Why are more Singaporean women marrying foreign men?

OK a recent post of mine went viral when I responded to Gilbert Goh's attack on Singaporean women who choose to date and marry foreign men - clearly, there's a lot of interest in the issue and I wanted to do the topic justice without making it all about me disagreeing with Gilbert. (I swear I have nothing against Gilbert even if I don't always agree with him.)  Here's a very systematic breakdown on the reasons why this is happening. In order to understand why this is happening, we have to cast our minds back a generation, back to the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s and look at where we were as a society in order to understand why this change is happening today.

How do you feel on the issue of marriage? 

Sexism and "重男轻女"

A generation ago, Singaporean women suffered from sexism in a way that would shock you - Singaporean society was a lot more sexist then and "重男轻女" (literally, preferring sons over daughters) was the norm then. If a family had limited resources (for education, for example), it would always be disproportionately spent on the son(s) rather than the daughter(s) - this was based on the belief that women will simply get married and become mothers whilst it was the responsibility of the man to eventually become the chief breadwinner of the family.

It didn't help that this sexism is often perpetuated by women themselves - with mothers and grandmothers favouring their own sons and grandsons over their daughters and granddaughters. This attitude limited the access female Singaporeans had to education in those days and in turn, it limited their ambitions and opportunities to climb career ladders. Women were expected to be good wives and mothers, not CEOs and politicians.

Singaporean women now have equal access to educational opportunities

Smaller families, less children

Another big difference is that many families back in the 1960s and 1970s had many more children - whilst the fertility rate is at an all time low today, back in the 1960s and 1970s, many Singaporean families had three or more children. In 1965, the fertility rate was 4.7 children per woman. By 1975, that had fallen to 2.08; fast forward to 2010 and it has dropped to just 1.15. When you have many children, you can afford to play favourites and treat one child better than the other(s) - but if you have only one daughter, then you're far more likely to cherish that only child and dispel any notions of "重男轻女". Of course, social attitudes towards sexism were already evolving as well, but smaller families definitely sped up this process.

Better education for all

Back in the 1970s and 1980s, Singaporeans simply didn't take education that seriously then - it was common for young adults to leave education after having completed their 'O' levels and start working. Nowadays, young Singaporeans feel that they simply must have a degree in order to even start looking for a job. Far more Singaporean students will become graduates compared to their parents' generation. Sure we have talked a lot about how poor Singaporean kids these days are bludgeoned through a ruthless, unforgiving education system, subjected to hours and hours of endless tuition classes - but there is one obvious fact that we're all forgetting here: this current generation of Singaporean students are going to be far more educated than their parents and are enjoying a much higher standard of education.

The education system in Singapore has improved a lot over the years.

Singaporean schools are better equipped than ever before, students are doing experiments and assignments on their smart phones and tablet devices - I think about the days when I was a student and had to go to the library and borrow books. We then have to read the book and photocopy the relevant pages - good grief. This generation of students will have no idea what that is like - they don't need to go to a library, if they want to learn about a topic, for example, the city of Maastrict in the Netherlands or the beautiful country of Oman, they just need to google 'Maastrict or 'Oman''. They have more information than they can digest and can access it much faster than their parents with the help of modern technology. And the good news is that both male and female young Singaporeans are benefiting from this dramatic increase in the quality of education in Singapore.

Put the two together and what do you get? 

Okay, so if you get rid of the sexism that has been holding Singaporean women back in the education system and you increase the quality of the education = young female Singaporeans today are far more educated than their mothers. Is this a good thing? Of course it is! Now let me state the obvious. Singaporean women who were educated back in the 1970s and 1980s had their aspirations and opportunities suppressed because of "重男轻女" sexism that was so prevalent at that time - but as our society evolved and birth rates dropped, Singaporean women educated in the 1990s and 2000s had practically the same quality of education and opportunities that Singaporean men enjoy, thus leveling the playing field between Singaporean men and women. This was a gradual change that took place over a period of four decades and I want to stress that this is a good thing - so yes, credit where credit is due: well done to the Singaporean government for having achieved this.

