Here's the problem though: it's a completely different product, it has got nothing to do with finance and I am faced with a product that I know so little about. What I have done is asked a lot of questions about any task I do for this other product and I am nervous as hell dealing with a product I know little about - I would have felt better if my boss had hired a product specialist to deal with it, rather than just rope me in and he is taking me way out of my comfort zone. Today afternoon, I asked one question too many for his liking about his product and he just snapped at me. He said something unkind which was rather insulting - I wanted to reason with him, you did not hire me for my product knowledge for this business, I'm being dragged into this without you even asking me, "hey Alex, would you like to do some work for my other business despite the fact that you know nothing about this product?"
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| I did get very confused over this new product. |
I felt like explaining that I don't mind getting my hands dirty, I don't mind learning about new products, I don't mind being taken out of my comfort zone - but for crying out aloud, cut me some slack when it comes to a product that is totally foreign to me. Anyway, was my boss the kind of person to apologize for shit like that? No, he just went silent and the next email was unrelated to the exchange we had. I thought I could have gone all passive-aggressive on him, I thought I could have demanded, "that's it, I don't wanna deal with this product anymore, this was never in my contract in the first place" - but I decided to let it pass because it reminded me of something from way back in my army days.
Back in 1996, I was preparing some documents for an officer and brought him some forms he needed - he yelled at me for stapling the forms too close to the corner of the page. I took a look at it and I didn't think the staple was perilously close to the edge, it actually did look okay to me. But this being the army, I didn't want to argue - I just said, "sorry sir, let me take care of that." The officer then sneered at me and said that if I couldn't figure out how to use a stapler, how was I going to be able to survive in the big, bad world out there, that I would never find a decent job. I didn't answer that question, I just said, "I'll be right back with this forms for you."
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| What did you learn from your NS days? |
At that moment, I figured out a few things and I take full credit for figuring these things out for myself. Firstly, you should never ever take the bait when someone is trying to provoke you by insulting you. They want a reaction from you and perhaps the best way to respond is simply to deny them exactly what they want. The officer wanted me to be upset by his insult, but I merely gave him a poker face and didn't respond to his insult. After all, there are times when you can indeed reason with someone and there are times when you should simply back off from a confrontation. This was the latter. It is not about being a coward when you back away from a confrontation, it is simply choosing the wisest way to react.
And secondly, as I walked out of that office, I knew that I was a lot smarter than that officer gave me credit for and that for whatever reason, he decided that he wanted to convince me that I was stupid and useless. Was I going to let him convince me? No, I wasn't. I wasn't going to allow him to dictate what my self-worth. My self-confidence wasn't dependent on his approval. There are people whose opinion I do value, this officer was not one of them. I chose to ignore his outburst at me over the stapler and didn't allow it to upset me because I believed in myself.
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| The army can be a harsh environment for those who cannot adapt to it. |
Now all this seems like common sense, but you would be amazed how many people crave for the approval of those around them and hang their self-worth on pleasing those around them. Gosh, I think of the number of people who have allowed themselves to be miserable because they didn't get their parents or boss' approval or because they didn't get the right exam results. I remember this friend back in the army who got extremely upset because he didn't get into OCS (officer cadet school) because he wanted to prove that he was a man by becoming an officer. I told him, "there is more than one way to be a man, more than one way to prove yourself - so find another way, pick another challenge in your life, give yourself another chance to prove your manhood. Why are you so hung up on OCS? Don't let the SAF decide if you are a man, you tell the world who you are, on your own terms."
Like I said in my previous article, you'll be amazed at how much random crap life can throw at us on a daily basis and we have little control over what happens to us sometimes. Whilst we can't control what happens to us, we can certainly control how we react. What do you do the next time someone says something to you like, "you're stupid, you're useless, you're an idiot, you can't even figure out how to use a stapler." Do you allow them to upset you? Do you get angry? Or do you deny them the pleasure of a reaction? What do you do? Do you always do the right thing?
