After all, Singaporean men do pay a rather high price for not being able to please a woman - imagine this. Singaporean guy meets the woman of his dreams, he totally falls in love with her - she is everything he wants in a woman. Guess what? She turns around and rejects him for he presents the worst of all the stereotypes of the charmless Singaporean man. "But darling I can change!" I hear him say. Can he? Will he be able to change fast enough to risk losing the woman of his dreams forever? Let's look at what he may have to change.
 |
| No happy ending for Singaporean men looking for love? |
Accusation 1: Singaporean men are tied to their mother's apron strings - they are completely dependent on their mothers and hence are not independent at all. This starts in the domestic environment (they can't cook, can't do laundry, can't figure out how to pay the utility bills etc) and the woman worries that she will have to spend the rest of her life being his maid if he is going to throw his dirty laundry on the floor, collapse onto the sofa to watch football and yell, "hey bring me a beer!" By extension, given that they have never had to take responsibility domestically, they are immature, child-like - even childish.
Verdict: 95% true
Cause: Virtually all Singaporean men live with their parents and that in itself may not pose a problem - but it is the parents, notably the mothers, who are the problems. I say, if your son is over the age of 18, the mother should stop serving him. That's right - no more cooking, no more laundry and demand that he pays rent - no more rent-free accommodation for these good-for-nothing free loaders.
 |
| Why do so few Singaporeans move out from their parents' home? |
On the issue of maturity, humans need to be nurtured into adulthood - it isn't something that automatically kicks in like puberty. Maturity is a state of mind that you need to evolve into - it's like having to get into the swimming pool before you can learn how to swim. If Singapore men aren't even given the chance to be in a position to take responsibility for themselves, how are they going to mature and grow up? They grow old whilst remaining child-like.
Solution: Mothers have got to have the resolve to say to their sons, "Make your own fucking breakfast, I was up late watching a movie last night and I wanna have a lie in. You're not a child any more, the kitchen is that way and by the way, we're out of milk so you need to get some. I'm tired of being your fucking maid. Now fuck off and let me go back to sleep." (Okay I don't think the mothers of Singapore are that foul-mouthed, but you get the idea.)
 |
| Go make your own fucking coffee. |
Likewise, women have got to be prepared to punish the men who do treat their elderly mothers like maids or risk becoming the maid the moment they get married. The threat of losing the woman they love is pretty good incentive for these lazy bums to change their ways - but it has got to be done with the co-operation of the mothers. Sadly, the mothers of Singapore are the cause of this problem and as my LIFTer LSH puts it,
"(These mothers) need someone to depend wholly on them so that they can feel useful, loved, important, etc." So far from encouraging their sons to be independent, they do quite the opposite - they baby their sons way into adulthood to continue feeling relevant and important to their sons. There's something really creepy about mothers like that who deliberately sabotage their own children because of their warped ideas of what it takes for them to feel valued and useful."
Ladies, if you do meet a man like that with a mother like that - the best thing to do is to drop him like a hot brick and run the fuck away. Don't see him any more, don't take his calls, delete him on Facebook and warn your girlfriends that he is probably fucked up beyond redemption. You can't change a man - only a man who wants to change will allow himself to be changed. You can bring a horse to water but you cannot make it drink - you were warned.
The only saving grace is if that man is so rich he can afford to hire a servant or three, so the issue of who does the housework not a problem at all - the servants do it. Even if you marry such a rich man, fine you don't need to do the housework - but you still need to compete with his mother for his attention, is that the kind of fight you wanna get into? Mind you, the current life expectancy for women in Singapore is 83 years - do the maths, that's a very long fight that is only going to end when the mother-in-law passes away.
 |
| Can you future husband afford to hire a domestic maid? |
Are you going to encounter this problem with men from other countries or is this a uniquely Singaporean problem?
This is the kind of problem you will find in a city state where people can continue to live with their parents into adulthood as the country is just so freaking small: Singapore, Macau, Monaco, Hong Kong are good examples - but even across the causeway in Malaysia, the situation is very different. Young people regularly leave their parents to go work or study in another city - thus snapping those apron strings by default. Of course in any city, you will get men who refuse to move away and continue living with their parents into adulthood - so they are going to be the hopeless losers you should avoid. But yes, by and large, in countries like America and the UK, the moment you turn 18 - that's it, you move out, you do not continue living with your parents and damnit it's a very good thing.
I remember when I was a kid and my parents were discussing this trend of young people in the West moving out when they turn 18 and they were like ,"wah, so heartless the moment they turn 18 they abandon their parents. Luckily Singapore not like that one." Yeah right, like the Singaporean situation is any better? Just look at the monsters you have created - even the Singaporean women wouldn't touch them with a barge pole. Ha! Like seriously, Singaporean parenting sucks big time.
 |
| A man can learn a lot from doing his own laundry. |
Accusation 2: Singaporean men are sexist and are stuck in the last century. They don't know how to respect a woman in the 21st century.
Verdict: 50% true - buyers beware, don't marry sexist men lah.
Cause: As my LIFTer Winking Doll explains: "Given the 重男轻女 (patriarchal) mindset prevalent amongst our parents' generation (those aged 70's or older), it is not surprising to have an elderly woman serving her darling adult-son from head-to-toe. I mention elderly WOMAN specifically because I noted that it is often the stay-at-home housewife mother who spoils the adult-son, not the father. Afterall, only the male offspring will "carry the family name" ［传宗接代］, and I guess that the son upon-birth brought the mother some stature in the extended family, and relieving her of being "infilial" [不孝有三 无后为大]. I have seen such pampering within my own family. It is always the 2 older girls who would have to cover any household chores but never the boys. It is also always the mother demanding that the sisters have to "help" their brothers succeed in life, but never the other way around. I rebelled against such discrimination since young, making me a black sheep in my mother's eyes. However, if you're a male and most of your male friends are treated the same way, it would not be surprising if you don't think about this discrimination against your sisters (and females in general), and probably come to take it for granted that "females exist to serve the males". For females growing up in such families, what a breath of fresh air to be wooed by a man (ang-moh or otherwise) who would cook, clean and/or serve you from head-to-toe just to win your heart."
 |
| Are parents capable of treating all their children equally? |
Now I think only 50% of Singaporean men are prone to that kind of deep-rooted Asian sexism, the figure could be higher or lower, but it is definitely not like 90%. I was brought up in a stereotypically Mandarin-Hokkien speaking Chinese family in Ang Mo Kio and yet I have extremely progressive views on the topic and I vehemently reject any sexist notions (Asian or otherwise). I refuse to accept that just because I come from a sexist culture that I am automatically sexist - I am an individual who is free to pick and choose what my values are and I can reject certain elements of my culture by simply saying, "That's fucking stupid, I reject it." And yeah, I am with Winking Doll on the whole notion of 重男轻女- I say, that's fucking stupid and I reject it wholeheartedly and if you try to justify the notion of 重男轻女 by arguing that it's part of your culture, then that makes you fucking stupid.
Solution: Again, I can't prescribe a solution - I can only suggest that women run a mile from sexist men they encounter. Like don't even give them a chance, they deserve to die alone and lonely. And as Winking Doll has explained, if you are male and have benefited from this kind of 重男轻女 notion, then please do not take the privileges you have enjoyed for granted and expect it to continue.
 |
| Does your gender affect your position in Singaporean society? |
Are you going to encounter this problem with men from other countries or is this a uniquely Singaporean problem?
Well, this is an interesting one - the status of women varies around the world. They are highest in the West and lowest in Africa, the Middle East and Asia. Singapore is an oddity in this spectrum because whilst we have many trappings of a first world rich nation, culturally we are the same as all these other Asian nations stuck with their sexist notions of the status of women. So if you were to date an African or Pakistani man, then you're probably going to experience even worst sexism - but if you were to date a British or Scandinavian person, then yes their enlightened attitude towards gender equality would be a breath of fresh air.
Accusation 3: Singaporean men are stingy, especially on dates.
Verdict: <50% true
Now this has not been my experience with my friends in Singapore who have been usually quite generous with me, it's like I remember when I met up with some old friends for dinner, when the bill came we all were like, "Please let me pay"... Eventually, someone else got to pay the bill but only after it was agreed that I was allowed to take them all for ice cream after dinner. Having said that, not all my Singaporean friends are that generous and think there's a mix of generous Singaporeans and stingy-selfish ones.
Likewise, in my time in the West, I have also encountered the same mix of generous and stingy-selfish people, such is the nature of human societies. Generosity is a virtue that is not confined to any culture - Asian or Western. It is a trait that is related to other aspects of one's character.
Cause: Okay, in the Singaporean context, there are certain factors related to stinginess or selfishness amongst the male population. Firstly, I go back to the issue men who have always depended on their parents for everything - their parents pay all their bills and allow them to stay rent free at home even when they become working adults. This cultivates a sense of entitlement, like "of course people should do things for me because that's the way it has always been". I don't how they can get away with it with their friends, but if someone demonstrates that they have no ability to reciprocate my kindness and generosity, then really I don't want to be their friend. Conversely, if someone does demonstrate that they do indeed understand this concept of reciprocity - then I will say, aha! That's a person I wanna hold on to as a friend and I have quite a few friends in Singapore who do fall into that category.
Whilst there is some economic hardship for some Singaporeans who struggle to make ends meet, another problem is the culture of being 'kiasu' (怕输 - 'afraid to lose'). Now I have to say this: it's not cool, it's not funny, it's fucking disgusting. That's right, I fucking hate people who are kiasu. It leads to such ugly behaviour and in the case of Singaporean men who are on dates, they are worried to 'lose' money - now it's not that they can't afford the money, but it's the thought of making a loss (however small) that terrifies them.
