Vivian is a recent graduate from a university in Melaka and is currently looking for a job whilst living with her parents in Johor Bahru. In a recent vlog, they have revealed that they took down their sex blog because of family pressure - mostly from Vivivan's parents who were very upset by what she did (Alvin's parents were a lot more cool about it). It is clear that they sound like typical small town Malaysian-Chinese folks who were very traditional in their ways and didn't quite understand how their daughter could end up to be in the headlines in both Singapore and Malaysia like that. In her own words (taken from the clip below, translated into English for those who don't speak Mandarin): "My parents are just the opposite - I feel that my parents are far more strict and traditional... I was scolded severely."
Let's look at the evolution of a parent-child relationship. When the child is say 3 years old, it depends entirely on the parents for everything. The parent has total control over the child - when the child sleeps, what the child gets to eat, even basic tasks like going to the toilet or having a bath/shower are undertaken with the parents' help. At that stage, it is very easy for the parent to get the child to comply with the parents' instructions. Let's fast forward to the age of 13 - at that age, the child is still dependent on the parents for virtually everything as a student, however, at that age, the child would have learnt to express his/her own thoughts, opinions and may learn to disagree with his/her parents. Why do you think is this the case?
This is because at the age of 13 - the child would be receiving an education, interacting with other students and teachers at school, watching television and reading widely. There will be a whole host of influences on the child's young mind - whilst the parents are but one source of information and influence. Let me give you a very simply example from when I was 13. Back then, I learnt all about recycling at school during a science lesson and I tried to engage my parents in a conversation about recycling. Remember, this was 1989 and it was not a word that was in common usage then - there were very few ways to recycle (apart from the traditional karung guni man). My parents thought then it was a waste of time and energy to try to recycle - which was in direct contrast to what I was just taught in school. As a 13 year old, I was then faced with a choice - do I believe my parents or do I believe my science teacher?
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| Vivian Lee - currently one of the most famous women in Malaysia |
There will be many more such instances faced by teenagers all over - when they encounter a piece of information that contradicts what their parents have taught them. In my case (ref: recycling), I chose to believe my science teacher and ignored my parents - after all, what's the point in going to the best secondary school in the country if you're merely going to ignore the science teacher and default to your parents' opinions instead? When you do something like that, it doesn't have to be a big confrontation. It was a simple decision I took in my head in terms of whom to believe, I didn't say anything disrespectful to upset my parents. I merely listened to their opinion, nodded and said nothing. They wouldn't have known what I had just done in my head - I had just dismissed them as older folk who didn't understand modern science. My parents think I am respectful and I get to avoid yet another argument - great, everyone's happy.
All throughout one's teenage years, one would constantly exercise judgement like that, choosing to believe another source over one's parents - it could be one's teachers, one's peers, a textbook or even just information gleamed through popular culture (pop music, movies, TV, magazines, newspapers, websites, social media etc). It is called establishing one's identity - it is by no means a confrontational exercise, one can easily establish one's identity without upsetting one's parents. By the same token, good parents should encourage their children to become independent and explore things that are of interest to them.
Let's fast forward another then years - Vivian Lee is 23 years old. As an adult, she would have had over ten years of establishing her own identity, her own morals and her own boundaries - she is no longer a 3 year old infant or even a 13 year old child. What saddens me in this episode was not her decision to do DIY porn, but rather her parents' shock. Such a reaction tells me that her parents do not understand their daughter at all, whereas in Alvin Tan's case, at least his parents' reactions suggests that they were far less shocked by his actions - that they knew he was capable of something like that.
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| Parents... do you really know what is going on in your child's head? |
I think it is very sad when Asian teenagers politely listen to their parents and say nothing in return - that's how they drift further and further apart until one day, they barely know each other despite living under the same roof. It's hard to say whose fault it is - probably both parties? Definitely, the parents have to shoulder some responsibility when communication breaks down like that. I remember how I always felt it was pointless trying to reason with my parents - let's leave out anything to do with morality or values okay? Even on scientific issues like global warming, pollution and recycling, it was impossible to try to present them with scientific information to try to correct their misunderstanding of the issues. They couldn't stand being told, "you're wrong, I'm right" - hence I never even bothered trying to engage them. So instead of trying to talk to them, I would just shrug my shoulders and think, "Whatever, doesn't matter."
