Learning to laugh at myself: it's an act but it works

I must admit, I am quite confused and puzzled by what my reader Luck of Fire has written today but I am determined to keep an open mind and be as constructive as possible. Firstly, this is what she wrote:

Luck of Fire 10 February 2014 12:13

Yes, my acquaintances at school are interested in celebrities, but some of the people can be really really mean, they will upload the "unglam" photos of others and sending it out via Whatsapp messenger.

It might be like socialising for them lah, gossip here and there about who likes who. Some of us don't even like celebrities, they are more interested in gaming. I swear, nobody is interested in the celebrities activities, they are more interested in who likes who and who is dating who. I remember receiving a group Whatsapp message of someone sleeping and drooling in class, the person got pissed with the person who upload it that they ended their friendship. In 2014, almost everyone carries a camera around....and some nasty people will take the chance to snap unglamorous pictures people and upload it online to amuse people and cause embarrassment to the victim. It is extremely popular for teenagers to do such things now because physically bullying is not so trendy anyone because you can get caught easily, while cyber-bullying takes a passive form, hurting the victim's reputation without them knowing anything.

How would you react to others gawking over a bad photo of you?

Firstly, I find what she wrote somewhat puzzling to say the least because that was not my experience. When I was a teenager, I took little interest in my classmates - I had my idols, my heroes. They were a mix of sports superstars, actors and singers - these were the kind of super famous celebrities who were making headlines and had fans from all over the world. My classmates were boring in comparison to these celebrities - but that's just me. So if Luck of Fire has peers who are as she described, so be it - we can't all be the same. I shall attempt to be constructive and helpful.

Let me tell you about an especially unflattering picture of me that was taken in 1991, when I was in secondary school. Those were the days before camera phones, back then we used cameras and you didn't know how good or bad a photo was until it was developed. At my secondary school, there was a year book which was produced annually and the editor wanted to take a picture of all the sports teams for the year book. As I was on the gymnastics team, I was invited to be in this photo. So all the sports teams turned out in our sports uniforms to pose for this photo and for some reason, I thought, I must show everyone just how strong I am. Yeah I'll flex those muscles in this photo.

Yup, Limpeh is a gymnast and I still enjoy gymnastics today.

So as the photographer said, "Are you ready everyone, smile for the camera, one, two, three!" I clenched my fists, took a deep breath, puffed up my chest and flexed every muscle in my body. It was over in a split second and I didn't realize just how ridiculous I looked until I got hold of a copy of the year book. OMFG, words cannot describe how ridiculous I looked in that photo. I couldn't believe my eyes - I was mortified when I saw it - my cheeks were so puffed up I looked like a hamster, I had this expression on my face that I could only describe as a cross between extreme pain and discovering that you've just shat yourself whilst trying to fart. Yes it was that bad - mind you, my muscles looked fine in that photo but I swear you couldn't have taken a worse picture of my face.

And the next thought that popped into my mind was this, "everyone in the school is going to get a copy of that year book with me looking that ridiculous". Oh dear. What should I do? How was I going to face everyone at school?  I dreaded how people were going to react when they saw that horrendous photo.

You won't believe how bad that photo was...

I knew everyone who saw that photo would laugh at how ridiculous I looked - even people who didn't know me would find that photo funny, like really, words can't express how awkward that expression was on my face. How was I going to live it down? Crying or getting upset wasn't going to change anything at that stage, so I adopted a case of reverse psychology. Drastic situations called for drastic solutions - and this was a drastic situation indeed.

The next morning I brought the year book with me into class and before anyone could say anything, I opened the book to the page with that horrible photo and said, "hey everyone, have you all seen this hilarious photo of me in the year book? How funny do I look there?! Come and have a look! I couldn't stop laughing when I saw that ridiculous photo!" I would then pull funny faces to try to reproduce the ridiculous expression I had on my face when the photo was taken.

I often pull funny faces and am often the joker amongst my friends.

My classmates were a bit puzzled at first because they had expected me to be embarrassed about that horrible photo - but instead, there I was, laughing at myself before any of them could laugh at me. I had beat them to it. I was employing reverse psychology: in showing them that I was already laughing at myself, I had prevented them from trying to make me feel bad about the unflattering photo of me. Soon, they got the message: my unusual sense of humour meant that I was able to laugh at myself and make fun of myself - I wasn't a vain person who would get upset over a bad photo of myself: I was a joker, a comedian, who was able to see the funny side of it.