Singapore: gender equality has come a long way since the 1970s!

But wait... one thing still hasn't changed though.

That's right - men still won't "marry up" and women still won't "marry down", ie. a man would still expect to marry a woman who is equally or less educated than he is (and command an equal or lower income), whilst women still expect to marry a man who is equally or more educated than she is (and command an equal or higher income). So sexism has been mostly eradicated when it comes to education, but such old fashion notions of "marrying up/down" still have not changed at all - so where does that leave us? Why does society expect a husband to always earn more than his wife?

Let's assume that gender has no bearing on one's ability to excel academically and hence that the average male Singaporean is just as capable as the average female Singaporean when it comes to academic performance. Back in the 1970s and 1980s, this worked out fine in the marriage department because the prevalence of "重男轻女" sexism meant that your average Singaporean woman was less educated than your Singaporean man - thus there were enough women for all Singaporean men to "marry down" with. I refer you to my rather crude diagram below - the art work isn't great (sorry!), but gosh, this feels like a school project and I must draw diagrams!

Now look at what happened when we closed the gap between the genders in the 1990s and 2000s - Singaporean men still wanted to "marry down" - what does that leave us? The Singaporean women at the very top of their game have no one to "marry up" to since most Singaporean men would look at them and be intimidated by their intellect and earning power. The Singaporean men at on the very bottom of the pecking order have no one to "marry down" to since they are poorer and less education than practically all the local women

So it is all about money? 

Some Singaporeans have bemoaned the plight of those Singaporean men who are at the bottom end of the pecking order (in the area shaded in blue in the second diagram) - these are the men who often criticize Singaporean women for being materialistic and demanding.They claim that Singaporean women expect to be shadowed with expensive gifts, driven around in nice cars, taken to expensive restaurants, go on exotic holidays and if you're unable to finance all that, you can forget the dating scene in Singapore. I hardly think that is a fair evaluation of the situation here.

Rather, they are simply conforming to this expectation that men will marry down and women will marry up, fulfilling the stereotype that a husband must earn more than his wife. So this ritual of wooing, expecting the boyfriend to foot the bill is simply a litmus test of the boyfriend's financial situation - after all, what is the alternative? Ask him point blank, "how much do you earn a month? What is your total net worth? Do you earn more or less than me? Are you richer or poorer than me?" That is clearly what the girlfriend wants to know but cannot bring herself to ask - so they go through the whole exercise of going on dates. Frankly, it would be far more straight forward if people were really that brutally honest with each other - it'll save them a lot of time, but that's just not the way the dating scene works.

How much do you know about the person you're dating?

Angmohs, Angmohs, Angmohs, hello Mr Angmoh!

I live in the UK and know of plenty of white guys who are struggling to make ends meet - however, those who are doing crappy jobs and barely making the minimum wage are not those who are able to waltz into a nice job in banking in Singapore that comes with a generous expatriate package. Your average white expatriate in Singapore earns a lot more than your average white British citizen in the UK - thus when a highly educated Singaporean woman needs to find someone even richer and more successful than she is, the expatriate community is the most obvious place to start looking. And if she can find a handsome rich white guy who meets her standards, why not?

Jiat-kentang or "eat potato"

I am part of the first generation of Singaporeans who well and truly embraced English as a first language - sure, some older Singaporeans have been educated in the same system as I have, but we're talking about well and truly embracing Western culture instead of your own culture when you were growing up. Take music for example, back in 1988, when I was in primary six, I was singing along to Madonna, the Pet Shop Boys, Whitney Houston, Bananarama, Rick Astley, Belinda Carlisle and Kylie Minogue. Incidentally, these are the favourites at Zouk's Mambo Jambo night.  Did I even listen to any music in Chinese? No, I never did. Even when my dad listened to Mandarin radio stations which played Mandarin pop songs in the 1980s, I heard the music but I didn't listen - I paid no attention to the lyrics or the melody and it may as well have been the sound of the wind whistling through the trees.