I can just imagine someone like Vivian shrugging her shoulders thinking, "whatever, doesn't matter" over and over again over the years and each time she does that, she drifts a little bit further from her parents. I know, because I went through the same process. It's sad when that happens, but often it felt like the path of least resistance, to keep the peace and avoid a confrontation with one's parents. However, Vivian's parents probably doesn't realize just how many times she has done this "whatever, doesn't matter" shrug over the years - they are under the impression that she has agreed with them on many issues over the years (such as on sexuality, porn and relationships).
The fact is Vivian turned out to be the complete opposite of her parents - they are strict and conservative whilst she is sexually liberal. Heck, the same could be said about my parents and I - we couldn't be more different. This is why I can totally empathize with Vivian Lee. Given that even the most strict parents cannot guarantee that their children will turn out exactly like them, how can anyone make any assumptions about the future relationship between Vivian and her children (should she choose to become a mother sometime in the future)? Heck, I can just imagine maybe in 25 or 30 years, Vivian being the ultra-cool mum trying to be her daughter's best friend, encouraging her to go clubbing and wear make up whilst her daughter is this rather prudish geek who couldn't be more different from her mother. "Mum, I really don't want to go clubbing with you, I have to finish writing this essay and have so much reading to get through. Just go on your own okay?" Sounds like a skit that French & Saunders did all those years ago which led to the long running BBC comedy Absolutely Fabulous - enjoy!
So for those who are assuming anything about Vivian's future children, just stop it. Tolong lah. Don't be ridiculous. You're making assumptions about human beings who aren't even born yet - how ludicrous is that? How can you judge someone who doesn't even exist? Furthermore, all these people on their moral high horses passing judgement on Vivian Lee - well, they don't have an alternative model to parenting. They are prescribing more of the same: strict Asian parents with children who listen to their parents and don't talk back. Well it certainly didn't work in Vivian Lee's case, did it? Yes I feel sorry for both Vivian and her parents, but in hindsight, they have been drifting apart for many years already - what were you expecting? If they had been closer to their daughter, maybe they could've had that conversation when she said, "hey I've met this lovely guy Alvin, I'd like you to meet him..." Things could've turned out very differently if she felt she could've talked to them about it.
As for her future - who knows? I don't have a crystal ball and neither do you. There are some nasty Singaporeans who claim that Vivian Lee is tainted goods after this scandal and will never be able to find true love. Let me respond to that - in the quest for love, we tend to seek out individuals whom we can connect to on the same wavelength. So for example, if you are conservative and religious, in all likelihood, you will settle down with someone who is equally conservative and religious. But if you're sexually liberal and progressive, then you probably wouldn't even contemplate dating someone who is conservative and religious.
First of all, I don't think Alvivi's blog is in good taste. I didn't dig very deep to find the crumbs of what was in their blog, but from what I saw, it's pretty 'eh'. I definitely felt scandalized and wish I could 'unsee' it, but you know, everyone wants to watch a train wreck.
ReplyDeleteAlvin says that it is not his responsibility to protect children from the big bad world, and it is parents' fault if they don't control their children and they somehow ended up on his blog looking at him do naughty things to his girlfriend. Okay, that's true. Nonetheless, I do think it is selfish for him to say this. I think everyone in the world DOES have a responsibility to make the world a better place, or at least not make it worse. I know I try to be a good and gracious person whenever I can, not just to people I know, but to the world at large. It's our social responsibility. What does he achieve by putting these pictures up on the web? Gratification for himself, and perhaps a small portion of people who appreciate his stuff. Contrast this to the vast majority of people that will find it offensive, including young children. As you mentioned above, to a large extent, we CANNOT control what our children see or are exposed to, despite our best efforts.
Having said that, ironically, the vitriol from the people that ARE offended is only making the world a worse place, too. The negative sentiment from haters is just making Singaporeans seem petty. Two wrongs don't make a right. And for people who defend Alvin and Vivian, think carefully about why you are doing it. Are you doing it because you find the vitriol offensive and want to put small-minded people in their place, or because you really believe in freedom of expression?
While I believe in freedom of expression, we should also be thoughtful of how what we express will affect people. Doing it just because you can and because it pleases you does somewhat feel selfish to me. I am within my rights to run around the town saying nasty things to people, but even if it pleased me, I wouldn't do it... it just isn't right.
