Love & xenophobia in Singapore

I was wondering if I wanted to respond to this very silly story about Singaporean women dating white expats, but then I thought, heck we all need something silly to take our minds off work sometimes! In the article, it was reported that Singaporean women "find Singaporean men too childish, dependent and lack ambition. In contrast, Caucasians are more mature, independent and are driven by goals."

Of course and article like that would attract a lot of very stupid responses from Singaporean men, such as James Wong who wrote, "Dun say Singapore men are not good... U all craving for longer dick tats all, y dun u ladies reflect on yourselves.. So F...... Greedy and so realistic.. all care about money... dun become Singaporean la.. only know how to bring shame on us only...."

Limpeh in Stokcholm, Sweden - that's a small Swedish dick.

LOL, with men like James Wong in Singapore, is there any wonder why local women are choosing white guys over locals? Given that the first thing James talks about is penis size, one wonders just how utterly small his penis is. Oh and how poor he is as well, given that he is resentful about money as well. Oh dear, James Wong, tut tut tut, why are you telling the world that you are poor and have a small penis? You really shouldn't be telling the world things like that on the internet. Tut tut.

Why would a woman (Singaporean or otherwise) deliberately choose a man with a) a small penis and b) very little money? I'm not saying that such men will not find love, but they need to have something really special to be able to make up for both of those factors. I wonder what James Wong expects - an arranged marriage? Did he expect his parents to find him a match, or does he accept that he needs to get on the dating scene and impress the woman he likes? I wonder what kind of date a woman can expect with him - I suspect there will be no red roses nor romantic dinners in nice restaurants. He'll probably thinks he is generous if he lets her share his ice kachang at the hawker centre. Don't expect him to buy you your own ice kachang.

In an earlier post, I talked about how Singaporean men have put up with the inherently unfair system of burdening them with the responsibility of serving national service (with years of reservists obligations to come after that) - there seems to be this unconditional loyalty on the part of Singaporean who simply do what they are asked to do, whether or not it seems fair. There are a small number like me who have decided, "fuck this shit, I'm not taking this PAP crap, I'm outta here, see ya suckers, I'll send you a post card from London." But by and large, the vast majority of Singaporean men have simply bent over and allowed the government to fuck them over and over again.

Perhaps James Wong expected the same kind of unconditional loyalty on the part of Singaporean women - to settle for local men regardless of their relative wealth or penis size. After all, Singaporean men have made the ultimate sacrifice - serving national service so Singaporean women don't have to, should they be rewarded with the unconditional affection of the local women? Apparently, James Wong thinks so - but the local women disagree. Tut tut, things are not going well for James Wong, are they?

To be fair, in both Asia and the West, you will find the full spectrum of men in terms of earning power and penis size. It is a fallacy to assume that white guys are rich and well hung - indeed, when you first date a white guy, you might want to check what he has in his underwear and his bank account before making any assumptions. In Singapore, yes you have men who are both well endowed and rich - but that's the thing about Asian culture, we don't go around boasting about things like that. It's just not the polite thing to do. You wouldn't hear anyone trying "Hi there, wanna see my big cock?" as a chat up line in Singapore.

The one thing about Singaporean men is the tendency for them to continue living with their parents way into their 30s. It's hardly romantic when you can't even curl up on the sofa and share a tub of ice cream when the rest of his family is observing your every move. Awwwkkwwwaard. Likewise, a woman would have little faith in a boyfriend who still depends on his mother for everything from cooking to laundry to housekeeping. The first thought that crosses her mind would be: geez, am I expected to do all this for him when we get married? Is he going to yell, "Darling have you seen my loafers? Where did you keep my loafers? Can you bring me my loafers now?"