Being this familiar with Western culture, it made me a lot more open, receptive and confident when it came to dealing with white people. I've told this story before and I'll tell it again: back in 1989 or 1990, my dad and I were walking through a car park when we encountered an American guy who was lost. He asked us, "Excuse me, do you know where the tennis courts are?" My dad went into panic mode and just shook his head, trying to pull me away from the American. The thing is, we both knew exactly where the tennis courts were - but my dad had no confidence when it came to speaking English, especially with a white person. He was afraid that he would not be understood because of his strong accent, he was afraid that the white person might laugh at his English and he was worried he may not understand the white guy. Thus he literally tried to run away from that American who just needed directions.

I refused to let my dad pull me away as I knew my dad was being ridiculous. I told the American guy where the tennis courts were and where the booking office was. My dad was amazed that I could deal with a white guy so confidently and I was like, "duh, he's an Angmoh, what's the big deal? He's speaking English, it's not like he was speaking Dutch or Greek." But then again, I had watched so much American TV and had no problem with American English. My dad on the other hand, had limited exposure to Singlish and virtually no experience with American English - hence he went into panic mode when we met the American. His reaction was pretty typical of older Singaporeans I'm afraid.

Can you confidently converse with people from all over the world?

There is a whole generation of Singaporeans today who speak English as a first language and thus have the confidence and language skills to deal with Angmohs in a way that our parents' generation simply couldn't. My father couldn't even give directions to the American to help him find the tennis courts, hence making friends or even going on a date with an American was going to be virtually impossible. However, young adults in Singapore don't have the same problem and are far more confident when it comes to socializing with people from other nationalities.

The Gangnam Style and Facebook Generation

A lot of this boils down to modern media and the internet. I learnt a lot of English from watching television as a child and kids today are accessing media from all over the world through the internet. This is epitomized by the way Gangnam Style became the biggest dance craze, fueled by Psy's iconic music video which was the first music video on Youtube to get over a billion views. It was a hit from South Korea to Brazil to France to Indonesia to New Zealand to South Africa - people didn't say, "oh he's singing in a language I don't understand I don't speak Korean, I am not interested." People have become far more open minded about embracing and celebrating foreign cultures.

We are the Facebook generation, we are defined by the things we like, the magazines we read, the movies we have watched, the music that we enjoy, the causes we support, the friends we have. There has never been a greater freedom to define your cultural identity on Facebook by making all of those choices for yourself - this was something my generation never had. Let me give you an example from 1989, way before the age of the internet.

I took a keen interest in the UK charts, but back in those days, the only way you could find out what was on the UK charts was by buying a magazine called "Number One" - this was a popular British magazine aimed at teenagers and very, very few copies made it into Singapore. You had to know exactly which newsagent to go to on which days if you wanted to buy one of those few magazines. Sometimes I was lucky some weeks, other times I wasn't - but I had to actually get on a bus and go to buy a magazine just to find out what was in the UK charts. Good grief, nowadays I can just access that information so easily on the internet but I can't even be bothered. Thus in this context, it doesn't take a major leap in imagination for a Singaporean woman to contemplate marrying a foreign man - whilst it would have been a far more taboo subject just a generation ago.

We are the Facebook generation.

Society is evolving, times have changed. 

So much has changed in Singapore since the 1980s but most importantly, the gender gap in terms of education has been closed and we have become one of the world's most high-tech societies. Just take a look at the number of people with smart phones and tablet devices the next time you're on the MRT. With these many changes happening, is it any wonder that some social attitudes have changed as well? It's simply a matter of cause and effect.

The situation in Japan and South Korea.

But aha, what has happened in other Asian countries then? Let's look at Japan and South Korea where the very same social changes have happened: women are better educated and their societies have become extremely high-tech as well. What they do not have however, are sizable white expatriate populations. Sure there are some white expats in Japan and South Korea, but the numbers are very small compared to the local population - unlike Singapore. Both countries have allowed their population growth to stagnate rather than try to make them grow via immigration.