Secondly, I do disagree with you, LIFT, that he shouldn't be disciplined. He should be, because he accepted the scholarship. If I was a very rich person and I had a scholarship in my name, I would want that scholarship to be prestigious. I would not want someone who posted sex pictures publicly to have my scholarship and bear my name in some fashion. Again, while technically the scholarship is merit-based as you note, from a social perspective, can't we be a bit more thoughtful and sensitive? It's really not nice to tarnish the reputation of a scholarship. Someone was good enough to give you a scholarship, shouldn't you at least try to respect the wishes of the individual/ institution that gave it to you rather than take a 'i'll-do-whatever-pleases-me' attitude? Fine, you may feel that Alvin doesn't HAVE to be nice since it's not part of his admission or scholarship criteria, but gee, why the hell not just be nice? The world needs nice people, right?
Vivian's parents are traditional and are ashamed by what she did. Okay, so even if she felt she didn't do anything wrong, why not just give in to the people who do care and who raised her? She did feel bad enough for them that they took the blog down, which i felt was the right thing to do.
Lastly, you might say the content of their blog is not not-nice, or not offensive and shouldn't be. I disagree, but perhaps that's just me. I am not as sexually open as you. I don't want my young daughter being exposed to what they did. i don't want her to think sex is just sex, no big deal. I want it to be meaningful for her and not to have the entire world desensitize her to it. I know I'm fighting a losing battle, but as strongly as you feel that this public sex stuff is OK, I feel it isn't. We both disagree, and we both live on the same planet, so who gives? I don't know the answer to that.
Hi Peanut, thanks for the post - allow me to respond to the many different points you have raised.
Delete1. I have to state the obvious, you had to google the contents of their blog in order to track it down - thus you have no right to complain after seeing the content. You knew exactly what the content of the Alvivi blog was - they never said it was beautiful sunsets, waterfalls and wild flowers. You knew about the XXX content - yet you chose to look at it. I say, you have the bear the responsibility of having looked at it.
2. I agree with Alvin that it is up to parents to educate their children - especially since we are growing up in the internet age where children can go online and look at all kinds of content. The fact is there is already so much porn on the internet - it's not like Alvin invented porn. Pullease. Alvivi is just a drop in the ocean. Even if you erased all traces of the Alvivi content, that's like taking a cupful of seawater out of the Pacific ocean - it'll make virtually no difference at all.
2. Besides, please recognize that they have already taken down their blog - the fact that you could still access those pictures is because someone else (not Alvin, not Vivian) had saved them and reposted them elsewhere. That has nothing to do with Alvin nor Vivian - so you have to recognize there are others involved in spreading their original blog content.
3. I have to disagree with you when you accused Alvin of making the world a worse place because he posted pornographic content. After all, you're guilty of imposing your standards on him. Don't we all have different standards? I have lived in the Middle East where women routinely cover up (including veiling their faces in public) for it was considered immodest/indecent/immoral not to do so. I have worked with women who do wear such veils over their heads (ie. a Niqab, where I can still see their eyes, nose and mouth but nothing else). I respect that they have different standards - I don't go telling them, "you're oppressing women", no, I don't judge their relative standards of morality but at the same time I don't expect them to impose their standards on me.
My point is that there is such a wide range of moral standards out there about what is sinful and what is permissible - we have every right to decide where we stand on an issue like pornography, but we have no right to impose our standards on others. I am trying to walk a fine line here - I am respecting your right to dislike and disapprove of Alvin's pornography, but at the same time, by the same token, I am totally respecting and endorsing his right to make it. It is two sides of the same coin, get it?
4. As for why I am defending Alvin & Vivian, yes both of those reasons: I do find the vitriol offensive and want to put small-minded people in their place; and I really believe in freedom of expression? The only people I think they are accountable to is their parents - but that is a private affair for them to resolve away from the public gaze. I don't want to tell them what they should do - I am merely making an observation about how Vivian is obviously not close to her parents, that explains their reaction of total shock.
DeleteAs for being nice - I'm sorry but that's really being idealistic. Sure it would be nice if people could be nice - but in real life, that rarely happens. And if Alvin was obliged to be nice, then that should've been clearly written into his scholarship contract. It wasn't.
