Q&A: The Singaporean-Chinese identity crisis

Now this has been something on my mind for a while and there was a comment from one of my readers which prompted me to write this piece. It was only a one liner really and s/he said (in reference to Chinese people):

CK17 July 2012 04:32 "5000 years of civilisation does not make one civilised."

Well, that prompted quite a rant from me in reply, but I paused for a moment and remember something I saw and liked on Facebook recently. Allow me share this with you please.

Ah the wise words of George Carlin. I love the line, "Being Irish isn't a skill, it's a fuckin' genetic accident." Let me share with you something that happened recently and how I related the incident to my mother. It's one of those long stories so I ask for your patience for there is a punchline at the end that's worth waiting for.

Now I have to be very careful as to what I am able to say here as I have don't want my employers to get pissed off about me talking about their guests on my blog, so I have to keep it fairly vague. Those of you who have read my previous post on the Joshua Bell effect would know that yes I did manage to get some work at the Olympics as a corporate host for one of the sponsors. I wanted to get involved in the 2012 Olympics and you can read the whole story here. Now as you know, an event like the Olympics have many big corporate sponsors and each one of those sponsors are staging many corporate promotion events in conjunction with the Olympics to promote their brand. I have managed to get a contract with the PR company of one of these important sponsors (sorry I can't name them as I am still officially working for them part time throughout the Olympics). I am working with them as a corporate host at their events for their VIPs which include a whole range of people including officials from each participating country, people working for the sponsor company, their special guests and some athletes.

I worked as a corporate host for one of the sponsors at the Olympics.

I am hired mostly for my linguistic abilities. I am a co-host at these events so the main host would make an announcement in English and I would simultaneously translate it into the relevant languages for the audience, but usually the main languages I would do are: French, Spanish, Italian, German, Russian, Malay, Portuguese and Mandarin-Chinese. Sometimes I throw in Welsh and Hokkien just for fun, because the guests are so amazed by the fact that this co-host can speak all these languages and I would get a round of applause by the time I get to the sixth or seventh language and they find it quite amusing. If there are guests from other countries outside my repertoire of ten languages, I would do a crash course in the language so I could at least get a few sentences out. It would usually impress the guests anyway - I was told by the Hungarian VIPs that I was one of the very few non-Hungarian people who could even speak a little of their language.

When I am not functioning as a co-host, I would be generally taking care of the guests, especially the PRCs as they generally speak very little or no English at all. They are also quite arrogant because they think it is shameful not to speak English, since most of the other nationalities speak pretty good English! So rather than admit "对不起,我听不懂", they would simply pretend they understood the instructions in English and then go do the wrong thing. So even simple things like, "The presentation will start at 6 pm, please be back here no later than 5:50 pm," will have to be translated into Mandarin for them as I couldn't risk them going missing at 6 pm.

In work mode for the Olympics!

It was hard work taking care of them - I'd much rather be on stage stunning the audience with my simultaneous translation into many languages, but hey, a job is a job and as a host part of my job was to take care of the PRCs. They gave me a very hard time - for example, it is against the law in the UK to smoke indoors. I had to politely request to escort them to an outdoors smoking area whenever they lit up indoors and they would give me such attitude. One woman simply refused to budge, "你看，外面下着雨，我怎么能出去？" (You see, it is raining out there, how can I possibly go out?) I explained to her that the smoking area is sheltered and she wouldn't get wet - but she refused, claiming that she will get cold. I then had the security guard behind me barking, "Tell her that she has to put out her cigarette now or else she may set off the fire alarm as she is standing so close to the smoke detector!" Good grief. So when I told her to do so, she yelled at me, "他妈的, 你太过分了,你真是岂有此理!" (Fuck you, you're unreasonable, you're being ridiculous!) Like what? This woman had such an attitude problem, just because she was invited by the sponsor for an event, she thought she was above the law and could do what she liked.

It was at times like this that I realized it was just as well I was getting paid to do this, rather than as an unpaid volunteer - can you imagine being yelled at by PRCs like that in the name of volunteering for the Olympics? I have this rule - if I am earning money, if I am on company time, then I am your bitch. You can be as nasty to me as you want, as long as I am getting paid decent money to take the abuse, that's fine. But if I am a volunteer, I expect to be treated with respect - that's probably why I won't ever volunteer again, but hey, that's another story.