So when people came up to me to say something like, "hey, were you eating some super sour sngbuay (酸梅, Chinese preserved sour plums) when that photo was taken? Is that why your face liddat?" I would reply, "no, I was eating Super Lemon - even more sour! That's why my face was so screwed up!" That was not the response they expected - so instead of making me feel upset about the photo, they only managed to make me laugh about the whole situation. We call this self-deprecation: it is a technique employed by many British comedians. Here's the punchline - being able to laugh at yourself is a great way to stop others from making fun of you.

Remember this Japanese candy? 

Did I really have that kind of self-deprecating humour? Not really. But I was adapting to the circumstances, don't forget, I was trying to flex my muscles in that photo to look good in the first place - of course I was very vain and I don't deny that. I still am very vain today! But when it all went horribly wrong and I ended up looking absolutely ridiculous, I had no choice but to come up with a solution to the situation that I had found myself in. Perhaps it's because I am naturally thick skinned to begin with, that is why I was able and willing to laugh at myself when it became clear that it was the best course of action to take. Well, luckily for me, my plan actually worked surprisingly well.

When the guys at the school realized that they were unable to make me feel embarrassed about my terrible photo, guess what they did? They moved on, picked on someone else who had an unflattering photo in the year book - yup, I wasn't the only one who had a terrible picture taken of me that year. This other guy was acutely embarrassed about his bad photo and when people teased him about it - he ran to the teacher and complained, like, "teacher teacher, they say I look funny in my year book photo, teacher they are teasing me, teacher make them stop." The more he ran to the teachers, the more people wanted to tease him about it because they realized just how sensitive he was about it and how easy it was to wind him up. He gave the bullies exactly what they wanted.

Most people think they will 'lose face' over an unflattering photo...

You see, you have to understand the psychology of bullies - why do they want to laugh at someone's unflattering photo? It is not the photo per se they are interested in, it is the reaction they are after. They can pick on any aspect of the victim - his hair, his weight, his clothes, his shoes, his ethnicity, his sexuality, his religion, the way he talks, the way he walks, anything at all really, as long as they get the reaction they are after. Back in the 1990s, teenage bullies would gladly pick on your weight or your hair or any other aspect of your appearance just to make the victims upset - in 2014 sure the bullies have gone high tech with their mobile phones, but the psychology behind their motivations hasn't changed at all after over 20 years. Bullies get a thrill, a sense of power if they can make their victims cry and feel bad about themselves - denying them that power to hurt you instantly disarms the bullies and disempowers them.

Luck of Fire keeps using the term, "hurting the victim" - well, if the "victim" shows the bullies that he can't be hurt because he has such a thick skin that he can laugh at a bad picture of himself - then what do you think will happen next? The bullies simply move on and pick a different target - and that was how I got away with that really horrible photo of me appearing in the year book that year. I simply looked at the situation from the point of view of the bullies, it's the art of seeing a situation from someone else's point of view.

Why do bullies pick certain victims and not others?

What would be my advice to deal with people like that? Laugh at yourself, indulge in a bit of self-deprecation. That's the best reaction you can have - it's a question of timing, it is an act of self-defence: if you know the punch is coming, you step into it before it fully develops to lessen the blow. At the end of the day, no we cannot avoid bad photos being taken of us. And we cannot change the fact that there will be bullies out there who will be seeking a cheap thrill in making you feel about about those hideous photos. But we're not powerless - we can always react in a way that denies the bullies what they're looking for.

And here's a confession I have to make: yes I was very embarrassed by that horrible photo and even today, I get upset when I see an unflattering photo of myself - but hey, I am a good actor and back then, I gave everyone the impression that I found that hideous photo of myself absolutely hilarious. You don't have to change the person you are - you just have to know how to deal with the bullies around you and that will involve a bit of acting. So Luck of Fire, I've been there myself and I've dealt with it. As usual, please feel free to leave a comment below, thanks for reading.

Do you know how to handle bullies?