LIFT, I have a question about my kid participating in team sports which Im hesitant to ask, but will anyway, since Id really like your opinion. My son's CCA used to be soccer, but he was kicked out of the school team because he wasn't good enough. Due to his height I decided to switch him to basketball, thinking he would have a better chance to be in the school team. Recently I went to watch him play in a friendly & noticed he kept running AWAY from the ball. When I asked him about it after the match he got upset as he hadn't realized his behavior was noticeable. Then he turned around and blamed me for taking him out of soccer and putting him in basketball. (He is not in the basketball inter school team either)
I spoke to the teacher in charge who admitted he wasn't an ideal player as he is "too passive" on the court. This character flaw worries me. I don't care about him winning in games, but I do think avoiding responsibility / lack of drive will be a great disadvantage in our competitive society. If you encounter this among your gym trainees, what would you do or say?
There's quite a lot to unpack here so I am going to divide these into several different issues under different headings. Some of what I talk about here may or may not be directly applicable to Mr Toh's son (henceforth referred to as "Junior"), so please bear with me as I want to approach the topic a bit more generally so that other parents may find some benefit in reading this article as well.
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| German gymnastics superstar Fabian Hambuchen. |
1. Getting the synergy within a team right is really difficult.
It is quite a big ask for a coach in a team sport (like basketball, soccer etc) to get everyone to work together as a team - if a child like Junior is deliberately shying away from participating (by avoiding the ball), we have to ask ourselves why that is happening. I can make the following suggestions:
- It is possible that Junior does not get along with the other members of his team - that may explain why he runs away from the ball. His behaviour is counter-productive to the success of the team and it may be a passive-aggressive response on his part. He is shying away from open confrontation with the others on his team, but he is deliberately trying to make a negative impact on his team by refusing to help them win.
- It is also a possible reaction to the rest of the team refusing to include him in their strategy: say if they refused to pass the ball to him despite him shouting and waving like crazy, he learns quite quickly that he is being ostracized by the team - so by deliberately avoiding the ball, he is sparing himself the punishment of being denied the ball.
- Junior is being made to play a role in the team he is not happy with and doesn't know how to voice his displeasure apart from passively withdrawing from participation in this manner (aka passive resistance).
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| Getting a sports team to work together is not easy. |
Let's look at each of these scenarios and propose a solution for each of them.
- If Junior is not getting along with his other team members, it is a big ask for a child to try to solve that problem if it involved complex group dynamics amongst his peer group. I always say that life is not a popularity contest and if he can't get along with this group, it's not the end of the world. In an ideal world, sure he can learn a lot if he can figure out how to make friends with these other basketball players, but otherwise it may be just easier to move him to a different activity where he can encounter a different group of children. That will be the litmus test really - you need to find out if the other children are being difficult with him (that can happen and it'll be no fault of Junior) or if Junior is the one causing the problems (in that case you'll experience the same problems no matter what activity you enroll Junior in). This is something you need to find out.
- If the second scenario is happening, then that is an issue that the coach needs to address as the players are not working effectively as a team - this is not something Junior can resolve on his own. If the coach is too blind/ineffective to spot this and deal with it, then it's time to move Junior onto another activity where he will hopefully get a better coach who knows what s/he is doing!
- In basketball and football, there are different positions on the team. Take football for example: you would be familiar with the following terms like centre forward, midfielder, defense, striker and goalkeeper. In basketball you have the shooting guard, small forward, power forward, centre and point guard. It is important to assign the player to the most suitable role where s/he feels most comfortable in contributing to the team. Putting someone in a role they hate or cannot perform well in will only breed resentment.
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| If one person is being left out in the team, the team captain or teacher should be held responsible. |
Following on from the last point, I would like to talk about the Belbin test - otherwise known as the "team role inventory". I am not going to explain what it is here as Wikipedia does a pretty darn good job of that, but the bottom line is that each of us have our unique personalities that determines what kind of role we play in a team. We're naturally inclined to certain roles and we'll be terrible at other roles - this is usually applied in a corporate context when you want to build a strong team and ensure that each member of staff is placed in the most suitable role. It may be a good idea for Mr Toh to subject Junior to the Belbin test to see what kind of team role his personality would naturally suit. For example, when I did the test, I was evaluated to be a 'specialist' - so it is no surprise that I excel in individual sports like gymnastics and diving where I get to retreat into my own world in my mind, training alone, ignoring everyone else around me; and more to the point, I scored a 0% match to the roles of team worker, which explains why I have always avoided team sports like basketball and soccer! I simply didn't enjoy the experience of team sports.
So imagine if Junior turned out to be a specialist like me who was not a natural team worker - placing him a sport like soccer, volleyball, rugby or football would be a recipe for disaster. Even putting him in a sport like badminton or tennis would not be a great match since he would not be a good solution as a sport like that would involve some kind of mental engagement with the opponent - whereas in a sport like gymnastics, ice skating or diving, you perform alone and there any kind of engagement with other human beings is, well, optionally really.
