Q&A: Jas Linda's dilemma

Whilst we have had plenty of discussions on the issue of moving away from Singapore, I received a long and heartfelt plea from a reader and I would first like to share her story with you, before I answer her question. Please meet my reader Jas Linda and here is the comment she left on my earlier article:

I am just curious how long did it took you to consider before giving up your sg citizenship? I am in a dilemma myself. I have been in the UK for a year already, really liking it, met a great boyfriend and i am considering emigration in future. But the downside would be convincing my parents. I have a 'good' relationship with my parents; but i would say that it is more of the political and mutual respect kind, as i am not that close to them and can never pour out my heart to them. The main problem is that they want me to return to sg after my graduation to help them out and they have been trying to see if i am gearing myself towards that direction. I have to put a smokescreen whenever chats like that occurs. I am actually very happy and liking the life in UK that I am seriously considering migration.

Is Linda's best solution marriage? 

When I am back in sg, i feel like there is a swirl of warm air surrounding me and no matter how much i bath, i feel horrible. I don't want to go out much because my skin will be flushed red and even if i turn the air conditioning on at home, i feel cold. I don't understand why i will feel so especially when the temperature is set at 20+ degrees celsius and far higher than the average in UK, and then I fell really sick. I really want to go back to UK soon.

My boyfriend wishes that we would settle in the UK in future, and I am really considering taking up UK citizenship in future. However I wish to obtain the right of abode visa and work a few years before giving up sg citizenship. I feel that it would be better if I obtain the UK citizenship through my own merits rather than through my future husband, although sometimes I wonder if there is really any difference between them. I really don't wish to strain the relationship with my parents, and I hope that they will understand me and my choice. The good thing is that I still have a few more years before i graduate, so it leaves me time to set my plans. I checked the UKBA website but the information given is not really precise, do you know any other place where I can get more information?

Linda has fallen in love with the UK.

Gosh Linda (can I call you Linda for short?) there's so much in your post. Let's start with your first question. I was forced to delay my giving up of my Singaporean passport for a strange reason - you see, I was booked to go on a work trip and my agent had booked the ticket in my Hanyupinyin name rather than the original spelling of my name. I don't think they do that in Singapore anymore, but on my birth certificate, my name is written the way my parents spelt it followed the Hanyupinyin version in brackets. So it looked like this: Sin Ga Pore (Xin Jia Po). I thought I had to give up my Singaporean passport the moment I got my British passport, but because I didn't want to cause a fuss over the plane ticket, I thought I'd just travel on my Singaporean passport. 

So at least for a couple of months, yeah I held both passports until I made that trip - that kinda gave me time to think about it  but in the end I still did it. I have such grave misgivings on my part about the PAP in Singapore, words can't express just how strongly I felt about not living in Singapore as a Singaporean as long as the PAP was in charge. So after that trip, I promptly made the arrangements to give up my Singaporean passport. I contacted the Singapore High Commission in London and received instructions on how to renounce my nationality. That was back in 2007. 

I was forced to delay giving up my Singaporean passport. 

But have no fear, it's so easy to live and work in Singapore as a British expatriate. Even I spent part of 2011 in Singapore as a British expatriate living the expatriate high life in Singapore (oh you should've seen the serviced apartment darling) and ironically, I was probably more welcomed by the Singaporean system as a highly skilled expatriate from the UK than a returning Singaporean. Don't hate the player, hate the game - such are the rules of Singapore: it is a very pro FT country. The UK, however, is quite different. 

Furthermore, you don't need your pink IC or Singapore passport to feel Singaporean, I believe it is something a lot more cerebral. I actually met a guy at my gym tonight who is from Singapore - a law student at King's. I spoke to him in Hokkien and he said, "Sorry I don't speak Hokkien." Then I tried Malay, again, he doesn't speak Malay. So I switched to Mandarin and he said, "You're gonna hate me for this, I was from ACJC and nobody speaks Mandarin there." And I was like, how the hell did you get through NS without speaking Hokkien, Malay and Mandarin? And he said, "Things are probably different now compared to when you did NS." 

I couldn't believe that guy got through NS without speaking Hokkien or Mandarin.

But there you go, that's my point. I'm very proud of the fact that I speak Hokkien and Mandarin fluently, I have a very respectable grasp of Malay, Teochew and Cantonese and I even speak a little Tamil. (I speak several languages, I am a linguist.) I have all the major languages of Singapore in my head with me, no matter where I go and that's what defines me as the guy from Ang Mo Kio - it is this cultural and linguistic knowledge that I have picked up in my 21 years in Singapore. Only someone who has lived in Singapore for 21 years can have that kind of knowledge, although the guy I met tonight clearly didn't pick up that same set of knowledge, but hey: by that token, surely that makes me far more Singaporean than he is - even if he still has Singaporean nationality and I am British citizen today. 