Oh I have a lot more stories about nasty, rude PRCs to relate to you, but you get the idea. They are rude, I am not telling you anything new. I found myself apologizing to my colleagues who were at the receiving end of their rude behaviour, "We're not all like that, please don't think that all Chinese people behave like that." At times like that, I felt truly ashamed to be Chinese. It was fucking embarrassing to be Chinese when the PRC VIPs were behaving like a bunch of animals whilst the other VIPs from other countries conducted themselves in a far more respectable manner.

Now I shared my experiences with my parents and especially my mother - she was the one person I really had to tell this story to as I really wanted to see what her response was. The reason why I was so keen on my mother's response was because she was the one who said to me so many times as a child, "You must be proud to be Chinese". Aha, let me take you back to George Carlin's quote at the beginning of this post, but this time I am going to substitute the word Irish for Chinese

"I can never understand national or ethnic pride. Because to me, pride should be reserved for something you achieve or attain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth... Being Chinese isn't a skill, it's a fuckin' genetic accident. So why the fuck would you be proud to be Chinese, American, Italian or anything?" 

I have an ambivalent attitude when it comes to my Chinese roots.

I deliberately told my mother, "I am so ashamed to be Chinese, I hate being Chinese, it was so embarrassing being Chinese in front of all those white people, I wish I was anything but Chinese - make me Korean, Japanese, Mongolian, Thai - anything but Chinese." I kept pushing it, hoping for her to snap and react and ask me to be proud of my Chinese roots, so I could use George Carlin's quote at her. Well, she didn't actually - which left me disappointed. Instead, she listed all the reasons why PRCs are so unpopular in Singapore, such as the accidents involving PRC drivers, the Sun Xu incident and how people would automatically assume anyone who is rude is simply from China. And I was waiting for my cue to say to her, "Aha, but when I was young you told me that I should be proud to be Chinese, how would you feel if I behaved like one of those PRCs?" No, I never got the chance to say that to her as it was clear that like many Singaporeans, she too was aggrieved by the presence of PRCs in Singapore.

I talked about it with a friend of mine from Singapore - let's call her Sharon. Now Sharon is Chindian-Singaporean (ie. of mixed Chinese-Indian heritage) and we were classmates back in Singapore. As Sharon is a mother of two now today, I talked to her about that very same story and she managed to explain the situation to me. I am so grateful for her insight and she agreed to let me share her explanation with my readers on my blog.

Sharon managed to shed light on the situation. 

Sharon: Yes I kinda got the same thing from my parents as well and they were always going on and on about Asian values drawn from my Chinese and Indian roots. I never really got it - you know what I was like in school, I was rebellious, I was feisty and I was very independent. I ignored my parents most of the time, I was like, "leave me alone, let me figure out life for myself, stop trying to tell me what to think or what my morals and values should be. I am smart, I have a mind of my own, I have my own opinions on things."

Limpeh: Yup, that was the Sharon I remember from JC!

Sharon: And then when I became a parent, suddenly my perspective changed. As a mother, I am so protective of my children and you know I love my children. I feel responsible for them in every aspect - not just in terms of making sure they are well fed, they don't fall sick, they get enough sleep etc, but also in terms of their emotional development, their morals, their characters. I really want my children to grow up to be good people who will be appreciated and loved by their peers - not criminals who will end up in jail. I want to be proud of my children, I don't want to be the kind of mother who will have sleepless nights worrying about them.

Sharon understands the responsibility of parenthood. 

Limpeh: Sure that is understandable.

Sharon: Of course, I try my best to guide my children's morals, impart the right kind of values to them, to nurture them as good people - sometimes we can stick a label on these values: call them Asian, Singaporean, Chinese, Indian, Christian, Muslim, Hindu - whatever, but do you know why parents do that?

Limpeh: Please enlighten me.

 Sharon: It's because we don't have the confidence in ourselves. When I tell my children, "You should be polite, always say please and thank you", they may turn around and ask, "but why? Why is that important? Why must I say please and thank you? Who said I must do so?"

Imagine if I then turned around and said, "I said so and I am your mother." Well, I don't think that is the right answer - it is an answer I could use, but it wouldn't be the right answer. So I slap a label on it, I call it Asian values, I may call it Christian values or even Singaporean values or Disney value - it lends my instructions a sense of credibility as I am claiming that this is tried and tested doctrine practised by a society of which we belong to and these are the rules. Once you put it in that context, then the children will realize that this is not just something mummy wants us to do, but something society expects us to do and if we don't follow society's rules, then we will get into trouble.