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| I dislike team spots and like to work alone - such as when I am skiing. |
2. The coach is responsible but he has a very hard job.
Now I don't want to blame the coach... but I am going to entertain the possibility that maybe Junior has a lousy coach who doesn't know how to deal with this situation. As the coach in charge of the basketball team, I am surprised that it took Mr Toh to spot Junior's behaviour - why didn't the coach spot it before and do something about it already? I am shocked. Like seriously, this coach/teacher-in-charge needs to wake up and do his job!
As a gymnastics coach, I can understand the pressures of having to teach a whole class of students - you just hope that you don't have a child who needs one-to-one attention. Now classes are fairly cheap to attend if the coach to student ratio is say 1:10 for instance, but demanding a 1:1 lesson becomes very expensive. Now the nightmare scenario for a sports coach is to have a class of 10 only to realize that one child is consuming 90+% of your attention and you're effectively neglecting the rest of the class who are getting less than 10% of your attention. I have found myself in that situation before and it is intensely frustrating for the coach.
Why am I mentioning this? I just want to remind you that any kind of sports coach (or teacher for that matter) has a really tough job when it comes to dealing with a tricky situation like the one which has manifested in Junior's basketball game. Would trying to drill down and uncover the root causes of Junior's behaviour take so long that it would disrupt most of the practice for everyone? Would it really necessary to micromanage every aspect of every student's behaviour? Can a teacher allow a group of 15 year old teenagers to work things out amongst themselves?
My first instinct is to demand that Junior's coach resolves the situation - the buck stops with him, you want to teach sports, it is your responsibility to deal with issues like that whether you like it or not. It's not an easy job, it's probably not something I would be confident of resolving successfully but that's still the coach's job at the end of the day and to simply blame Junior's character as 'too passive' - now that's lame. I would have liked to have seen a far more constructive approach involving the Junior's parents to try to get him out of his shell and build his confidence within the context of the team if possible. And if the coach is not willing to make the effort - then it's time to move on to another coach as the coach then becomes part of the problem.
3. Is a different sport the answer?
One of suggestions I made to Mr Toh was to get his son involved in a sport like tennis, badminton or table tennis where it would be far harder to hide during the lesson. When the ball or shuttlecock comes across the net, you have to run towards it and try to hit it, there's no hiding or avoiding it. One of the reasons why I hated football was because there were way too many players on the field at one time and I simply wasn't making enough contact with the ball - I grew bored and frustrated with football when forced to play it. In terms of a sport for a PE lesson, it was cheap: one football for 22 students - 11 on each time. Whereas if you wanted to do a tennis lesson, you would have to give each student a tennis racket and you could get only 4 students onto each tennis court at a time: that's an expensive sport! So I can see why they chose football over tennis for a PE lesson, but it still didn't satisfy me at all as a sport.
If this is the cause of Junior's frustration, then a sport like badminton or gymnastics would easily solve the problem - Junior would become enthusiastic about the sport and participate far more readily. But if it is not the solution to the problem, then even in a sport like gymnastics, the student can still 'hide' from the lesson if s/he just doesn't want to be there. You see, as a gymnastics coach, we are very careful about any kind of injuries that may occur during the class. With children doing handstands and turning upside down, accidents can potentially happen, it comes with the territory. To get out of a gymnastics lesson, all you have to do is claim that your head hurts and the standard protocol is to immediately remove the child from the lesson and get the child medical attention. Over the years, I've seen so many kids in gymnastics classes simply claim, "my head really hurts" or "I have a headache" or simply, "I'm not feeling very well, I need to rest please" if they want to get out of the class. They know it is their "get out of jail free" card - so putting a child in a sport like gymnastics is no guarantee that they will participate in the class.
4. Is a different activity the answer?
Perhaps if Junior is just not one for sports - that's fine. Encourage Junior to find something that he is reasonably good at and will enjoy - it could be music, it could be something to do with arts and crafts, it could be something like chess, it could be learning a foreign language, it could be something to do with technology. it could be something like acting or dancing. It may involve his parents doing quite a bit of research and spending some money for Junior to experience different workshops and lessons, outside his school environment if necessary.
Remember whilst that Junior may not be especially talented in any of the activities he tries, you're waiting to find one that he enjoys so he may reap the positive benefits of participating in that activity. This may be a process that requires time, so please be prepared to be patient with him.
5. How to deal with the issue of his lack of self-confidence.
The fact that Junior rebelled against his basketball team by avoiding the ball is a sign that he lacks self-confidence to stand up to anyone: not his coach, not his team mates, not even his parents and when finally confronted about it, he blamed his father rather than talk about the reasons behind his behaviour. This suggests to me that Junior is a troubled child who really needs to work on his self-confidence to find the strength and resolve to deal with the situations in his life that he is not happy with: even if that means simply plucking up the courage to say to his father, "dad, this basketball thing is not working out, I quit." Note that he hasn't even done that and would rather avoid the ball during basketball practice instead of simply quitting basketball altogether. What does this say about Junior?
Let's take several steps back and look at the wider picture. How can we build Junior's confidence? I think the first thing to do is to remove him from the basketball environment which is clearly not bringing the best out of him. I'm afraid too many people think that there is a simple solution to this like, "I'll take him mountain climbing and if he can climb this very high mountain, then he will feel like he can conquer any challenge in life." It doesn't work like that I'm afraid, by all means take him mountain climbing (in fact that could be a brilliant father-son bonding experience) as that's probably going to be a fun experience but you need to work on this from many different angles.