I still have my dear friends in Singapore, friends who do make an effort to keep in touch with me via Facebook and friends I will definitely see in Singapore whenever I am there. You see, what makes me the Ah Beng from Singapore isn't my passport, it is my knowledge, my languages, my connections, my friends and my ability to walk into a hawker centre in Ang Mo Kio and fit right in. An IC or passport doesn't define you - you are a unique individual and if you did grow up in Singapore, well that will always be a part of you. 

There will always be a part of Singapore in me no matter where I go. (Yes that's me in the photo)

Now, onto your parents. You know what it boils down to? How much they trust you. You're still young Linda, there is this transition period from when your parents stop treating you like a child and start trusting you as an adult. Let's be honest here: this is usually a painful, difficult transition period! What is most likely to happen is this: you have become a mature adult who is more than capable of deciding what is best for you (relationships, career, other major choices like emigration) but your parents still need to play catch up and realize that you are no longer that little child you were. It is up to you to convince and remind them that you're a responsible and wise adult today.

An added dimension to your situation is the fact that you are in the UK at the moment whilst they're in Singapore - you are not seeing each other often enough and they could default to a memory of a younger you rather than deal with the mature young adult you are today. What you have to do is to work on them, demonstrating your maturity and earning their trust in the process. Will it work? I don't know, but it is worth a try. Your parents are probably intervening because they do not trust you to make that important decision, the same way parents will never trust young children to make important decisions for themselves. (And yes, I know that's not fair.)

Do your parents see you as a child or as an adult?

Here's my guess (and I may be wrong, but for what it's worth...). I don't think that they are completely against the idea of you emigrating, but rather, it is not a move that they would've done themselves (clearly, they're still in Singapore). So they are trying to make that decision on your behalf, the same way a mother would tell her 8 year old daughter, "you are going to wear that red dress for Chinese New Year and that is the end of the discussion. I have decided and you will do as you're told. I am your mother and you will do as you're told. I don't care if you like that dress or not, I am not letting you decide what to wear!" They're making that decision on your behalf - what you need to do is to remind them that you're fully capable of making that decision for yourself and only you can make the right decision for yourself. This is a delicate process - you need to let them know that you still welcome and respect their opinion (and that you don't want to hurt their feelings), but at the same time, you are already an adult and they no longer have the need or right to overrule you like a young child who doesn't know what she is doing. 

Hopefully, it'll work all work out at the end of the day, but if it doesn't - then you have to make up your mind: do you want to make them happy or do you want to make yourself happy? I say, don't be stupid, put yourself first. I know many people will hate me for saying this - but you have only one life to live and you have got to do what you want to do. My parents were equally mortified when I got a job in London after my graduation but after a while, they realized that I was happy and earning good money; and more to the point, I was an adult who was prepared to make my own decisions by then. I don't think they were ever going to say to me, "You know, we were wrong when we doubted your decision to work in London and we're sorry to have ever doubted you." Nah, get real, no that's never gonna happen - instead, they just got used to the fact that I am living and working in London now and they've moved on with their lives. They do have other stuff that is of interest to them, their lives do not revolve around me.

Are you an adult and ready to take responsibility for your decisions?

And as for the work permit situation - I'm going to be blunt with you Linda: as a fresh graduate with little or no work experience, it is going to be very hard for you to try to get a job here because your employer will have to sponsor your work permit. There is the temptation for the employer to then think, "if I hire Linda, there's going to be all that paperwork and costs associated with a work permit but if I hire a local, that person can start tomorrow with no hassle."

I know you value your independence and that is admirable - but let's have a reality check here Linda. It's not what you want to do that determines your next course of action, it is the rules of the game, quite specifically, the immigration rules set out by the UKBA. As you may know, they have tightened a lot of their rules over the years and this current government have made their stance on immigration very clear: they are raising the bar of entry. There is some leeway with the training & work experience scheme (which I know some people have used in the past to stay on after graduation) and possibly the working holiday scheme but that's hardly ideal. I hate to rush you into any kind of decision when it comes to marriage - but the easiest way is for you to get engaged then apply to stay on as a fiancee. That would buy you some time as that would then allow you to get work and strengthen your position to stay on in the UK.

Your need the correct visa before you can hunt for a job. 

Basically, it'll be very hard for an employer to want to give you a job if you don't have the legal right to work in this country - and the easiest way for you to get this sorted is by getting engaged and then married. The alternative of course is to go to another country (Singapore or wherever you can find a job) after you graduate and then work there until you become experienced enough to qualify as highly skilled migrant. And even if you do find a way to stay on with a work permit, please read Olga's story here. 