It's not just white expats who don't live with their parents. I observe that just across the border in Malaysia - the situation is rather different. It is very common indeed Malaysians to leave their home towns when they find a job in another city or to move to a different state to attend university there. It simply comes with the territory when you consider just how big Malaysia is, it is hardly surprising and whilst there are some Malaysians who do choose to study, work and live in their home towns, many have studied or worked in another town or state. Singapore on the other hand, is so small it is possible to go from Changi to Boon Lay in just over an hour - so technically speaking, Singaporeans never have to move away from their parents the way the Malaysians do.

One does wonder then, if Singaporean women might view Malaysian men in the same light as white expatriates when many of them face the same challenges in having to lead very independent lives far away from their parents? Certainly, my mother was one such Singaporean woman who married a Malaysian man - my father.

Let me tell you a story about my parents' marriage - my dad is Hakka, my mother is Hokkien. My poor mum suffered so much because my dad's mother objected to their marriage on the grounds that she wanted my dad to marry a woman who was also Hakka. Did she get over the fact that my dad had made up his mind and was going to marry my mother regardless of how ridiculous my grandmother was? No. My late grandmother remained stubborn and extremely cruel to my mother right till the day she died. She hated my mother, for no other reason that the fact that she was Hokkien and not Hakka. My late grandmother was utterly unreasonable and it was just as well that she lived in Malaysia and we lived in Singapore and we didn't have to see her and put up with her bullying behaviour.

My mother had a monster-in-law. 

I remember how annoyed she was about the fact that I speak Hokkien fluently but not a word of Hakka. Don't gimme any of that Asian values bullshit about oh you cannot say bad things about your late grandmother. If my grandmother wanted me to respect our Chinese or Asian values, then she shouldn't have behaved in such an evil manner. My grandmother bullied my mother because she was a ... erm, I'm not even sure what word to use - racist isn't quite the word that comes to mind as they're both as Chinese as they come though I've never heard the word 'dialectist' before. But you know what I mean. Xenophobia is comes in all shapes and forms.

My parents got married back in the 1960s - given that it is 2012 today, I'd like to think that we live in much more enlightened times. I'd like to think that a Singaporean can marry a white person, a black person, anyone s/he wishes as long as they're in love and the rest of the country can look at the happy couple and wish them every happiness. And if someone else decides to date a person of a different ethnicity, nationality or religion, it is really none of your fucking business, so you Singaporeans should fuck right off and mind your own fucking business.

After all, we're on this quest to find that elusive soul mate who will be on the same wavelength as yourself - now there is absolutely no guarantee that you're likely to find that soul mate near where you grew up. This is 2012 and modern technology has changed the way we interact. I get along with people who share the same interests with me, not the people who come from the same place as I do - given that I speak English as a first language, it allows me to communicate with most of the world anyway. Heck, it's not like I speak only Hokkien and nothing else. We should focus on what we share in common with others, not the differences.

Time to focus on what we all share in common, our shared humanity!

I have read a Singaporean wrote that s/he was afraid to date anyone foreign because of the differences in culture as that may impede communication and understanding - that is so wrong on so many levels! How can you not be interested in your partner's culture and language and thus make a real effort to bridge the gap? That is such a self-centred view of the world. Haven't you met anyone different but fascinating enough for you to want to sit down with them and say, "You're so interesting, tell me all about you, I wanna learn all about you please." In any case, I know plenty of Singaporeans who married other locals and have ended up in unhappy marriages and divorce - why? Because marrying someone local doesn't mean you will be on the same wavelength - it takes a lot more than that for love to blossom and I get the feeling a lot of these bad choices were made to please their parents rather than themselves. Tsk tsk.

I've seen my mother put up with so much awful 'dialectist' bullying all these years and no, it is not cool, it is not acceptable and we can do so much better as a tolerant, progressive society. This is why I have to speak up when I observe this kind of xenophobia and say that it is absolutely wrong.  I have actually touched upon this in an earlier post - you can read it here. So, what is your take on the issue? Are you a Singaporean dating a non-Asian person? What are your experiences? Leave a comment below, let's hear what you have to say, thanks.