I have just realized that Junior is in fact 15 - that shocked me as I thought (from my initial exchange with Mr Toh) that his son was more like 8 or 9, maybe at most 10; but 15?! Good grief. By 15, I was making all my own choices about so many things in life (I was at loggerheads with my parents but that's another story for another day) and whilst it is good that Mr Toh wants to take such a keen interest in his son (he went to see his son's basketball training - I wish my parents actually made such an effort when I was 15), I feel that they need to back off and allow Junior to make up his own mind as to what activities he ought to pursue. Quite simply, his parents need to say, "go on son, you decide, it's your decision. You can decide for yourself. You're old enough, I trust you son."
It may seem like a small gesture but it is a vote of confidence from one's parents - our self confidence is built slowly over the years, each vote of confidence we receive is stored into a bank in our memory and the more votes we get, the more confident we become. Older, more confident people do not need that vote of confidence from others if they already believe in themselves - but with a fragile young man like Junior, he badly needs that vote of confidence from his parents in the first instance. If they deny him that and effectively say, "we don't trust you to make your own decisions, you're immature and childish that's why we will make those decisions on your behalf." If this is the message he is getting from his own parents, then how the hell is the poor kid supposed to ever build his self-confidence?
So you see, this is probably the most critical part of the equation and the most difficult one to solve because we're looking at a situation that has built up over many years - the good news is that Junior's parents are probably the best people in the world to exert the most influence and help the most with this aspect of his development. It is necessary for them as parents to learn to let go and stand back. This can be hard if it may mean that they allow Junior to make his own mistakes, but that's an important part of growing up: taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions and mistakes. All parents have to learn to let go at some stage - is Mr Toh ready to do this?
I know Mr Toh has talked about being a 'cool dad' but that does not mean allowing your son to just do as he wishes - it may mean for example, forcing Junior to solve his own problems. For example, what should Junior do after he leaves basketball? Dad should say something like, "it's clear basketball isn't working out for you, you need to pick another activity - what would you like to do instead? It's your choice, you need to pick something you like and will enjoy. I'll support your decision and I trust you to make up your own mind." It would mean forcing Junior to pick something - it does not mean allowing Junior to just spend his free time instead looking at crap on the internet without being productive. Giving your child "lots of freedom" is not the same as giving your child the freedom to make choices for himself - you still have to exercise your duty as a parent whilst giving your son enough freedom to explore the concepts of taking personal responsibility for the choices he makes.
6. How do you fire a child up to become competitive then?
You need to pick something he cares about. You see, I remember the way I played football in secondary school. I couldn't be asked to chase for the ball when there were so many other players already on the field, I mostly held back, stood around and waited for the lesson to be over. I just wasn't interested in football at all - if you saw me then, you may have thought, "there's something seriously wrong with this boy, he has no fight in him, he's not competitive at all". But if you saw me at gymnastics training, then you'll witness a totally different athlete who went on to be three-time national champion. What's the difference? Gymnastics is my first love and I really don't give a shit about football.
Could it quite simply be that Junior feels the same way about basketball - maybe he simply is totally disinterested in it? You need to find something that Junior is totally passionate about and his passion will naturally fuel the competitive nature of his character. What I fear is that too many children in Singapore go through their entire childhood without ever discovering something they are totally passionate about and allowing that passion to play a big part in their lives - what kind of dull, vapid life would that be, without passion in your life?
7. Can you actually radically change a child's character?
Now there's no definite answer for this question - I think a lot of that depends on which child we're talking about. I however, believe in the Chinese saying: 江山易改，本性难移 ('the rivers and mountains may change, but it is far harder to change one's character'). So for all the courses which claim that they can perform wonders for a child's development, think carefully about what you're being sold here: sure I can see how some parents can believe that they can send their kid to a class for 2 hours a week and they can perform some kind of miracle to the child's character, but what are the chances of that happening? Like seriously, people, get real, please.
You need to realize when a salesman is over-promising the features of the product. Let me give you an example: allow me tell you a story from my travels in Africa. I met these two women in Morocco called Nadia and Grace - they're both British and didn't speak much French, so we moved around together and I helped them translate when bargaining in the shops. We went into the spice bazaar and this man tried to sell Nadia and Grace a 'slimming tea' - alarm bells rang in my head, it's like, hey this is just tea with bits of dried fruit and flower petals, the only way it will make you thin is if you drank this tea for lunch instead of having a hamburger, Coke and large fries from the fast food restaurant.
For that "miracle slimming tea" in some fancy packaging, the man wanted about 135 Dirhams = about £10 (S$20) and I was like, no way don't guy it ladies, it's madness. It's a rip off. But the ladies wanted to believe that you don't need to diet, you don't need to go do exercise, you can just drink this miracle slimming tea and get thin - the man sold them a story that they wanted to be true. I tried hard to persuade them not to buy the tea but they still bought it because they wanted it to be true so badly. So I can see how parents who wants the best their children will believe in these sales pitches promising all kinds of brilliant character development for their children - but like the miracle slimming tea, you have to look at the actual contents/ingredients of what you're buying into rather than just believe the fancy sales pitch.