However, I have to give myself some credit here - I was put in a difficult situation and I figured out how I ought to cope with it. No one told me how, no one gave me any help, not even my parents - they didn't have any good advice for me. I relied on my own resources and found a solution. I shudder to think how many men went through NS and actually took all those insults they suffered to heart? Did they eventually learn to deal with the situation or did they leave NS broken and discouraged after all that bullying? Did they actually realize whose opinions they should value and who they should simply ignore? Or do they go through life clueless and confused, year after year?
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| How did you react to difficult situations in life when faced with unkind people? |
My regular readers will know me, I may choose the path of least resistance most of the time by backing away from a confrontation - but then again, what goes on in one's head even as one takes the path of least resistance is so important. We have to learn to believe in ourselves, we have to learn to take control of our self-confidence, we have to deny others the right to make us feel bad about ourselves. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent". I'm sure that is a quote you have heard before, but how many of you have actually understand it and have tried to apply this in your lives?
It is a small but important act of defiance that I do out of self-love each time I deny someone the right to make me feel bad about myself. I may make mistakes in life, but there is a difference between making a mistake because you were rushing through a task and because you are plain stupid. I know the difference and quite frankly, that's all that matters. It took an unkind (and uncalled for) remark from my boss today to make me realize just how much I had learnt from my time in the army to cope with things like that in life - I hope that in having shared this with you, I can impart this wisdom to you without you having gone through all the crap I have in life.
PS. Isn't it ironic? I am strangely grateful for my experiences in NS for it has made me a much tougher and stronger person, but please note that I am giving myself 100% of the credit and the SAF 0% of the credit.
This reminds me of something that happened at work this week. I was supporting a needy child with his work, and as he worked through his worksheet, I corrected his work with a blue pen. My check marks were not gigantic, but they were like an inch long. I also circled one of his words as he had made a mistake. Well, a day or two later, his classroom teacher showed me his work, and told me to NOT use a blue pen as she only used red pens to correct. Also, could I NOT make my check marks and circles SO BIG? I looked at her incredulously. I am just as qualified and certified an educator as she is. She was telling me to mind the size of my check marks and circles?! At that split second, I made the decision to say, "Hmmm ... I see ...." not because I was a push-over, but I want to have a pleasant Christmas. If I took it further, the incident will not be resolved right away. Such is the nature of unions; hence, it will be hanging over my head over Christmas. I looked at this person with pity. To have to live through life with such obsessive-compulsive needs is pitiful. Some battles are just not worth fighting. Life is too short. I have other more important things to worry about. For example, I need to get all my paper work done before the Christmas break, so that I can enjoy my Christmas with the people who deserve my time and energy. If it doesn't pay my bills or enrich my life, people and issues do not matter. Years ago, I would have fought with this person, but now, I know she's not worth my time.
ReplyDeleteHi Di. Thanks for your comment. I think it is necessary for us to talk about it as we're humans you know, we give in to our emotions and at some level, I think our instinct is to get upset: that's when we have to use rational logic to trump basic emotions. It happened again this morning - I was replying an email that my boss had sent and didn't cc: one of the other directors and he wrote a rather rude email in response to that and I'm like, was that necessary? In the time he took to write the rude email, he could've forwarded that email to that other director or simply write in as few words as possible, "do always cc: ________________ for this."
DeleteBut you know, it gets to that point when we just have to make a conscious decision and say, do you wanna let crap like that upset you and go through life so miserable... or do you want to focus your energies on people whom you do care about and love?