As for your young daughter, the onus is on you to guide her and take care of her, making sure that she doesn't see age-inappropriate content for her on the net. Ideally, I'd love for you to talk about this with your daughter when she is old enough to deal with it and if she does look at it at some stage, her reaction would be the same as yours, ie. "meh, it's not even tasteful." And simply close the window. That was actually pretty much my reaction. I just laughed at the fact that he kept his hat on during sex - but apart from that, I wasn't impressed and lost interest pretty quickly. By that token, we're not that different, are we?
5. Furthermore, on the relative morality of pornography - I have a "if you don't like it, don't watch it - then you won't be offended" approach. You will lose the battle of trying to censor everything you find objectionable or offensive - because people like Alvin are going to claim it is their right to do what they like. Rather, you should offer your child the best gift of all - a moral compass for her to decide what is right, what is wrong in life, so she would know exactly how to react should she come across a character like Alvin Tan in the future. The challenge for you as a parent is to make sure you win your daughter's trust, that she will always confide in you, trust you - and you will never end up in the position of Vivian Lee's parents.
DeleteI wonder why did NUS tell the whole world about Alvin Tan and his sex blog. Are they obligated to do so? If not, I don't think it's fair to blame Alvin Tan for tarnishing the school's (or scholarship donor's) reputation. As Limpeh said, Alvin "wasn't using his status as an NUS scholar to justify his content on his blog".
DeleteAs for freedom of expression, people who criticise this right tend not to realise that they are exercising such a right. Alvin has the right to publish such content as much as anyone has the right to criticise him. Then you may ask, "but isn't Alvin selfish for not sparing a thought for others?" I think Limpeh's points 1, 2 and 3 sufficiently address this.
I do think that NUS has some questions to answer but they are really barking up the wrong tree with this whole sex scandal. The fact is Alvin has said on camera during an interview that he has no interest in pursuing law and wants to pursue instead a career in showbiz. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i9lnYCHREfI "Probably something in the entertainment industry - anything that allows me to be famous. Yeah I like being famous.... Law is definitely not for me, I struck that one out in year one at law school already. You gotta make your parents happy sometimes."
DeleteSo ... how could you have given a law scholarship to someone who wasn't even sure he wanted to do law to begin with? I have a friend who is currently in NUS law and she is working so hard to make her dreams come true - she spent her holidays during her JC days doing unpaid internships at some of the law firms in S'pore and good grief, if you're going to give out law scholarships, give it to students who definitely 100% sure wanna go into law - not someone who (like Alvin) is just doing it to please his parents but has no intention to go through with it.
That's the question that I wanna raise - how on earth could this one slip through the net?
Gee, I guess the best way to go about this is point by point as well:
Delete1. I googled their blog because people are talking about it, and I like being informed. I'm not 'complaining' for me. I take responsibility for what I look at. I didn't like what I saw, but that's cool by me. I think this part is a little beside the point I was trying to make.
2. I didn't say Alvin invented porn. But a lot of pennies make a pound. If everyone that made this kind of material (including the wealth of people that really make Alvin look quite tame) stopped themselves from doing it, sure, it WILL make a difference. This is like voting... does my one vote really matter when there are XX million people in the country? Probably very little difference, but if everyone thought that way, then there would be no votes. If I wasn't a nice person because I'm just one person in a world with a 6B population and it 'makes no difference', and everyone thought the same way, what kind of world would we live in? Yes, I'm being idealistic, but what's wrong with that? Is it really so bad to aspire to something better, even if it can seem discouraging or futile? We have to contribute in our own way, even if it is a very small way. So yes, Alvin's material is very small in the bigger scheme of things, but it's significant in its own way.
I'm not blaming them for 'spreading' their blog content, and I give them the credit for taking it down, if for nothing else than to spare Vivian's parents since it obviously matters to them. I'm not advocating for the people that spread their content or criticize them either. I think they should also keep themselves in check. Why be so malicious? Gee. However, just because I am not on 'their' (crazy critics full of venom) side does not mean that I am automatically on Alvin's side either (obviously).
3. If I am guilty of imposing my standards/morals on Alvin, then by the same token, he is imposing his standards/morals on me. But really this isn't true, because I'm not forcing Alvin to do what I consider to be the right thing, I'm just saying that what he did wasn't terribly thoughtful of many people. And he isn't forcing me to look at his website. I don't dispute his right to make his site. He has the right to do whatever he wants, as long as it's not a crime. But we shouldn't do things just because we have the right to do it. Does that make sense? Endorsing his right to publish content and supporting the content he publishes are two very different things.