Take something like acting for example - most schools will have some kind of drama club and put on plays. It takes a lot of courage to go on stage and perform in front of the whole school, so will joining the drama club help a nervous child build self-confidence? No, it does not. A nervous child will probably freak out if you put him/her on stage in front of the whole school like that and find the whole experience traumatic.The drama club will naturally attract those who relish the thrill of getting on stage in front of the whole school and such pressure would bring out the best in them when they rise to the occasion - but only if they have the right character and personality to want to do something like that.
Where does that leave us then? What is the next step for Junior and Mr Toh?
8. What is the most important thing to do now?
There are two things: firstly, you need to engage Junior and speak to him at length. What does he want to do? What would make him most happy? What would he like to stop doing? It is time to let Junior have a say in the matter. Secondly, if Junior doesn't quite know what he would like to do, then his parents can help - I believe that's where the Belbin test can come into play and that is far more useful than the Myers-Briggs type indicator when it comes to matching Junior up with the right kind of sport that will suit his personality.
Lastly, let's not lose perspective here about the whole purpose of co-curricular activities in school for students - it is not something you have to do just to make your report card look good, it should be something that will bring tangible benefits to the child involved. If the child is not enjoying the activity or is clearly unhappy to take part (as in Junior's case), then it's time to pull the plug and try something news. However, at the end of the day, it is necessary to realize that the priority is to find the right activity that is most suitable for Junior - rather than to expect any kind of sport/activity/course to fundamentally change who he is. If in doubt, carry out a simple cost-benefit analysis: is it worth subjecting Junior to something like basketball practice if he is getting very little out of it? What is Junior putting in and what is he getting out of it? What can we do to improve that cost-benefit ratio for Junior?
So that's it from me on this issue. If you have any questions on the issue, please leave a comment below, thanks.
Now I don't want to blame the coach... but I am going to entertain the possibility that maybe Junior has a lousy coach who doesn't know how to deal with this situation. As the coach in charge of the basketball team, I am surprised that it took Mr Toh to spot Junior's behaviour - why didn't the coach spot it before and do something about it already? I am shocked. Like seriously, this coach/teacher-in-charge needs to wake up and do his job!
As a gymnastics coach, I can understand the pressures of having to teach a whole class of students - you just hope that you don't have a child who needs one-to-one attention. Now classes are fairly cheap to attend if the coach to student ratio is say 1:10 for instance, but demanding a 1:1 lesson becomes very expensive. Now the nightmare scenario for a sports coach is to have a class of 10 only to realize that one child is consuming 90+% of your attention and you're effectively neglecting the rest of the class who are getting less than 10% of your attention. I have found myself in that situation before and it is intensely frustrating for the coach.
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| A teacher is responsible for a whole class - not just your child. |
Why am I mentioning this? I just want to remind you that any kind of sports coach (or teacher for that matter) has a really tough job when it comes to dealing with a tricky situation like the one which has manifested in Junior's basketball game. Would trying to drill down and uncover the root causes of Junior's behaviour take so long that it would disrupt most of the practice for everyone? Would it really necessary to micromanage every aspect of every student's behaviour? Can a teacher allow a group of 15 year old teenagers to work things out amongst themselves?
My first instinct is to demand that Junior's coach resolves the situation - the buck stops with him, you want to teach sports, it is your responsibility to deal with issues like that whether you like it or not. It's not an easy job, it's probably not something I would be confident of resolving successfully but that's still the coach's job at the end of the day and to simply blame Junior's character as 'too passive' - now that's lame. I would have liked to have seen a far more constructive approach involving the Junior's parents to try to get him out of his shell and build his confidence within the context of the team if possible. And if the coach is not willing to make the effort - then it's time to move on to another coach as the coach then becomes part of the problem.
One of suggestions I made to Mr Toh was to get his son involved in a sport like tennis, badminton or table tennis where it would be far harder to hide during the lesson. When the ball or shuttlecock comes across the net, you have to run towards it and try to hit it, there's no hiding or avoiding it. One of the reasons why I hated football was because there were way too many players on the field at one time and I simply wasn't making enough contact with the ball - I grew bored and frustrated with football when forced to play it. In terms of a sport for a PE lesson, it was cheap: one football for 22 students - 11 on each time. Whereas if you wanted to do a tennis lesson, you would have to give each student a tennis racket and you could get only 4 students onto each tennis court at a time: that's an expensive sport! So I can see why they chose football over tennis for a PE lesson, but it still didn't satisfy me at all as a sport.
If this is the cause of Junior's frustration, then a sport like badminton or gymnastics would easily solve the problem - Junior would become enthusiastic about the sport and participate far more readily. But if it is not the solution to the problem, then even in a sport like gymnastics, the student can still 'hide' from the lesson if s/he just doesn't want to be there. You see, as a gymnastics coach, we are very careful about any kind of injuries that may occur during the class. With children doing handstands and turning upside down, accidents can potentially happen, it comes with the territory. To get out of a gymnastics lesson, all you have to do is claim that your head hurts and the standard protocol is to immediately remove the child from the lesson and get the child medical attention. Over the years, I've seen so many kids in gymnastics classes simply claim, "my head really hurts" or "I have a headache" or simply, "I'm not feeling very well, I need to rest please" if they want to get out of the class. They know it is their "get out of jail free" card - so putting a child in a sport like gymnastics is no guarantee that they will participate in the class.