Imagine a Singaporean man who asks a woman he fancies out for a coffee and she says yes. If his kiasu instinct kicks in, he would start worrying: what if she is not really interested in me? What if this goes no further than this cup of coffee? What if I discover something about her that I really dislike? What if she is already in love with another man or falls in love with someone else tomorrow? What if, what if, what if - the question that then bugs him is this: if I spend say $6.40 on her today buying her a Starbucks caramel hot chocolate and it doesn't lead to anything, then that's $6.40 is a loss and that's when the kiasu mechanism goes into overdrive.
Even if he could easily afford $6.40, it is more the fear of losing that money that makes him react. Heck, even if the lady's drink cost just $1, it doesn't matter - it is not the price of the drink per se, the kiasu Singaporean has this irrational fear of losing money. I wonder where this comes from - perhaps it is from the 1960s and 1970s when Singapore was a much poorer country then and people had to be a lot more careful with their money then and thus this kind of behaviour was encouraged back then.
Now this has not been my experience with my friends in Singapore who have been usually quite generous with me, it's like I remember when I met up with some old friends for dinner, when the bill came we all were like, "Please let me pay"... Eventually, someone else got to pay the bill but only after it was agreed that I was allowed to take them all for ice cream after dinner. Having said that, not all my Singaporean friends are that generous and think there's a mix of generous Singaporeans and stingy-selfish ones.
Likewise, in my time in the West, I have also encountered the same mix of generous and stingy-selfish people, such is the nature of human societies. Generosity is a virtue that is not confined to any culture - Asian or Western. It is a trait that is related to other aspects of one's character.
 |
| I have some very generous friends in both Europe and Singapore. |
Cause: Okay, in the Singaporean context, there are certain factors related to stinginess or selfishness amongst the male population. Firstly, I go back to the issue men who have always depended on their parents for everything - their parents pay all their bills and allow them to stay rent free at home even when they become working adults. This cultivates a sense of entitlement, like "of course people should do things for me because that's the way it has always been". I don't how they can get away with it with their friends, but if someone demonstrates that they have no ability to reciprocate my kindness and generosity, then really I don't want to be their friend. Conversely, if someone does demonstrate that they do indeed understand this concept of reciprocity - then I will say, aha! That's a person I wanna hold on to as a friend and I have quite a few friends in Singapore who do fall into that category.
Whilst there is some economic hardship for some Singaporeans who struggle to make ends meet, another problem is the culture of being 'kiasu' (怕输 - 'afraid to lose'). Now I have to say this: it's not cool, it's not funny, it's fucking disgusting. That's right, I fucking hate people who are kiasu. It leads to such ugly behaviour and in the case of Singaporean men who are on dates, they are worried to 'lose' money - now it's not that they can't afford the money, but it's the thought of making a loss (however small) that terrifies them.
Even if he could easily afford $6.40, it is more the fear of losing that money that makes him react. Heck, even if the lady's drink cost just $1, it doesn't matter - it is not the price of the drink per se, the kiasu Singaporean has this irrational fear of losing money. I wonder where this comes from - perhaps it is from the 1960s and 1970s when Singapore was a much poorer country then and people had to be a lot more careful with their money then and thus this kind of behaviour was encouraged back then.
 |
| Can you put a price on love? |
It is one thing to queue up for a free gift (hey who doesn't like a freebie eh?) but it is another thing when this fear of losing creates a kind of stingy-selfish behaviour and an obsession with not losing money. Singaporeans could mock countries like Greece and Ireland who have spent beyond their means, got into themselves so much debt and now face economic meltdown as a result of their attitude towards money - but clearly, a balance has got to be struck and this kiasu attitude would make that Singaporean man hesitate to spend $6.40 on a drink at Starbucks for the woman he really likes. He may try to convince her to go to a hawker centre where they can pay $0.70 for a coffee or worse still, he may decide that he doesn't want to risk losing $6.40 and just not ask her out at all. Either way, he is so freaking obsessed with not losing money that he has forgotten that this may be the girl of his dreams, the woman whom he may totally fall in love with and want to marry. Tsk tsk. Would you risk losing all that over $6.40?
Am I given to this kind of kiasu behaviour? Yes is the honest answer: sometimes, but then I rationalize things in my mind as I work out how much something will cost me. I have recently started a diving course! Yay, it is something I wanted to do for many years and I finally got off my ass and enrolled myself in a diving course. I must confess, as a gymnast, I have no problems chucking myself off a diving board and doing loads of somersaults and twists - but my instinct as a gymnast then kicks in and I would always enter the water feet first and never head first. You see, as a gymnast, you aim to land on your feet, not your head - so yeah I impressing people on a diving board with my gymnastics tricks (but always entering the water feet first), but there was a part of me that really wanted to learn how to dive properly and learn how to enter the water head first. The thought of doing it was kinda scary and I knew I needed a coach to teach me how to and low and behold, a beginner's diving course came up at a pool in Victoria, not far from me.
Likewise, when I started learning Welsh 2 years ago, there were plenty of what ifs in my head as well - what if I never become fluent in it? What if it turns out to be a total waste of time and I can't get any work in Welsh media? What if I just can't get my head around the language? What if it is a total waste of my money as I had to pay for my course up front? Again, I had the balls to throw caution to the wind, believe in myself and just say, "I'm fucking doing this - no ifs, no buts, just shut the fuck up and get on with it." And yeah, 2 years later, my Welsh is good enough to get my paid work for the Welsh TV station S4C.
 |
| Limpeh on Welsh TV (12 Sept 2012) |
It takes a certain amount of confidence to get over one's instinct to be kiasu. Some people are so afraid of failing they don't even dare to try - whereas I am not afraid to fail and I can live with myself if I try something and not succeed. I will simply shrug my shoulders and move on to the next challenge in life. Imagine how being kiasu would hold you back in life - you won't even be willing to spend $6.40 to buy a woman you really like a drink of her choice at Starbucks. That's fucking tragic. So ladies, it's not stinginess or selfishness per se, it's kiasuism at its ugliest.
Solution: Gosh, again, I cannot prescribe a solution. I can only give the "buyers beware" advice - after all, I have my fair share of very generous Singaporean friends. All I can say is that if you do encounter a Singaporean man who proves to be a spoilt brat who takes things for granted or displays excessive kiasuism, then run, run a mile, run for the hills - and warn all your friends to avoid that pathetic loser.
Are you going to encounter this problem with men from other countries or is this a uniquely Singaporean problem?
Well yes, you are going to encounter this attitude no matter where you go in the world, with any nationality you encounter. The only way to deal with this is to be a good judge of character and sort the winners from the losers.
 |
| Can you identify the winner amongst the losers? |
Accusation 4: Singaporean men dress badly and put no effort into their appearances
Verdict: 99% true, sorry to be harsh but it is true and I'm already being generous with 99%. I could've said 100%.
Allow me to quote my LIFTer Jen Lee on the issue:
"That scenario you described was one that I saw over and over again during the recent CNY. The ladies were dressed in sexy cheongsams and gorgeous dresses and mostly wore heels and then you take a look at their partners and you would be like wut?!? All of them were dressed in some kind of slacker uniform - plain round-necked tees in bruise-y colours like black, blue and brown, berms and sandals..the contrast was stark to say the least. Even my mum started noticing this and went "Eh why can't the guys at least put in a little more effort? Going CNY visiting lei."
As for the way they dress on dates, yes, Caucasian men and men from other countries do dress casual sometimes, but they do it smart casual, as in pair a nice shirt or polo tee with casual bottoms and a nice pair of shoes. Perhaps it's also the way they carry themselves; there is a certain je ne sai quois that true-blue local guys seem to lack."
 |
| Singapore is so hot and humid! |
Cause: Isn't it obvious? Singapore is so freaking hot and humid. The moment you step outside an air-con environment, you start sweating within moments. So it is only practical to dress for the weather - but that does mean shorts and T-shirt/singlet rather than looking smart. Now, I have identified three nationalities who put far more effort into the way they dress: the South Koreans, the Japanese and the British. (I'm not keen on Japanese fashion but they definitely do make an effort I'll grant them that.) What these countries have in common is the fact that for 3 out of 4 seasons a year, the weather is cool/cold enough to allow them to dress up nicely without sweating profusely. It is currently 14 degrees in London right now as I am typing this - no chance of me breaking into a sweat today.
Can I also note that it is not a 'Western' thing per se, as Australians are definitely white and western but they have a relatively warm climate - like it barely reaches 8 degrees in winter in Sydney and day time highs could easily reach like 20+ degrees even in their winter months. The hottest temperature ever recorded in Sydney is 45.3 degrees and that's a coastal city - it gets far hotter inland in the desert where temperatures can easily exceed 50 degrees. So Aussies tend to mirror the way Singaporeans dress - ie. practical, for the very hot weather and when they arrive in Britain, the Brits are appalled at how badly the Australians dress. So much of fashion is dictated by weather - and in the case of Singapore, what do you expect?
 |
| It can reach 50 degrees Celsius in the Australian desert. |
However, in the age of modern communication, Singaporean women watch movies and TV programmes from places like Korea, America and Britain and see just how well dressed these foreign men are and just how fashionable they look - then they compare them to the local men dressed for the tropical weather... You can see why they are disappointed. Never mind that Lee Min Ho, the Korean heartthrob is dressed for Seoul in the winter - he still looks so hot in that suit and fur coat combination. Oh but they forget that temperatures can drop to -32 in the winter in South Korea whilst it is +32 in Singapore. Big difference.
 |
| Korean megastar Lee Min Ho |
Furthermore, when expatriates come to work in Singapore, many of them retain their habits from their home countries - such as the way they dress. I remember how I had to tell my boss so many times, "you can't wear that jacket, you are in Singapore, it will be way too hot - you will end up carrying it around all day." This was so apparent during Prince William's recent visit to Singapore where he was walking around, wearing a suit in the midday heat. When I saw that photo, I laughed - only a white person would dress like that in the tropics. However, I am sure many local women thought that he looked so hot (pun intended) in his suit and tie.