What do parents use to justify their instructions?

I am just as guilty as any mother in Singapore to misuse these labels like Chinese, Asian, Indian, Singaporean, traditional or Christian when I am trying to impart such values to my children. You can accuse me of being lazy to slap a label on an instruction rather than try to engage the children in conversation to explain why they should be polite or behave a certain way - but think about it, my children are young. Their young minds have a very limited understanding of such concepts such as getting along with others, conformity, following the rules, respecting the feelings of others etc. You cannot explain complex concepts to children, so it is convenient and easy simply to slap a label on these values to help them understand them.

 My father is Indian and a Hindu, my mother is Chinese and a Buddhist, my husband is Eurasian and a Christian so I don't even know what labels to use sometimes to describe myself for I am a bit of everything! There have been times when I struggle as a mother and I just think, what must I do to be a good mother, how can I get this right? Especially with my younger child, sometimes I just cannot get him to behave and I just don't know what to do - I would pray to any Hindu, Chinese or Christian god, I would use whatever values or morals from India, China, England wherever just to be a better mother for my children. And when I doubt my own parenting skills, that's when I resort to using the morals and teachings of a defined social group - like Chinese people - so I can reassure not just the child, but myself that okay, we're doing this because these are Chinese values, this is what Chinese people.

Sharon feels like she is a bit of everything.

When my children are older, like when they are 15 or 16, sure I will have more detailed conversations with them at that stage to talk about more profound issues regarding their morals and values as they approach adulthood - but really, until they are old enough to have an intelligent conversation on that issue, I am probably going to go on misusing lazy labels whilst trying to shape their value system. My methods as a mother may be imperfect, but you have got to believe that my only intentions are to do the best for my children.

 Limpeh: I don't doubt that. I know you are a good mother.

Sharon: Now here's the thing which I think you may be somewhat confused about - our memories don't work in a very accurate manner. For example, can you remember experiences and events from when you were very young, like about 7 or 8 years old?

Limpeh: Sure I do, I remember a lot from my childhood in Singapore.

Sharon: Aha, but what you are doing is this: when you remember an event, it is like watching a youtube video in your mind. You play that clip in your head and you are remembering it as an adult and you are experiencing it again, but as an adult rather than a child. Let me share an example with you from my own childhood when I was about 8 years old.

Could we tell our wrong from right as children?

Now back then, I was good friends with my neighbours as there was this girl Sheila who was the same age as myself. Then one day, my parents tried to explain to me that I won't be able to play with Sheila any more as they were moving house - but Sheila could still come and visit us any time and play with me. Unbeknownst to them, I knew exactly why Sheila was moving. Her parents were getting divorced as Sheila's mum caught Sheila's dad having an affair with another woman, it was messy and Sheila's mum had decided to take Sheila to go live with Sheila's grandmother for a while. I knew because Sheila told me everything, we were friends you see.

So when my parents tried to tell me the story, I was like yeah I know Sheila is moving to her grandmother's I know the whole story. I probably knew more details than my parents and my mother said, "What? What do you know?" So I told them everything I knew, not that it mattered, but I spilled the beans and shared the gossip.

I remember my dad's reaction. He was like, "No lah, not true lah, you children don't know what you're talking about lah."

And I was like, "Look I just told you what Sheila told me, I'm not lying."

Sheila's parents had a divorce. 

My mother then said, "Then she's probably a bit confused, the poor girl has been through a lot, it's a complex situation and she doesn't understand what is going on and neither do you. These matters are for us adults, not you children - but hey, Sheila can still come and play with your dolls any time okay? She can visit us any time and I will make that friend chicken dish that she likes."

I remember being mighty pissed off at my mother - there I was, ready to talk to her about infidelity and divorce but she wanted to treat me like a kid and talk about playing with dolls and eating fried chicken as if we were imbeciles incapable of understanding anything.

Limpeh: Yeah I can see why you're upset.