Perhaps if Junior is just not one for sports - that's fine. Encourage Junior to find something that he is reasonably good at and will enjoy - it could be music, it could be something to do with arts and crafts, it could be something like chess, it could be learning a foreign language, it could be something to do with technology. it could be something like acting or dancing. It may involve his parents doing quite a bit of research and spending some money for Junior to experience different workshops and lessons, outside his school environment if necessary.
Remember whilst that Junior may not be especially talented in any of the activities he tries, you're waiting to find one that he enjoys so he may reap the positive benefits of participating in that activity. This may be a process that requires time, so please be prepared to be patient with him.
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| Might Junior enjoy chess instead? |
5. How to deal with the issue of his lack of self-confidence.
The fact that Junior rebelled against his basketball team by avoiding the ball is a sign that he lacks self-confidence to stand up to anyone: not his coach, not his team mates, not even his parents and when finally confronted about it, he blamed his father rather than talk about the reasons behind his behaviour. This suggests to me that Junior is a troubled child who really needs to work on his self-confidence to find the strength and resolve to deal with the situations in his life that he is not happy with: even if that means simply plucking up the courage to say to his father, "dad, this basketball thing is not working out, I quit." Note that he hasn't even done that and would rather avoid the ball during basketball practice instead of simply quitting basketball altogether. What does this say about Junior?
Let's take several steps back and look at the wider picture. How can we build Junior's confidence? I think the first thing to do is to remove him from the basketball environment which is clearly not bringing the best out of him. I'm afraid too many people think that there is a simple solution to this like, "I'll take him mountain climbing and if he can climb this very high mountain, then he will feel like he can conquer any challenge in life." It doesn't work like that I'm afraid, by all means take him mountain climbing (in fact that could be a brilliant father-son bonding experience) as that's probably going to be a fun experience but you need to work on this from many different angles.
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| Confident people do well at sports - sports doesn't build confidence. |
I have just realized that Junior is in fact 15 - that shocked me as I thought (from my initial exchange with Mr Toh) that his son was more like 8 or 9, maybe at most 10; but 15?! Good grief. By 15, I was making all my own choices about so many things in life (I was at loggerheads with my parents but that's another story for another day) and whilst it is good that Mr Toh wants to take such a keen interest in his son (he went to see his son's basketball training - I wish my parents actually made such an effort when I was 15), I feel that they need to back off and allow Junior to make up his own mind as to what activities he ought to pursue. Quite simply, his parents need to say, "go on son, you decide, it's your decision. You can decide for yourself. You're old enough, I trust you son."
It may seem like a small gesture but it is a vote of confidence from one's parents - our self confidence is built slowly over the years, each vote of confidence we receive is stored into a bank in our memory and the more votes we get, the more confident we become. Older, more confident people do not need that vote of confidence from others if they already believe in themselves - but with a fragile young man like Junior, he badly needs that vote of confidence from his parents in the first instance. If they deny him that and effectively say, "we don't trust you to make your own decisions, you're immature and childish that's why we will make those decisions on your behalf." If this is the message he is getting from his own parents, then how the hell is the poor kid supposed to ever build his self-confidence?
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| Junior needs every vote of confidence he can get at this stage. |
So you see, this is probably the most critical part of the equation and the most difficult one to solve because we're looking at a situation that has built up over many years - the good news is that Junior's parents are probably the best people in the world to exert the most influence and help the most with this aspect of his development. It is necessary for them as parents to learn to let go and stand back. This can be hard if it may mean that they allow Junior to make his own mistakes, but that's an important part of growing up: taking responsibility for the consequences of your actions and mistakes. All parents have to learn to let go at some stage - is Mr Toh ready to do this?
I know Mr Toh has talked about being a 'cool dad' but that does not mean allowing your son to just do as he wishes - it may mean for example, forcing Junior to solve his own problems. For example, what should Junior do after he leaves basketball? Dad should say something like, "it's clear basketball isn't working out for you, you need to pick another activity - what would you like to do instead? It's your choice, you need to pick something you like and will enjoy. I'll support your decision and I trust you to make up your own mind." It would mean forcing Junior to pick something - it does not mean allowing Junior to just spend his free time instead looking at crap on the internet without being productive. Giving your child "lots of freedom" is not the same as giving your child the freedom to make choices for himself - you still have to exercise your duty as a parent whilst giving your son enough freedom to explore the concepts of taking personal responsibility for the choices he makes.
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| How much freedom should parents give their children? |
6. How do you fire a child up to become competitive then?
You need to pick something he cares about. You see, I remember the way I played football in secondary school. I couldn't be asked to chase for the ball when there were so many other players already on the field, I mostly held back, stood around and waited for the lesson to be over. I just wasn't interested in football at all - if you saw me then, you may have thought, "there's something seriously wrong with this boy, he has no fight in him, he's not competitive at all". But if you saw me at gymnastics training, then you'll witness a totally different athlete who went on to be three-time national champion. What's the difference? Gymnastics is my first love and I really don't give a shit about football.