Solution: Well is there are way to dress for the hot weather and still look smart at the same time? I don't think so but if you think there is a decent compromise, please leave a comment below. However, the issue here isn't fashion per se, it is more about making your date feel special. Now imagine you had a job interview for a really important job tomorrow, what would you wear? Would you wear slippers? Would you wear shorts? Would you wear a singlet?
 |
| There is a strong correlation between climate and fashion styles. |
No you simply wouldn't. It sends out the message, "I can't really be bothered to make an effort for this job interview, it's not important to me, I don't give a shit about this interview." Now imagine if you're going out on a date and you turn up in shorts, singlet and slippers. You're sending out exactly the same message of "I can't really be bothered to make an effort for this date, it's not important to me, I don't give a shit about impressing you, in fact, I really don't give a flying fuck about what you think, you're so not important to me woman."
So perhaps Prince William knew what he was doing - yes he was probably sweating like crazy in that suit but he wanted to give the Singaporeans a good impression. He wanted to look good for his public, he made an effort and put up with the discomfort of being overdressed in the tropical heat. Heck, women can relate to that - wearing something that looks good but is incredibly uncomfortable. Just look at women's shoes - they're designed to make a woman's feet and legs look sexy. A pair of high heels can easily add a few inches to a woman's height and make her bum look more pert as well - for the men reading this and have no idea what I am talking about, try this. Stand up on tip toes and you will feel the muscles in your bottom naturally clenching. It is so freaking hard to walk in those heels, yet women do everything in them and even dance in them (check out Miss A in their music video for 'Good Girl, Bad Girl' - how the hell do they dance in those massive platform heels?)
Now all I can say ladies, is when you meet a badly dressed man, run away. Quickly. This man is so NOT going to respect you, care what you think or do anything special for you ever because he has clearly demonstrated that he doesn't give a shit what you think and doesn't care enough to try to impress you. Oh the Singaporean men will claim, "oh that's so shallow to judge a man by the way he dresses." But you know what? How you dress does matter, because if you can't be bothered to give your date a good first impression, then you don't deserve to go on a date. Ladies, make sure you maintain your standards and say no to men who really don't give a shit about impressing you. You deserve so much better than that.
 |
| Korean men dress so well... but Korea has a much cooler climate. |
Are you going to encounter this problem with men from other countries or is this a uniquely Singaporean problem?
Oh you're going to encounter this everywhere you go, it's certainly not a Singaporean problem. It is just more of an issue in places like Singapore and Australia because of the extremely hot weather and less of an issue in places like South Korea, Japan and Britain because of the relatively cooler climate. You are going to get selfish men who care only about their comfort and don't give a damn about impressing you no matter where you go - but here's the good news. You can spot these men from a mile away by just how badly they look - so it's easy to avoid them.
Accusation 5: Singaporean men may "look good on paper", but turn out to be lousy lovers. Romance is dead in Singapore. You will find its tombstone at the Bukit Brown cemetery.
Many (thought not all) Singaporean men do "look good on paper" because of the amount of effort put into getting a good education - they would usually emerge from the other end of that process with a decent degree and a good job. Hence a HR manager would look at their CV and say, "pretty good, not bad." As a nation, we're told to value certain things, such as good academic performance and earning power - nothing wrong with that per se, but women who use those criteria in their quest for love soon realize that there's a lot more to love than that.However, some Singaporean women (such as my LIFTer Peanut by her own admission) make the wrongful assumption and have to learn their lesson the hard way. As Peanut explains:
"But in the end your true colors always emerge. Book-smarts cannot compensate for EQ, confidence and decisiveness. BTW, the mousepad guy ended up getting a degree from the best university in America... but he is still single and clueless and he hasn't had a girlfriend since I dated him over 10 years ago when I was 18 (or so). He figured that he would make lots of money to get a girl, but he lacks and confidence and assertiveness to be in finance or consulting, which he thought could help him achieve that."
 |
| Go away loser, I've seen your true colours. |
Cause: Love is confusing, complex, puzzling and a mystery - how many lessons have we had in love? None. There isn't a course called romance 101 - somehow we're meant to simply figure it out on our own and often learn out lessons the hard way, through trial and error. By that token, I feel sorry for Singaporean men who are clueless because they have no role models in this department and are meant to figure this out from the heroes in movies and TV shows. Our parents' generation are no help whatsoever in that department - hell no, quite the opposite. In fact, their out-of-date perceptions of love and marriage are simply totally irrelevant in this day and age and they only mislead their Singaporean sons on the issue with false promises like, "Study hard, get a good job and women will fall in love with you just like that." No, it doesn't work like that. Hell no.
I can't begin to stress just how misleading and hopeless our parents' generation are when it comes to the issue of love! My parents were vehemently against any kind of romantic encounter with the opposite sex whilst my siblings and I were students because they thought that it would simply be a distraction from our studies and besides, we weren't old enough to get married anyway as students so why should we bother with dating? Their attitude is a very typical Singaporean stance - however, this leads to thousands of Singaporean men who are single and absolutely clueless about love, romance and dating. If they listened to their parents, they'll wind up as 40 year old virgin losers who have no idea how to ask a woman out for a date or know what to do with a woman should the opportunity arise.
Solution: Singaporean parents need to back the fuck off and let their sons go dating and develop the right kind of social skills as teenagers so they can go on to become well adjusted adults who will have the skills to find love the normal way - rather than have to resort to getting a mail order bride on the wrong side of 40.
Are you going to encounter this problem with men from other countries or is this a uniquely Singaporean problem?
Whilst it's not a uniquely Singaporean problem, you're far less likely to encounter this problem in the West as parents are far more laissez-faire when it comes to their teenage children making friends and having an active social life. And of course, it is only a problem when you have the double whammy of clueless parents + obedient children who are too dumb to question their parents' really bad judgement = disaster. In my case, I had clueless parents + really rebellious kid who refused to do as he was told = I turned out okay actually and averted disaster. Go figure.
 |
| Do you know if you are on the path to happiness and love? |
So there you go, that is my analysis of the situation. What do you think? Have I been fair and accurate or have I missed something? Do let me know what you think - leave a message below, thanks!
Update: Follow the discussion here about the impact of NS on our men! http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/does-ns-make-our-men-grow-up.html
I notice you've generalised the problem of Singaporean Chinese men as a problem that afflicts all Singaporean men. Is this true for Singaporean Malay, Indian, Eurasian, etc. men?
ReplyDeleteHello Mr Udders.
DeleteI tend to write about the Singaporean-Chinese perspective for 2 reasons.
1. The majority of S'poreans are Chinese, so I am writing about the majority.
2. I write about what I do know best - ie. my personal experiences with my ethnic roots and my culture.
However,the various ethnicities of Singapore as similarly affected by the very same issues: tied to their mothers' apron strings, sexism, not being independent because they live at home with their parents into adulthood, lack of romance, bad dress sense and being kiasu - these are very Singaporean traits rather than Chinese traits - so thanks for the good question, these factors affect ALL Singaporeans "regardless of race, language or religion".
Having said that, these are just some typical problems that could occur, I am not saying that all Singaporeans are subject to them (hence the verdict percentages).
Hi Mr Udders and LIFT,
DeleteYou're right that LIFT wrote mainly from a Singaporean-Chinese perspective. But I can share based on my observation/experience (as a Singaporean-Chinese female) on the Malay, Indian, and Eurasian men in Singapore.
1. Malay men: IMHO, the typical (not all) Malay man is more relax, less kiasu, comes across as more gentlemanly, more tolerant of their wives' idiosyncrasies, more romantic, and loves their daughters as much (or even more) than their sons (because the Malays just carry their father's name, there is no "family name" to pass on). In fact, I sometimes wondered if I should look out for Malay men, but then there are very few of them in my personal circles because they are a minority in the first place, and I am academically inclined and the trend was that the Malay males are slagging behind on the academic path so there were even fewer opportunities to meet them when I was growing-up. That said, the other major bummer was that Malays are mainly Muslims, and Islamism itself propagates a 重男轻女 (patriarchal) mindset. It is a contradiction to me that despite what their religion teaches, the typical Malay man comes across as less MCP than the typical Chinese man.
2. Indian men: IMHO, the Indian culture is even more 重男轻女 (patriarchal) than the Chinese culture. And it does not matter what religion the family holds -- Hinduism, Islamism, Catholic or Christianity -- their cultural influence generally prevails in their attitude towards gender roles. Of course, just like the Chinese men, IMHO, there are some Indian men who have moved beyond the traditional gender roles. Still those are a minority.
3. Eurasian men: IMHO, the typical Eurasian man seems to have more confidence than the other ethnic groups when it comes to pursuing girls. I don't know, maybe their "exotic" looks bring them many fawning females and therefore they speak with confidence when wooing a lady. I have limited personal interactions with them in Singapore, too few to draw a conclusion about their general attitudes towards gender role.
That said, as I have commented in LIFT's earlier post "What Singaporean women think of Singaporean men?", the mainstream media helps set the tone for 重男轻女 (patriarchal) attitudes to be the norm in Singapore. It also does not help that the Singapore laws are awfully outdated and lack gender neutrality. E.g. IMHO, the Women's Charter is way overdue for an overhaul to become gender neutral and to be fair to the males -- given the couple-hood dynamics in this modern age.
http://limpehft.blogspot.ca/2012/09/what-singaporean-women-think-of.html
Given the overarching socio-political backdrop, I agree with LIFT that although he was focusing on the Singaporean Chinese males, the difference between the ethnic groups is unlikely to be hugely significant. Of course, I agree that LIFT is talking about the "typical", not everyone is that bad, there are some good pickings. Otherwise, how did my 2 sisters meet and marry their Singaporean husbands?
