There was a part of me that just wanted to react - so I got on my blog and wrote something extremely anti-Christian. Then I read what I wrote and said to myself, stop it - how does publishing this anti-Christian rant change anything? There are loads of reasonable Christian people out there, how can I possibly justify an attack on their religion just because one Christian woman is an asshole? (I am after all an ex-Christian atheist, we're like ex-smokers.) At that thought, I deleted that post for it did come across as scarily hateful. I was lashing out in anger and certainly writing anything like that wouldn't have changed anything - it would have simply made me look like a really hateful person.
And then there was this other story: Kmart in America have launched a cheeky Christmas ad featuring Joe Boxers (the brand of Boxer shorts). It was designed to be memorable, funny and the kind of thing that you'll wanna share on social media - I saw it and thought it was fairly mild. It wasn't obscene or anything - after all, this kind of American boxer shorts are very, very modest. I swear I wear shorter shorts and show more thigh when I am in the gym. Personally, I think those boxer shorts are just hideous, but hey, so what? I am shocked when I look at some of the responses on social media - there have been some shockingly angry responses from Americans who don't like the ad and they have taken to social media to voice their anger - "keyboard warrior" style.
Here's the thing about "keyboard warriors" - people who go online and vent their anger, they use all manners of social media and attack individuals. I saw this a lot on the forums and I thought, do you guys actually feel good about participating in forums like that? What is the point? I can see the temptation to go on social media and vent your anger when you are upset over something. But twice this week, I held back from being abusive on social media because I knew that being abusive wouldn't change anything. We live in a world where a lot of bad people do a lot of evil deeds and there must be a better way to come to terms with it than becoming a "keyboard warrior".
So my dear readers, the next time you read about another story that gets you angry and worked up - take a deep breath and count to ten. Then put away the laptop, tablet device or mobile phone and go speak to someone, a human being. Make a conscious decision to spend time with some friends - whilst we cannot solve a lot of the terrible things that we read about in the news everyday, but we can at least do something constructive like be there for a friend who needs help. When was the last time you reached out to a friend and said, "hey, it's been too long, let's meet for a coffee?"
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| "Let's meet for a coffee" |
So here's the punchline: venting our anger on the internet may be our reflex action when we're angry - but it rarely makes us feel any better because it doesn't solve the problem at hand. Maybe there are things we just can't solve or change, so I choose to focus on things that I can do in real life - such as helping my friends, being with real people who appreciate me so I can fill my mind and heart with positive energy.
So much of the interaction that I've seen in social media is so vapid - whilst I am no technophobe (I am blogging and vlogging, aren't I?), let's remember to stay in the real world with people who we care about. How do you cope with those days when you just get angry over so many things? How do you regain your focus over what is most important? How do you deal with these feelings as we are human after all? Have you any lessons to share with the rest of us? Leave a comment below please and let's talk about it, thanks for reading.
I cannot say that I have a good temper, but here in Japan, people are seriously on a passive-aggressive streak, since they repress so many of their feelings. Being a foreigner here, I do not bother about them much at this stage, especially since I am leaving the country soon. But when I do get really angry, I start saying things in English and Korean which are really curt and might even sound mean to some to hear, but the good thing is, the Japanese mostly do not understand what I am saying anyway, so I get away with most of it hahaha.... That aside, I shop and buy things I love, for an occasional indulgence, whether food (a good meal somewhere), or just something I really like. I do not get angered by online things anymore at this stage, not even news of Singapore, since I have learnt to accept it for what it is, an immensely unfair place which cares little for justice or fairness and only runs to protect the status quo. Just like what you have said, online interactions can tend to be vapid too with people whom you barely know or do not know.
ReplyDeleteExactly Kev. Sometimes we just need to take a step back, get off the net and spend time with real people. The futility of 'keyboard warrior' type activities - it's just venting your anger and after you've vented your anger, nothing has changed and you're still just as frustrated. Take Di's story below (read her comment) - she has an issue with her mother in law, now she can pick up the phone and talk to her and work things out; she can deal with a real human being and get a satisfactory result.
DeleteThis week, my mil called at 5 am to wish my son happy birthday. My son is 11 years old. How could a grandmother think that an 11-year old child would want to talk at 5 am? We could not get back to sleep after that. Everyone got to work/school totally tired. She has been calling us at dawn for the last 20+ years. My husband has no courage to tell her off. I have decided that I will. It just dawned (no pun intended) that my husband will never have the inclination to tell his stupid mother that calling us at dawn is NOT OK. Granted the time difference between Singapore and Canada is about 15 hours, but she can easily call us during the day when it is night for us. If she calls us at noon, Singapore time, it will be 9 pm Canadian time, How difficult is that? She insists on calling us when it is her night time because it's convenient for her, but she does not care that at 5 am, we are all sleeping. Then the usual, "What time is it over there? What are you doing? What did you eat?" Well, the answers are always the same. It is dawn over here. We were sleeping until you called. I can't remember what I ate coz last I ate was last night, and right now I am too sleepy to recall! Of course she doesn't usually speak to me, but my husband indulges her stupidity each time she calls. She calls many times a year. Anyway, going back to the topic of this blog --- this is what makes me angry most of the time. Or rather, SHE makes me angry most of the time. If I could, I would slap her. However, that would make her the victim,. I have decided two days ago that I will just tell her frankly that she is being disrespectful when she calls us at dawn. I am mostly angry with myself for letting this go on for years and years. STUPID, STUPID ME!