Could it quite simply be that Junior feels the same way about basketball - maybe he simply is totally disinterested in it? You need to find something that Junior is totally passionate about and his passion will naturally fuel the competitive nature of his character. What I fear is that too many children in Singapore go through their entire childhood without ever discovering something they are totally passionate about and allowing that passion to play a big part in their lives - what kind of dull, vapid life would that be, without passion in your life?
 |
| I found my passion with gymnastics. |
7. Can you actually radically change a child's character?
Now there's no definite answer for this question - I think a lot of that depends on which child we're talking about. I however, believe in the Chinese saying: 江山易改，本性难移 ('the rivers and mountains may change, but it is far harder to change one's character'). So for all the courses which claim that they can perform wonders for a child's development, think carefully about what you're being sold here: sure I can see how some parents can believe that they can send their kid to a class for 2 hours a week and they can perform some kind of miracle to the child's character, but what are the chances of that happening? Like seriously, people, get real, please.
You need to realize when a salesman is over-promising the features of the product. Let me give you an example: allow me tell you a story from my travels in Africa. I met these two women in Morocco called Nadia and Grace - they're both British and didn't speak much French, so we moved around together and I helped them translate when bargaining in the shops. We went into the spice bazaar and this man tried to sell Nadia and Grace a 'slimming tea' - alarm bells rang in my head, it's like, hey this is just tea with bits of dried fruit and flower petals, the only way it will make you thin is if you drank this tea for lunch instead of having a hamburger, Coke and large fries from the fast food restaurant.
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| Miracle slimming tea anyone? |
For that "miracle slimming tea" in some fancy packaging, the man wanted about 135 Dirhams = about £10 (S$20) and I was like, no way don't guy it ladies, it's madness. It's a rip off. But the ladies wanted to believe that you don't need to diet, you don't need to go do exercise, you can just drink this miracle slimming tea and get thin - the man sold them a story that they wanted to be true. I tried hard to persuade them not to buy the tea but they still bought it because they wanted it to be true so badly. So I can see how parents who wants the best their children will believe in these sales pitches promising all kinds of brilliant character development for their children - but like the miracle slimming tea, you have to look at the actual contents/ingredients of what you're buying into rather than just believe the fancy sales pitch.
Take something like acting for example - most schools will have some kind of drama club and put on plays. It takes a lot of courage to go on stage and perform in front of the whole school, so will joining the drama club help a nervous child build self-confidence? No, it does not. A nervous child will probably freak out if you put him/her on stage in front of the whole school like that and find the whole experience traumatic.The drama club will naturally attract those who relish the thrill of getting on stage in front of the whole school and such pressure would bring out the best in them when they rise to the occasion - but only if they have the right character and personality to want to do something like that.
Where does that leave us then? What is the next step for Junior and Mr Toh?
8. What is the most important thing to do now?
There are two things: firstly, you need to engage Junior and speak to him at length. What does he want to do? What would make him most happy? What would he like to stop doing? It is time to let Junior have a say in the matter. Secondly, if Junior doesn't quite know what he would like to do, then his parents can help - I believe that's where the Belbin test can come into play and that is far more useful than the Myers-Briggs type indicator when it comes to matching Junior up with the right kind of sport that will suit his personality.
Lastly, let's not lose perspective here about the whole purpose of co-curricular activities in school for students - it is not something you have to do just to make your report card look good, it should be something that will bring tangible benefits to the child involved. If the child is not enjoying the activity or is clearly unhappy to take part (as in Junior's case), then it's time to pull the plug and try something news. However, at the end of the day, it is necessary to realize that the priority is to find the right activity that is most suitable for Junior - rather than to expect any kind of sport/activity/course to fundamentally change who he is. If in doubt, carry out a simple cost-benefit analysis: is it worth subjecting Junior to something like basketball practice if he is getting very little out of it? What is Junior putting in and what is he getting out of it? What can we do to improve that cost-benefit ratio for Junior?
So that's it from me on this issue. If you have any questions on the issue, please leave a comment below, thanks.
The moment I saw the sentence "I decided to switch him to basketball" I already see the core of the problem.
ReplyDeleteMr Chin is obviously a tiger father and despite the proverb "虎父无犬子", a strong father would never produce a strong son. The truth is the more he tries to control his son and try to get him to take what Mr Chin feels to be the "correct" route the more the son will take a passive aggressive stance to resist any attempts to control him. Of course the son has no confidence, even his father don't trust his choices and tries to decide what he should do for a CCA. If the idea is only to make him learn how to work with others why is it so important that the son MUST be in the inter school teams? Wouldn't the son learn that as well if he played only with his friends after school or recess?
The boy's in the throes of puberty for god's sake and he's being made to play a sport that his father chose for him, how in the world do you expect things to turn out? It's not because he has a passive character, it's because he had no choice in the matter and is going passive aggressive to show his resentment. If Mr Chin wants to help his son, he should instead help his son to explore what he likes doing, not try to decide for him. It's a devastating blow to a child's confidence when his own parent does not trust him enough to allow him to make his own decision. If you want a man for a son, you better start trusting him to be a man.
Help the child find what he likes to do. Once he finds that he will not lack for responsibility and drive.
That's my two pence.