4. I guess I'm more collectivist-minded than you. I do feel I am accountable to a much broader range of people. I am first and foremost accountable to my family, yes, but I do feel it is my social responsibility to everyone, though obviously not so much as to be a slave to the world. I think it's the simple things... I don't litter, I'm nice to strangers, I don't steal bags of potato chips at Subway though they always put the racks in blind spots, I pick up dog poop so some unknown-to-me person doesn't step on it, I don't put sex pictures of myself on the web. You know, all in a day's work.
Am I idealistic? Most likely yes. But if everyone was just practical, then we wouldn't have a ton of crazy but wonderful things today. <insert cliches about various geniuses/ inventors being called crazy by the world... take your pic.. Jobs, Einstein, Edison, Disney, Wright, blah blah blah. If we didn't attempt things just because it seems impossible, then how can we improve ourselves? Just because in real life people aren't nice, is that really a good reason to not be nice?
Being nice wasn't part of his scholarship contract, but that doesn't mean he shouldn't show gratitude for what he was given and therefore strive to be a good reflection of the award. In this now-famous article, as an NYU professor said to a student who claimed that he didn't know that he wouldn't be admitted to class if he was more than 15 minutes late, "...your logic effectively means you cannot be held accountable for any code of conduct before taking a class. For the record, we also have no stated policy against bursting into show tunes in the middle of class, urinating on desks or taking that revolutionary hair removal system for a spin. However, xxxx, there is a baseline level of decorum (i.e., manners) that we expect of grown men and women who the admissions department have deemed tomorrow's business leaders." I don't think it's reasonable for the scholarship to contain a list of conditions that someone shouldn't do, or that list would be infinitely long.
DeleteAnyway, I think people should be able to disagree without being mean. Seriously. :-\ As for my young daughter, I take my role as a parent seriously, and I will guide and take care of her. This doesn't mean that I will shadow her day and night and look over her shoulder every time she is in front of a screen, which would be the only way I can make sure she doesn't see age-inappropriate content. I think it's a given she will see it, which is what upsets me about people putting it out there. So yes, the best and only way to deal with it is to talk and educate them so they know how to react.
5. I think the reason people are getting angry, is the 'kids' thing. I wouldn't watch porn if it offends me, and even if it did, so what? I'm old enough, I can deal with it. Ooo, my eyeballs are going to roll out.. not. I wouldn't even have kids if I really was such a puritan. Trying to shield my kids from this stuff and educating them aren't mutually exclusive. Just because I don't like Alvin and company putting out this stuff doesn't mean that I won't do my part in educating my kid for the eventuality that she will see stuff like it. I'm going to assume that Alvin and gang will do what they want. And I'm 100% with you on bringing them up right, but that still doesn't mean I like what Alvin did. Of course, Alvin doesn't care if I like what he did and he will never even know who we are (most likely)... but we're all just writing here for intellectual exchange, right? Not like I'm going to protest outside his house.
Puppet:
I don't get your point? Just because he wasn't using his scholarship to justify his content, how does that equate to the scholarship not being tarnished? In fact, it seems the scholarship is a hot topic and a sore point right now. Vivian did not choose her parents and her parents did not choose Vivian. Nonetheless, her parents are affected by the publicity. You cannot separate the two. Vivian may not feel she did any wrong, but she couldn't help the fact that it affected and involved her parents, just by being her parents. Similarly, Alvin can do what he wants, but because he was on the scholarship, what he does will reflect on it.
OK a reply for you.
Delete1. There is so much porn out there because there is a huge demand for it, especially with the internet. It's a business, it's a function of supply & demand. Alvivi are different because they're not trying to make money from it, they're just having fun. If an adult is willing to pay money to watch 2 consenting adults being filmed having sex, everyone involved is a consenting adult - I don't have a moral issue with that as long as it is a process which is regulated and governed with strict rules protecting those involved and making sure children don't have access to adult content. I go back to my story about my time in the Middle East where women are covered up head to toe because their culture dictates it - these women may come to Singapore and see Singaporean women walking around in shorts & T-shirt and think that Singaporeans are immoral, disgraceful, immodest, sinful etc (which we wouldn't bat an eyelid at a fellow Singaporean woman walking around in shorts & T-shirt given our tropical climate).