Cheers, WD.
Thanks for the insightful post WD!
DeleteJust a quick word on the Women's Charter: Proposal to change the Women's Charter to Family Charter by AWARE, and to tweak the Act to make it more gender neutral, was rejected by the Government in 2011. You can read all about it here: http://www.aware.org.sg/research-advocacy/womens-charter/ if you're so inclined. Make what you will of the Government's explanations.
DeleteYes, despite the blame some men like to heap on women's groups (just read the comments, on mainstream websites mind you), I wonder how many realise that (i) Women's Charter is not as discriminatory as they make it out to be and (ii) it is the Government, and not the women's groups, that is clinging on to the status quo.
(It is those comments that made me do some digging which in turn led me to the link above. And I must say, prior to this, I never gave a thought to the Women's Charter or what it stood for.)
Initially you wrote that your post will offer "a list of pitfalls for Singaporean men to avoid". However, except for your advice on parenting and your experience in taking risk rather than being afraid to lose, your solutions to many of those accusations seem to be asking women to "run, run a mile, run for the hills - and warn all your friends to avoid that pathetic loser".
ReplyDeleteSuch a "solution" isn't helpful to SG men, is it? You may argue that "losing the woman they love is pretty good incentive for these lazy bums to change their ways", but that alone surely isn't going to help those SG men to change their habits. They are no longer children, so good parenting is not a solution for them.
Furthermore, by asking women to "run" whenever they see those flaws in men, you seem to be asking them to not compromise or be tolerant. Let's just say that unless a woman is "perfect" in all ways (whatever that means), they don't deserve a "perfect" man. If they are not going to accept any flaw in a man, they're likely to remain single. Tolerance and compromise is necessary to sustain any relationship. (Of course, a physically abuse partner is a different matter altogether.)
Lastly, there has to be understanding in a relationship. I never expect a woman to wear high heels to impress me because I know it is painful to wear them and can lead to foot deformities in the long run. I want them to feel comfortable. Similarly, I expect a woman to be understanding when I don't wear thick suits due to the hot climate.
Hi Puppet, thanks for your comment.
Delete1. Yeah, the reason why I find it hard to prescribe a solution for these 5 accusations is because often, it's not the fault of the men but their upbringing - ie. a product of bad parenting. Out of the 5 accusations above, 3 can be directly attributed to parenting, 1 to general society's attitude (kiasuism) and only 1 is really down to the individual (dressing up).
So realistically, I cannot undo years of damage of bad parenting with some kind words on my blog. Let me give you an analogy: years ago, I damaged my mobile phone and I went round to several places to see if I could get it repaired and they all told me the same thing, "it's not worth it, it's too damaged, it'll probably cost more to repair it than to get a new one, just get a new phone". I fear we're in the same situation here as my damaged mobile phone! There are times when you look at a product that is so damaged that getting a new one, a better one is the only realistic advice one can give. So "run away, run a mile" is all I can offer to the ladies when it comes to such damaged goods - cos even I can't undo the damage there!!
Of course these women aren't perfect, but you're going down a slippery slope here. I am encouraging these women to have self-respect, self-worth and self-confidence to say, "I will not put up with someone with such flaws" - if you go down that route, chipping away at a woman's confidence, ie. "he may not be perfect, but you're no saint, you're not that pretty and you're not getting any younger and your biological clock is ticking, quick, lower your standards!" - gosh. That kind of attitude will get women to settle down but will they be happy? I argue therefore that a woman is probably better off single and happy than compromising her standards to settle down into an unhappy marriage! It irks me that Singaporeans somehow imagine that marriage is path to all happiness when I have seen plenty of unhappy couples trapped in flawed marriages but are stuck together because of the children and they are both deeply unhappy. Oh joy.
You and I have to agree to disagree on the last point. It's not about pleasing or impressing the partner per se, but it's more about the attitude one has with the world around him. Do you wake up in the morning demanding the world to understand your choices or are you consciously aware of what it takes to please them? I say, the man who demands 'understanding' from those around him is selfish because he expects everyone to see his point of view - whilst the man who constantly seeks to understand the point of views of others and tries to do things to please them, impress them and meet their stands is probably the man who is more humble and easier to get along with because he has you in mind, rather than himself in mind. Like you, I never expect a woman to wear high heels as I am aware of just how painful they are, difficult to walk in etc - but I can appreciate and understand WHY many women choose to wear them.
As for lowering your expectations of your partner, I guess this is a matter of being pragmatic if you want to have children, or at least don't want to remain single. If this is the case, then "your biological clock is ticking, quick, lower your standards" is good advice. In other words, recognise one's own flaws and be tolerant of one's partner's shortcomings.
DeleteWhile some people are trapped in flawed marriages, there are unmarried people who feel lonely and sad (and are stereotypically hostile to their colleagues). Thus being single doesn't guarantee happiness as much as being married or having children doesn't.
Hmm... I can agree that one would dress to impress the other party, but I guess it's just a matter of how far one is willing to go. I'd wear smart casual, but not impressive suits that make me stink from perspiration.
A few points for you.
Delete1. I think people do approach the issue of happiness the wrong way. They think about things they would like to have as a precondition for happiness.
"If I had a BMW, then I would be happy."
"If I got that promotion, then I would be happy."
"If I had a boyfriend/girlfriend, then I would be happy."
"If I had a child, then I would be happy."
"If I ______(fill in the blank), then I would be happy."
Being happy, finding happiness is tricky ... complex. To simplify it to just "if I did or had XYZ, I would be happy", simply doesn't do it justice. Hence that is why you have people who are married with kids but still desperately unhappy because they didn't get the kind of spouse or children they had hoped for.
So if someone set himself/herself up as, "If I got married, then I would be happy" - and in order to achieve that, s/he lowered his/her standards to the point where s/he married a scoundrel, then would s/he be happy? Clearly not. Because there was something wrong about the way this expectation was set up in the first place.
What should be the goal at the end of the day? Being happy? Or lowering one's standards just to be able to complete your to-do list?
It is utter bullshit however, to imagine that unmarried people are lonely and sad - anyone can be lonely and sad. I've seen married people trapped in unhappy marriages who equally feel lonely and sad when communication breaks down with the spouse - and as for that "stereotypically hostile to their colleagues" - WHAT THE FUCK? Gosh, people who are hostile to their colleagues at work are nasty people and these people can be married or single.
People who end up lonely, sad and isolated are not necessarily single - as discussed, as long as you're willing to lower your standards, anyone can settle down and get a spouse. It's all about the quality of relationships one is willing to have and it's terrible that you choose to demonize people who feel entitled to have high standards. You have the right to lower your standards, sure - but that's an individual's decision for himself/herself.
Whilst being single doesn't guarantee happiness, it is still a far better state to be in than being trapped in a deeply unhappy marriage with children. At least when you're single, hey you may meet someone special tomorrow and something wonderful may happen in the future. But if you've already lowered your standards and committed to a flawed marriage with a bad spouse and are stuck with parental responsibilities to your children - pressing the RESET button (via a divorce) is far more complicated and messy.
There is a big emotional (not to mention financial) cost to those who have made such mistakes and try to press the RESET button - in hindsight, they would've never ever made that mistake in the first place given the opportunity costs involved.
You know, you're the typical kind of Singaporean man who demonizes Singaporean women who refuse to lower their standards when it comes to settling for less-than-perfect Singaporean men. Men like you are the problem in Singapore.
I think you've gone too far in claiming that I'm demonising people who have high expectations of their spouse. I pointed out that "there are unmarried people who feel lonely and sad" just like you've argued that there are married people trapped in unhappy marriages. So if you think I'm "demonising" singles with high expectations, then you're equally guilty of demonising married people who lower their expectations.
DeleteWe form opinions based on what we observe. What if I argue that it is bullshit to imagine that married people can be deeply unhappy? You'd say "That's not a fair statement! I've seen couples who are so miserable, such as my sister!" Similarly, you claimed that it is "utter bullshit" to imagine that unmarried people are lonely and sad. I did not imagine that; I've observed that.
(For example, my ex-boss was in her fifties, still single, and perpetually sad and grumpy. I suspect much of her foul disposition is caused by her marital status, since she complains about how no one cares for her, etc. so unmarried people can be lonely and sad.)
I wrote "IF you want to have children... IF this is the case... lower your standards". This means that IF marriage is the least of one's concerns, then they do NOT have to lower their high standards. However, they may not get married and this is where my argument that unmarried people can feel "lonely and sad" fits in. Is one willing to take this risk?
Then I hear you say that it's fine to remain single because one would be unhappy if "s/he lowered his/her standards to the point where s/he married a scoundrel". Let's just say that no one in the right sense of mind would lower his/her standards by so much, so it's rare that one would choose to marry a scoundrel. It's more often that a spouse becomes somewhat of a "scoundrel" later.
But if a potential spouse slightly falls short of one's expectations, then I'd argue that one should lower his/her expectations, in the spirit of tolerance, compromise and understanding (as I explained in earlier comments) to avoid the loneliness of remaining single, considering that our "biological clock is ticking".
What if one's spouse turns out to be difficult to get along with? I don't think divorce is the only way out, but I'm no expert on marriage. I guess like many things in life, marriage has an element of risk vs. reward. You take a risk that your spouse potentially becomes a "scoundrel", for the reward of potentially having a wonderful lifetime companion.
I think you pushed the wrong buttons with me when you tried to claim that being single would lead to unhappiness - I hope we can agree that whether one is single or in a relationship, one can equally be unhappy. A single person may desire the kind of love and romance that s/he just can't find and that may prove to be extremely frustrating - likewise, a married person who settled for a scoundrel may be utterly disappointed that his/her marriage is going oh so wrong.