Let's look at what has happened in Japan and South Korea (and indeed, in Singapore to a certain extent) in particular to these two groups: very highly educated women and very lowly educated men. Firstly, the very highly educated women in these countries mostly dedicated themselves to their careers instead of thinking about marriage and motherhood. This simply means the emergence of more  女强人 ("superwoman" - ie. women dedicated to their careers), since they are freed from the burden of motherhood. Should these women be blamed for the falling birth rates in Japan and South Korea? Hardly - the birth rates have fallen primarily because those women who are getting married are choosing to have only one instead of two (or more) children. Such 女强人 are really in the minority in Japan and South Korea and they should not be treated as the scapegoats for the situation.

As for the men, sure there are a small number of Japanese and South Korean men who do take on foreign brides from foreign countries, but what has emerged is a cohort of such men who simply give up on the concept of marriage altogether and remain single. This was captured in the recent BBC documentary "No Sex Please, We're Japanese." This programmes explores the rather bizarre Japanese trend where grown men give up on dating real women altogether and form romantic relationships with virtual girlfriends. Is this a modern compromise? Is this compromise ideal? Who am I to judge - but this as a side effect of Japan being an extremely high tech society which has undergone a huge social change in the last generation, just like Singapore.

What is the obvious solution then?

Well, the Singaporean government is big on modifying social behaviour and attitudes to solve a problem - think about the birth control campaigns from the 1970s "Boy or girl, two is enough" to the courtesy campaigns to the speak Mandarin campaigns - I even remember a campaign for healthier teeth and healthier gums to try to get Singaporeans to brush their teeth more and take better care of their teeth. Nothing wrong with that I may add, I've been to some parts of the world where the quality of dental care leaves much to be desired and the people have awfully bad teeth!

To the credit of the Singaporean government, some of these campaigns have been very successful - such as the speak Mandarin campaign (not that I agree with eradicating dialects from Singapore, but they did have an astonishing success rate with that campaign) and the courtesy campaign which was targeted very much at school children and it became a big part of our education growing up in Singapore. Social engineering in Singapore works in a way you wouldn't expect in any other country and surely this is the solution that is a soft option to a tricky problem: changing the long held beliefs that men must always marry down, that the husband must always earn more than his wife.

Can we change traditional attitudes on this issue?

For example, the government could give Jack Neo a grant to produce film or TV series where a very successful female lawyer falls in love with her local char kway teow hawker. She is highly stressed and works long hours - but she looks forward to a comforting bowl of char kway teow at his store at the hawker centre each night because char kway teow brings back happy memories of her childhood, when it was a special treat if she had been a good girl. The hawker notices that our pretty lawyer lady often dines alone late at night, so he starts making casual conversation with her as he is cooking for her. They discover they actually have far more in common than they thought, far more than their shared love for char kway teow. (Damn, writing this is making me very hungry already...)

But then she thinks, we're from two different worlds, how can this work out? My law office in Raffles Place is a world away from his hawker centre in Ang Mo Kio - can we overcome the barriers and make love blossom? The hawker is also filled with self-doubt, she earns so much more than me, will she accept me or look down on me? And of course, they have a happy ending as Jack Neo works his magic and as long as it is not too cliche, it is little things like that which could challenge social perceptions of the role of a husband. This should be a celebration of gender equality, rather than telling Singaporean men point blank, "it is okay to marry a woman who earns more than you, no one is going to laugh at you, really." Will it work? Maybe, who knows? But it's worth a try if you're really that unhappy with the situation and let's face it - the Singaporean government is pretty darn good at getting Singaporeans to do as they're told.

How easy is it to modify attitudes on this issue in Singapore?

So there you go, that's my take on the situation - in essence, this is just a side effect of the following factors:

1. A lot of the sexism from the bad old days has been eradicated.
2. The education system has improved a lot since our parents' generation.
3. The internet has revolutionized the way we define our cultural identity.
4. Young Singaporeans are a lot more confident when it comes to dealing with foreigners
5. Nothing has been done to challenge the traditional attitudes of "marrying down" - the notion that a husband must always earn more than his wife. 

Have I missed anything out? Please let me know, leave a comment below, thank you!