If enough people, ie. the majority in a country, feel a certain way about an issue (eg. the modest of women in the Middle East), then it will dictate the social norms (so all women do cover up in places like Saudi Arabia, UAE, Iran etc) - but if the majority of society feel differently on the issue (eg. Singapore where women can wear what they like), then again, the majority will dictate the stance on the issue.
In the West and in countries like Thailand and Japan, porn production is legal and accepted as part of the adult entertainment industry - their governments are okay with it, their societies are okay with it and so it exists in those countries - totally legal and accepted by their societies. Now Singapore may be a different story - but given that we're now part of the internet age and there are no borders on the internet, we are able to go online and see adult content from America, Europe, Japan etc. Despite America being on the surface such a conservative Christian country, so much porn comes from America. Why? Because yes there are Christians in America, but there are also adults who want to enjoy porn there so a balance is struck.
Did it occur to you that in countries where porn is legally produced, the majority of the adults there don't have a moral issue with porn? If the majority of the adults had a serious moral issue with it, how would the government be able to legalize and regulate it? That's why you have countries like Holland, Denmark and Germany on one end (extremely liberal) and Saudi Arabia, UAE and Iran on the opposite end (extremely conservative) and whilst Singapore is somewhere in the middle (but closer to the conservative end), if you want to be a part of the international community, then you have to face the fact that as a small country interacting with much bigger countries, you have to accept what the majority of these countries feel is acceptable and normal - such as adult content. The alternative is simply to cut yourself off, no internet, go back to the pre-internet days and consume only very local content via local TV, local newspapers and don't even own a computer.
Hence you're welcome to take your stance against porn and it's your right to hold such an opinion on the issue - but you have to measure it against others in societies outside your country and face the fact that there are some people (such as myself, in another country) who actually don't have a moral problem with porn as long as it is regulated properly.
Delete2. I find it disturbing that you should equate stealing potato chips at Subway to putting sexy pictures of yourself on the web. Firstly, if you tried to do that on a website like Facebook, that would be censored as Facebook doesn't allow XXX rated content. You would then have to put it on an adult website where your photos would only be seen by other adults who are seeking XXX content - if it's all done between consensual adults, then I don't have a moral issue with it, as long as you're not hurting anyone. If you steal something from Subway - there is a victim: Subway. They suffer a loss if you don't pay for your food, you are stealing from them. But if you put a XXX pic of yourself on an adult website and I chose (as a consenting adult) to view that XXX content - where is the victim? After all, I chose to view the content a a consenting adult. Can I state the obvious please? It's not for you to dictate to me what my morals should be, whether or not I should (or should not) view adult content (that includes say movies/computer games which have graphic violence or bad language, not just sexual content). That is the job for the government in our respective countries to regulate (and censor if necessary). Morality is a private issue. You have the right to decide what your morals are and you have responsibility for your child(ren) - but you are overstepping the mark when you then try to dictate to a third party (me or otherwise) what I should or should not be looking at in the privacy of my living room on my laptop.
I may not be contributing to world peace when I look at porn on the internet - it is purely an exercise for private pleasure. However, I am not hurting anyone either - so it's totally wrong of you to compare it to stealing from Subway or littering etc. No one is harmed in the process, that's my point. There are no victims if I am watching a porn movie which is produced by consenting adults and everyone involved in the production of that porn movie has been paid for their work.
As for decorum and university scholars - I say, there is a line to be drawn between private and public space. Years ago I had a colleague who went through a messy divorce as he was visiting prostitutes behind his wife's back, it got messy as she caught him (she had her suspicions and started following him) - big fight, very messy, kids involved etc. We knew about the story but again, that is his private life - nothing to do with what he did at work. Should he have been fired for what he did in his private life? No, because despite everything that happened, it didn't really impact on his work performance in the office and frankly, it wasn't our place to judge what he did in his private/family life - that's really between him and his wife to sort out, it was none of our business.