DeleteIn short, happiness is hard to find. As for your ex-boss, here's a case of cause and effect. Is she single because she is sad, grumpy and no fun to hang out with? Or is she sad, grumpy & no fun to hang out with because she is single? Let's say she meets someone who likes her the way she is and marries her - would she cease being sad and grumpy? Hell no.
We have to deal with our own problems in life and solve them, find our own solutions - it's unrealistic and unfair to expect a spouse to waltz into our lives on a white horse and shiny armour to solve our problems for us. So in the case of your ex-boss, I am guessing that her problems probably run a lot deeper and go way back to her childhood - getting married isn't going to solve or change anything in her case. Marriage isn't going to be the miracle cure.
Hey, thanks for organising all the comments into this useful analytical post. I was getting very confused after reading the numerous comments, by single & married men & women, some with foreign spouses & others with local ones. It was a lot to absorb, but your incisive compilation clarifies & encompasses all the different complaints, opinions & horror stories! Could I ask 2 quick questions:
ReplyDelete1.You mention a mother's desire to feel "needed", giving the example of your mom who does evrything for your nephew. Your mum is an extreme case, but why is it wrong for a maternal figure to want to feel needed by the kids? Not smothering & overbearing, but someone always there when you stumble & fall in life: there must be a point where she can balance the two. Women are natural caregivers & nurturers, so if a woman cant be bothered about whether her children "need" her leaving them to fend for themselves (unless they ask for help), wouldnt she be selfish, not fit to be a mother -& would you have preferred it if yours was like that?
2.Youve established that women who choose foreigners do it for compatibility & not just because they are foreign. By the same token, foreigners who choose locals must have their reasons for deeming Asians more desirable. If you flip the whole Caucasian man / Asian woman paradigm over, somewhere theres bound to be debate among men about why they find Caucasian women unsatisfactory. Lift, since you live in the West & have this world-view that traverses all ethnicities, you must have heard a thing or two. In the interest of further sociological knowledge, could you share some of it? Thanks again!
Hi Lam Toh, allow me to respond to your points.
Delete1. A good mother should do what is right for her children - and there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel needed by the kids, but if feeling needed means creating a situation where the kid is dependent on the mother, then oh no, the mother has done something wrong. She has failed her child as a mother - because she should be considering the importance for the child to become independent and able to function as an adult, rather than her (rather selfish) need to fuel her sense of self-worth by making the child dependent on her.
A good mother should raise a child to be very independent and can then take a step back and say, "there you go, I've raised you to be ready for the big bad world out there, now spread your wings and soar my child." Overbearing mothers do the opposite, they cut off their children's wings so they will never ever learn to fly.
2. I think the fathers amongst my readers would get very angry with you when you claim that women are natural caregivers and nurturers - that's a sexist POV I'm afraid and fathers can be excellent caregivers and nurturers to and there are plenty of mothers who are hopeless at it by the same token!!
3. Given how my mother and I never ever got along when I was under the age of 18, yes I would've rather she took a step back and let me get on with my life - rather than tell me how everything I was going to do was going to lead to disaster, catastrophe and how I was going to be a complete failure etc. She just got in my way in so many ways it was unreal - her idea of parenting was to actively discourage me and tell me how stupid I was (hello? 3 freaking scholarships and nothing but straight As) but she kept telling me I was stupid - why? Oh cos she believed that if she broke my self-confidence, I would feel inferior to others and would feel compelled to work harder than the others. She was a terrible mother in that aspect, just awful. And yes, I would've much rather she did me a favour by taking a step back and saying nothing, instead of constantly discouraging me. I used to argue with her, then I learnt to totally ignore her and shut her out and then as an adult, I was able to tell her, "you were totally wrong, I was right, thank goodness I ignored you" - but yeah, I'm done with punishing her now. She did was she thought was right but fucking hell, her parenting methods suck big time.
4. As for your last question, I hate to cop out but I am going to give you my honest response to it - I think it's ridiculous to try to shove individuals into categories like Angmoh or Asian! We're all individuals and you can't treat us like a monolithic entity.
Even amongst Asians in the west, there are some of us (like myself) who are extremely Westernized in our ways. I speak English as a first language (notice that this blog is in ENGLISH and not Chinese or Malay) and as you can tell from this latest series how progressive and feminist my views are on the issue of gender equality. You can accuse me of being a banana: yellow on the outside, white on the inside - but there you go, you cannot assume that just because I look Chinese and have a Chinese surname that I would necessarily think or behave a certain way.
So when 2 people meet, it is up to them to decide if they have enough chemistry for love to blossom and when that happens, it's best treated on a case by case basis.
Hi LIFT,
DeleteI think you're employing double standards there with Pt 4.
Yes, generalizations dont hold for all individuals, but don't we have to make them in order to analyze things to at least some degree of accuracy? Aren't such generalizations the basis for this article in the first place?
I think Chin is making a valid point there. There does seem an interesting phenomenon of Western men going on the hunt specifically for Asian women. Could it be the seeking of the 'exotic'? Could it be that some Western men with patriarchal mindsets can't handle the individualistic personalities of western women, and are seeking submissive females? Could it be simply acting on the perception of easy sex/companionship (it is undeniable that, personal qualities aside, the fact of being caucasian does provide a good first impression to Singaporean women)
Hi Rocky.
DeleteYes I do generalize - but I am also speaking about my personal experiences and I've always made it clear that what I am saying does not apply to all Singaporean men: well, some do more than others, hence the percentages that comes with the verdict.
As for seeking exotic love interests, mmmm... What you've described, men (of any origin) with patriachal mindset looking for submissive females - interestingly, that was described in an article I read recently about CHINA. In the article, it said that men in Beijing, Shanghai and other big cities did not like their city women who were ambitious, well-educated and career-minded and would rather find a wife from some remote corner of China where they can get a village girl who has never heard of Prada or Gucci. They complained that city women expect a certain kind of lifestyle which is way above what the village girls would demand. And then the city women in Shanghai and Beijing complain that they can't find husbands because they intimidate the men if they are better educated and earn more money than their local men etc.
It's a familiar situation - it is exactly what you've described but it is a uniquely Chinese situation in China. The same thing can be said about any big country where there is a countryside-big city, rural-urban divide. An American man from New York can just as well go to North Dakota to get a country girl who grew up on a farm for his wife.
Likewise, if a white guy came to Singapore looking for a submissive geisha girl, then he's going to be sorely disappointed when he meets our well-educated, ambitious and modern Singaporean women. Heck, if he was after that kind of women, then he would definitely have to go to somewhere rural and there isn't any 'countryside' in Singapore given we're a city state.
i commented in the earlier post and there was a misunderstanding. my friend who is now married is the one who buys underwear, clothes etc for her husband, not his mum! i think she started doing it when they were boyfriend/girlfriend for a while. even then, i find it a bit strange cos i never do it for my husband.
ReplyDeleteas for this post, i think we can cut a bit of slack for guys who don't dress well. sometimes they are really clueless, between a guy who dresses well but is totally obnoxious versus a guy who don't know how to dress but is nice, i think most ladies will choose the guy who don't know how to dress. on the bright side, the lady can always dress him up in a way she likes!
Like Lumos, I also think that we can cut a bit of slack for guys who don't dress well. I'm ok with guys wearing jeans and tees with sandals on first dates...just don't turn up with singlets (or what North Americans call "Wife-beaters" ;) ), shorts and flip-flops. And I too am guilty of sloppy dressing, which I picked up during my university days living in Australia. But on first dates, at least, I'll put in some effort to be presentable and create good first impression. Now, come to think of it, all my friends (be it in Singapore or Canada) are mostly sloppy dressers, especially when we hang out together...tees, shorts and flip-flops. Ok the only exception is when its winter in Canada, where its harder to be sloppy...then again, we hang out in track pants and hoodies. Of course, we will all still dress up when the occasions call for it.
DeleteI definitely value a sloppy dresser with good (definition is up to the individual, since what I consider good may be bad for someone else) character / personality more than a well-dresser with bad character / personality.
Hi Lumos, thanks for the clarification.
DeleteAllow me to speak as a man: you're very forgiving when it comes to clueless men who don't give a shit about fashion but I am not. Having been through the army (I served NS), one learns about strict rules about uniform and whilst there are a range of uniforms in the SAF, there are strict rules about how you should wear the uniform and if you don't wear it properly, you will get into big trouble.
In the corporate world, there are equally strict rules about how you dress - you are allowed to express more individuality than in a uniformed environment, but it is not as if there are no rules: there are. For example, even in Singapore, if a man wears slippers or trainers into the office (say at a bank) whilst everyone is wearing formal shoes, then quite rightfully, you will get into trouble.
Frankly, there's no excuse for being clueless lah. There are rules about fashion and you only need to open your eyes and observe the others around you to see, "oh so that's how people around me dress" - and there's also the internet at our finger tips for us to check what is acceptable and what is not. In short, it takes 5 minutes or less to find out what is fashionable, it doesn't require a 3 year degree course to acquire a sense of fashion.
Such is the difference between a man who is aware of the world around him and a man who is only focussed on himself. It's not about me trying to be the fashion police here, but what I am simply using the way a man dresses as a symptom to his character. If a man can't be bothered about how he dresses vis-a-vis others around him - then tough shit, it's not about him being 'clueless' about fashion, it's about him being self-centred. It is a symptom of a far worse condition when you get beyond the awful clothes.
As for Oblivious' point ... yes we tend to seek out people who are like ourselves, so if you can't be bothered to make an effort for the other party, you may actively seek out someone who feels the same way, rather than someone who will make a face and say, "what the hell are you wearing??!?"
DeleteThen again, the way I see it, that just results in a situation where two people who are making no effort to impress each other hanging out together - which is fine, I can think of friends whom I am like that with. I have a friend Richard who would always ring my doorbell randomly with no warning (like hello? Text me first at least?!) and I'll be like, yeah come up I look like an utter mess right now because I wasn't expecting guests but you're here so you may as well come in. I'm not going to say, "Richard, come back in 10 minutes after I have dressed up for you." Hell no, he's just a mate I hang out with.