ReplyDeleteHi Di. I sympathize with you, my parents still totally don't get time zones. Like they know that I'm in a different time zone but to work out what time it is for me in London - no way.
DeleteYou need to be firm with her - there's no other way. Come on, at her age, she must be retired, so it's not like evening time is the only time that is convenient for her to call. Sorry, you must stand up for yourself. Have a read of my latest post today - I finished the draft last night and I am just deciding what details to leave out and what details to include... It's all about speaking up and standing up for yourself.
Thanks, Alex. I needed to hear that I am not being unreasonable in not wanting to be awaken rudely by the phone at an ungodly hour. Yes, she could easily call at a different time. I just told my husband three hours ago that if he won't tell her, I will. He only shrugged and told me to do what I have to do. I know when I actually do it, he will be upset, but I have already given him the heads up. I will not put up with such stupidity and invasion of my personal time. I work and make as much money as my husband does, and I have do not have to walk on egg shells about my mil. She is selfish, inconsiderate, and passive-aggressive. Somehow your blog gave me an epiphany. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteHi Di. You just have to do what you have to do. Personally, I am very disappointed in your husband's reaction and you need to separate the two issues: firstly, you have your mother in law's inconsiderate and thoughtless behaviour. Secondly, you have to deal with your husband's unwillingness to help - is he so oblivious to the fact that you're clearly unhappy with the situation?
DeleteFrankly, I think the mother in law situation is far easier to deal with than the husband situation - I don't know you well enough to suggest a solution, but I would think that you need to make your feelings very clear to your husband and give him an ultimatum: he needs to respect your feelings and take some responsibility for a change.
He is in the position to do something about the situation - I can only suggest that a change of tactic is necessary. Try approaching it a different way: if you have been confrontational, try talking about it calmly. If you have been nice about it, it's time to put your foot down and say enough is enough and get tough with him.
What say you?
I say this: I have often made comments about not being able to go back to sleep after those 5 am calls, My husband has agreed that he couldn't get back to sleep either. My mistake was I never asked him to tell her not to call at 5 am. We have fought over her stupidity and her long-suffering whines about her dying syndrome. She has been "dying" since 1989. That is longer than some people's lifetime! She is only 18 years older than us, and I can vouch that I am more exhausted than she is coz I have to work and be a mom, wife, housekeeper, driver, .... We never knew what she has been dying of as she does not have an real illness. My guess is mental illness, but people do not die from mental illness. Anyway, you are right. I need to change my tactics. I have never spelled out my resentment about the 5 am calls. Not directly, anyway. My husband is a good person but dense when it comes to reading minds. So, now I have told him. He has mumbled that I will have to tell her myself. I WILL since he won't. You won't believe how many times he has not understood my point of view when it comes to his mother. He's very "bo-yong" when it comes to her. He's a responsible citizen and father, but when it comes to his wife, he neglects my feelings. Anyway, I have come to the realization this week that I cannot count on him to fight my battles. Otherwise, I will only set myself up for disappointment. Thanks for listening.
DeleteWell Di, allow me to make an observation about your husband. I may be wrong, but for what it's worth - here is what I see: he is somewhat autistic when it comes to reading your emotions. If you follow my blog, you know I do write quite a bit about autism and a major feature of autism is this inability to empathize with others and read their emotions. It is not something they do deliberately, they just can't help it if they are indeed autistic. There is a whole huge range in the autism spectrum and some people can display some characteristics of autism whilst appearing totally functional and normal - even highly intelligent in their everyday life. I think too many people have the stereotypical image of a disabled person unable of even the most basic tasks when it comes to any kind of mental disability and you're an intelligent woman Di - you can see how someone like your husband can have some signs of autism.
DeleteEither that, or he's a selfish bastard who doesn't care about your feelings. But I'd rather offer you the possibility that he is autistic and doesn't know how to read your emotions.
With people like that, you need to firstly point out to them that they are indeed being autistic - I am sure he doesn't deliberately set out to annoy, disappoint or irk you, but we end up in the same place with you being extremely frustrated. You need to spell things out for these people, ie. "Darling, I love you but you are frustrating the hell out of me when you say this. You are making me feel really ____________ because ____________________. I am very unhappy and I need you to do this (_________________________) because ______________________. Can you see how seriously I am taking this and I need you to look me in the eyes and realize just how important this is to me?" Trust me, it is an art form I have perfected over the years.
You need to take control of the situation - the alternative is to allow him to walk all over your feelings for the rest of your life and be miserable about it. The ball is actually in your court now Di. If he is autistic, then you can deal with it. You are a strong, intelligent and resourceful woman who is more than capable of dealing with something like that. But if my method doesn't work, then he's not autistic, he's selfish.
Over to you Di, what say you?
Alex: I love it! Yes, you are so right! He's emotionally autistic! I say, he's a selfish autistic. Therefore, his "boyong-ness" is caused by his condition. I also love your script. Thanks so much. I will use it soon. His birthday is coming up, and I bet you there will be those darn 5 am calls. BTW, you are also hilarious! Oh, and when my mil does not understand why she can't call at 5 am, I'll tell her she's autistic as well. LOL!
DeleteYes, that's it! That explains why he doesn't understand my frustrations. Thanks so much. I will also use the script. Perhaps my mil has the same syndrome as well. She doesn't know why it is not right to call people at 5 am. I will keep you posted.
DeleteAlex: sorry, I had to post twice above because I thought the first one did not go through. Sometimes the comment function does not work on this blog. I don't know why. At times, the comment section disappears completely. I think someone else mentioned that already.
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