As for your daughter, it's not so much porn on the net you should be worried about - what if one day she met a charming, eloquent, bright character like Alvin Tan who sweeps her off her feet and she thinks, "wow this guy is smart, he is a scholar and he likes me!" Would she know where to draw the line in terms of dealing with a character like that who may wish to do things that you as a parent would not approve of? Would you be able to implicitly trust your daughter to always do the right thing - or might you end up like Vivian Lee's parents? That's the challenge for every parent to face. Tough one my friend, not easy. It's one thing to deal with content on the internet, it's another thing to deal with a person in real life when it comes to love & relationships.
I wrote that it's not fair to "blame Alvin Tan for tarnishing the school's (or scholarship donor's) reputation" because if NUS had not reported this incident to the press, then the public wouldn't have known about it so there'll be no reputational damage.
DeleteIn the first place, I wonder if all this "reputational damage" is real or imaginary. Many Singaporeans think that Alvin is a disgrace to NUS, but how does the world look at this issue? I suspect many people from Western countries generally would not bat an eyelid, due to their liberal culture.
As for Vivian, consider these hypothetical arguments before I make my point:
1) "Vivian should not marry ABC, otherwise her parents will feel deeply disappointed."
2) "Vivian should not live in Western countries, else her parents feel that they have failed to inculcate traditional values in her."
3) "Vivian should not associate her name with her parents in public, else they will feel ashamed."
I don't know your stand on these issues, but I think her parents are being unreasonable in hypothetical cases #1 and #2. On the other hand, her parents have a say in #3 since they have a right to keep their private lives out of public scrutiny.
My point: it is too simplistic to argue that vivian should or should not do something just because "her parents are affected". It doesn't matter what her parents feel about her action so long as it doesn't inflict significant damage on them. Has it?
Vivian's parents are may feel ashamed among their relatives, due to their conservative upbringing. However, I think that is something like #1 or #2 rather than #3 since there was no mention of who vivian's parents are (I think).
Hi Puppet. I refer you back to my article - my main point being that communication is a 2 way street. If the parents are uncommunicative (like mine, who hate being contradicted or even disagreed with), then the child is likely to default to silence - ie. even when the child disagrees with the parent, s/he will say nothing but that doesn't tantamount to silent consent. On the contrary, it's silent disagreement - but the parents are under the wrong impression that in keeping silent, the child actually agrees with them. This is what happened in Vivian Lee's case I'm sure judging from the evidence.
DeleteI feel it's very unreasonable to place the onus entirely on the child to communicate when many Asian parents are crap at communicating. Heck, we went through all this back in the 1990s with Annabel Chong/Grace Quek and her parents - her parents were totally clueless as well as to why their straight A student daughter would want to become this mega porn star. That was like 17, 18 years ago when Annabel Chong was at the peak of her fame during her porn career - little has evolved in terms of Asian parenting in the last 2 decades it seems. Asian parents are still clueless in terms of raising children in these modern times, being totally unable to bridge the generation gap, using parenting techniques which are woefully outdated and inadequate.
As much as I want to express sympathy to Vivians' parents - I also want to make sure they accept responsibility for the situation for having been uncommunicative parents who haven't taken the trouble to get to know their very own child. Perhaps I am bitter about this as I feel that my parents have no freaking clue what goes on in my head and I feel that my faithful readers who read my blog posts understand me far better than my own parents - but there you go, that's Asian parenting for you. It's shit. It's so utterly shitty.
Hi LimPehFT
DeleteI'm quite a fan of your blog. This is the 1st time I'm commenting.
May I just politely ask: the "misogynistic" blog you are referring to is Alex Au or WhereBearsRoamFree? haha.
Neither. I think Yawning Bread is pretty good most of the time - I have crossed swords with wherebearsroamfree before (and I do think of him as both homophobic and sexist) but I have not read his post on this topic yet. I don't follow his blog - it's like, him and I are so different in so many ways, why read it and get angry when I know I am going to disagree with most of his opinions?
DeleteIf you really, really wanna see that misogynistic blog, go to this article http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/10/the-double-standards-of-singaporeans.html and scroll down to the comments section and look for Chin Tam Loh's comment.
Thanks for reading :)
Hullo.
ReplyDeleteI agree that Alvin and Vivian have the full right to make their own porno blog, as distasteful as some might find this act to be. However, surely I have the right to hate Alvin for being a douchebag?
Cheers.
Hi and thanks for your comment. Yes it's their right to make their porno blog and of course, by the same token, it is your right to have an opinion about Alvin, however negative. What makes him a douchebag, care to elaborate please?
Delete