? India? Iran?
DeleteI can't believe you are even taking the time to take this Kenji half seriously. I didn't. LOL.
DeleteYou can't mention in-laws without getting me riled up. What an idiot! Besides, I am just procrastinating the real work I have to do. Back to work on Monday. Yikes!
DeleteHahahaha, I only start work on the 14th Jan after I get back from Spain! I am still in holiday mode, lalalalala!
DeleteI would hate you if I could. Lalalalala my eye! What a life you have. BAH!
Delete"life is not a popularity contest"
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately (or fortunately?) for XX, her life IS a popularity contest. Her income is more or less related to her popularity or notoriety.
Roger, I think the issue is a bit more complex than that. If life was a popularity contest, then I think social workers, nurses and those who care for the elderly and the disabled would be the most well liked popular people in our society. However, they mostly keep a low profile and we don't know know/care about these people. Instead, our society is obsessed with singers, actors, footballers and other celebrities who are hardly nice people (I refer you to this ridiculous story I heard today: http://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/row-zed/phil-neville-made-first-cup-4912739 These celebrities are NOT nice people most of the time! Like what has Kim Kardashian or Justin Bieber done to help humanity? Yet they are far more famous than people who have won the Nobel peace prize.
DeleteHence within that context of our warped society, Xiaxue is doing what she can to stay in the headlines and stir up a lot of shit to get our attention and she is very good at stirring up shit. That does not, however, involve being nice or trying to be popular (which would involve us actually liking her). The fact that we're having this conversation at all is proof that she can get our attention without us liking her at all. I don't like her - I doubt you do. Her income is related to her getting our attention - yes you can call it notoriety, but it doesn't have to involve us liking her per se.
Hi LIFT,
ReplyDeleteI know i'm reviving and old post here but just want to ask if you have any thoughts on this...
http://www.singaporelawwatch.sg/slw/headlinesnews/61483-former-rgs-student-claims-she-was-bullied-sues-school.html?utm_source=email%20subscription&utm_medium=email
Seems extremely ridiculous and I seriously cannot believe she has the galls to try and sue, or that a lawyer would even take up the case... Is this another case of singaporean who cannot navigate the social situation and decides to demand something get done?