But such is the difference between a friend and a lover - I'd like to think that you'd make more of an effort to impress a lover than a mate, a chum you just hang out with. Such is romance, it's about making an effort to make the other person feel special and that does mean trying to impress them. Is romance dead?
LOL...maybe we (my bf and I) are the exception then... When we started dating (in winter), we were often in jeans and tees under winter jackets. Ok, our attire was still neat and tidy. By the time Summer arrived, we were so comfortable together that we always hangout in shorts, tees and sandals. I admit that I'm a sloppy dresser outside of work and thankfully, my bf is equally sloppy. We are compatible that way.
DeleteIMHO, it takes a lot more than just dressing to impress. And my definition of Romance is different from yours. In my comment to your previous blog "The truth about men in Singapore (Part 2)", I've given my definition of Romance. Let me reproduce it here:
"...And when I say romance, I don’t mean the fairy-tale romance of candle light dinner, flowers, etc. I find romance in talking about anything and everything under the sun with my boyfriend, me washing the dishes while he dries them, taking a long stroll holding hands after dinner, watching some chick-flick movie on the couch together (it’s a sacrifice from my bf’s perspective as he hates watching chick-flick and I love him for the sacrifice), etc. It’s all the intangible little things that a couple do together that make things romantic."
Yes, I dress up when the occasion calls for it. I dress professionally for work, formally for wedding dinner, and appropriately for company functions depending on the required dress code, etc. And my bf is sloppy even at work (he's in IT) But he will dress appropriately for weddings, company functions ,etc.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm not critical of a person's appearance as long as he/she is neatly dressed at first meeting. I guess my expectation is low by your standards. ;)
Like I said, there is the human tendency to seek out the familiar - so we are naturally drawn to people who are similar to ourselves, rather than those who are quite different in their ways. I went on a course recently and there was a diverse mix of men and women from different backgrounds and naturally, I found myself talking to those whom I clicked with more easily: university educated, working professionals who were younger. It's what we do - we only have that much time for socializing so we naturally go for people whom we think we'll get along with better: if you wish to apply that instinct to your love life, then all I can say is I wish you every happiness - whom am I to judge what you wanna do with your life? As long as you're happy, I say, good for you and good luck for the future, I wish you all the best :)
Delete(Erm, yes your expectations are low by my standards, but whom am I to tell you where you should set the bar? As long as you are happy.)
I agree with LIFT here that by dressing smartly for your date, it speaks of the effort you have put in for the other party. Of course, I am not saying to take it to the next level like this interestingly eye-opening article on Yahoo today: http://news.yahoo.com/korean-men-makeup-foundation-success-051134289.html. But be honest, guys, if your dream girl turned up on the first date dressed like Ugly Betty, what would your reaction be?
DeleteOf coz when it comes to the usual hanging out with your friends, it's ok to dress down; hell, I do that all the time. But we are talking about dressing up for the occasion, which in this case, would be the first date for instance. And these men do know how to dress up for the office and how to dress up for an interview, for instance, so you can't exactly say they are completely clueless either.
Hi Jen!! I laughed out aloud and loved the part where you wrote: "But be honest, guys, if your dream girl turned up on the first date dressed like Ugly Betty, what would your reaction be?"
DeleteCoz it's so true.
It's not about being clueless - it's about whether or not you can be bothered to make an effort (in this case, for your girlfriend or your potential gf).
While I'm not about to go on a "mother-bashing" session here, I can identify with many of the things you've listed about your mother's parenting gone wrong. I have one more to add the list -- my mother's perchance to rein me in when I want to "overachieve".
ReplyDeleteI've realised recently that my mother is rather passive in life. She doesn't like to be proactive and she actually discouraged me from getting a scholarship to study overseas. Somehow, I ignored her and went ahead with it. Arguably the best decision I've ever made, if you ask me. I think if I have told her my plans to work overseas once my bond ends, she will chastise me for that again. I've learnt to keep my own plans close to my heart and not tell her. Sad to say, I'm closer with my friends than with my parents. They know stuff about me that my parents do not.
I guess my point is that if a person knows what he wants in life, believes in his decisions and goes ahead with it, it will help to grow him when he fails or succeeds.
Correct. Thanks for your empathy.
DeleteMy mother was terrified about me having to deal disappointment - she even discouraged me from applying for scholarships because she said there was a high chance I wouldn't get a scholarship (which is true, so many applicants, so few scholarships) and she wouldn't want to deal with me sad and disappointed if I didn't get the scholarship. And she was like, "don't say I didn't warn you, if you still insist on applying then go ahead, but don't expect me to do anything when you don't get your scholarship." Fucking hell, she was beyond tactless, she was bloody clueless as a parent.
The right response should've been to prepare the right words to say when your child fails in such an attempt, like, "I still believe in you, I know you're bright and you're going to be successful in life whether or not you get this scholarship or not, you must believe in your own ability whether or not this scholarship comes through." But because of some fucked up Asian notion that this would tantamount to 'praising' your child and thus would make me big headed, complacent and lazy, she would rather just tell me that I am so stupid that I wouldn't get the scholarship so I would expect to fail and when you expect to fail, you wouldn't be disappointed when you do fail.
Thank goodness I recognized from the start that she was utterly terrible and totally hopeless as a parent when it came that kind of communication. I argued with her up till the age of like 14, then I shut her out and ignored her after that because it was like, "yeah I know you hate me and wanna drag me down to your level but I am not going to give you the satisfaction of breaking my spirit and I am going to annoy you by being so ambitious and confident about myself, so what are you gonna do about that?"
This is why people have accused me (in real life and on my blog) of being obnoxiously confident and not being modest - but few of them realized that this was an act in direct defiance to my mother who didn't believe in me at all. It was like, okay if my parents don't believe in me, then tough shit, I am not going to cry, I am going to believe in myself as an act of utter defiance and prove them wrong. That's just the person I am.
So Lawliet, regardless of what you want to do in the future, learn to believe in yourself, never seek approval from your parents. You don't need it and trying to seek it will only lead to pain and disappointment if we have the same kind of parents.
Great post. As a Singaporean who fscked off to New York for 9 years after ORD (back in SG now), I substantively agree with your points. But how do you write this post without mentioning "This Be The Verse" by Phillip Larkin?
ReplyDeletehttp://www.artofeurope.com/larkin/lar2.htm for those who don't know Larkin.
DeleteYeah, that's why I refuse to have children - I had such a terrible relationship with my parents that they have well and truly put me off parenting for life. The scary thing is that Larkin is right - they didn't deliberately try to fuck me up, oh no - they had even more bullshit from their own parents who were event more fucked up. Like my dad's mother hated my mother so much because she wanted my dad to marry a nice Hakka girl but he chose to marry a Hokkien woman and I'm like, my grandmother is fucked up, like she is seriously fucking nuts and I don't like her one bit and when she died I just said 'meh' and felt no sadness because I never forgave her for the way she hated my mother. That should show you how fucked up my father's parents were and good grief, my mom's parents were no better (don't get me started on my mother's mother's mistakes!!).
Ironically, my parents had the best of intentions for me but they messed up soooo badly when it came to parenting 101 that from the age of 14, I started a cold war with them that never really ended until I was like 30 when I was like, "I'm 100% right, you were 100% wrong, you'll never admit it, but you're gonna die soon so I'm going to move on and get to know you again before you die". Anyway, me moving away from Singapore since 1997 has allowed them to fight with my sister instead - groan. Instead of my cold war tactics, she has active engagement and shouting arguments with them.
The scariest thought is this: what if I had a child, did my best for him/her (as I am sure my parents did) and the child then turns around and says, "I hate you, you fucked me up for life, you were a terrible parent" - then what? Not a risk I wanna take, esp after having experience this myself. No way.
Is it any wonder that amongst me and my 2 siblings, only 1 sister decided to have children whilst 2 of us have said "NO WAY" to the thought of having children.
I love this bit.
ReplyDelete"Let's be fair to the Singaporean men - their parents have fucked them up. Big time. Yes we can blame the parents. You can't expect them to go from "don't talk to girls, they will distract you from your studies and make you lose everything you've worked so hard to achieve" to "quick, get a girlfriend, marry her and have children!" It's too sudden a change, it's too big a challenge for the poor Singaporean geek who has never ever had a girlfriend in his life."
Good thing I didn't believe in that bit, as well. I hope I can just be supportive and let them make their own mistakes. Hopefully, it won't be too major a mistake...
The difficulty for me in being a parent is trying to find the balance between coddling them because, there is this protective urge, and letting them go and skin their knees and break their hearts because it'll let them experience more.
Our previous generation did what they thought was the best for us, but times have changed.
Thanks Green Ogre - there is a fine balance but if you never let your children practice flapping their wings, how will they ever learn to fly?
DeleteThe problem in Singapore is the double whammy of: an obsession with academic achievement + kiasuism = parents trying to do everything possible to maximize their children's academic achievements and somehow in that context, it was deemed that any kind of romantic encounter (aka 'BGR' in Singaporean English) would be a distraction... I see computer games as far more of a threat than BGR - but parents somehow feel less threatened by the Playstation or Wii. Don't ask me why!!
The fact is that trying to develop any kind of romantic, emotional relationship with anyone is very difficult and you can't be expected to be thrown in the deep end and find the perfect soul mate to spend the rest of your life with without having some practice. Maybe in our parents' days, they had a sense of duty to settle down and reproduce without paying any heed to love, romance or feelings - but like you say, times have changed!
Actually I believe that cultivating manners and EQ are more important than raw grades. You can't always find a leader but you can hire brains.
DeleteFrom my own experience...