That's why I blog Di, I think our emotions can be somewhat like a jumbled mess of thoughts bouncing around in our heads, but when I lay it out in the format of my blog, I get to lay it out very systematically and make sense of it. Thanks for helping me through this process. :)
Yes. We all need an outlet. If not we will self-destruct. If it will do any good, talk to the people involved. In your case and mine, I doubt talking and using reason works. Hence, we make sense of it in ways that we can to get over these humps, so we can our energies on other worthwhile pursuits. Like blogging, watching my Anderson Cooper, or cooking a gourmet meal for my family. :)
DeleteWell Di, I am going to talk to one of my directors about it but I'm not going to mention the way they've been communicating with me. I have been working for these guys since 2009 and things have only gotten really bad in the last 4 weeks or so and I can tell you why. You see, I used to have a colleague who has recently "scaled back" her involved with the company - ie. "less work, less money" to focus on other things in her life (such as her children), so a lot of her responsibilities (including admin tasks) have simply landed on my shoulders and also, another colleague has plain resigned and got another job. So we're 1.5 people down at the moment and I am shouldering the burden of that deficit - I can do what I do just fine, but it is when I am covering for that 1.5 people deficit that I slip up and make mistakes and that's when they get upset. I know what they're gonna say "there is no money to employ another person in the meantime" - but I'm going to ask to redefine my role in the company (back to what it was originally) or indeed "scale back" like this other colleague of mine (less time, less work, less money = less stress, that's fine with me!!) so they pay me less and they can hire someone to do the more mundane admin tasks.
DeleteI'm not just going to sit here and be the mule suffering the consequences of us being down for the time being. I was grinning and bearing it because I knew they were trying to recruit someone new to replace that colleague who had resigned, but they had already rejected 2 candidates (it's hard to find someone perfect I realize) and I'm like, I'm not just going to suffer in silence because you want to take your time finding the right candidate.
Hi LIFT,That part about the officer saying the forms were stapled too close to the edge of the paper is so familiar! It shows how many crazy ways a guy can think up, just to find fault & victimize others. You deserve applause for not falling prey to him by playing along with his pissing contest!
ReplyDeleteHowever, it's puzzling that you were reminded of this when your boss got impatient and lost his temper. It is a different scenario; he wasn't belittling you. It sounds like a spontaneous reaction from someone who had too much on his mind, he apparently forgot about it after that, & he isn't into psychological "who is smarter" mind games.
Nevertheless, there is something you can add to your arsenal of life lessons learned: do not forget what these people have done, because the knowledge of the weaknesses they have exposed could come in useful one day. For example, the officer's behavior tells you that he is insecure & not straightforward. Your boss's short fuse tells you he can easily screw up on sustained tasks that need high focus. So if they ever go too far, you can cite these as evidence to ask for better terms of employment! All the best in your new marketing job with that other company run by the same boss :)
Hi there and thanks for your comment. Is my boss deliberately trying to play mind games with me? I don't think so, but he just has this attitude that he doesn't need to be polite with me just because he is paying me to work for him and thus he can make demands on me... Let me give you an example, It happened again this morning - I was replying an email that my boss had sent and didn't cc: one of the other directors and he wrote a rather rude email in response to that and I'm like, was that necessary? In the time he took to write the rude email, he could've forwarded that email to that other director or simply write in as few words as possible, "do always cc: ________________ for this."
DeleteI am quite honestly quite fed up with the way I am being dragged into helping out with his other business which has absolutely NOTHING to do with what I signed up to do originally - he is an entrepreneur who runs several businesses and one of them involves a very niche market product which is a passion of his (good for him for making a business out of a hobby) - but that's his hobby and his passion and something that i know absolutely NOTHING about. And I don't know, I suppose there will be loads of younger adults out there who would grab at the opportunity to get their hands on a job like mine doing sales & marketing stuff for dynamic young businesses. He's kinda just expecting me to pick it up because I've been around the world, worked in different industries, have adapted myself to new environments before - so he thinks I am versatile and expects me just to adapt and I'm like, woah that's a tall order and a steep learning curve.
And it's not a new marketing job per se, it's just more tasks to add to my 'to-do' list on top of everything else I already do for him. Aiyoh.