Sharon: Now in hindsight, we were 8 and here's the thing about children. They are very good at mimicking adults in speech but they often do so without knowing what they are echoing. I have noticed that with my own children who do like to copy me - I get calls from my colleagues at work and I talk about work stuff in front of my kids. They know a few common words that I use: C++, Java Script, Windows update, Flash animation, cookies, Firefox etc, but they have no idea what these stand for - they just use them because they want to copy the way I talk. It was most probable that Sheila did exactly the same thing - she heard her parents talk about the divorce and she learnt words like alimony, custody, lawyers, infidelity and  adultery and yeah we were using those words, echoing those words but there was no way at the age of 8 we fully understood what those words meant.

Children may imitate adults but do they really understand adult issues?

Now we're both 36, we both know today exactly what words like alimony, custody, lawyers, infidelity and adultery mean, so I can make the mistake and assume that just because I know what those words mean today, I knew what those words meant back then, 28 years ago, when I was just 8.

Limpeh: I see where you're coming from.

 Sharon: So whilst I thought I knew what I was talking about then, I probably didn't understand it fully and I would probably struggle to explain what divorce is to any 8 year old child. We try our best to simplify complex adult concepts for our children without being too condescending - sometimes we succeed, sometimes we fail. But please understand that even when we fail as parents to communicate effectively, it is not because we are deliberately trying to deceive or confuse our children. It may feel that way if we forget what we were like as children and assume that we were as smart back then as we were today - but no, we were childish when we were children. I can see that now as a parent and perhaps because you're not a parent, you don't have that perspective.

As for your mother asking you to be proud of your Chinese roots - sigh, my mother did the same thing. I guess it is a misguided attempt for her to try to get you to subscribe to some kind of value system based on a part of your ethnic heritage, rather than say, "do what the hell you want, think what the hell you want, I don't care." She probably didn't know how to communicate all that efficiently to you as a child, so she used a lazy label to take care of the 'morals & value' department.

Sharon is very concerned about her child's values and morals.

Limpeh: I see what you mean, my mum isn't exactly eloquent at times... In fact, more often than not, she is blunt and tactless.

Sharon: But that doesn't mean she loves you any less - just because she isn't smart enough to have the linguistic skills to express herself eloquently the way you do. That is why in her desperation, she had to resort to using lazy labels like 'Chinese values' because it meant not having to define a whole set of moral values for you. Communicating with children is a tricky process - you have to use simple words to convey complex processes and the moment you use complex words or you make certain assumptions that they can understand what you're saying, it is very easy for communication to break down.

Limpeh: What do you think of George Carlin's quote? Does it reflect the way you relate to your ethnic roots?

Sharon: In my case, yes it's tough as I did Chinese as a second language at school but I have also tried to learn Tamil from my father without the benefit of a teacher at school. My Chinese is pretty good but Tamil is limited to say the least - but I am very proud of how far I managed to get in Tamil. I can strike up a conversation without lapsing into English with most people in Tamil and I am fluent in Mandarin. I also have a basic grasp of Hokkien and Malay - which makes me feel truly Singaporean now that I have covered all the languages! And yes I am proud of my language skills, rather than being Singaporean per se. Like I worked so hard to learn those languages - whilst my nationality was achieved through no effort of my own!

Sharon is fluent in Mandarin because she worked hard at school.

So yes, like you, I am very fascinated by the way Singapore is this melting pot of Asian languages and identity but now as a mother, I am trying to lead by example as I impart all that to my children. I don't want to go down the "be proud of being Chinese root" - no, that's wrong. I'd rather show them, "hey look at Mummy speak all these Singaporean languages, isn't that cool? Do you want Mummy to teach you some Tamil today? How about some Malay or Hokkien?"

Don't be too hard on your mother lah - like the rest of us, she has to put up with those PRCs invading our country and she is suffering the consequences of it whilst you're not. Clearly in hindsight, she must have realized how limited her advice to be "proud of your Chinese roots" must've been - that was why she didn't repeat it or challenge you when you tried to provoke her into saying that. She made an error of judgement and gave bad advice - but come on, who hasn't given bad advice before?

How eloquent are we when it comes to expressing our thoughts and ideas?

We are all guilty of giving poorly worded bad advice at some point - the fact remains though, that we didn't give bad advice maliciously in a deliberate attempt to mislead the other party. No, we simply gave bad advice because we didn't know any better, despite having all the best intentions. Please remember that when it comes you judging the stupid things your mother may have said in the past. I'm sure I'm guilty of saying some pretty stupid things to my children at some point, but I hope they will look past that and remember that I love them very, very much.