Q&A: What should I do about Sam?

OK I have a question from a reader who left me this comment and upon his/her request, I have no published it and have kept his/her identity secret. I'm not sure what to prescribe/suggest, but I will try my best. I shall simply call this person "Writer" - since s/he wrote in and asked me the following question:

"Dear Limpeh, 

I have seen in your previous posts how you were very good at giving out advice on difficult relationships, I am hoping you could help me out here. There's this guy - let's call him Sam - we've kinda known each other for a while, though not very well. We just have a lot of mutual friends and I know of him, he knows who I am and a few years ago, when I got drunk at a party, I totally hit on him. OMG, I totally misread his signals and threw myself at him... I remember how he let me down gently. OMFG. How totally embarrassing  I got the message that he doesn't fancy me and to back off. 

"Writer" was a bit too forward with Sam. 

Years passed since that party and then earlier today, he sent me a message on Facebook telling me that he is  going to be in my neighbourhood and wants to hang out, go for something to eat. I was surprised and then I took at look at his recent Facebook photos and I was like, oh hello there, you're still as hot as ever. So I asked him if it was a 'date' - and he said, "no of course not, it's just we've not seen each other in ages and I thought since I am passing your way we could catch up, have a drink etc." 

That was when I should've made some excuse not to meet him, but well, I was too blunt. I told him that I am sure he remembers what happened at the party a few years ago and it's kinda awkward to say the least, meeting up like that knowing that I totally fancy him whilst he is not interested in me that way. You know what he replied? "That is true. I don't fancy you that way, I see you as a platonic friend." 

At which point I thought, OMG, this is getting from bad to worse. I then said it was probably a bad idea to meet under such circumstances. He then replied, "Look, I am about 5 minutes down the road from where you are. "I'm not interested in pulling anyone at the moment. I literally just broke up last Saturday and am just not in the position to think about dating. I was just being friendly as we've spoken many times and I happened to be in your neighbourhood but if the only valuable relationship you can have is based on sex/dating/romance then I guess we have nothing in common."

Can you be platonic friends with someone you really fancy?

When I read that I was like aaaargh. Talk about handling something really badly. I tried to remind myself that there's nothing lost given that he was never going to be interested in me anyway and I hate to be in that kind of position where we go on a pseudo-date knowing that I fancy him but he doesn't fancy me at all. Just too awkward. But I could've handled that better. Should I apologize? What should I do now? Thanks Limpeh."

Dear "writer",

I am going to keep this gender neutral as you didn't leave any clues on your profile where you're male or female but that's not important for what I am going to say applies either way. Look, I feel for you and I think you did the right thing - perhaps you could've handled it a bit better but at least you were honest. There's nothing wrong with being honest. Maybe a bit too honest but should you be berated for your honesty? Sigh. Maybe there is a fine line between honesty and tact and the two are sometimes not the same thing.

Now Sam is clear what he wants from you - a platonic friendship and you've been clear what you want from him - a romantic relationship. The fact that Sam is interested in you as a friend shows that you are probably quite a fun person to hang out with - but ah, he doesn't 'fancy' you that way. To put it bluntly, there's no sexual chemistry. Such is the difference between friendship and romance, there has got to be that spark of sexual/physical attraction. And if it isn't there on his part, then it's no one's fault. Only he can decide whom he fancies, what constitutes as 'his type' and at least he is being honest with you as well.

Can Sam figure out what "Writer" is feeling? 

I do want to say though, I don't believe in the 'never say never' school of philosophy. If he didn't fancy you back then (at the party) and he doesn't fancy you today, he is probably never going to change his mind on the issue in the future. Such is the nature of sexual chemistry, so you are doing the right thing by accepting the fact that he is probably never going to fancy you in a romantic way.

Clearly, you feel awkward about the situation and he doesn't. Is that anyone's fault? Clearly not. You shouldn't feel obliged to pretend everything is normal when you genuinely feel awkward or embarrassed by the situation - who wouldn't be? One would need a pretty thick skin not to feel awkward after a rejection like that. As he is the one turning you down, there is less for him to feel awkward about - so perhaps he is being insensitive about what you've gone through further to his rejection. Nonetheless, I hope you don't hang your self-worth on Sam's judgement - physical attraction is so subjective. As we say in French, chacun à son goût: to each his own taste.

Furthermore, you've told us what Sam wants - a cool, relaxed platonic friendship with you. What about what you want eh? What do you want? Do you want what Sam is offering? And if it is not what you want, you have the right to say "no thanks". You're not obliged to accept whatever he wants on his terms, how about what you want? And if clearly what you want and what Sam wants is different - then as Sam puts it, you "have nothing in common".

Do you know what you want out of your relationships? 

Maybe if it had been some kind of group outing, like a group of friends visiting an exhibition or going to a restaurant - then it would be far less awkward given that you can choose to avoid Sam or talk to him depending on how you feel at the time. But gosh, a pseudo-date that is just you and him? Too awkward IMHO. Like, imagine how you would feel if he spots someone attractive across the bar and starts chatting up that stranger... Ouch. He wants to have the freedom to do that with you not giving a damn as a platonic friend, but if you do have feelings for him (which you can't help having) - then that's just not possible on your part. I can see some frustration as well on your part stemming from the fact that Sam just doesn't see (or respect) your point of view as to why you find this awkward (when he clearly doesn't) - well "Writer", what can I say? Some people are just not that good at empathy, that's his problem not yours.

So "Writer", there's nothing really to apologize for. You've been honest and Sam's been blunt - that's a good start, the two of you are really honest with each other. To be honest, he did sound a bit harsh and judgemental in that last message he wrote to you - but hey, at least he is being honest and not dancing around the issue . You know exactly where you stand and there's no ambiguity, no guess work, no questions. Trust me, that's a good thing. You'll rather know where you stand with him than to have to try to figure out mixed signals and conflicting messages. I'm sure Sam will be able to find other platonic friends to hang out with - it's not like he is going to be all alone if you refuse to hang out with him. Besides, if he is as hot as you say he is, I'm sure he'll have no problems attracting some new love interest.

Sam is in a difficult place at the moment having just broken up so maybe he is feeling lonely or confused. When one is in that state of mind, some people do seek out company - either to have a shoulder to cry on or to just fill that void in one's life with friends. I do question Sam's judgement though in approaching you given what happened at the party you mentioned - probably not the best judgement call on his part in a while. He was thinking of what he wanted rather than what you wanted. After all, you also have the right to choose whom you have social interaction with - whether you want to go on dates with guys who do fancy you or hang out with platonic friends.

Chalk this one up to experience "wrtier" okay? It is not really your fault and not anyone's fault. Maybe Sam didn't realize just how much you liked him - maybe he dismissed your advances at the party as a moment of folly brought on by the alcohol. Maybe he plain forgot or he wasn't thinking but your feelings should matter. Maybe they don't matter to Sam, but they should matter to you. Don't feel bad about this okay? Honesty is the best policy and at least you have all the answers you need about this issue.

All the best my friend, I hope my advice has helped and I encourage all my LIFTers to write in and offer "writer" your thoughts and ideas as well. Thanks everyone.