ReplyDeleteAccusation 1: Singaporean men are tied to their mother's apron strings
Verdict: 10% true. All the Singaporean men I have dated know are able to cook - or make the effort to do so, do domestic chores etc. Especially when they dote on you - they would do it. :)
Accusation 2: Singaporean men are sexist and are stuck in the last century.
Verdict: 0% true - all Singaporean men I have dated respect me. And it says a lot, as I am ambitious and headstrong.
Accusation 3: Singaporean men are stingy, especially on dates.
Verdict: 0% true - so far all of my Sg dates insisted on paying for dates.
Accusation 4: Singaporean men dress badly and put no effort into their appearances
Verdict: 99% true - same verdict as you. I think some do try...but fail badly. But I think they are groom-able and are open to suggestions.
Having said all these, there are some turn-offs for me when it comes to Singaporean men: lack of general knowledge(knowledge about world affairs and politics), too practical(monetary goals cant be the only life goal-makes life too empty..), not being able to form their own opinion/not being able to present their opinions well.
Accusation 5: Singaporean men may "look good on paper", but turn out to be lousy lovers.
Verdict: 10% true - romance is making more out of things you have/are experiencing. When you are in love, even a simple text to say "I miss you" can be sooo romantic ;) I dont think we need a fancy dinner, expensive gifts to define romance.
Well, the verdict percentages were not meant to be taken seriously, so if I for example give a 50% verdict, that means there's a 50-50 chance whether or not a random man you pick would be afflicted by this condition. However, as a smart, discerning and perceptive woman - the fact that you have successfully picked the winners over the losers is credit to your ability to pick wisely. However, I think we have to disagree on some points: for example, accusation no. 3 about Singaporean men being stingy on dates - that's not me passing judgement - that's me basing it on the horror stories of the other women here who have shared. What this tells me is that some of these other who shared their horror stories have made some pretty bad choices in terms of whom to date - whilst you have triumphed by avoiding or saying no to losers who would have made horrible dates, hence you don't have any 'horror stories' per se.
Delete"Having said all these, there are some turn-offs for me when it comes to Singaporean men: lack of general knowledge(knowledge about world affairs and politics), too practical(monetary goals cant be the only life goal-makes life too empty..), not being able to form their own opinion/not being able to present their opinions well."
DeleteI really agree with this. Perhaps it's the emphasis put on scoring well for exams by parents growing up. Many Singaporean men are not interested to know anything more about the world around them unless it has a direct advantage to the lives (usually monetary). And they say they women are too materialistic. often they can't grasp why one has causes. This makes them very poor conversationalist. They can be the sweetest men but how do you spend a lifetime with someone you can't have an intelligent conversations with.
Sounds like you have a horror story or 2 to share my friend! Go on spill the beans, you're amongst friends here ... ;)
DeleteI would say that a lot of these things you and your readers have pointed out are due to a lack of savoir-faire. Upon hearing some of these stories, I was somewhat shocked as most Singaporean guys I know wouldn't behave like that (although I can definitely imagine some, probably quite a large proportion, actually, doing so) - a response attributable to different social circles having different codes of behaviour.
ReplyDeleteWhich brings us back to your point about it being largely the fault of the parenting. Definitely a large factor as most Singaporean parents seem to care more about their children studying hard and doing well than actually having the social skills to succeed in life. Perhaps some parents think that social skills will come naturally. More likely they aren't even aware of it being a factor.
Nonetheless, there are many different social classes in Singapore, some of which are so-called well-bred and well-mannered. Certainly a minority, because most people don't even factor them into such discussions. These are the groups that had more chances at social interaction in their youth, I presume. Or some of it, maybe even most of it, is genetic (predispositions for empathy and social skills, often correlated with extroversion and confidence).
Now when we make the claim that Singaporean men (to generalise) lack romantic savoir-faire, are we also making the claim that some Oriental cultures (Singaporean, Chinese) lack that savoir-faire relative to Occidental ones? Some sociologists might claim that romance is itself a Western concept (romantic love is universal among humans, but arranged marriages were after all the norm in the East up until fairly recently). Others will suppose that our modernised society fits the social structures of the West and hence such savoir-faire comes into play. Others might simply chalk it to differences in social freedoms leading to different rates of progress in the art (and science) of social interaction. Valid points. I would also propose that since Oriental cultures are more implicit than Occidental ones, what has happened is that social knowhow is not directly communicated, and hence those with better social intelligence are able to notice and correct their mistakes and figure out how to act, whereas those without as much social intelligence are not merely doomed to repeat their mistakes; they are doomed to not even know they are making mistakes. And this lack of insight pretty much describes a lot of the stories posted so far.
With this globalisation/clash of cultures thing going on nowadays, Singaporeans are being exposed to both Western and Eastern ideas. And a lack of certain things in our culture and men has become increasingly obvious, to girls and women at least. The mismatch of expectations, between women's expectations of how men should behave and men's expectations of how they should act, is then driving this conflict.
Well then, surely an important factor whilst looking for love is to find someone who is on the same wavelength as you culturally. In this day and age, it would be silly to assume that someone would be on the same wavelength as you just because they're from the same country. I can't tell you just how out of synch I am with my parents in terms of our wavelengths ...
DeleteSigh.....the 'Parent bashing' is saddening me for the simple reason that it's too true, and as I open up with some close friends, I find many have the same experience! So it's not just us, guys, that have messed up parents that we managed to ignore in order to develop n succeed in our own lives! Anyone old enough to remember 'joy luck club' where one of the characters bemoans the power her small minded n prejudiced mom has over her? ('one word from u is like a curse') must b something about Chinese moms......so kudos to those who have broken away from the terrible bonds of 'Asian/Chinese parental love'
ReplyDeleteMy cousin was complaining to me along the same lines....that actually our GRANDparents have a lot to answer for for raising such a bunch of .....mad screw ups! Then it occurred to us, that our grandparents were probably very slightly educated if at all and in that era, u just pushed 'em out as soon as they popped and if u kept their bellies full, u were a great parent!!! Not surprising the dialect word for 'bring up' is 'rear', as in chickens or pigs.
So I say, we who have escaped the clutches of terrible, wrong minded emotional selfish parenting, do just the opposite and have some lovely, balanced children whom we do not hold back or guilt out and break the cycle of stupidity!!!
You know what the most tragic part is? I don't think there are any Chinese parents who have set out to deliberately sabotage their kids, like "I'm gonna fuck my kids up real bad" - hell no. They had the best of intentions, but still delivered terrible results. The received wisdom is that we should recognize the good intentions and forgive the bad results in that light - which seems like the only real choice left to us really; what is the alternative I ask you?
DeleteI'm afraid our generation is not that much better - my sister has convinced my nephew that the sun shines out of his rear end and he is unbelievably spoilt and is selfish beyond belief. She's created a monster - why? She wanted to show, by example, that she was a different kind of mother. She was going to do everything that her own mother never did for her - tell her son that she loved him, hug him, praise him, kiss him, buy him nice gifts etc. Except of course, she has gone way too far in the opposite direction and good grief, I am not sure which generation has screwed up more: my sister or my mother. Clearly, parenting instinct doesn't run in my family for our track record is quite frankly appallingly bad. Shockingly bad. Like for parenting 101, they both score 0/10.
With parents like these (http://sg.news.yahoo.com/the-ugly-singaporean-parent----demanding--unreasonable--self-centred.html), I'm not too hopeful.
DeleteCrikey!! Horror stories galore in that link!!
DeleteLImpeh, I don't know u but I m still concerned for the day one of your family reads any of this.....not worth the angst n anger that will arise! Prudence, brudder!!!
ReplyDeleteHahahaha. OK, my parents don't use the internet so they won't read this. I have 2 sisters, one reads everything on this blog and she hasn't told me to censor everything and the other one (ie. the one with the child) is waaaaay too busy to do something like reading my blog. Priorities lah, she has to do her duties as a mother and a wife whilst holding down a job - where got time to read my blog? I don't even think she knows that I have a blog and even if she does read it, I'll be like, so what? Nothing you don't know already, you know exactly how I feel about these issues.
Deletehi LP;
ReplyDeletehow about writing with what's wrong with Singaporean women? Something to think about yeah? I know the ladies would be protesting but we do have our fair share of nightmare dates too? haha
For instance, since the guys don't cook and do housework, you know quite an increasing number of ladies in our generation also do not cook and do housework. So when the said pair get together, there's going to be a bit of tension there..... the castle in the air (HDB flat) does not clean itself!
You know, having said that Singaporean men are pampered by their mothers, can we also apply it to the ladies ? Their mothers also do housework for them and their daddies ferry them around by car. Some of them would not absolutely take public transport if they could not afford it!
This reminds me of a little incident, me and my pals was out for drinks at a local nightspot and he received an sms from his girlfriend, she had dropped off work late and needed some help as she was lugging some stuff home. Now knowing that there were drinks involved, my pal had left his car at home! Now the said gf asked him to go home (in the middle of our drinks session), get the car and then pick her up at her workplace! my pal said no and later on we found out that it sorta escalated into a big fight! wah lau eh, this is like such a case of qian jin siao jie lor... really stupid right? you can probably connect the dots later on, friend not happy, atmosphere took a nose dive.... damn fucked up. Probably the parents too? Everything also give way to the girl.
Anyway this is just a spin off suggestion for your consideration la it's your blog. Said friend is a bit of a dweeb anyway so he likes to please his woman.
speaking of zhong nan qin nu, there is also the reverse! zhong nu qin nan. Another pal grew up with 2 elder sisters and as he grew up he was bullied (as in PHYSICALLY) by them! when he complain to his parents, he was just told "be a man and take it". I mean, similanjiao? If I were him I would say I'm being manhandled here lor! Don't know whether he would end up with an abusive gf. Ever seen that poor sod having his nuts kicked by his gf on youtube? pfffft
In order to do that, I need plenty of horror stories from S'porean men. My Singaporean female LIFTers have given me the raw material for this post ... if you want me to do a post from the other angle (ie. from the male angle), then I need stories from men like you. Thanks.