I know the UKBA website isn't great, but I'm sorry, please do not shoot the messenger for the message. You're looking for a way to stay on in the UK after graduation and there's no easy way (apart from marriage). I was lucky as it was a lot easier back when I was a student all those years ago but the rules have been tightened since. There are certain occupations which will allow you to get jobs a lot more easily than others (nursing, teaching, doctors, anything medical related) but without knowing what you're studying Linda, I don't know if these are occupations relevant to your degree.

I also want to warn you that there are some unscrupulous 'visa' agencies which promise things they cannot deliver - what they are doing is marginally legal and over the years, some have been investigated and have been closed down by the authorities. They usually do a mix of two kinds of activities: the legal stuff is simply helping people apply for their visas which they are eligible for. So imagine if a student from India wants to study in the UK and they just want a professional to check that all the paperwork has been filled in properly and all the right supporting documents have been submitted for the student visa - then yeah sure, that's completely legal. Though I wonder why people don't just do such paperwork themselves instead of paying professionals to do it, but I digress.

The other quasi-illegal activity they do is that they will sit down with people whom they jolly well know have no hope in hell of getting a visa to stay on in the UK and they say, oh let's just talk about it, please submit the following to us and we'll explore your options. They make it sound like they may be able to find a solution, but they will charge you up front and then after many meetings you are left with a big bill for their 'consultation services' and they will claim they tried but failed - but you still have to pay for their services. They may even go as far as to apply for visas they jolly well know you have no hope in hell in qualifying for - and now that's fraud really. So if the UKBA website shows that you have very limited options, some dodgy visa agent isn't going to find you a loophole - they just wanna cheat you of your money so beware of any such visa agents promising to find you easy solutions for a complex problem.

Beware of these dodgy visa agencies.

Your situation is complicated - yes you wanna stay on in the UK but you also have a boyfriend whom you wish to settle down with (in the future, at some point I guess). Now have you considered the possibility of asking your boyfriend (and presumably future husband) to go and work for a few years in Singapore so the two of you can be together? Or there's the third country solution: say after you graduate the two of you go and work in somewhere like Dubai or Australia for a few years. Have you considered this option? Would you consider working somewhere else together?

Have you introduced your boyfriend to your parents? How do they feel about him? If you are really sure that this is the man for you, then you have got to let your parents know how you feel - remember, they may not dislike him, but they may not trust your judgement if they still think you're an immature child. This is to be handled carefully - if you are confident, it will show and confidence is very convincing. If you walk into the room nervously biting your nails, unsure of your parents' reaction - then forget it, you may as well not bother. But if you walk into the room declaring, "I love this man, he is the one for me, I have made my choice. This is my decision: I don't need your approval, I don't need your permission but your blessings would be nice." Sounds brutal but you've got to be that confident if you want to convince them that your mind is made up and this is your decision, not theirs.

Do your parnets know that you're in love?

At the end of the day, when you marry your man, it will be you who will be living with him for the rest of your life, not your mum, not your dad - so how you feel about him matters so much more than how they feel about it. I'm sure if you convince them that you've made the right choice, then they will give you their blessings and everything else will just fall into place. They will want you to be happy at the end of the day (I hope).

I shall leave it at that for now Linda - since I don't know anything else about what you're currently studying, I can't make any more suggestions about your work visa situation. I would also invite my readers to give Linda some helpful suggestions and encouragement, thanks everyone. Let's show Linda some support :)

PS. I can confirm that I will be travelling from the 15 July to the 14 August - I will be going to Oman (yes Oman in July, I am mad), Malaysia, Singapore and Indonesia, but whilst I am in this part of the world, goodness me - I am tempted by all these cheap regional airfares. Air Asia, Scoot, Tiger Airways, wow! I have a whole month in the Middle East and SE Asia and so far, I will be spending some time staying with an old friend in Petaling Jaya, Malaysia. Gosh, I am trying to track down other old friends and I don't know how much time I will spend in Singapore but I have been so busy I have yet to plan my trip properly. I've sorted out what I am doing in Oman and KL/PJ so far, but am tempted by Penang, Melaka, Bali, Borobudur and possibly Australia. It's a shame is rainy season (even typhoon season) in many parts of Asia in July-August so I have ruled out going to South Korea, Cambodia, Laos, HK, Myanmar and Taiwan. I have been doing my research by watching old episodes of the Amazing Race. If you have any suggestions for good places to explore in SE Asia, please let me know! Many thanks, terima kasih.

PPS. I am headed for a a record breaking month in June in terms of the number of views I have had on my blog - which is just as well as I won't be blogging that much from 15 July to 14 August when I will pretty much be travelling. I hope to be interviewing at least 2 celebrities though on this trip - one in KL and one in Singapore, no promises. I have confirmed the one in KL but the one in Singapore is still a maybe, but I am working on it.