I couldn't agree more. Over to you Mr Toh.
DeleteLIFT, Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And "junior" thanks you too. In hindsight I should never have taken him out of his first CCA: he does love it, & he has good friends there. It was just a great blow to me when he didnt make the B-div team after being in the C-div team. This all happened at the beginning of the year; I hope its not too late to reverse things. Will let you know how it goes.
ReplyDeleteYour ideas are frankly quite radical. While you are an exceptional & brilliant thinker (who can argue with that -I mean, able to come up with these points in one sitting & refine them within 2 days), your claim that new activities won't change a person's character is somewhat erroneous or needs more qualification, since I have seen Junior's good friend blossom from a shy little boy to quite the "ham" after joining ELDDS.
OK I am taking you on with the point about new activities won't change a person's character - I say it is more a matter of placing someone in the right environment. Remember how I said I didn't like football (never did, never will, don't make me play it) - but if you were to force me to play football (say as part of a PE lesson), you'll see me standing around, not going for the ball - and you'll think that I am a shy little boy who is not competitive enough and way too passive. (This was covered in section 3 above.) But when you place me in the gymnastics club, you'll see a totally different person - I am active, passionate, enthusiastic and super hardworking.
DeleteWhy the difference? Because I love gymnastics. I hate football. So did gymnastics make me blossom? No, I was merely put in the right environment for what was already in me to come out. Let me lead on with a gardening analogy.
I don't know if you've watched all my vlog pieces but I do love my plants: http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/lift-vlog-episode-12-indoor-gardening.html And the indoor plants that I like to grow are all tropical plants (that can be found in Singapore) - but wait, I live in London where it is currently 7 degrees outside, If I tried to grow any of these tropical plants outdoors (or even in an unheated environment), they will die instantly (too freaking cold) - but within my living room which is well heated, they thrive as they get plenty of heat, sunlight and water. Whereas the are other plants which simply find my living room way too hot and will die the moment I bring them indoors - daffodils for example, they die so quickly the moment you bring them indoors as they want it COLD.
So Junior's good friend has found an environment where he can blossom; i think children are all like young plants looking to grow, trying to develop and as adults (parents and educators alike), we're trying to figure out what environment helps them reach their full potential. The fact is, not everyone will rise to the occasion and develop the way Junior's good friend did in ELDDS - it needs to be already in their character to want to do so (ref: point 7 'miracle slimming tea).
Think about it like gardening... you have the choice to move a plant around different environments: more drafty, close to the heater, more shade, full sunlight - then you can choose whether to make it develop its roots by watering it less often or if it is a thirsty plant that needs water every day. All you can do as the gardener, is to figure out precisely how to make your plant become the most healthy, happy plant in the garden - you cannot, however, turn a mango tree into an apple tree with your gardening techniques. All children and different and unique and you must acknowledge that and accept that. Yeah?
To carry on with the gardening analogy: a mango tree will have completely different set of requirements to produce a bumper harvest of mango fruits - compared to say an apple tree. Apple trees can easily tolerate snow and frost and it stimulates flowering and growth in spring after the frost - but expose a mango tree to low temperatures close to zero and watch it die so quickly.Mango trees are tropical and can't stand the cold. Different weather patterns will have different effects on the plant because they have different needs.
DeleteThus putting a child on stage for a school play would be great fun for one child who totally relishes that kind of behaviour and a really horrible experience for another child who simply does NOT want to do that kind of thing, but may be a lot better off doing something like costume design for the play, so that s/he can sit back and admire the beautiful costumes worn by the actors on stage. The fact is, we are all different at the end of the day, we have different characters/personalities and whilst you can teach a person a new skill (like how to play the guitar, drive a car, speak a foreign language, use a computer software, how to play golf etc) - the way they approach this new challenge will be determined by their character/personality and these new skills cannot and will not fundamentally change the character or personality of the person undertaking the task.
So Junior's good friend blossoming in ELDDS is simply no more than the gardener finally deciding exactly where the best position for that plant is in the garden (how much shade vs sunlight, drafty windy or sheltered, how much exposure to the elements like rain vs protection, etc). No one has changed the fundamental nature of the plant - you've simply moved it to the right environment for it to grow very well.
Some kids are not born for sports. Some are not born for team sports in particular. When my son was younger, he couldn't get along with other players at soccer because the team allowed all players to have equal play time. Some of the kids could not even run properly at 6 or 7 years of age, much less win a soccer game. My son who could not handle losses, found those kids annoying. I have to admit I did too. Anyway, we had him focused on tennis which he had more control over. Win or lose, he only had himself to blame. Now that he is older and more able to handle failures, he is able to play in the school teams (basketball at present). Throughout all his experiences, we did not let up on swimming as that is a life skill. If a child is not a great sports person, other interests are just as worthy. Music, cooking (why not?), writing, debating, languages, photography, the list is endless.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for kids who are not born for sports - I think there is a certain element of natural ability/talent involved to become any good at sports, just look at some of the people at the Winter Olympics and see how their bodies are built, most normal people can't do what they do because we don't have the same kind of body of an Olympic athlete.