DeleteHi Limpeh,
ReplyDelete(Wrote up a response 2 days ago but it just disappeared before I managed to post, so re-writing again).
Anyway, wanted to say that this article is why I enjoy reading your blog. You just have a way of coming across objective and balanced, though I can also feel quite a bit of it is biting as well. I just want to provide my POV, as a Singaporean male, as I feel that this topic, whenever it crops up, is often quite skewed in favour of the women. As if, men in Singapore are the total scum and lowest of the lowest of all men. So, I second DeepOne's suggestion to do an equivalent series about women. Should be balanced mah.
Many of the criticisms of SG men that you have cited are quite true and valid (especially being unromantic, which I will gladly put up my hand to), but I don't agree that they are issues of SG men alone. But really one of perspective, and in fact, if I may be blunt about it (and I am sure many women will disagree), says a lot about the psyche of women of some women who subconsciously still desire to play the role of the weaker sex.
Starting with the issue of dependency on mothers and families. I agree with you that this has a lot to do with men not moving out, learning to be independent, etc. But is it really only men who are like that? I know of single women in their 30s and 40s (my sister-in-law is one of them) who are similarly dependent on their families and absolutely refuse to lift a finger to help with the household chores, even though the mother has been worked to the bone, the family has no domestic help. She has been threatened, screamed at, pleaded with, scolded to chip in, but nothing works.
Ultimately, this has nothing to do with being a man or woman. Anyone who has never been taught or forced to be independent (living alone, moving abroad, getting married), will become like that. As Limpeh soundly advised, just avoid such men (and female) like plague. I just don't see grounds to extrapolate this criticisms to ALL men.
(continuing...)
ReplyDeleteOn SG men being stingy on dates and being unromantic... I don't know if men are the only ones being stingy, or is it because of the subconscious expectation by some women to be treated nicely and pampered.
It's what I meant by the weaker sex role. In this age, women can't have their cake and eat it: you can't expect to be pampered / treated as a princess ("it's the thing that men should do to their gf / wife mah!"), and yet, demand to be treated equally in everything else. I know this sounds sexist, but if you want to play the role of the protected, pampered, taken care of, then over time, you will be treated as the weaker sex by b**tard men. That is a fact, harsh but true.
When I was in university, there were these girls (well-educated some more) who get courted by different guys, who will offer to do things like fetching them, taking them out on a ride, help them with errands, etc. All normal cos this is what men will do when they are interested in someone.
But the problem is these girls will gladly accept, KNOWING very well these guys liked them, AND also knowing very well they are not likely to reciprocate. Essentially, just taking advantage of the interest and gestures of offer. Over time, of cos these guys will not think of them as equals. It only perpetuates this feeling that women like to play the 'weaker sex' card, and wish to be treated as such.
Anyway, on being pampered / pampering, it is also a two-way street. As much as SG men fare badly at the 'romantic' pampering stuff (I agree cos I am one of them!), there are also men who feel that SG women are not feminine enough, compared to women in China / Taiwan / etc.
I guess this is quite normal and expected of a society that is more equal (still not totally equal of course) between the genders in terms of education & opportunities. Women no longer need to play that subservient role, and they should not. But it is hypocritical to expect all these from men when SG women themselves lack it as well.
There was also a comment about SG men lacking general knowledge, etc. I don't know how this is so in this person's social circle. Among all my friends, the women are the ones who are hopeless, clueless and relatively less interested in such things. But they tend to be from very different educational backgrounds from myself. It is a matter of the social circle you choose to mix with.
If, for example (and I am generalizing a lot here), you are a female social science graduate, and you choose to hang out with male accountants / engineers, then surely you can't expect a lot of common or shared interests in politics, social affairs, etc. Not that they wouldn't have these interests, but they are just more likely to have other and very different interests and passions from yours.
Just a final comment about poor fashion sense of SG men, is it natural to expect men here to be as fashionably conscious as men in Korea, Japan, HK, etc? The weather here just does not promote that need and sensitivity towards fashion. Can men here dress better and neater? Sure, but I don't see why we need to be apologetic for not wearing swankily in our weather. Why women can then? I don't know, they just like clothes and fashion more. Does this mean we men must also like clothes and fashion just as much meh? Why is computer gaming wrong and being fashion-conscious right (I just feel like being provocative here!).
And, if you end up going out with a man who dressed sloppily to the date, you have only yourself to blame. If you (i) don't know the person well enough, (ii) can't tell from your initial interactions if he will be a fashion disaster, and (iii) YET you chose to go out with him, then you really have no business saying yes to the date. Just chalk it down to your own bad judgement, or treat it as a learning. But don't extend the whole criticism to all men in Singapore. Women honestly need to take more responsibility for their own failings.
Thank you so much for your insights - very interesting, well presented and you are very reasonable. I will definitely do a post from the male POV now I think I do have enough material to work with, thanks to you.
DeleteY'know why I did this article? It was prompted originally by an extremely sexist, insulting comment by a Singaporean man, attacking S'porean women on social media http://limpehft.blogspot.co.uk/2012/09/love-xenophobia-in-singapore.html , I only did this series of articles with the quirky angle, a man writing from the female POV whilst obviously sympathetic with the women's predicament. I have more than achieved that and done something original in the Sg blosohpere (as evident by the amount of traffic this has attracted to my blog), because sure there are pro-women articles out there but they are all written by women and men are either silent or often sexist.
But yes, I appreciate your very reasonable POV and will work on a follow up for you. Probably need a bit of time as I'm kinda busy at the moment.
I am definitely looking forward to you doing that! If it doesn't contribute to gender equality or understanding, it will at least be a hoot to read! Cheers.
DeleteMy next article will be on the anti-Japanese protests in China ... in the meantime, if you have anything else on the issue of SG women, please share the stories and your views here, thanks.
DeleteJust want to share a quote from this interesting video. As the female host paraphrased, "Cooking for us outside the kitchen leads to 'cooking' in the bedroom."
ReplyDeletehttp://screen.yahoo.com/mistakes-men-make-in-the-bedroom-30190870.html;_ylt=ApymirvXLnF4prB0sECdPcRXc0Iv;_ylu=X3oDMTJhYnJpbzNzBG1pdANTZXggYW5kIFJlbGF0aW9uc2hpcHMgUGxheWxpc3QEcGtnAzMwMTkwODcwBHBvcwM3BHNlYwNNZWRpYVBsYXlsaXN0QmFy;_ylg=X3oDMTA1bmkzZDc4BHRlc3QD;_ylv=3?pb_list=9a60e27d-34e4-4ac3-a3cb-300b90fc75e3
Re: men not dressing well enough for dates, you typed: "I can't really be bothered to make an effort for this date, it's not important to me, I don't give a shit about impressing you, in fact, I really don't give a flying fuck about what you think, you're so not important to me woman."
ReplyDeleteIronically, it is exactly this type of behaviour that is actually attractive to women (fuck what they say, it's about what they do). It's not the tardiness per se that is appealing, but the awesomeness to not 1) give a fuck and 2) be in awe of a mere woman and 3) worship the ground she walks on. It projects strength, though perhaps it needs to be done in a manner that shows that you care about her yet you wouldn't let her expectations of you dictate how you carry yourself.
The biggest problem with dating in general, and I can assure you that this problem exists in Singapore as well, is that men seek validation; everything they do and say is to convince the woman to like them. Too weak and submissive. Once you get rid of this approval-seeking mentality, and treat her as no more special than an ordinary friend, you will fare much better in dating.
Source: my experience with women, and I've slept with my fair share of them and rejected many relationship offers from girls. Also, I've written a status update on this issue as well that at least 88 people agree with: https://www.facebook.com/tanjyeyee/posts/10151035891705886.
I see your point - but then again, I think a balance has to be struck. Yes there is an element of truth to being assertive and not constantly seeking the woman's approval, but then again, making an effort to look good is not so much something we do for others, but also for yourself.
DeleteI've seen people in the street who have absolutely made ZERO effort to make themselves look presentable to anyone - like their hair is in a mess, they've not shaven and they smell so bad (like dude, get s shower, soap and hot water!) and they have bad breath (brush your teeth - it's toothpaste + toothbrush, available from your local supermarket). And you see people like that and you think fucking hell, you've given up on life, haven't you?
So it' not so much that we're desperately trying to impress everyone we meet, but then again, you wanna look good because you take pride in your appearances and wanna like what you see in the mirror.
I am a singaporean male, and I have to agree with this lady's blog.
ReplyDeleteSingaporean men are unattractive on several levels.
- Mindset - Myopic. "Singapore is the center of the world" and "Money buys all. It's okay if I'm Fat and chubby as long as I'm rich". But yet they complain when the woman is materialistic because all they did was bait the Gold diggers. Which leads us to the next point..
- No physical attractiveness - Obesity is on the rise with many Singapore men (and women if I might add) too lazy to play sports or gym and not caring how they look - since money buys all eh? (See previous point).
- No dress sense - Flops and slippers and T shirts. Need I say more?
- Inarticulate and without style and finesse - Apart from crude and rough behavior (like sitting cross legged bare foot on the chair in a restaurant like china men do), many local men pride themselves in using Singlish. I'm not saying we should speak with a fake accent, but speak clearly and articulately. What you say is a reflection of your inner world. And most local men have dull and boring inner worlds. Super unattractive.
That about sums up my observation of most Singapore men who are not only unattractive but with unattractive spouses or girlfriends. Sorry guys, but I have to agree with the lady who wrote this blog. She speaks the truth.
A man wrote this blog, not a lady!
Delete