DeleteYet we all still need to do some kind of exercise as part of a balanced lifestyle so we don't all become obese and overweight. The beauty about sports is that you can always find something that suits you... maybe if you hate soccer, yoga might be more your thing? If your son hates basketball, how about swimming instead? There are always choices and I don't believe anyone can say that they hate ALL sports. Sure you can hate a certain sport (I hate soccer) - but you can find another one that you do like.
Limpeh, I am not sure your response above was for me. My son does love sports. Many sports. He just hated losing when he was younger. Now he is ok in team sports because he understands team spirit. He lives for many sports now. And yes, for people who hate sports per se, there is always something to do. I love tennis and yoga. Swimming for kids, though, is a must. At least be able to swim decently.
DeleteI was writing more generally - but on the point of hating to lose, perhaps it's a good thing? It is what drives kids, I know I was like that as well, which was the reason why I gravitated towards sports I was good at and avoided those I sucked at. Having said that though, I feel so bad for my nephew as he sucks at sports and when I play with him, I feel sorry for him and as we say in Hokkien "wa hor yi eyah loh" (I let him win) so that he gets the chance to finally win at something and I'm not sure how obvious it is that I am letting him win whenever we play, but it keeps him happy and I don't really care as long as he's happy, but I feel bad for him nonetheless and as always I wonder if I am doing the right thing.
DeleteI believe that learning to fail is a good lesson. I was worried because my son hated to fail. He still does, but we tell him that in team sports, it's part of the package. In tennis, though, we tell him that we want to see him display his "killer instincts" and to take no prisoners. If he did that and still lost then at least he lost with dignity, and we do not give him a hard time. It's only when he was cocky and over-confident or "pun-chan" the opponent that we have a problem with. It's be "all that you can be". In school, I see kids who can't handle failures, and their parents molly-cuddle them. I often wonder how they would handle the ups and many downs at work in the future. Cry?
DeleteI think that I gave myself very little room to fail and put so much pressure on myself to do well in everything and nearly had a nervous breakdown throughout my A levels and NS days because I was just so high strung. I think parents need to teach their children to deal with failure in a loving manner. So for example, your son fails an important exam - typical Asian parent would go, "why you so stupid and lazy, I must beat you senseless to teach you a lesson." A modern more enlightened less Asian parent would sit down with the boy and assure him that the boy needs to believe in himself, needs to want to do better for himself, that he is loved and cherished by his parents and then once we get the mushy stuff out of the way, then we can start trouble shooting and analyzing what went wrong and fix the problems. I have no doubt you're already an excellent parent Di - I just know it.
DeleteThanks, Alex. It's trial and error. I only have one child, and I only have one chance to get it right. Still fumbling and stumbling. I have a great model --- my mother --- to NOT emulate after! An innkeeper once told me when I was pregnant, that the days will be long, but the years are short. So true.
DeleteThese days, CCAs are really there to look good on your report card, especially in secondary schools. Some students simply choose to join a uniform group or performing arts CCA as these are the 'high value' CCAs that are easy to get an A1 grade, as well as leaving a better impression when trying to enter a school by DSA
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comment Ron. I am in 2 minds about this - firstly I think it's great that CCAs are taken more seriously, but I am concerned that students are now forced to do something that's considered 'high value' or easier to get an A1 grade for; rather something that they truly enjoy. What say you on that?
DeleteCCAs were originally implemented to let children do the things they love doing after school to take a break from studies, and I remember teachers encouraging us not to take on time consuming CCAs and such so that we can focus on our studies, but now students are encouraged to take high value CCAs because MOE has come up with this idea to use CCAs to test an individual's personality and merits etc, so it's like the original goal of CCAs are gone, and has been turned into an academic achievement. I think it's sad though, I joined my school's Infocomm club because I had an interest in IT, but we just get perceived by other people as slackers. I get the last laugh though, because I enjoy going to my CCA while the others are complaining about having to go to their CCAs, because they don't seem to enjoy it.
DeleteSo are children are now effectively forced into 'high value CCAs' to score well in this aspect and are doing stuff they have little interest in; and it becomes just another subject like maths that they have to do at school? Geez. That's screwed up. I say, let the kids have fun.
DeleteThat is just absurd. To place value on activities is one more stressor children do not need. We are at our best when we shine at the things we love. If my son were to love baking, trust that I will have him in baking classes. Who knows what he could do with that interest? A bakery in Provence? Or perhaps he may do nothing with it other than the fact that he loves it. Isn't that what CCAs are supposed to do? Give children an outlet to shine and be creative or just to chill? Jeez! My sister told me to join NCC because it was useful. For what? Jungle survival? I hated it. I quit in sec. 3. There went my CCA points. Had I been allowed to join what I wanted --- Girl Guides, I would have stayed on and earned my CCA points. I forgave my sister because she later helped support my overseas education. She meant well. Point is, MOE has to realise the impact and damage on kids when they implement policies that create robots rather than human beings.
DeleteI think that what MOE was trying to do with this move is to get CCAs recognised by parents as a useful activity, because otherwise parents will simply think that only studies are important, but then in the end only the high value CCAs are put on a pedestal, because of their ability to rack up enormous amounts of CCA points. Maybe MOE has to try to balance the system a bit, so that people like Di Talasi and some of my friends can actually pursue the things they love.
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